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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws cleaned our house while away....

465 replies

ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 08:22

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 28/12/2022 20:33

Why is it @WorriedWarrier?

Cocolapew · 28/12/2022 20:50

My mil left my vibrator and contraceptives on my pillow .
I presume I was supposed to be embarrassed.
Also, at the time, I used to collect Prince 7" records. She cleared out a cupboard that the heating pipe ran through and put them all in there, put the heating on and warpped them all.
But obviously she was just being helpful and I'm ungrateful 🙄

toomuchlaundry · 28/12/2022 20:52

Wow @Cocolapew

1HappyTraveller · 28/12/2022 21:02

I wouldn’t be happy about this at all. If you don’t say something it may well happen again. Whether your MIL thinks she is helping or not she has clearly crossed a boundary that she is not aware of. I would have a polite discussion and explain that you would prefer her not to do that in the future.

dutysuite · 29/12/2022 16:37

My MIL was always trying to help around the house when she visited but I’m a very independent and private person so I always declined, however my SIL loved the help and encouraged it. I never saw it as an insult just more that she liked to keep busy and seem helpful.

evian76 · 29/12/2022 17:49

I can see how it seems judgemental, and I would feel annoyed / awkward and embarrassed. But OMG I would do anything for someone to clean my house right now! 😔

Tollyphono · 29/12/2022 17:54

I know how you feel. My MIL used to do this all the time with me when I was at work. The final straw was when I came to hers to pick up my son one day and found my underwear drying on her radiator.
she then commented that I don’t need my “maternity pyjamas” anymore (I love my mat pyjamas 😂) and just refused to listen.
karma came about when she put my khakis in her washing machine and they turned her husband’s shirts green because of the colour run!

I think you should just say to her there are boundaries or put something in place that subtly makes her feel uncomfortable about being there when you aren’t. She will mean well…
I used to hang my bras from our lights and leave sexy notes around the house when she let herself in without asking. Just makes me laugh now 😂

Rosie22xx · 29/12/2022 17:54

Your partner needs to speak to his mum and tell her nobody can enter your house unless it's an emergency. The whole reason for the key is for emergencies and if they keep abusing that then he will take the key back or change the locks because they do not have the right to enter, it isn't their home.

Reigateforever · 29/12/2022 17:56

My place is neither untidy nor dirty but I would love someone to come and clean out the cupboards, wash windows and do a general all round job. Sorry but don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Oh and I will let her batch cook for the freezer.

ThePix · 29/12/2022 17:58

I’d literally cry with joy if someone cleaned my house! I’d take it as they can see I am struggling and wanted to do something nice.
I’ve not read the thread as just sitting for 20
mins having a Chinese ♥️

Sleepysophie · 29/12/2022 18:00

I would love this to be honest however I understand it’s a personal thing so I can see why you were annoyed. I think it was probably done with good intentions. If your MIL feels like me then she probably thought it was a nice thing to do so maybe you need to tell her you’d rather she didn’t in a firm, but nice way.

RandomPerson42 · 29/12/2022 18:00

I would not be grateful and would want the key back pronto.

KarenandFour · 29/12/2022 18:01

yanbu I hate that. My ex mil was always moving things and making judgey comments. In the end I just saw it as a game and just moved things back. Went on for years 😂

MrsKnows · 29/12/2022 18:08

It’s a pity you were uncomfortable with it! She was hinting that she wanted to do it and you were hinting that you didn’t want her to!

My MIL cleaned our house while we were away - I was delighted! (I hate housework!) It was a lovely surprise to come home to everything all tidy!

But if you don’t want help, you should say you really appreciate it but it feels a bit uncomfortable - you could always make a joke and say it was her son’s turn and he hadn’t done it and she should visit next time when it’s YOUR turn and she’ll see everything is in its place!

You know what they say - many a true word’s spoken in jest! Then she can be upset that her son is expected to help! 😜

WhoNeedsToSleepAnyway · 29/12/2022 18:10

Totally get this. My MIL used to come in and tidy, clean make beds etc whilst looking after the kids whilst I was at work.(to help me out apparently)..drove me nuts. Even if it not up to her standard (most definitely was not, she has 3x cleaning days a week in her own home, I do not!) it is intrusive. I am a grown adult and can decide how I would like to live, dirty / spotless or otherwise. I used to feel judged too. By way of her son we have her down to unloading the dishwasher, she seems just about satisfied doing that and tbf it is one less job to do! You need to work on boundaries with her.

Janecat23 · 29/12/2022 18:14

My MIL tidied my underwear draw after we gave them our bedroom when they came to stay. I throw it all in the draw anyhow and opened it to find all my bras and knickers carefully folded…. It felt like a scene from a horror film!! Beat that!!!

GreekGod · 29/12/2022 18:14

I wish my MIL would clean my house. I would have no problem with that whatsoever. I don't care less what she finds, having the house cleaned by her would be fantastic.

Mamabearinthewoods · 29/12/2022 18:18

I would hate that. It’s an invasion of privacy.
Im sure her heart was in the right place but I wouldn’t like that at all.
My MIL went through a phase of buying decor for our house when we first got married. None of it went up but I felt like she thought that as her son lived here she still had an influence!

NKfffffffffc2ffa8dX119ebdd352d · 29/12/2022 18:21

Chill out … she just wants to be nice and to help

BabyDriversMummy · 29/12/2022 18:23

MiL did a kind thing. She wanted you to come home to a clean and tidy house. Sounds like her “Love Language” is “Acts of Service”. I’d be grateful.

thiswillbedisplayedwhenyoupost · 29/12/2022 18:26

What a wonderful MIL you have, I recall my Mum doing the same for me may 1988 on my honeymoon she has now died but will love her for it forever. Make the most of this lady you are lucky, I wish my MIL loved me enough to do that but at least I have my memories of my Mum. I did the same for my DIL, I did it to pass on the love my mum had for me.

Mumuser124 · 29/12/2022 18:26

You sound so ungreatful. She clearly wanted to do something nice for you and lighten the load. Just say bloody thankyou.

LibbyL92 · 29/12/2022 18:27

My MIL does this when we go away. We’re spotless. But she enjoys doing it and feels like she’s helpful. She gets a real buzz out of us saying thank you and arriving home to a ‘clean’ and ‘tidy’ home. Along with milk and bread in the fridge.

if it makes her happy and she enjoys it then just let her do it.

Flyinggeesei234 · 29/12/2022 18:27

RandomPerson42 · 29/12/2022 18:00

I would not be grateful and would want the key back pronto.

Me too.

I'm really surprised at how many posters on here are suggesting it’s a kind and thoughtful thing to do. It’s intrusive.

If it was meant to be genuinely helpful then why not just ask permission and be upfront about it? It was done sneakily (OP had no choice) and not as part of an agreement.

cantbfucked · 29/12/2022 18:33

Once upon a time I would absolutely hate this, they probably wouldn’t even have a key…but now if someone decided to come into my house and give it a good clean and tidy I’d be so happy. It’s not that it’s a mess, it’s just I feel like I’m constantly at it with having 2 young kids and to have someone do it all right now, I wouldn’t complain.

I do see where you’re coming from though, it does make you wonder if they think you’re a grubby sod, they either do or they’re just trying to be helpful. It’s just your personal space and that’s not what the key is for. If it’s really bothered you, say something but if you can’t see it happening again any time soon, it may be best to just leave it.

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