In laws cleaned our house while away....

[ohnnoclean]

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

I wouldn't have wanted my parents doing it, either.

It's presumptuous and intrusive.

I would assume she did it to be kind and to give you a bit of a break to save you from doing certain chores when you got back.

I totally get where you're coming from and I think easiest way to avoid an argument is to just don't leave the key with her next time, because I have a feeling even if you tell her politely she will do it again as she thinks she's being helpful. So my mum is exactly the same I know it's a bit different as it's my mum and i have slightly different reasons as I still don't like her going through my stuff and cleaning as she doesn't always know where everything goes and I would rather do it myself how I want it. I always tell her and she still does it because she thinks she's being helpful and I feel too bad to be harsh with her and upset her but if it was my mother in law i would definitely be alot more upset because I know she would judge me...

I WISH someone would come over and clean my house without expecting payment.

I’d hate this, it’s not the cleaning fairy it’s your MIL and it conveys judgement and will have damaged trust.

@Mirabai your home is your home, you should be able to have it how you like it. Our neighbours have our spare key and we have theirs. We will water plants if they are away (if asked) and get in some milk, bread etc (again if asked). Neither of us have ever felt the need to clean, rearrange cupboards etc.

Should be the same for relatives, it is still your home not theirs.

OP probably realised MIL had been in as she had cleaned the fridge (unlikely she put everything back in the same place) and rearranged cupboards (why?)

OP didn’t ask for a fee clean, in fact she asked MIL not to come into the house. Why should she be grateful for something she didn’t ask for or want

I'm one of those who cleans like a demon beforeni go on holiday.Th3 house looks pristine 2hen I leave. Likely driven by the thoughtnif having to clean when I come back from holiday. An ex partner commented ' why are all women like this ' ...so it seems I'm not alone. Maybe your relative thought they were doing you a massive favour...but have to say I would be horrified at someone else doing my cleaning irregardless of whom.

Following other threads currently the old habit of leaving a key with a relative or neighbour seems to be a very bad idea all round.

Years ago my mil said to me,” I do like a dirty house!” It wasn’t dirty a bit messy with two under 4s but clean. I just told her it was her lucky day as I was taking the dc to soft play ! She had the house spotless so we did it several more times .

Sounds like you have a bit of a messy house and let things go a bit before holiday. I would be grateful to MIL and not dwell on it. Do you have a cleaner normally?

@CheesesandWines where do you get that from?

I wish I had a MIL to come and clean my place. I would be kissing her feet!

@Mischance and would you like an aggressive MIL

Nope. I had literally just cleaned that day. I didn't let things go. I was mid packing.

Fair enough. I think MIL was only trying to help (however annoying it turned out to be) so best not "confront" her about it. If it really becomes a regular thing then you'll have to either say something or sneakily get keys back via DH.

Worthy of a text to nip this in the bud "MIL I appreciate you we're trying to be helpful and make our lives easier but it was an overstep. We can clean our own home. I'll ask if we want help. You have our keys for emergencies, not to let yourselves in to clean whilst we are away or out!! You wouldn't like it if I went to your house and reorganised cupboards or emptied your fridge to clean it! "

Btw my parents do this when then stay at mine for visits but then they are actually in my house not letting themselves won without my consent

• I don't mind fridge, bathroom and oven cleaning that my mum does and hoovering 😄 as i work long hours and have 3 DCs- besides that's my mum-

but I get peeved

• when they rearrange my cupboards without asking as we can never find things and have to spend ages hunting and putting everything back where it was!
• nor when my dad decides he'll do a DIY project to make me shelves or something I actually don't want drilled into my lovely walls!! 😱 He's a bored 82 year old!

@CheesesandWines yeah I will definitely not confront her about this. It's more trouble than it's worth.

I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she didn't think 'I have to clean for that dirty DIL, her house is gross.. ' I will instead assume that she may have thought certain stuff is gross and judged during her cleaning ( that's my fear ). I had removed all items that were off / would go off from the fridge before, but it's always a bit gross cleaning a fridge isn't it. I just feel embarrassed about anyone doing that for me really. It's my job.

I guess I would rather not be in the position to think what May have happened in my absence. It just makes me feel strange. Like I don't know, what if I didn't realise and something really gross was in my fridge ? I don't think so, but I would rather not have to think about that.

it wa really good of her to do this. Thank her profusely and offer to return the the favour next time she is going away.

I wonder why you are assuming she’s making any judgement? Or are you judging yourself?
If you visited a friend who was finishing off cooking a mammoth dinner wouldn’t you help her clear up without feeling judgey?

It is much more likely that she cares and wanted to do something for you. Even more so if she’s from a housewifely background herself.

Are people NEVER happy on here/Facebook? Jesus Christ! She cleaned your house for you and you’re moaning?!

In that case, get the key back on some
pretext asap. Sounds like your DH will be on board too which is handy.
Giving my MIL a key was a big mistake. She does this every time she gets an opportunity. Given half a chance she’ll descale the kettle, washing machine and dishwasher on a weekly basis. We have a water softener so this level of frankly expense is not necessary.
She’ll also let herself in and offload vegetables if going away, quietly place random kitchen items she no longer wants and won’t take to the charity shop herself in our cupboards. And so on.
But she does after school care for
us a few days a week so I suck it up and seethe quietly ever so often. Mostly I’ve learned to let it go (and hide the descaling stuff)😂

@toomuchlaundry no, oops 😅

My MIL does things like this. I do find it intrusive but I don't mind enough to say something and maybe upset her. She sorted out my underwear into types when I was on honeymoon which was the most intrusive. I figure she also found my sex toys haha

@HurtAndConfused2022 why should OP be happy when she asked MIL but to go into their house and why should she be happy for someone to rearrange her cupboards.

When I’d not long split from my ex husband my grandmother used to baby sit in the evenings for me to work and she’d clean everything in the living room and kitchen and sometimes even clean the children's rooms (I was working 40+ hours a week as a chef). I was always so appreciative of it.
Then my now partner moved in several years ago and he also worked evenings and she would baby sit and kept cleaning. He found it extremely invasive but at the same time he didn’t clean as well as she did so although he was ungrateful I was still extremely grateful as the bulk always fell on me. She passed away earlier this year and I miss her and her obsessive cleaning every day (obviously not just for the cleaning aspect).

So thoughtful of them