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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told Dad truth about not being invited?

216 replies

freckles20 · 27/12/2022 15:01

My BIL has a big birthday coming up. He is celebrating with a family meal this Sunday which is New Year's Day.

DH and I will be going along with DS (16). My dad is in his late 70s and I usually have him over every Sunday for a roast. As such, he would normally expect to be coming to us unless I let him know otherwise. He lives alone and feels lonely so I do what I can around work (only child).

We all get on well (well as far as I can tell anyway). We hosted everyone including inlaws and my Dad here on Christmas Day and everyone seemed to get on and have a nice day.

My BIL and SIL know I usually have Dad over on a Sunday and they have sometimes included him in their birthday celebrations before. They hadn't invited him specifically- but I wasn't sure whether they had assumed he would join us.

After much puzzling with DH over what to do I decided to take the bull by the horns and just ask my SIL outright. I sent a bright and breezy message which I hope made it clear that there was no expectation but I wasn't sure if my Dad was invited.

The reply came back with an apology but saying that they didn't have room for him.

So when I called Dad today for a chat I let him know that I wouldn't be able to have him over for dinner on Sunday. I said we will do something on a different day instead, and that I'll drive over in the morning on NYD and we can have a cuppa together.

Dad asked me outright why Sunday was off and I told him the truth that we were going to BIL's birthday lunch. Dad suggested that I asked them if he could come and again I told Dad the truth- that there wasn't room.

Here's the point of my AIBU- DH thinks I was wrong to tell Dad the truth. He thinks I've created an awkward situation, and I should have made something else up. He is usually really reasonable but he's really annoyed with me.

I am baffled. I have been working hard to be less of a people pleaser and to get some sensible boundaries in place- so I gave this situation plenty of thought and decided that the truth was the best way forward.

The way I see it:
I asked SIL as gently as I could if dad was able to come.

She had every right to say no. She didn't need to give a reason- but her reason was that there isn't enough room.

I let Dad know as soon as I could so as to manage his expectations wrt Sunday. I'll do what I can to make sure he's not alone on NYD.

When Dad asked me why he wasn't invited I told him the truth.

Maybe Dad will be quietly upset, or picking holes in SIL's reason but I have just passed on the truth. It is an unfortunate and awkward situation but I'm not sure what else I should have done differently.

I'd love some mumsnet wisdom in this one please!

OP posts:
TrentCrimm · 27/12/2022 15:04

What does your DH think you should have said instead?

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2022 15:05

Sounds fine to me.

StickyCricket · 27/12/2022 15:05

You’ve done the right thing.

Has your DH said what excuse he thinks you should have made up?

Dacadactyl · 27/12/2022 15:06

You are not being unreasonable. Tell your husband not to worry, your dad probably won't even give it a second thought.

Yes, maybe you could have told a white lie to "cover" for your BIL and SIL, but if its not personal then there's no need to. I am sure your dad understands.

Theydoyaknow · 27/12/2022 15:06

You did right.

Bemyclementine · 27/12/2022 15:07

Yanbu, but I've found often people dobt like this sort of honesty.

butterfliedtwo · 27/12/2022 15:07

Nah, you're right. There was no reason to lie.

Reindeersnooker · 27/12/2022 15:08

I'd be interested to know he thinks should have been said. That sounds like the least hurtful reason.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/12/2022 15:08

What does your DH think you should have said..? Seems a weird thing to get upset about.

Brunilde · 27/12/2022 15:08

I think you did exactly the right thing. There doesn't seem to be any malice behind not inviting him and I'm sure he will understand and appreciate the honesty.

Sparklfairy · 27/12/2022 15:09

I'd love to hear what DH thinks you should have said instead. Has he also thought through a Plan B for if/when you got caught out in a lie later?

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 27/12/2022 15:11

I can't think of anything you could have said that would be less hurtful than the (not very hurtful at all) truth - what did your DH have in mind?

Notonthestairs · 27/12/2022 15:11

Well my brother recently fudged telling our Dad the truth about Christmas Day plans and it actually made the situation a lot more complicated and ended up involving lots of people.

Honesty and a bit of kindness wins out.

So YANBU.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2022 15:11

TBH, if I thought that my DF would be upset I would have come up with something else.

But that's me.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 27/12/2022 15:12

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2022 15:11

TBH, if I thought that my DF would be upset I would have come up with something else.

But that's me.

What would you have said instead?

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/12/2022 15:13

Thank you for the responses. I did ask DH what I should have done and he suggested I made up a different reason. Or said we were doing something else. He wasn't more specific even when I pushed him but he's clearly annoyed with me.

Added to this I have a creeping uncomfortable and guilty feeling. But I think that's simply because I feel a bit bad for Dad. He won't want to be alone on NYD, and he might be a bit hurt that he's not joining us as he thinks of them as family. But I'm trying to bear in mind that this isn't my fault, it's just an unfortunate clash of dates and BIL has every right to invite whoever he likes to his own celebration.

DH is a people pleaser too. I'm
Wondering if he feels I've painted his sister in a bad light, and he thinks we should have covered for her. But, she's not done anything wrong!

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2022 15:15

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Why on earth would your DH think it's ok to lie?
I obviously don't know the venue of the gathering but could they really not squeeze your dad in?
I'd stay there for the shortest time possible and then get back to your dad. Your DH and son can stay there if they want but I think it's a bit mean to be honest.

Megifer · 27/12/2022 15:15

Your DH is wrong. I'm a big fan of white lies when it spares someone's feelings but no point here. I imagine your DH is maybe wanting his SIL/BIL to not look 'heartless' in this situation?

Sounds like they have maybe deployed a white lie.... Find it a bit hard to believe there's no room tbh.

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/12/2022 15:16

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2022 15:11

TBH, if I thought that my DF would be upset I would have come up with something else.

But that's me.

I was tempted. But decided the truth was best. SIL feels it's an ok explanation and I have to go with that.

They are all in occasional contact- on same what app groups, Facebook friends etc.. Plus they see each other every few months at our house so a lie may have backfired in more ways than one.

OP posts:
FlorettaB · 27/12/2022 15:16

’he might be a bit hurt that he's not joining us as he thinks of them as family’

That’s why I would’ve lied.

Hankunamatata · 27/12/2022 15:16

Honestly definitely the best policy.
Perhaps you could take dad out for lunch new years eve day or take food over.

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/12/2022 15:17

FlorettaB · 27/12/2022 15:16

’he might be a bit hurt that he's not joining us as he thinks of them as family’

That’s why I would’ve lied.

I can understand that. But what else can I say. I can't change the fact that he's not invited.

OP posts:
Chilloutt · 27/12/2022 15:18

I don’t think the fault lies with any of you to be honest. However, although your SIL is is perfectly entitled to say no, your dad is only one extra person and if that was me, I would have suggested bringing him along with you esp if I knew he would be by himself otherwise.

It’s done now, and hopefully your FIL won’t be too upset by it.

Viviennemary · 27/12/2022 15:18

It was mean to exclude him. And thats it. doesnt matter how he was told it was mean.

TheNoodlesIncident · 27/12/2022 15:18

"There isn't room" is not personal or upsetting, it's not like they said "No, we don't like him". I think it was fine, it's a bit sad for him but life's like that. You're making it up to him and doing your best, can't say more than that.