AIBU to have told Dad truth about not being invited?

[freckles20]

My BIL has a big birthday coming up. He is celebrating with a family meal this Sunday which is New Year's Day.

DH and I will be going along with DS (16). My dad is in his late 70s and I usually have him over every Sunday for a roast. As such, he would normally expect to be coming to us unless I let him know otherwise. He lives alone and feels lonely so I do what I can around work (only child).

We all get on well (well as far as I can tell anyway). We hosted everyone including inlaws and my Dad here on Christmas Day and everyone seemed to get on and have a nice day.

My BIL and SIL know I usually have Dad over on a Sunday and they have sometimes included him in their birthday celebrations before. They hadn't invited him specifically- but I wasn't sure whether they had assumed he would join us.

After much puzzling with DH over what to do I decided to take the bull by the horns and just ask my SIL outright. I sent a bright and breezy message which I hope made it clear that there was no expectation but I wasn't sure if my Dad was invited.

The reply came back with an apology but saying that they didn't have room for him.

So when I called Dad today for a chat I let him know that I wouldn't be able to have him over for dinner on Sunday. I said we will do something on a different day instead, and that I'll drive over in the morning on NYD and we can have a cuppa together.

Dad asked me outright why Sunday was off and I told him the truth that we were going to BIL's birthday lunch. Dad suggested that I asked them if he could come and again I told Dad the truth- that there wasn't room.

Here's the point of my AIBU- DH thinks I was wrong to tell Dad the truth. He thinks I've created an awkward situation, and I should have made something else up. He is usually really reasonable but he's really annoyed with me.

I am baffled. I have been working hard to be less of a people pleaser and to get some sensible boundaries in place- so I gave this situation plenty of thought and decided that the truth was the best way forward.

The way I see it:
I asked SIL as gently as I could if dad was able to come.

She had every right to say no. She didn't need to give a reason- but her reason was that there isn't enough room.

I let Dad know as soon as I could so as to manage his expectations wrt Sunday. I'll do what I can to make sure he's not alone on NYD.

When Dad asked me why he wasn't invited I told him the truth.

Maybe Dad will be quietly upset, or picking holes in SIL's reason but I have just passed on the truth. It is an unfortunate and awkward situation but I'm not sure what else I should have done differently.

I'd love some mumsnet wisdom in this one please!

Your dad is upset because he won't see you on NYD. The reason is unlikely to make it worse that any excuse you could have come up with, which unless it was a very elaborate lie (hospital, or something major) would sound like you couldn't be bothered.

Here it is clear that you wanted him there, but the reason is out of your control.

Can you see him on NYE instead?

I’m feeling really sorry for your DF here on his own, but I’m not saying you did the wrong thing OP by being truthful, but like others have already said, I think I’d be cancelling and spending the day with him instead.

If OP is in the habit of hosting DF along with SIL's family, she'd also have to brief them not to mention the birthday bash in front of DF if there is a get-together later in the year.

Don't be ridiculous, she's being nothing of the sort. He's the father of her DH's SIL, he's hardly a close relative.

The Bank Holiday for NYD is on 2nd Jan, so perhaps OP could see her dad then, instead.

If this was my dad I would spend the day with him and back out of the birthday meal. I wouldn't enjoy myself knowing he was alone

I would take my Dad out on NY day if you can still book something. If not go to house and cook a meal for you both together. You will be making a bit more space at Bil and Sil house too if it will be that crowded. I would tell DH he can do as he pleases. Your Dad won't be around forever and having to spend NY day alone will be miserable for him. I would not be putting myself for SiL and BiL in future either. They sound nasty to leave an old man alone on NY day. I could understand more if it was a loud evening party but daytime meal is very nasty of them.

OP said it's a significant birthday for her BIL. She sees her dad EVERY Sunday without fail. Surely she can delay seeing him by 24 hours to celebrate with her BIL without being guilt tripped?

I think what you said was fine. Your DDad is an adult, and you will see him another date close, I think its fine for Bil/Sil to want to keep the event small / only have very close family / not change the menu / have to buy extra food or whatever their reason for their chosen guest list is, is, totally fine. All of it.

That is also my understanding too.

You sound like a lovely daughter op. You've done nothing wrong. It's so much better to be honest. If it came up in future meetings your dad would be hurt. You're allowed to have a life as well, as much as its nice to see your dad every week, he has to accept there will be some days that its not possible. It does seem unfair they can't squeeze one more in, but there's not much you can do about that.

Events that happen on Christmas Day or NYD always run the risk that someone invited may not be able to attend due to them hosting a parent. There are people I maybe would like to invite but would know that I’d need to do a plus one or they wouldn’t be able to attend.

OP, YADNBU. What else are you meant to say?!

Although I am going to go against the grain sliiiightly here - whilst I do think your SIL could have maybe invited your Dad to be kind, can your dad really not manage just ONE Sunday without seeing you all? Could he not come over the day before to make up for it?

It's your husband's brother's bday?

I think that your Dad was cheeky to ask for an invitation tbh.

It's a "big" bday so your Dad is rarely on his own on NYD?

You saw him Christmas Day?

You can see him before or after lunch?

I think a lot of people don't expect to be hosted on NYD if they have been on CD.

Not sure that being on your on NYD is that bad is it?

Your husband has some cheek being annoyed at you for telling the truth.
Don't tolerate that.

Taking for granted that your father is well behaved individual and lives on his own, and they know this, and it is in a house, I think it is really unkind.

Their choice, but unkind.

You were correct to tell the truth.

Your husband's annoyance would piss me off nearly more than his sister.

I too would be tempted to take my father out as well for lunch.

If you start feeling obliged to invite in-laws or parents to any and every event, it gets ridiculous. BIL and SIL have done absolutely nothing wrong here.

People (in this case, the OP’s father) have a responsibility to build their own social circle and not rely solely on their only child to be everything at all times for them.

It’s one day. The OP feels guilty for having one Sunday off from seeing her dad. To attend a birthday get together. That’s not right or healthy.

I agree.

It is a shame that they can't find room for him, but it is what it is. As it's a milestone birthday, maybe they have more friends and distant relatives than usual and the house is going to be very full.

OP can have a "Sunday" meal with him the day before or the day after. It's not like this is his only family visit of the year.

You did the right thing op.

Of course YANBU.
It isn't a personal snub - he just isn't in the {15 ? 30?} people closest to BiL.
why would he be?
It is quite a stretch to expect an invitation to your dd's, dh's, sister's, dh's birthday celebration.
Surely he can just come for lunch on Saturday or Monday (which is a BH) instead ?
I can't see why this is even an issue.
Your dh is being daft.

Honesty is the best policy with a bit of sugar added to it to make it more palatable. I can see the restriction on number and it could be cause if they were to invite your dad, there may be others that felt left out.

Honesty is the best policy

It's at their home and no room for just one more guest? Sorry that's Bullshit.

I don't get this either.

I wouldn't have lied, at least with the truth it's the same story everytime.

As you say just an unfortunate clash of dates.

It might not be 'just one more guest' though - there might be other peripheral family members who'd expect to go if OP's father was invited - people have to draw the line somewhere.