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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told Dad truth about not being invited?

216 replies

freckles20 · 27/12/2022 15:01

My BIL has a big birthday coming up. He is celebrating with a family meal this Sunday which is New Year's Day.

DH and I will be going along with DS (16). My dad is in his late 70s and I usually have him over every Sunday for a roast. As such, he would normally expect to be coming to us unless I let him know otherwise. He lives alone and feels lonely so I do what I can around work (only child).

We all get on well (well as far as I can tell anyway). We hosted everyone including inlaws and my Dad here on Christmas Day and everyone seemed to get on and have a nice day.

My BIL and SIL know I usually have Dad over on a Sunday and they have sometimes included him in their birthday celebrations before. They hadn't invited him specifically- but I wasn't sure whether they had assumed he would join us.

After much puzzling with DH over what to do I decided to take the bull by the horns and just ask my SIL outright. I sent a bright and breezy message which I hope made it clear that there was no expectation but I wasn't sure if my Dad was invited.

The reply came back with an apology but saying that they didn't have room for him.

So when I called Dad today for a chat I let him know that I wouldn't be able to have him over for dinner on Sunday. I said we will do something on a different day instead, and that I'll drive over in the morning on NYD and we can have a cuppa together.

Dad asked me outright why Sunday was off and I told him the truth that we were going to BIL's birthday lunch. Dad suggested that I asked them if he could come and again I told Dad the truth- that there wasn't room.

Here's the point of my AIBU- DH thinks I was wrong to tell Dad the truth. He thinks I've created an awkward situation, and I should have made something else up. He is usually really reasonable but he's really annoyed with me.

I am baffled. I have been working hard to be less of a people pleaser and to get some sensible boundaries in place- so I gave this situation plenty of thought and decided that the truth was the best way forward.

The way I see it:
I asked SIL as gently as I could if dad was able to come.

She had every right to say no. She didn't need to give a reason- but her reason was that there isn't enough room.

I let Dad know as soon as I could so as to manage his expectations wrt Sunday. I'll do what I can to make sure he's not alone on NYD.

When Dad asked me why he wasn't invited I told him the truth.

Maybe Dad will be quietly upset, or picking holes in SIL's reason but I have just passed on the truth. It is an unfortunate and awkward situation but I'm not sure what else I should have done differently.

I'd love some mumsnet wisdom in this one please!

OP posts:
PurplePixies · 27/12/2022 15:54

SIL has done nothing wrong so I don’t understand those posters calling her nasty names. They’re not related to your dad so why would they want to include him? Presumably her husband (BIL) has chosen who he wants to invite to his birthday bash?

To be honest, I think you’ve created this problem by having your dad around for dinner EVERY Sunday and he now expects you to prioritise his needs over the rest of the family. What do you do when you go away on holiday? Surely you don’t take him with you?

TrentCrimm · 27/12/2022 15:55

It's really not unkind to not invite your brother's wife's father to a birthday meal hosted at home. There has to be a cut off point, besides, additional guests can change the dynamic somewhat.

And to be honest (and sorry OP), the fact that he actually asked her to ask if he could tag along makes me wonder what he's like- most people don't do that do they?

MyNameisMathilda · 27/12/2022 15:55

If this was a party on any other Sunday then yes I would have understood your in laws but for it to be on New Year's Day and he is not invited then I think they are first class twats! I think you did the right thing as at least he knows it's not you that doesn't want to see him.

diddl · 27/12/2022 15:55

It's at their home and no room for just one more guest? Sorry that's Bullshit.

So what if it is?

He doesn't want to invite his brother's wife's dad to this bday lunch.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/12/2022 15:56

It's a bit mean they could't make room for him, as he is part of your family.

But I think you were right to tell him the truth. Go and spend some time with him the following day as you have already planned.

What did your DH expect you to do?

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 15:57

Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 15:52

It's at their home and no room for just one more guest? Sorry that's Bullshit.

Show quote history

Of course it's possible there's no room. It's a party for a significant birthday, so there could be lots of friends there as well as immediate family. It might not be a particularly big house. BIL might want it to be a loud and raucous celebration and as OP's dad is in his late 70s he might not enjoy that and they're aware of that.

But the bottom line is it doesn't matter if there are only two other people there, they are not obliged to invite him!

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 15:58

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/12/2022 15:56

It's a bit mean they could't make room for him, as he is part of your family.

But I think you were right to tell him the truth. Go and spend some time with him the following day as you have already planned.

What did your DH expect you to do?

He's part of OP's family, not the BIL's!

Honestly, I am struggling to see why people are so insistent they squeeze him in.

JocelynBurnell · 27/12/2022 15:58

So when I called Dad today for a chat I let him know that I wouldn't be able to have him over for dinner on Sunday. I said we will do something on a different day instead, and that I'll drive over in the morning on NYD and we can have a cuppa together.
Dad asked me outright why Sunday was off and I told him the truth that we were going to BIL's birthday lunch. Dad suggested that I asked them if he could come and again I told Dad the truth- that there wasn't room.

Your suggestion to your DDad that you drive over in the morning on NYD for a cuppa and then do something with your DDad another day instead was a very good suggestion.

That should have been the end to this conversation.

RicStar · 27/12/2022 15:58

I think it might even be his wife's, brothers wife dad! We have very limited space to do a sit down meal at our house, so if I wanted that style of meal I would have a limited guest list. I wouldn't feel obliged to invite my bil or sil parent! Even if it was NYD and I found them fine at larger events.

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 15:59

PurplePixies · 27/12/2022 15:54

SIL has done nothing wrong so I don’t understand those posters calling her nasty names. They’re not related to your dad so why would they want to include him? Presumably her husband (BIL) has chosen who he wants to invite to his birthday bash?

To be honest, I think you’ve created this problem by having your dad around for dinner EVERY Sunday and he now expects you to prioritise his needs over the rest of the family. What do you do when you go away on holiday? Surely you don’t take him with you?

I agree. You've ended up in an arrangement where his needs trump yours or anyone else's.

Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 16:00

diddl · 27/12/2022 15:55

It's at their home and no room for just one more guest? Sorry that's Bullshit.

So what if it is?

He doesn't want to invite his brother's wife's dad to this bday lunch.

It all depends on their dynamics in the family. My family are quite inclusive, esp around Xmas. But we are all close tbf

Pigonawire · 27/12/2022 16:00

YADNBU and nor is your SIL. Maybe they’re having a sit down meal and can’t fit another person in.

Can’t believe some people are suggesting you don’t go to the party or cut it short. Your DF should build friendships or relationships with other people. You can’t be his sole source of company.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 27/12/2022 16:01

YANBU. I don't think your dad has any reason to be offended by not being invited. He isn't close family of your BiL so for a smaller celebration it's natural he won't be top of the list. You can presumably just see him a different day instead of Sunday. Inventing a lie (which as a people pleaser I sometimes end up pointlessly doing) just creates hassle and if it's found out creates a more awkward situation than you had in the first place.

MelchiorsMistress · 27/12/2022 16:02

Your DH is probably feeling embarrassed that his sister has been so inhospitable to his father in law because he’s aware that your father will find it hurtful. He shouldn’t be taking it out on you.

HikingforScenery · 27/12/2022 16:02

Overthebow · 27/12/2022 15:28

I think you should have your dad round as usual and not go to SIL to be honest. You have a long standing invite that he comes to yours each Sunday. Fair enough the occasional plan that clashes on a normal weekend, but this is New Year’s Day so a bit mean really and kind of like he comes to yours unless you get a better invite.

I agrée with this. I’m surprised you’re going tbh

Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 16:03

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 15:57

Of course it's possible there's no room. It's a party for a significant birthday, so there could be lots of friends there as well as immediate family. It might not be a particularly big house. BIL might want it to be a loud and raucous celebration and as OP's dad is in his late 70s he might not enjoy that and they're aware of that.

But the bottom line is it doesn't matter if there are only two other people there, they are not obliged to invite him!

Show quote history

Lol ok I keep mouth shut. Not intending to cause offence and get into an argument on here. No point.

CongaLine · 27/12/2022 16:03

It's a bit cheeky of your dad to expect to be invited to his daughter's husband's sister's husband's birthday meal.

Maybe this is the time to have a conversation about how you can't always keep every single Sunday free for your dad. There will be times when you need to make other plans, and your dad can't always come along with you.

Boomboom22 · 27/12/2022 16:04

I don't get why anyone thought he would be invited? He's your dad and this is your husband's sisters husbands party? They are not related?? They may see each other at your family gatherings with birth sides but he is in no way their family. Quite odd of you to ask for an invite for him at all!

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 16:04

HikingforScenery · 27/12/2022 16:02

I agrée with this. I’m surprised you’re going tbh

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So OP should never celebrate any other family or friend occasion on a Sunday for the rest of her dad's life??? That's a ridiculous expectation to place on her. Did you miss the bit where she said it was a significant birthday for her BIL?

Murdoch1949 · 27/12/2022 16:04

You've done the right thing. Next time your dad is in their company he could well ask about NYD. I do think SIL is being slightly unkind, knowing he would be on his own, but it is totally her choice, her reasoning is weak though, squeezing one elderly adult in takes little effort.

AuntieMarys · 27/12/2022 16:04

So if you are invited somewhere on a Sunday, do you always decline because of your dad?
I think you're very kind having him every week.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/12/2022 16:04

@Inkpotlover

He's part of OP's family, not the BIL's!

But they are all family now?!

Anyway, you obviously think the same as the SIL/BIL.

HikingforScenery · 27/12/2022 16:05

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 16:04

So OP should never celebrate any other family or friend occasion on a Sunday for the rest of her dad's life??? That's a ridiculous expectation to place on her. Did you miss the bit where she said it was a significant birthday for her BIL?

Show quote history

You know plain well that’s not what I meant. It’s New Year’s Day.

Moonpies · 27/12/2022 16:06

I can understand your BIL not wanting your father to his party even if they get on well in family finners, they are very different social functions. Is it your dad making you feel guilty for missing one time (or delaying it) ? Surely it shouldn't matter too much, you're very good for seeing him every week!

Ragwort · 27/12/2022 16:06

I agree with other posters in that maybe you shouldn't be so rigid about seeing your DF every Sunday ... does he have any friends of his own or does he rely on you for social interaction? A wise friend with an elderly
parent said to me years ago to not get into a fixed routine about meeting up ... my own DM is nearly 90 but I try to mix up my days when we can meet up ... fortunately I work flexibly ... and also it's not always 'lunch' ... sometimes coffee out/shopping/visit etc. But fortunately my DM has lots of her own friends and is not too demanding of me for my time.