AIBU to have told Dad truth about not being invited?

[freckles20]

My BIL has a big birthday coming up. He is celebrating with a family meal this Sunday which is New Year's Day.

DH and I will be going along with DS (16). My dad is in his late 70s and I usually have him over every Sunday for a roast. As such, he would normally expect to be coming to us unless I let him know otherwise. He lives alone and feels lonely so I do what I can around work (only child).

We all get on well (well as far as I can tell anyway). We hosted everyone including inlaws and my Dad here on Christmas Day and everyone seemed to get on and have a nice day.

My BIL and SIL know I usually have Dad over on a Sunday and they have sometimes included him in their birthday celebrations before. They hadn't invited him specifically- but I wasn't sure whether they had assumed he would join us.

After much puzzling with DH over what to do I decided to take the bull by the horns and just ask my SIL outright. I sent a bright and breezy message which I hope made it clear that there was no expectation but I wasn't sure if my Dad was invited.

The reply came back with an apology but saying that they didn't have room for him.

So when I called Dad today for a chat I let him know that I wouldn't be able to have him over for dinner on Sunday. I said we will do something on a different day instead, and that I'll drive over in the morning on NYD and we can have a cuppa together.

Dad asked me outright why Sunday was off and I told him the truth that we were going to BIL's birthday lunch. Dad suggested that I asked them if he could come and again I told Dad the truth- that there wasn't room.

Here's the point of my AIBU- DH thinks I was wrong to tell Dad the truth. He thinks I've created an awkward situation, and I should have made something else up. He is usually really reasonable but he's really annoyed with me.

I am baffled. I have been working hard to be less of a people pleaser and to get some sensible boundaries in place- so I gave this situation plenty of thought and decided that the truth was the best way forward.

The way I see it:
I asked SIL as gently as I could if dad was able to come.

She had every right to say no. She didn't need to give a reason- but her reason was that there isn't enough room.

I let Dad know as soon as I could so as to manage his expectations wrt Sunday. I'll do what I can to make sure he's not alone on NYD.

When Dad asked me why he wasn't invited I told him the truth.

Maybe Dad will be quietly upset, or picking holes in SIL's reason but I have just passed on the truth. It is an unfortunate and awkward situation but I'm not sure what else I should have done differently.

I'd love some mumsnet wisdom in this one please!

This is the problem with people having an expectation ‘I always go for Sunday lunch’ limits your ability to be spontaneous. I don’t agree that OP and DH should turn down invitations on Sundays where DF is not included . He’s an adult!
On this occasion he isn’t inviteed and should be able to amuse himself.

I’d have done exactly the same as you. I’d have very politely asked if he was invited and told your dad the truth when he asked. He is allowed to feel a bit disappointed but there is nothing wrong with them not inviting him.

They are not immediate family. It's his daughter's husband's sister's husband's birthday celebration.

OK so by your logic they should invite:
Ops husbands parents
The bil parents
The parents of any other siblings he or the sister have spouses parents

To the meal because they are all family now?

The lack of invite is not an issue. Asking if he was invited was a bit strange as he is not their family.

Nothing wrong with telling your dad the real reason you won't be seeing him on NYD. He should not be upset he wasn't invited to another familys NYD, but he might be upset that you are dumping him because you got a better offer.

Hope he has someone else to celebrate the day with.

Reading the OP*, it is not his brother's wife's dad but one degree further out.

BIL has not invited his wife's brother's wife's dad to the family meal as there isn't room.

*In the OP, SIL was referred to as the OP's DH's sister.

He is her Dad and some families are like this.

So? Sometimes significant days fall on Sundays but it's a lot for OP to be expected to miss every one of them. It's not healthy.

Why should OP miss the party?
It will not hurt her df to have lunch at home for one day and OP is still visiting in the morning.

How?

For not wanting essentially a random man they see a few times a year at her husbands party?

But he isn't family to OPs ILs.

If they haven't accommodated him that is their choice.

OP got this right. Her DF is understandably disappointed, but he's an adult. He can work it out for himself.

Her DH however needs to sit down and have a think. Why is this OPs fault? It's his own brother/sister who didn't think/want to accommodate his FIL. He can take it up with them.

Or he can grow up and realise that sometimes we don't always get a perfect solution and, as adults, we learn to accept that

OP you have no reason to feel guilty. You say you are working hard to be less of a people pleaser. Where is this coming from, does your dad regularly use guilt as his currency so you'll prioritise him? You are an only child and with that comes the reality that actually you can't and shouldn't be expected to spread yourself thinly for him. He's likely to be getting away with it because he's elderly but it's no different to any other man expecting you to do what he wants. I wonder if, at any point, he's considered your feelings at all.

No - it is the situation! He is alone. It is New Year's Day and she usually has him on a Sunday.

Really?

Grow up!

As with others I would see the “no space” as a white lie. Probably an attempt to kindly cover the gap between your view of how close your father is to their family and their view of how close your father is to their family.

And this may be the crux of yor husband’s discomfort as well. Have the two of you been building this idea in your mind (and your DF’s) that DH’s sister’s husband sees your father as (fairly close) family when that is not really the case?

Have they occasionally had.him along to please you and you’ve all read more into that than was intended? So now it feels hard to back track? It’s a pretty tenuous family connection. Not that your DF isn’t a lovely person who many people might enjoy the company of, this isn’t a slight on his character, but the idea that your spouse’s siblings’ partner’s parents should be counted as family for a family birthday party is kind of stretching the line.

So I don’t think you were not unreasonable to repeat the “no room” excuse, but I think you probably ought to be lowering your DF’s expectations around what DP’s extended family’s partners are to him.

I think if the OP couldn't see the dad because she was off to a friend's house for example the dad is likely to be fine and so she's not tied to never doing anything on a Sunday.

But on a 'big' symbolic Sunday, when she's going to somewhere where he may well have been invited on other occasions, and the inviting party know that the OP normally hosts her lonely father (who they know well), I can fully see why the OP feels conflicted. And why the dad may feel left out.

I think it is a bit mean to say no given that they all know each other well and they know you host him OP.

You were right to be honest, what spontaneous lie did your DH expect you to invent?

Is it just me who thinks NYD is a bit of a nothing day? Never felt under any obligation to see people then. Christmas Day yes, NYE maybe but not NYD You are going for a coffee in the morning, seeing him another day, I think that sounds fine and why make up a different reason when that one is fine.

And BIL on his birthday? Should he anticipate others refusing all invitations because something that happens every other week of the year clashes once a year?

Be careful before you answer as that applies to every other day of the year too.

How is it mean to not have your wife’s brother’s wife’s father at your birthday party???!!!

He is no relation whatsoever and if OP’s Dad had been invited to things in the past then that’s a bonus and shouldn’t be expected.

Most people with that relationship between them would have met once at a wedding and that’s it.

The SIL is not being mean at all.

And yes, OP was right to just say the truth - it’s fine and normal and not something hurtful.

This thread is bonkers, for a site where most don’t like the idea of inviting their own MIL to theirs for Christmas there are lines of posters saying the SIL here is unreasonable for not inviting her brothers, wife’s father to her husbands birthday party?!

He is essentially an acquaintance, they see each other a handful of times a year, hardly ‘family’ or even friends.

Its incredibly unreasonable that the OP even asked if her dad was invited, that was ultimate cheeky fuckery, and the fact the dad also asked makes me wonder whether there are good reasons outside of the obvious (he isn’t their family) for him not to be invited.

I dont think anyone has done anything wrong. She isn't mean for not inviting him. Yes she obviously could have squeezed one more person in, but it's likely that if the party is at home space is an issue and they've likely been unable to invite whole families or groups of people who would have liked to come. They are probably trying to avoid explaining to aunt and uncle X why all the cousins and their kids weren't invited but their SIL's dad was.

I also think you were right to tell the truth. It would be very easy to lie about where you were going and then DS (or one of you!) slip up and mention it. Or another person who went to the party since you say that you do all socialise from time to time.

I suspect that your DH was just annoyed at his sister having to take the blame/fault for having just one day off from giving your father a roast dinner, OP. If you do it every week, then it shouldn't be a big thing to miss one or two occasions. You should definitely go to the party, and they are under no obligation to invite your father.

I agree with the PP who have suggested switching the days of the meal up a bit, does your father have any friends or go out on his own? It can be easy to fall into a bit of a rut of depending solely on family and it does narrow down your father's world if he does this.

A lack of space is a perfectly fine reason to not invite non-family and non-friends. There is nothing to be upset about or needing covered up. Tbh I think your dad is a bit cheeky to ask for an invitation!

Why is the SIL being called names/accused of being mean-it's not her party, she may not have decided who does/doesn't go!