AIBU to have told Dad truth about not being invited?

[freckles20]

My BIL has a big birthday coming up. He is celebrating with a family meal this Sunday which is New Year's Day.

DH and I will be going along with DS (16). My dad is in his late 70s and I usually have him over every Sunday for a roast. As such, he would normally expect to be coming to us unless I let him know otherwise. He lives alone and feels lonely so I do what I can around work (only child).

We all get on well (well as far as I can tell anyway). We hosted everyone including inlaws and my Dad here on Christmas Day and everyone seemed to get on and have a nice day.

My BIL and SIL know I usually have Dad over on a Sunday and they have sometimes included him in their birthday celebrations before. They hadn't invited him specifically- but I wasn't sure whether they had assumed he would join us.

After much puzzling with DH over what to do I decided to take the bull by the horns and just ask my SIL outright. I sent a bright and breezy message which I hope made it clear that there was no expectation but I wasn't sure if my Dad was invited.

The reply came back with an apology but saying that they didn't have room for him.

So when I called Dad today for a chat I let him know that I wouldn't be able to have him over for dinner on Sunday. I said we will do something on a different day instead, and that I'll drive over in the morning on NYD and we can have a cuppa together.

Dad asked me outright why Sunday was off and I told him the truth that we were going to BIL's birthday lunch. Dad suggested that I asked them if he could come and again I told Dad the truth- that there wasn't room.

Here's the point of my AIBU- DH thinks I was wrong to tell Dad the truth. He thinks I've created an awkward situation, and I should have made something else up. He is usually really reasonable but he's really annoyed with me.

I am baffled. I have been working hard to be less of a people pleaser and to get some sensible boundaries in place- so I gave this situation plenty of thought and decided that the truth was the best way forward.

The way I see it:
I asked SIL as gently as I could if dad was able to come.

She had every right to say no. She didn't need to give a reason- but her reason was that there isn't enough room.

I let Dad know as soon as I could so as to manage his expectations wrt Sunday. I'll do what I can to make sure he's not alone on NYD.

When Dad asked me why he wasn't invited I told him the truth.

Maybe Dad will be quietly upset, or picking holes in SIL's reason but I have just passed on the truth. It is an unfortunate and awkward situation but I'm not sure what else I should have done differently.

I'd love some mumsnet wisdom in this one please!

I think it is her husband’s sister’s husband’s birthday.

I was just trying to work that out too! I think it was really cheeky of OP to even ask if her dad was invited in the first place. If OP didn’t want her dad to be alone then she needed to decline the birthday meal, not ask to bring her dad!

Here's the point of my AIBU- DH thinks I was wrong to tell Dad the truth. He thinks I've created an awkward situation, and I should have made something else up. He is usually really reasonable but he's really annoyed with me

In general truth is better or simply tell him to take it up with his sister and BiL.

However if I read you right, this is your DF and your husband's BiL, ie no actual relationship between them? Unless they are good friends outside of the indirect family connection why would he expect to be invited?

Well the first three of your categories are actually much more closely related to the birthday boy than OP’s dad!

He’s a grown up whose daughter is missing their weekly Sunday lunch on one week (and promising to go along some other time instead). Most people don’t make a big deal out of New Year’s Day.

I suppose it might be different if he’d always made a big deal over New Years Day and maybe invited the BiL, SiL any of DH’s other siblings’ families and others over in the past. So I guess there’s some wiggle room but it seems super unlikely.

Apparently so! Some people seem to live on Albert Square.

Exactly.

The OP is kind enough to often have him over for a roast on a Sunday. It is nice. But it doesn't - or shouldn't - prevent her from ever being able to accept any invitation to be elsewhere on a Sunday ever again, and I can't believe people are seriously suggesting the OP doesn't go to the party. What an odd way of thinking.

I think it's reasonable not to invite him. I think making up an excuse might have been kinder, although not having enough room at the table is an OK and truthful reason

I think it is her husband’s sister’s husband’s birthday.

Thank you.

I think that a pp might be right about her husband's sister being "blamed".

"Sorry, we're busy" should have done.

Instead it's "I asked & she said no".

It (to me) seems very entitled that Op/her Dad asked,

Seems such a big fuss about a Sunday/NYE lunch alone.
Rather be thankful for all the times he was included!

I don't think that BIL and SIL have done anything wrong by not inviting OP's father, SIL certainly is not a bitch, it's up to them who they invite.

I'm also surprised that some posters are suggesting that OP doesn't go to the party just so her father can see her, it's BIL's birthday and OP sees her father every Sunday, so OP can never do anything else, she MUST see her father and any other invites can fuck off?

Sorry but that's nuts.

"I did ask DH what I should have done and he suggested I made up a different reason. Or said we were doing something else. He wasn't more specific even when I pushed him but he's clearly annoyed with me."

Sounds to me as if your people-pleasing husband wanted you to take the 'blame' for your dad's non-invite rather than his sister, the actual non-inviter. I would not take kindly to the implication that he cares more how your dad regards his sister than how your dad regards you. And I would be telling him to get a fucking grip.

YANBU

Since when has New Years Day been a big occasion that no-one should be on their own for?

I'm alone for it every year. I fully expect and hope that my own adult kids are either sleeping off a fun NYE or remembering the days when they could, but now the toddler and baby will have woken them up!

I'm not far off the dad's age in this situation, and I pray that I don't turn needy in the next two or three years.

Completely agree. As a child we used to
have yearly family reunions with my GP, their children ( my mum and brothers) and GC ( me, my siblings and cousins).
One of my uncle’s wife dad was always there as he was living with them and it definitely changed the dynamic.
I mean, fine sometimes of course, but not necessarily every single time. If you were next to him you weren’t really able to catch up with family members but would have to make mundane chit chat otherwise he would have been excluded.
So I really see why they might not have wanted to include him especially if they already spent Christmas with him last weekend!

I don't think YABU for telling the truth, but definitely for dumping your father for your BIL. You shouldn't have accepted an invite on a day where you had plans, simple as that. You're his only child, he's an old man. An adult, yes, but old people are sensitive to change. But that's your priorities, not mine. Thankfully.

She isn't. Sounds like you probably are though.

You did the right thing.

30 odd years ago my mother invited herself along to my brother in laws birthday BBQ, on a Sunday afternoon - it wasn't a 'big' birthday but it turned out they were announcing their first pregnancy to the family that day. Myself and husband had only been married about 6 months at this point....and it was also 6 months since my father had left my mother for another woman. My mother was staying with us temporarily while her new flat was being got ready for her to move into. My in laws were giving us (myself and husband) a lift to the BBQ and I could tell they were a bit taken aback when my mother piped up with 'I'm coming along too, if that's ok'...as a side note, myself and my mother are Australian, husband and in-laws British...so basically the in-laws were too polite to say 'no, you aren't invited'.

The party was so awkward. My mother of course knew nobody there, she hadn't known my in-laws before we got married and hadn't met a good 99% of the people there. She'd only met my brother and sister in law once, at our wedding! Add in that my mother is a narcissist who can't stand not being the centre of attention...we ended up having to leave early.

My mother then complained bitterly to me how unfriendly Brits are, and my husband had his parents complain bitterly to him about how rude my mother was to invite herself along, and ruin the announcement of their first grandchild by trying to make it all about her and my father leaving her. Myself and husband divorced less than 3 years later and my mother never saw any of husband's family ever again.

A capable grown adult can cope with the fact that they aren't going to be invited to everything.

OP is supposed to never do anything on a Sunday for as long as her Dad is alive? I imagine you think your post makes you look kind and caring. It doesn't. It makes you soujnd like a prissy, judgemental martyr.

In England I think that New Year's Day has no great significance but being Scottish by birth it has great significance for me . I have spent a few on my own after I was divorced and it wasn't great but I survived. I would always try to endeavour that family were not alone at this time of the year. I live in England now.

So OP isn't allowed to have any kind of a social life on a Sunday except lunch with her dad? Where's the harm in her missing it once in a blue moon? Bearing in mind she's going to pop round in the morning and have a cuppa with him instead. My DD is an only child and I would never hold her to such a restrictive agreement.

Do you really think she should never go out on a Sunday as long as her father lives? He'd be incredibly selfish to expect that of her.

I'm a bit bemused as to why your Dad would be invited tbh? He is no relation to them at all. Whilst it's kind of them to have included him previously it doesn't mean they need to invite him every time. Its a big birthday perhaps they wanted it family and friends only

Why don't you invite him over for another day say the Saturday? You could have just said we need to rearrange this Sunday to Saturday problem solved.

I think it was odd your dad asked to go

In all honesty, I think I might have just been a bit vague about where I was going that afternoon. Just say you’re off out / busy doing something else and change the subject.

Probably just me, I hate awkward situations and now this is an awkward situation as your dad probably feels insulted and you’ve dropped your in-laws in it.

'I'm coming along too, if that's ok'...as a side note, myself and my mother are Australian, husband and in-laws British...so basically the in-laws were too polite to say 'no, you aren't invited'.

Why didn't you tell her that she wasn't invited?

Your dad and your husband are grown adults, not little boys, if they feel any awkwardness at all who cares. It's their problem not yours.

You're not their Mummy; don't ever let a man put you in that role. .