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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told Dad truth about not being invited?

216 replies

freckles20 · 27/12/2022 15:01

My BIL has a big birthday coming up. He is celebrating with a family meal this Sunday which is New Year's Day.

DH and I will be going along with DS (16). My dad is in his late 70s and I usually have him over every Sunday for a roast. As such, he would normally expect to be coming to us unless I let him know otherwise. He lives alone and feels lonely so I do what I can around work (only child).

We all get on well (well as far as I can tell anyway). We hosted everyone including inlaws and my Dad here on Christmas Day and everyone seemed to get on and have a nice day.

My BIL and SIL know I usually have Dad over on a Sunday and they have sometimes included him in their birthday celebrations before. They hadn't invited him specifically- but I wasn't sure whether they had assumed he would join us.

After much puzzling with DH over what to do I decided to take the bull by the horns and just ask my SIL outright. I sent a bright and breezy message which I hope made it clear that there was no expectation but I wasn't sure if my Dad was invited.

The reply came back with an apology but saying that they didn't have room for him.

So when I called Dad today for a chat I let him know that I wouldn't be able to have him over for dinner on Sunday. I said we will do something on a different day instead, and that I'll drive over in the morning on NYD and we can have a cuppa together.

Dad asked me outright why Sunday was off and I told him the truth that we were going to BIL's birthday lunch. Dad suggested that I asked them if he could come and again I told Dad the truth- that there wasn't room.

Here's the point of my AIBU- DH thinks I was wrong to tell Dad the truth. He thinks I've created an awkward situation, and I should have made something else up. He is usually really reasonable but he's really annoyed with me.

I am baffled. I have been working hard to be less of a people pleaser and to get some sensible boundaries in place- so I gave this situation plenty of thought and decided that the truth was the best way forward.

The way I see it:
I asked SIL as gently as I could if dad was able to come.

She had every right to say no. She didn't need to give a reason- but her reason was that there isn't enough room.

I let Dad know as soon as I could so as to manage his expectations wrt Sunday. I'll do what I can to make sure he's not alone on NYD.

When Dad asked me why he wasn't invited I told him the truth.

Maybe Dad will be quietly upset, or picking holes in SIL's reason but I have just passed on the truth. It is an unfortunate and awkward situation but I'm not sure what else I should have done differently.

I'd love some mumsnet wisdom in this one please!

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 27/12/2022 18:24

Tiltedandwilted · 27/12/2022 16:17

This thread is bonkers, for a site where most don’t like the idea of inviting their own MIL to theirs for Christmas there are lines of posters saying the SIL here is unreasonable for not inviting her brothers, wife’s father to her husbands birthday party?!

He is essentially an acquaintance, they see each other a handful of times a year, hardly ‘family’ or even friends.

Its incredibly unreasonable that the OP even asked if her dad was invited, that was ultimate cheeky fuckery, and the fact the dad also asked makes me wonder whether there are good reasons outside of the obvious (he isn’t their family) for him not to be invited.

This thread is bonkers, for a site where most don’t like the idea of inviting their own MIL to theirs for Christmas there are lines of posters saying the SIL here is unreasonable for not inviting her brothers, wife’s father to her husbands birthday party?!

Absolutely on the button!

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/12/2022 18:40

Thank you for all the replies. Plenty of different opinions which is interesting and thought provoking.

I should clarify that whenever we can we have dad over for Sunday dinner. He joins us at 7pm and it is unusual for anything to clash with this TBH. But, when it does I let Dad know as soon as I can and we arrange an alternative if we can, or skip it if we can't.

As a single person who is almost 80 and a unfortunately a bit frail he does pretty well and I am proud of him for keeping friendships going where he can and having some interests. Unfortunately a lot of his closer friends have died over the last few years, or moved and his social circle is shrinking. He does get low and lonely but takes responsibility for himself and doesn't like to rely on me.

I did consider not accepting BIL's birthday celebration invite but decided that I ought to go. It is his 50th and I felt I should go along. DH really wanted us both to be there and in the interests of give and take it felt right to join him as he does an awful lot for me, DS and my parents (who are divorced).

I do feel awkward that Dad will most likely spend NYD on his own other than a visit from me. When I called him earlier he did say he was going to ask a couple of friends if they would like to meet up, but he didn't sound very hopeful. He is a sociable person and I know he would like some company.

Hope that answers a few questions.

OP posts:
diddl · 27/12/2022 18:45

So if you're going out for lunch your Dad would usually be on his own then anyway?

Or he would come over earlier on NYD?

Notthetoothfairy · 27/12/2022 20:01

How about inviting him round for brunch/lunch so he doesn’t spend all day alone?

Pascor · 27/12/2022 20:13

Notthetoothfairy · 27/12/2022 20:01

How about inviting him round for brunch/lunch so he doesn’t spend all day alone?

Genius. Invite him over for brunch or lunch when the whole point is that OP is going to BIL's birthday lunch.

Craftybodger · 27/12/2022 20:24

I agree, there was nothing wrong in asking nicely if he was invited and nothing wrong in telling your DD that he wasn’t invited.

Monday the 2nd is a bank holiday - could you have your Dad for lunch that day instead?

Stopthebusplease · 27/12/2022 20:38

Could it be that the BIL has already invited one extra person instead of your Dad, and therefore where there was room previously, there isn't this time? Maybe if your Dad does question it further, that could be the answer.

RunLolaRun102 · 27/12/2022 20:45

Your sil / bil is within their rights to say no of course, but I personally think it’s wrong to not plan for 1-2 extras. In my opinion if you can’t afford a bit of flexibility over Christmas / New Year then you can’t afford a party.

Pascor · 27/12/2022 20:52

Only on Mn are you rude for not inviting your brothers wifes dad to your birthday lunch. Out in the real world, nobody would ever expect you to.

Tiltedandwilted · 27/12/2022 20:54

RunLolaRun102 · 27/12/2022 20:45

Your sil / bil is within their rights to say no of course, but I personally think it’s wrong to not plan for 1-2 extras. In my opinion if you can’t afford a bit of flexibility over Christmas / New Year then you can’t afford a party.

Wtf?

planning for extras yeah, but extra friends or family members. Not your sister in laws father.

saraclara · 27/12/2022 20:56

RunLolaRun102 · 27/12/2022 20:45

Your sil / bil is within their rights to say no of course, but I personally think it’s wrong to not plan for 1-2 extras. In my opinion if you can’t afford a bit of flexibility over Christmas / New Year then you can’t afford a party.

It's good 50th birthday, ffs. He can invite who he likes. It's not a general Christmas party,it's an awkwardly timed birthday party.

It's pretty shitty to have a birthday on NYD as it is, without somehow being compelled to invite extra people 'because it's Christmas'.

saraclara · 27/12/2022 20:56

It's HIS 50th, rather

ijwmtb · 27/12/2022 21:06

freckles20 · 27/12/2022 15:19

I agree. They party is in their home and they are pretty easygoing so I do think they could have squeezed one more in if they wanted to. I'd have hoped they wouldn't want to leave him out- but maybe I'm bound to think that as he's my Dad and I'm biased.

At the end of the day it is their decision. Maybe they just didn't want him there which of course is fair enough.

Show quote history

I think you are being a little bit sensitive here with your comment in the first paragraph about hoping they could have squeezed him in / wouldn't want to leave him out. And the comment from a PP about SIL being a bitch is shocking!

I know my BIL's parents reasonably well through events involving that side of the family - we're all friendly and they're perfectly lovely. I try to be thoughtful towards them where I think it's appropriate - e.g. helping to facilitate their involvement in my DNs (their GCs) lives by giving lifts, sending Christmas cards. But they're not 'my' people - it wouldn't occur to me for a minute to invite them to one of my own fairly small celebrations and tbh I'd be a bit surprised to be asked. I think it's fair enough for your BIL to just have people there who he genuinely wants to celebrate with (and if he started including people like your dad out of a sense of obligation there are probably people he'd be more inclined to invite - e.g. his own elderly relatives).

I think you did the right thing in telling the truth. It might be a bit hurtful for your dad if he perceives the relationship differently to how they do - but you can't protect him from all minor upsets. I am sorry he will be sad at spending New Year's Day alone - maybe you soften the blow by sending a delivery of something/give him a call in the evening/ book something nice in for the following weekend. You sound like a lovely daughter by the way.

StoneofDestiny · 27/12/2022 21:13

You told the truth - don't lie, lies usually backfire in the long run.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 27/12/2022 21:26

you've been perfectly reasonable and there shouldn't be any awkwardness. we have occasionally shared Christmas at a sibling's house with a PiL or two being there too and have been perfectly civil and mellow but there is no way on earth that I would for a moment consider inviting someone so tenuously connected to me to come to my own birthday celebrations. It's ridiculous for your dad to even suggest he might be invited to be honest and certainly he shouldn't take any offence that he's not included. any awkwardness could only spring from an unreasonable self-centredness that should be gently set right.

Crazycrazylady · 27/12/2022 23:44

Honestly I think I might have told him a little white lie that you were going to a bar etc since he seemed to expect an invite but it's very unfair of you to think that your elderly dad should be included in all your dhs invitations .
Of course that would sort your dilemma but it does change the dynamic when a non family member is there and he's your dad and no relation to them.

Pascor · 28/12/2022 00:40

Crazycrazylady · 27/12/2022 23:44

Honestly I think I might have told him a little white lie that you were going to a bar etc since he seemed to expect an invite but it's very unfair of you to think that your elderly dad should be included in all your dhs invitations .
Of course that would sort your dilemma but it does change the dynamic when a non family member is there and he's your dad and no relation to them.

She doesn't think her father should be included in all invitations. She couldn't have made that clearer.
Does anyone bother to actually read the fucking thing before weighing in?

ForeverWeBlend · 28/12/2022 01:05

YANBU for telling the truth to an adult.

BradfordGirl · 28/12/2022 01:15

I think you did the right thing.
I think your DH thinks his sister is wrong not to invite your dad which is why he wanted you to lie.

Judgyjudgy · 28/12/2022 01:38

I think it's fine and your dad wouldn't care. I do also think though if DH thought it would be awkward why you just didn't say you were busy that evening rather than having to give the details

JustAnotherSlob · 28/12/2022 01:59

OP I just wanted to say that you sound really lovely and kind to your DF. He must appreciate having you around and making sure you do what you can to show he is loved.

ChicCroissant · 28/12/2022 11:24

Pascor · 28/12/2022 00:40

She doesn't think her father should be included in all invitations. She couldn't have made that clearer.
Does anyone bother to actually read the fucking thing before weighing in?

Show quote history

The OP did say that she was hoping he'd be invited! And she asked her SIL if he could come.

I'd have hoped they wouldn't want to leave him out- but maybe I'm bound to think that as he's my Dad and I'm biased.

Original poster
freckles20 · 28/12/2022 12:05

@ChicCroissant just to give some context- as I said in my OP (I think, or a post soon after) Dad has been included in their celebrations before. I appreciate that might seem odd to some posters but for whatever reason he has been part of a lot of things that we do together and included in various things in the past including some of BIL and SIL's birthdays, Christmas at their house etc..

Dad has also hosted them in his holiday caravan at the coast, and BIL and my dad share a love of football so on occasion have travelled together to watch and where he can dad has got BIL tickets for away matches etc..

None of the above mean that I think that dad "should' be invited to this particular celebration. But maybe they help explain why I thought that it was a possibility.....

OP posts:
Pascor · 28/12/2022 12:40

ChicCroissant · 28/12/2022 11:24

The OP did say that she was hoping he'd be invited! And she asked her SIL if he could come.

I'd have hoped they wouldn't want to leave him out- but maybe I'm bound to think that as he's my Dad and I'm biased.

Show quote history

She also extremely clearly said that she asked her SIL but absolutely knew that SIL had every right to say no and was perfectly fine with her doing so.

Hopeing for an invite is not the same thing as expecting an invite.

ImBlueDab · 28/12/2022 12:42

It is not your place to lie or even white lie. Your SIL told you the reason, and you passed this on. Why would you put yourself in an awkward position and potentially damage the relationship with your Dad by lying. You did the right thing op. If your DH or SIL has an issue with this, they should have told your Dad upfront he wasn't invited, rather than leaving it, for him to find out

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