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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told Dad truth about not being invited?

216 replies

freckles20 · 27/12/2022 15:01

My BIL has a big birthday coming up. He is celebrating with a family meal this Sunday which is New Year's Day.

DH and I will be going along with DS (16). My dad is in his late 70s and I usually have him over every Sunday for a roast. As such, he would normally expect to be coming to us unless I let him know otherwise. He lives alone and feels lonely so I do what I can around work (only child).

We all get on well (well as far as I can tell anyway). We hosted everyone including inlaws and my Dad here on Christmas Day and everyone seemed to get on and have a nice day.

My BIL and SIL know I usually have Dad over on a Sunday and they have sometimes included him in their birthday celebrations before. They hadn't invited him specifically- but I wasn't sure whether they had assumed he would join us.

After much puzzling with DH over what to do I decided to take the bull by the horns and just ask my SIL outright. I sent a bright and breezy message which I hope made it clear that there was no expectation but I wasn't sure if my Dad was invited.

The reply came back with an apology but saying that they didn't have room for him.

So when I called Dad today for a chat I let him know that I wouldn't be able to have him over for dinner on Sunday. I said we will do something on a different day instead, and that I'll drive over in the morning on NYD and we can have a cuppa together.

Dad asked me outright why Sunday was off and I told him the truth that we were going to BIL's birthday lunch. Dad suggested that I asked them if he could come and again I told Dad the truth- that there wasn't room.

Here's the point of my AIBU- DH thinks I was wrong to tell Dad the truth. He thinks I've created an awkward situation, and I should have made something else up. He is usually really reasonable but he's really annoyed with me.

I am baffled. I have been working hard to be less of a people pleaser and to get some sensible boundaries in place- so I gave this situation plenty of thought and decided that the truth was the best way forward.

The way I see it:
I asked SIL as gently as I could if dad was able to come.

She had every right to say no. She didn't need to give a reason- but her reason was that there isn't enough room.

I let Dad know as soon as I could so as to manage his expectations wrt Sunday. I'll do what I can to make sure he's not alone on NYD.

When Dad asked me why he wasn't invited I told him the truth.

Maybe Dad will be quietly upset, or picking holes in SIL's reason but I have just passed on the truth. It is an unfortunate and awkward situation but I'm not sure what else I should have done differently.

I'd love some mumsnet wisdom in this one please!

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:28

The truth is best but your dh didn’t want to hurt your dad so his reaction makes sense. So it’s very easy to see why your dh didn’t want you to tell your dad the cold hard truth. It’s interesting that you did.

However, it seems to me that sil was cruel not inviting her husband’s father to his son’s big birthday (unless there’s a backstory and he didn’t want dad there) and giving excuse of not enough room. That is pathetic really. So, in this case the truth is best because the father and everyone else need to be aware of unkind sil. (Again, unless there’s a backstory).

Tiltedandwilted · 27/12/2022 17:30

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:28

The truth is best but your dh didn’t want to hurt your dad so his reaction makes sense. So it’s very easy to see why your dh didn’t want you to tell your dad the cold hard truth. It’s interesting that you did.

However, it seems to me that sil was cruel not inviting her husband’s father to his son’s big birthday (unless there’s a backstory and he didn’t want dad there) and giving excuse of not enough room. That is pathetic really. So, in this case the truth is best because the father and everyone else need to be aware of unkind sil. (Again, unless there’s a backstory).

It’s not her husbands father! It’s her brothers, wife’s father

good grief, how hard is it to read a post properly

AFigmentOfMyOwnImagination · 27/12/2022 17:32

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:28

The truth is best but your dh didn’t want to hurt your dad so his reaction makes sense. So it’s very easy to see why your dh didn’t want you to tell your dad the cold hard truth. It’s interesting that you did.

However, it seems to me that sil was cruel not inviting her husband’s father to his son’s big birthday (unless there’s a backstory and he didn’t want dad there) and giving excuse of not enough room. That is pathetic really. So, in this case the truth is best because the father and everyone else need to be aware of unkind sil. (Again, unless there’s a backstory).

Have you even read the post?
it’s the ops father. The party is the ops husbands sisters husband

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 17:33

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:28

The truth is best but your dh didn’t want to hurt your dad so his reaction makes sense. So it’s very easy to see why your dh didn’t want you to tell your dad the cold hard truth. It’s interesting that you did.

However, it seems to me that sil was cruel not inviting her husband’s father to his son’s big birthday (unless there’s a backstory and he didn’t want dad there) and giving excuse of not enough room. That is pathetic really. So, in this case the truth is best because the father and everyone else need to be aware of unkind sil. (Again, unless there’s a backstory).

The backstory is he's not the BIL's dad! He is the BIL's wife's brother's wife's dad.

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:36

He is the BIL's wife's brother's wife's dad.

Now I’m even more confused. Can you blame me? Come on 😂

sianiboo · 27/12/2022 17:37

@diddl Because I was just 21, immature and stupid, still in thrall to my mother and feeling sorry for her because of my father leaving. She literally did it when we were all going out to the in-laws car, in a 'plenty of room for one more, the more the merrier' type of tone. It hadn't occurred to me in advance that she invite herself along, if it had I would have arranged for myself and husband to meet his parents at their place, not ours.

Puppers · 27/12/2022 17:38

Gandalflight · 27/12/2022 17:06

I don't think YABU for telling the truth, but definitely for dumping your father for your BIL. You shouldn't have accepted an invite on a day where you had plans, simple as that. You're his only child, he's an old man. An adult, yes, but old people are sensitive to change. But that's your priorities, not mine. Thankfully.

The "thankfully" on the end is really nasty.

It's clear from OP's comments that there are and have been occasions where this weekly roast hasn't happened. It's not a set in stone arrangement, rather something unofficial that has developed over time. Should OP never ever do anything on a Sunday ever again? Never have a weekend away? Never go to a celebration or wedding on a Sunday? Never go on holiday? Be realistic.

blubberyboo · 27/12/2022 17:39

Your DH is wrong

there is no white lie you could’ve made up that wouldn’t have made things worse. No matter what you said you were doing he would’ve insisted he could’ve come along. This would have spiralled into a web of lies.

By being honest you have shown him the choice is out of your hands.

DH probably wants to save face for himself on behalf of his sister but truthfully it’s down to them to decide and they therefore will take it on the chin if any hurt is caused. Not your fault and not your problem if either of them are embarrassed or anything.

you did right.

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:41

Hold on. I know it’s op’s father. After that, all bets are off. I stick with my position that it was unkind for sil to not let op’s father attend the birthday celebration of...sil’s husband.

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 17:41

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:36

He is the BIL's wife's brother's wife's dad.

Now I’m even more confused. Can you blame me? Come on 😂

It's a head spinner! 😂

He's OP's father. OP is married to a man who has a sister. It's her husband who is having the party.

It's there not U that OP's dad hasn't been invited. He and BIL are not immediate family.

BakersYeast · 27/12/2022 17:42

2bazookas · 27/12/2022 17:27

Your dad and your husband are grown adults, not little boys, if they feel any awkwardness at all who cares. It's their problem not yours.

You're not their Mummy; don't ever let a man put you in that role. .

Someone always has to bring up the patriarchy and misogny. What a sad way to feel about other humans and especially your own family.

blubberyboo · 27/12/2022 17:43

@MysteryBelle

the uninvited Dad is the OPs dad

the birthday boy is OPs husbands, sisters husband. Her in- laws

the uninvited dad is not related to the birthday boy at all

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:43

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 17:41

It's a head spinner! 😂

He's OP's father. OP is married to a man who has a sister. It's her husband who is having the party.

It's there not U that OP's dad hasn't been invited. He and BIL are not immediate family.

Show quote history

Thank you, @Inkpotlover!!!

sianiboo · 27/12/2022 17:43

@diddl When my mother was complaining to me afterwards about how 'rude' all my husband's family had been to her (because they'd made it pretty clear that as she was a complete stranger to them, they weren't interested in talking about my father leaving her), I did point out that she hadn't actually been invited to the BBQ. That was her cue for a long rant along the lines of 'only in this fucking country to do you need a formal invite to a fucking BBQ, why are Brits so fucking rude and unfriendly' etc.

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:45

blubberyboo · 27/12/2022 17:43

@MysteryBelle

the uninvited Dad is the OPs dad

the birthday boy is OPs husbands, sisters husband. Her in- laws

the uninvited dad is not related to the birthday boy at all

Thank you @blubberyboo the light is beginning to dawn 😩

diddl · 27/12/2022 17:50

Because I was just 21, immature and stupid, still in thrall to my mother and feeling sorry for her because of my father leaving.

I wasn't sure if you thought it was OK for her to invite herself.

Perhaps there are occasions when it's OK to "tag along".

If the hosts knew she was staying with you then they could have invited her if they wanted to.

It might have gone OK if she had made an effort to just make general chat!

JocelynBurnell · 27/12/2022 17:55

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:28

The truth is best but your dh didn’t want to hurt your dad so his reaction makes sense. So it’s very easy to see why your dh didn’t want you to tell your dad the cold hard truth. It’s interesting that you did.

However, it seems to me that sil was cruel not inviting her husband’s father to his son’s big birthday (unless there’s a backstory and he didn’t want dad there) and giving excuse of not enough room. That is pathetic really. So, in this case the truth is best because the father and everyone else need to be aware of unkind sil. (Again, unless there’s a backstory).

Did you not read the thread, or oven the OP, before giving your opinion?

The OP's father is the birthday boy's wife's brother's wife's father.

sianiboo · 27/12/2022 17:55

@diddl I wasn't sure if you thought it was OK for her to invite herself.

Oh God no, I was bloody horrified! Too embarrassed to say 'no' as well, particularly in front of the in-laws, who I didn't have a brilliant relationship with anyway.

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 17:56

JocelynBurnell · 27/12/2022 17:55

Did you not read the thread, or oven the OP, before giving your opinion?

The OP's father is the birthday boy's wife's brother's wife's father.

Show quote history

Did you not read MysteryBelle's replies since where she's acknowledged she got confused before giving YOUR opinion? Goes all ways...

sianiboo · 27/12/2022 17:58

@diddl And yes, my in-laws (and the brother in law) knew my mother was staying with us, in advance. Husband's parents had made it pretty clear they were only expecting to give myself and husband a lift. My mother invited herself literally as we were walking out to their car, and she was sat in before anyone had had the chance to reply.

toffeeapple77 · 27/12/2022 17:58

You didn't do anything wrong per se but don't confuse not being a people pleaser and exerting 'boundaries' with being unnecessarily hard. Yes be up front and ask politely and be gracious about the no. But I don't see why you couldn't gloss the truth?
It seems like not being a so called people pleaser has left you feeling more wretched!

NumberTheory · 27/12/2022 17:59

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 17:41

Hold on. I know it’s op’s father. After that, all bets are off. I stick with my position that it was unkind for sil to not let op’s father attend the birthday celebration of...sil’s husband.

At what point is someone far enough removed from OP’s father that they aren’t obliged to invite him if he wants to go?

Should we all start adding him to our invite lists?

MysteryBelle · 27/12/2022 18:09

@NumberTheory and @JocelynBurnell, please be advised that those comments of mine were written before @Inkpotlover and others graciously explained to me who was related to who and who wasn’t 😀

Thank you again, @Inkpotlover !

cynicat · 27/12/2022 18:11

Your dad was rude to ask if he could come when he hadn't been invited. Is he quite a difficult character?

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 27/12/2022 18:12

OP, this is ridiculous.

Neither you nor your Dad should assume an invite to your BIL’s birthday. And you can’t tie yourself to Sunday lunches that can never be moved, or being responsible for every aspect of your Dad’s happiness.

To be honest I think it was cheeky to ask if your Dad was invited, though you are being fair about SIL’s response.

Just be breezy with your Dad, have a coffee with him in the morning, lunch on another day.

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