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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told Dad truth about not being invited?

216 replies

freckles20 · 27/12/2022 15:01

My BIL has a big birthday coming up. He is celebrating with a family meal this Sunday which is New Year's Day.

DH and I will be going along with DS (16). My dad is in his late 70s and I usually have him over every Sunday for a roast. As such, he would normally expect to be coming to us unless I let him know otherwise. He lives alone and feels lonely so I do what I can around work (only child).

We all get on well (well as far as I can tell anyway). We hosted everyone including inlaws and my Dad here on Christmas Day and everyone seemed to get on and have a nice day.

My BIL and SIL know I usually have Dad over on a Sunday and they have sometimes included him in their birthday celebrations before. They hadn't invited him specifically- but I wasn't sure whether they had assumed he would join us.

After much puzzling with DH over what to do I decided to take the bull by the horns and just ask my SIL outright. I sent a bright and breezy message which I hope made it clear that there was no expectation but I wasn't sure if my Dad was invited.

The reply came back with an apology but saying that they didn't have room for him.

So when I called Dad today for a chat I let him know that I wouldn't be able to have him over for dinner on Sunday. I said we will do something on a different day instead, and that I'll drive over in the morning on NYD and we can have a cuppa together.

Dad asked me outright why Sunday was off and I told him the truth that we were going to BIL's birthday lunch. Dad suggested that I asked them if he could come and again I told Dad the truth- that there wasn't room.

Here's the point of my AIBU- DH thinks I was wrong to tell Dad the truth. He thinks I've created an awkward situation, and I should have made something else up. He is usually really reasonable but he's really annoyed with me.

I am baffled. I have been working hard to be less of a people pleaser and to get some sensible boundaries in place- so I gave this situation plenty of thought and decided that the truth was the best way forward.

The way I see it:
I asked SIL as gently as I could if dad was able to come.

She had every right to say no. She didn't need to give a reason- but her reason was that there isn't enough room.

I let Dad know as soon as I could so as to manage his expectations wrt Sunday. I'll do what I can to make sure he's not alone on NYD.

When Dad asked me why he wasn't invited I told him the truth.

Maybe Dad will be quietly upset, or picking holes in SIL's reason but I have just passed on the truth. It is an unfortunate and awkward situation but I'm not sure what else I should have done differently.

I'd love some mumsnet wisdom in this one please!

OP posts:
Megifer · 27/12/2022 15:19

I'd do NYD with your Dad on the 2nd or go out somewhere with him as a little treat

Original poster
freckles20 · 27/12/2022 15:19

Megifer · 27/12/2022 15:15

Your DH is wrong. I'm a big fan of white lies when it spares someone's feelings but no point here. I imagine your DH is maybe wanting his SIL/BIL to not look 'heartless' in this situation?

Sounds like they have maybe deployed a white lie.... Find it a bit hard to believe there's no room tbh.

I agree. They party is in their home and they are pretty easygoing so I do think they could have squeezed one more in if they wanted to. I'd have hoped they wouldn't want to leave him out- but maybe I'm bound to think that as he's my Dad and I'm biased.

At the end of the day it is their decision. Maybe they just didn't want him there which of course is fair enough.

OP posts:
Chilloutt · 27/12/2022 15:19

Chilloutt · 27/12/2022 15:18

I don’t think the fault lies with any of you to be honest. However, although your SIL is is perfectly entitled to say no, your dad is only one extra person and if that was me, I would have suggested bringing him along with you esp if I knew he would be by himself otherwise.

It’s done now, and hopefully your FIL won’t be too upset by it.

Sorry I meant your dad, not FIL!

cantba · 27/12/2022 15:20

Your sil is a bitch.

saraclara · 27/12/2022 15:21

Viviennemary · 27/12/2022 15:18

It was mean to exclude him. And thats it. doesnt matter how he was told it was mean.

It really wasn't. He's no relation to the BIL whose birthday it is, and it's up to BIL who's invited and who they have room for.

It's a bit cheeky of OP's dad to ask to be invited, really. However well he might get on with them.

MamaFirst · 27/12/2022 15:21

It's unusual for your dad to have any relationship with your husbands sister and family to begin with, weirder still that your dad would expect to be invited and upset that he wasn't. They aren't his family. I don't see why you should be expected to lie for your SIL and I'd be pissed off at that being put on me. YANBU, your Dad and Husband are BU.

CiderJolly · 27/12/2022 15:22

I think I’d not go to the party and take your dad out instead. Surely they won’t miss one.

Also, I don’t think they’re being very kind really. It’s one more person- who cares if it’s all a bit squished?

FictionalCharacter · 27/12/2022 15:22

You did the right thing. And nobody so far has come up with a “white” lie that would make sense.

Megifer · 27/12/2022 15:22

Viviennemary · 27/12/2022 15:18

It was mean to exclude him. And thats it. doesnt matter how he was told it was mean.

Do agree with this. Fair enough on one hand he can invite who he wants but he's not 10, it wouldn't have done any harm to have your Dad there.

Cherryblossoms85 · 27/12/2022 15:24

Shame he'll be alone on NYD. Given how close you are, in that situation I would uninvite myself from BIL and have lunch with my dad on my own instead.

TrentCrimm · 27/12/2022 15:24

It might be that my brain is addled with Xmas cheese and Baileys, but I'm struggling to think of any reason that would be less offensive?

YoSofi · 27/12/2022 15:25

Yes it’s their party and they can invite who they want, but it’s mean of them.

They know your dad and have had him at family gatherings previously, if they know he is elderly and going to be alone on New Years Day it would have been kind of them to include him.

I would actually spend the day with my dad instead.

Nagado · 27/12/2022 15:25

I think your SiL was a bit unkind to exclude him. But I do think that you absolutely did the right thing telling him the truth. There are too many opportunities for him to find out about the party and that you lied to him. It’s far better for you to have been honest.

Megifer · 27/12/2022 15:26

Cherryblossoms85 · 27/12/2022 15:24

Shame he'll be alone on NYD. Given how close you are, in that situation I would uninvite myself from BIL and have lunch with my dad on my own instead.

Me too, out of principal (and be glad of the excuse to duck out of what is my own private hell 🤣🤣)

PeekAtYou · 27/12/2022 15:26

If you'd lied to save their blushes then you'd be the one who'f look bad when it's not your fault that your dad isn't invited. Best that he finds out from you than someone else too.

HowVeryLikeSibella · 27/12/2022 15:27

So BIL is expected to ask his wife's brother's wife's father to his birthday meal? Have I got that right?

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 27/12/2022 15:27

I don't think 'we're doing something else' would necessarily have been less hurtful - that suggests you yourselves have prioritised something above your DF. And it opens up a lie you have to maintain, as whatever you say you are doing, your DF might ask how it went and so on; and you'd have to avoid inadvertently mentioning what you actually did, because your DF would be more hurt at being lied to if you let it slip ...

Toomanybooks22 · 27/12/2022 15:28

Cherryblossoms85 · 27/12/2022 15:24

Shame he'll be alone on NYD. Given how close you are, in that situation I would uninvite myself from BIL and have lunch with my dad on my own instead.

I agree, I would do the same

Overthebow · 27/12/2022 15:28

I think you should have your dad round as usual and not go to SIL to be honest. You have a long standing invite that he comes to yours each Sunday. Fair enough the occasional plan that clashes on a normal weekend, but this is New Year’s Day so a bit mean really and kind of like he comes to yours unless you get a better invite.

Baconking · 27/12/2022 15:29

HowVeryLikeSibella · 27/12/2022 15:27

So BIL is expected to ask his wife's brother's wife's father to his birthday meal? Have I got that right?

Yes, and apparently by not doing so that makes his wife a mean bitch 🙄.

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 15:30

Your DH is being silly and you were right to be honest. If your dad found out you'd lied to him to spare his feelings he might have felt even worse and it could've caused unnecessary friction between you.

AliceOlive · 27/12/2022 15:31

Better to tell the truth, I think. Your father may be hurt he was not included, but then imagine if he found out you lied to him? That would feel 100X worse.

I think your DH needs to have faith in you, that you know how to manage your relationship with your father best.

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 15:31

Baconking · 27/12/2022 15:29

Yes, and apparently by not doing so that makes his wife a mean bitch 🙄.

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Says who? I can't see any comments from PP describing the SIL in that way. The general consensus is she could invite who she wanted.

TrentCrimm · 27/12/2022 15:32

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 15:31

Says who? I can't see any comments from PP describing the SIL in that way. The general consensus is she could invite who she wanted.

Show quote history

cantba · Today 15:20
Your sil is a bitch

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 15:32

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 15:31

Says who? I can't see any comments from PP describing the SIL in that way. The general consensus is she could invite who she wanted.

Show quote history

Scrap that, I've just seen one comment. Ridiculous.