AIBU to have told Dad truth about not being invited?

[freckles20]

My BIL has a big birthday coming up. He is celebrating with a family meal this Sunday which is New Year's Day.

DH and I will be going along with DS (16). My dad is in his late 70s and I usually have him over every Sunday for a roast. As such, he would normally expect to be coming to us unless I let him know otherwise. He lives alone and feels lonely so I do what I can around work (only child).

We all get on well (well as far as I can tell anyway). We hosted everyone including inlaws and my Dad here on Christmas Day and everyone seemed to get on and have a nice day.

My BIL and SIL know I usually have Dad over on a Sunday and they have sometimes included him in their birthday celebrations before. They hadn't invited him specifically- but I wasn't sure whether they had assumed he would join us.

After much puzzling with DH over what to do I decided to take the bull by the horns and just ask my SIL outright. I sent a bright and breezy message which I hope made it clear that there was no expectation but I wasn't sure if my Dad was invited.

The reply came back with an apology but saying that they didn't have room for him.

So when I called Dad today for a chat I let him know that I wouldn't be able to have him over for dinner on Sunday. I said we will do something on a different day instead, and that I'll drive over in the morning on NYD and we can have a cuppa together.

Dad asked me outright why Sunday was off and I told him the truth that we were going to BIL's birthday lunch. Dad suggested that I asked them if he could come and again I told Dad the truth- that there wasn't room.

Here's the point of my AIBU- DH thinks I was wrong to tell Dad the truth. He thinks I've created an awkward situation, and I should have made something else up. He is usually really reasonable but he's really annoyed with me.

I am baffled. I have been working hard to be less of a people pleaser and to get some sensible boundaries in place- so I gave this situation plenty of thought and decided that the truth was the best way forward.

The way I see it:
I asked SIL as gently as I could if dad was able to come.

She had every right to say no. She didn't need to give a reason- but her reason was that there isn't enough room.

I let Dad know as soon as I could so as to manage his expectations wrt Sunday. I'll do what I can to make sure he's not alone on NYD.

When Dad asked me why he wasn't invited I told him the truth.

Maybe Dad will be quietly upset, or picking holes in SIL's reason but I have just passed on the truth. It is an unfortunate and awkward situation but I'm not sure what else I should have done differently.

I'd love some mumsnet wisdom in this one please!

I think the only unreasonable people are your DH and DF OP. Your BIL and SIL have done nothing wrong by not inviting him, and better to tell your DF rather than tell a lie which could easily come out in the wash further down the line (especially if you hosted something in the future that all parties get invited to, which sounds plausible).

Your DF is a bit cheeky asking for an invite tbh though I sympathise with him being on his own on NYD. However, you have made plans to see him in the morning which is a perfectly reasonable compromise.

Sounds to me that you set a perfectly reasonable boundary for yourself there - you weren't going to try and tie yourself up in knots lying to your father to try and keep him, your DH, your SIL and the world and its dog happy.

It's pretty normal for people to try and push back against you setting boundaries, so being secure in what you have done is a great additional step and boundary of its own - the 'I told him the truth because I'm not going to lie about it and that's all there is to it'.

Tbh if I thought my DF would be hurt by not being invited , I would have made up a different excuse. It’s really not that hard. I’m really not that into this new culture of hurtful honesty. Why is it necessary to cause needless hurt feelings?

I have a different perspective. Imo your DH should have asked his sister not you. This would have completely put the ball in his court. He could have then decided not to ask her or tell a lie to your DF if he wanted to cover it up. As it stands you had to do all the organising and he wants to control what you say. I also think he is perhaps embarrassed however it's not acceptable to expect you to cover up.

I would have also told my DF the truth, I don't really see what the problem is here, everyone except you is getting a stress on for nothing!

@NeverDropYourMooncup thank you, that is really helpful. I think maybe that DH would have expected me to try to create a story which spared potentially upsetting my Dad, or his sister or BIL. But I don't want to be that person anymore.

I decided that I'd try not to fall into old habits and not to create a complicated lie when there really isn't any need for one, no one has done anything wrong, and it is down to each person to own their decisions and feelings.

Also, I just couldn't see any way around it which wasn't likely to backfire. We will all be together in 3 weeks, Dad will send BIL a birthday card, they occasionally communicate via WhatsApp and have mutual acquaintances- all of which might make it clear that for some reason I've covered things up .

Plus when I tried to see it all through a 'normal' non-people pleasing lense I realised that although it is maybe an awkward situation and an unfortunate clash of dates I don't think anyone has done anything wrong. In fact everyone has been straight and honest.

I took the bull by the horns and checked whether dad was invited (I've already explained why this might have been the case, he was certainly at BIL's last birthday meal).

SIL said no, and gave a sensible reason. I have no issue with this, and I'm glad she was able to be honest rather than give a begrudging 'yes'. It is BIL's celebration and he can have whoever he likes there and is certainly in no way expected to include my dad.

I let Dad know as soon as I could as I know he looks forward to a Sunday meal together- I wanted to manage his expectations and set up an alternative.

Dad asked me outright if I thought maybe he was invited. I can understand the question, as he has been included before. I told him the truth.

I thought I'd handled it ok but DH is upset that I've created an awkward situation.

I accept that I might have made SIL feel uncomfortable, dad may be feeling disappointed, and things would have been less complicated for me if he had been invited. But these seem like normal honest feelings from 3 people with different perspectives on the same situation all of which are understandable. But, at the end of the day it's BIL's celebration and his decisions and feelings should trump everyone else's.

We have had DH's SIL's parents over here before a few times, so I can understand the feeling that you are all extended family. It sounds like your dad and BIL have even more contact than that. As to say, it seems reasonable in that circumstance both to check if he can come and for them to say no, not this time (though perhaps BIL would have said yes and it's SIL saying no). There is no nice way to sugarcoat the no, however minor the snub he just isn't included. It's mainly sensitive because your dad is kicking about looking for entertainment for the day, so suggest a new year celebration on 2nd with him instead.

It's a bit unfair leaving him out isn't it? They should carry the guilt not you.

No, it isn't even slightly unfair. On no planet is there an obligation to invite your husbands brothers wifes dad to every event you have, and I imagine you actually know that.
There's no guilt here.

I believe in complete honesty. You can be polite about it and still be honest. If someone asks me a direct question, I will give them a straight answer. No omissions, no side stepping, I respect people enough to tell them the truth. If you come from a place of integrity you can't go too far wrong.

And how would you have explained when someone made a chance, yet revealing remark at the next family gathering? The hurt then would be greater because it would be compounded by a lie.

Yes true, if there was a chance he’d find out anyway then better to be honest. But it’s not like these people live in each others pockets, see each other all the time, I don’t see that it would be hard at all just not to mention it 🤷🏼‍♀️

You don’t want to be “that person” anymore? What the person who is sensitive to others feelings and takes care not to over share information that causes hurt to the people you love? Ok…
this isn’t about “people pleasing”, it’s about being mindful of the feelings of others. That is a valuable, pro social trait.
just think of an excuse that will be less hurtful to your dad and less awkward for family dynamics and tell him that.
this isn’t about whether anyone did anything “wrong” or which peoples feelings trump others- so immature.

Disagree. Can’t stand ‘little white lies’ because if it inevitably comes out, you just have people thinking ‘what was the point of lying?’
You can be sensitive to others without your go to be to automatically lie.

I’d rather hear the truth than not trust someone because I’ve discovered they lie, especially in this scenario when the truth is not that bad and easily discoverable

Well I do agree that if it were likely to come out, better to be honest upfront. Although in this situation I can’t see how it would be so difficult just not to mention it x

What other "explanation" would be less hurtful exactly than "not enough space"?