Unwanted gym membership gift from DH, AIBU to be angry?

[bazthecat123]

This Christmas, my DH gifted me a very expensive gym membership for 12 months. I am very fit and active, but simply have no time to go to the gym; DH knows this. Despite being considerably overweight himself, DH has been making pointed comments about my weight for some time (I have a BMI of 20). AIBU to be pissed off?

Awesome. Still has bugger all to do with OP's situation. She does not have 3 stone to lose as she is already on the low end of the "normal" BMI range. So no medical professional is going to tell her to lose weight and her partner is indeed a body shaming shitbag.

Blimey I've got a bmi of 34and I would still be really miffed at this- especially if it had been combined with comments and he was a chunky bugger himself

Perfect example of a gift used to manipulate and humiliate.
People can tell me all their want if he had 'good intentions'.
I have written a thread about if presents can be used as psychological warfare and majority voted it YABU.

Wonder what the same people would say about your 'gift'.

I am so sorry he made you feel shit OP.
YAdefinitelyNBU. It was a shitty gift with no regards to yourself.

OP and her husband seem to have total contempt for each other and each other's bodies. Do they even like each other? Fancy each other? Please understand that being single would be so much better for both of you than being in this toxic partnership. And DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM FFS.

(In a healthy relationship an expensive gym membership would be a nice present. But in a healthy relationship it wouldn't have any pass-agg body-shaming subtext.)

They are mildly neurodiverse, and I love them dearly. I think I'd know after 30 years if they were a 'shitbag'.

BMI of 20 is really very slim. My BMI is 21 and I am considered on the slimmer side so the OP is pretty tiny.

OP, I really would think twice about getting pregnant by this man - he will not be kind to you through the inevitable physical changes and will destroy your self esteem. How about a New Years resolution to dump a load of unnecessary flab in the form of your unpleasant husband - no gym membership required.

Jesus OP. Get back on contraception.

Then if you had kids, I assume you raised them to call their loved ones names and make nasty remarks about their bodies. Since that's what non-shitbags do. You're fudging the sex for some reason but if they're male, they're probably also what many women refer to as a "great dad".

Shitbags can stay partnered for a very long time. It's evidence of nothing.

He sounds delightful 🙄
Why do you want anything to do with him? Don’t have a child together

Well, the FIRST thing I'd do is to stop TTC. Sounds to me as if he may not be the best co-parenting material around. Parenting is chock full of 'opportunities' to make asinine or snotty remarks at exactly the wrong time. I wouldn't want to parent with someone who is prone to doing that.

Then I'd sit him down and look him right in the eye and calmly but directly say "My BMI is 21 and I weigh XX. Exactly why do you think I need to go to a gym?". The point being that hopefully confronting him without anger or hurt will lead to him either being embarrassed or backtracking. Then I'd tell him to see if he could get his money back. Where I live it is notoriously hard to get gyms to refund. Hopefully it's easier there.

DH and I have been thin and we've been fat, but never has either of us made snotty comments about the other's weight. It's not acceptable. As far as his own weight, if you want him to lose weight you need to stress the health risks associated with obesity. But I'd wait for another day to open that kettle of fish.

Go to the gym and say an error was made on the name and change the name to his he needs the gym you don’t.

I had an ex husband who signed me up for the gym and acted as my personal trainer when he made us exercise together - he was also a martial arts teacher and made me train but I didn't have talent (hated it) and he treated me very badly in class in front of everybody because as the teacher' wife I should be an example and role model - I should nail it as well as him. I had a perfect body BTW even before all the exercising.

His control spilled over my wardrobe, nail and hair style, the way I talked, the words I used. The amount of hours I slept and even the times I showered - it came to a point where he had to shower with me to make sure my hair and body was washed properly (that actually felt like caring a part that it had to be every damn day).

No need to say he was a dangerous narcissist. We had plans to have kids in 3 to 5 years time but he started pressuring me to have children sooner - as I didn't want to (and that was the 1st time I stood up to him) saying no way I am going to bring another human into this - if he was controlling me like that, God knows what he would do to a child - he lost interest in me completely, started going out with one of the martial arts students and dumped me. It took me many many years to recover.

Don't have children with him.

Dump him. This set up you have together is toxic as fuck.

LTB

As an aside, there's no such thing as "mildly" neurodiverse - it's a binary. Your partner is neurodiverse with low support needs.

For what it's worth, I'm autistic and ADHD with low-moderate support needs and I've never body shamed anyone in my life. From the tone of your writing, I'm guessing it didn't actually bother you, which makes it irrelevant to OP's experience because it does bother her.

@bazthecat123 If, as previous posters have mentioned, you have been unhappy in this relationship for a while, you are being extremely unreasonable in even thinking about having a child with this man, let alone not leaving him immediately. The gym membership is a red herring, what is the problem is that you are in a bad relationship and apparently you want to stay in it. Why?

I'd be 'non jokingly' prodding his face with my fist whilst telling him to pack his bags, shove his 'gift' up his arse and fuck off to the far end of fuck. And when he gets there, fuck off a bit more

Please don't have children with this idiot, he'll be telling your kids that they're fat

OP he sounds awful! Are you Siennakeera from TikTok?

Don't have children with him & ideally get away from him.

After having read your updates…
how do you think you’ll have time for children if you already don’t have time for yourself?
How do you not laugh on his face, pat his fat tummy, and say… lol - knows one to see one - looked in the mirror lately?
but mainly, why are you with him? You can still get out easily - no children yet.

I don't think it matters what size the OP is, you don't buy someone else a gym membership unless they've specifically told you they want one!

I’m another one who thinks there’s a lot more than the gym membership going on here.

When I was a child my older sister was married to a man who told her she was fat and bought her gifts of clothes that were too small for her (she was very slim but being tall, not a size 6). As her family that’s all we knew as its all we saw but it came out years later that he had been psychologically and sexually abusing her and their children from the start.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here, how would I know, but in my experience it takes a certain kind of hard wired cruelty to tell your wife she’s fat and give her a gym membership as a gift.

If he’s ‘enormous’ then why on earth is he calling you a tellytubby, poking your waistline and buying you a gym membership? Is he trying to make you feel shit so that he feels better or you don’t think you could leave him for someone more attractive? Genuinely baffled. Tell him to use the membership himself - he needs it more. I know you say you wouldn’t normally say a word about his weight but he needs telling straight because he’s trying to make out you are a tubby woman he can target and poke fun at. This is outrageous.

He is emotionally abusing you now. This is likely to increase if you become pregnant. There is also a real risk that it could become physically abusive as well (physical abuse often first starts in pregnancy)

You maybe starting 2023 with him, try not to end it with him.