To stop 9 year old eating all the time

[Pineapplestropical]

9 year old dd is overweight. She eats far too much and exercises too little. Started putting on weight in year 2 now in year 5 and kids have started to call her fat at school. Bloods been done all normal. No medical issue to explain why she should be eating too much. Constantly grazing and looking for meals. Yesterday example;

9am 2 scrambled eggs and 1 toast
1130 am Small bowl of rice
Orange
4pm Another small bowl of rice
6pm A small bowl of pasta bake
French francie
7pm; 2 thin slices of rolypoly cake.
9pm; a grilled cheese sandwich.

I know i shouldn't have the junk available. I do have 3 other kids all healthy. Find it a bit unfair that none of us can have treats Coz of her but maybe that's a sacrifice we have to make. She hates exercise, will do less than 2 minutes then sit down.

We did a timetable yesterday to say we need to stick to these times for eating (3 times with 2 snacks) she agreed and was happy with healthy ideas. Fast forward to today and she's gone downstairs by herself to make a grilled cheese sandwich again. She's definitely not hungry as had a good dinner of chicken soup and garlic bread. Im Losing it with her and have said you are getting overweight , you need to get healthier, im worried about ur health. Feel bad about this but i just can't stop her eating or get significant exercise out of her. She helps herself to food if i say no and im with the other kids. AIBU for pointing out she is overweight?

I started gaining weight around your daughters age (I appreciate you’ve mentioned this has been going on a bit longer). My mum was really stressed about it, I think because we were quite poor & it wasn’t easy to afford the extra food / clothes. My dad (parents divorced) was very overweight too which I think made her worry more. I was definitely fat shamed though I don’t think it was intentionally being nasty, but a few times I heard her almost apologetically explaining to people that I’d just ‘blown up’ overnight & that i was on a diet now. I think she was very ashamed to have a fat child & felt judged. My siblings were allowed treats on a day out & I wasn’t, that sort of thing. I was also not much of an exerciser, like your little girl.
i don’t think my mum understood nutrition much. I didn’t myself until I left school.
when I was around 11 I suddenly got tall & was much slimmer. But I still felt fat & I still felt shamed.
I have struggled with disordered eating all my life. I am fine now but I’ll never be ok with my looks. I’ve had plastic surgery. I’ve cycled through anorexia bulimia binge eating disorder & back again for over 20 years. I’m a healthy weight now but I’m not a healthy person, I’ve been on a diet since I was 9 & have never been overweight as an adult but mostly underweight. Most of my teeth have had work on them from acid erosion from constant vomiting & brushing & damage from constant eating throughout my 20s, it’s cost me thousands & I’m at the stage now almost every tooth is filled / root canal / removed in worse case.
I’m not scaremongering or suggesting this will be your daughter, this was just my experience.
I mean this with all kindness but the day of food you have listed isn’t super although you’ve mentioned it’s not typical but it does sound a bit carb dense & nutritionally void, please don’t feel judged but I think the best approach for your little girl is to get advice about a really good solid diet (without calling it a diet) and just make those changes, for the whole family. If health is your angle then everyone can benefit, not just the heavier child. It’s absolutely ok to vent here but please don’t ever make it her fault that the family can’t have treats & telling her off for being overweight isn’t helpful, she’ll just start to hide food & get secretive which builds shame. (Plus treats are treats & she should be allowed them in moderation). Of course you’re worried & you’re right to be, but you’re an adult & she’s a child with her whole life ahead of her to worry about this. I know you are coming from a good place but if she’s already getting shit off other kids at school she doesn’t need it from her mum, you are her safe place. With her being 9 instead of 13 it’s a great time for you to build the healthy habits with and for her, before she’s old enough to buy her own treats. I wish you all the luck, I know how worried you must be & what a difficult subject this is to navigate. I know it’s really hard to know what to do for the best, it’s worth mentioning that one of my siblings (different mum) is very obese where he was allowed entirely to eat whatever he liked & I do feel he is worse off that I ever have been, I’m thin & unhappy but he’s fat & unhappy & at the stage only weight loss surgery will turn things around. So you are so right that something needs to be done, but I urge you to proceed with kindness & a firm idea of what her nutritional needs are

You are her parent. Where are her proper meals (lunch?)?

Can you buy her a book for Christmas on something like bento boxes, and buy lots of the ingredients regularly and get involved in making up the cute nutritious snacks? Might be fun for both of you? Maybe start collecting fun little moulds, fun Japanese lunchboxes etc?. This stuff can be purchased cheaply on amazon or from your local Asian supermarket.
Once her diet is more nutritious, she’ll probably need less starchy carbs and more quality protein and raw veg.
would she enjoy one of those mini blender cup things (what’s it called again?) and some fruits in the freezer to make her own smoothies?
You do have to be careful as binge eating does sometimes occur with the onset of puberty and it can get out of hand, especially if it’s the impulsive behaviour that’s the issue rather than the food. From experience you don’t want to have a teen who flips from one impulsive habit to another , so it would be good to get to the root cause of the issue quickly to nip it in the bud. If she doesn’t respond to a change in diet then perhaps look for emotional triggers and do everything you can to deal with them at the earliest opportunity.

My 1 and 3 year old could eat that and more

And as for exercise, does she like anything like ice skating, just dance , trampolining? Exercise that’s disguised as fun?

I think it will be key that you don’t shake her or make her feel shame about this. Food and shame are a powerful combo and will lead to a cycle of eating that is tough to break.

I think having more snacking veggies with a healthy dip (Ike yogurt based ranch? Do y’all eat ranch dip out there? Or what have you). Carrot sticks and such are good for snacking, have fiber, and are fun to crunch!

Also getting her into meal prepping might be fun? She can help with meal prepping and you can plan food together. Give her some healthy options to choose from and she will feel in control.

Portion size is where most of us go wrong. It really is wild what a portion size really is when you measure it. Might be fun to get a scale and measure food while prepping as a fun “wow we are both learning!” Activity.

Evening walks each night together might be a really great idea. Don’t frame it as exercise for weight loss, but as a way to be healthy and bond with you. Evening walks with my family has led to lots of good conversation. Walks elevate mood as well!

if she gets into it as a positive experience for the entire family then you might consider getting her a gadget that will track her steps. It’s fun to set goals as a family and to encourage each other to get moving … everyone can join in! Also it’s a way to encourage if the day was a lazy one, and to help combat shame associated with a “bad day. “

I know this must be very difficult for you OP. A dr would be a good place to go to. But I do think making it a family affair and a positive fun experience will help you all.

Fact is treats are a fun thing to have, but as a family you need to reframe and rethink what a treat is going to look like for all of you. Once you’re able as a family to phase out junk you won’t want it anymore. Suddenly a good sliced apple with peanut butter will be freaking yummy!

Is this homemade food or all "ready meals"?
I can imagine that's full of sugar if the latter...

Give her proper meals! She hasn’t had any proper lunch. And chicken soup and garlic bread isn’t a “good dinner”. Read up about nutrition OP, give her decent meals, and then she won’t fill up on shit food. She’s doing that because she’s hungry and probably malnourished. Where’s the vegetables in all this? Oh and stop buying the shit food.

"I know i shouldn't have the junk available. I do have 3 other kids all healthy. Find it a bit unfair that none of us can have treats Coz of her"

This comment just breaks my heart... I hope you never ever say that in front of her.
Junk food is bad for you regardless of your weight anyway: high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes... to name a few.

I was an overweight child, and my parents often called me fat, sometimes shouting in frustration. I have very clear memories of it. It's caused years of secret eating and I have a very unhealthy relationship with food.

My brother was also skinny and active but I hated exercise. Still do, it doesn't come naturally to me.

I was 24 before I sorted it out and lost the weight, which I have mainly kept off- I have a job I absolutely love but requires a fitness test - but I still struggle around "treats" as these were forbidden and I binge them in secret. You'll find me on the weightloss threads on here.

My parents were doing their best and trying to help me as a child, and I don't blame them at all, but please don't tell your child she's fat or shout at her if you have, that's caused a lifetime of problems for me.

OP you’d be far better to have this thread deleted and start a new one. If you’d said “my DD is overweight, help me meal plan for her/the family and talk about being healthy in the right way”, you’d have got some brilliant advice. As it is, you’ve made unpleasant comments directed at a child and are getting responses (from me and others) calling you out on it and your role in all of this.

Oh.. that's what we had today.

Why is it shit?

I agree with @Dulcetto
Start another thread.

I'm sorry if my post grated with you. With hindsight, I think you're coming from a dark place.

The lack of exercise is a red herring.

My 9yo nice does the bare minimum, basically school PE and is a bean pole.

Because she eats to her appetite.

Bulk. Shit.

A leek and potato soup can easily be 300 cals, especially if you're making it with cream and a couple of slices of bread with butter can too that by another 300.

Nothing wrong with a 600 cal meal for a 9yo that had fats, carbs, veg and protein in it.

They're supposed to have around 1800 a day.

3 healthy meals a day, 2 healthy snacks. No screens. Minimum 30 minutes a day exercise in the open air (bike ride, trampoline, football, park etc). Don’t keep crap in the cupboards.

So that’s your response? To say that you can add tons of fat and oil to some other soup the OPs DD did not eat to boost the calories?

How is that soup a “nutritious meal” at all then? Potatoes, leeks, cream, bread and butter. Carbs, one veg, dairy fat, served with a side of carbs and oil. Zero protein. Very little fibre. Not enough vitamins from veg.

It’s just homemade junk food at that point.

Thanks for all your replies even the nasty ones. Im glad people have told me it's my fault so i can actually take responsibility for changing this rather than put the emphasis on her to control herself with her eating. It's just very hard when the others are full on the meals I give them (usually more balanced than the ones mentioned) and she's not. Will definitely take on board suggestions here. And for the record, i apologised to her before bed and reassured her that we are all going to get healthy together.

My DS had (has?) a few issues with his weight. Loves junk food. Eats because he's bored. Has two greedy parents. I exercise quite a lot but his dad doesn't, so he's really quite big.

Talking to him didn't help, he knew the link between food and weight obviously, but didn't care enough at the precise moment he wanted a snack.

What has helped is giving him protein to snack on. And he knows past a certain time (eg an hour or two before bed) he can only have an apple or carrot or cucumber etc.

A grilled cheese sandwich at 9pm is not great. I understand what you're saying about timings being off in the holidays but mine cope better with a structured 3 meal a day still. If I let him pick all day with no real meal times, he'd literally eat all day long.

It's one fucking meal in 21 you have in a week.

Not every bloody bite of food has to be fully nutritious and balanced.

i apologised to her before bed and reassured her that we are all going to get healthy together

Good move.

You’ve taken it on the chin OP. Everyday is an opportunity for a fresh start, good luck 👍

Then why are you all over me like a bad rash over my response to the poster that said:
What's wrong with a nutritious meal of homemade soup?

You said my response about a nutritious chicken soup being more suited to a light lunch than a dinner for a pubescent child was bullshit?

And the reason why my rejoined was BS was because you could make a horribly not nutritious potato and leek soup by adding fat, oil and yet more carbs to the meal? How does your comment even make sense in the context of a nutritious soup?

It doesn’t. At all. Not one fucking bit.

This isn’t a lot. Your poor DD you don’t sound very kind to her at all

controversial, this, but you’ve got to get her to enjoy or at any rate tolerate exercise before she gets to the age of bunking it cos periods.

MovIng is what keeps people fit as adults if we love our food - try lots of types out. Lots of sports, not foods. One will hit the spot.