Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to change unborn babies name - AIBU

277 replies

CanadianInBritain · 12/12/2022 15:36

38 weeks pregnant so am very possibly being unreasonable here but here goes nothing.

Pregnant with first baby, DH and I have been set on our names for years, a couple of months ago he made a slight musing about not being as confident with our name choice, I brushed it off as he was having other baby related worries at the time and his reasoning was a bit weak (5 people started at his work with the name and he was hearing it a lot, and decided he didn’t like it anymore)

Wasnt mentioned again until this morning, when he has pretty much said he is now 100% not happy with the name picked out and wants to go back to the drawing board.

Issue is, we have been quite open with the name since finding out the sex of our child, I come from a family of crafters who have been keen to know the name for a while so they can get embroidering, so now we have family and friends who have spent time making things for her with a name she might no longer have!!

I have said it’s a bit too late to change course now, if he had an issue he should have more strongly voiced it a few months ago or 5 years ago when we set our hearts on this name.

He has accused me of not taking his opinion into account, and tbh I can’t blame him as that’s exactly what’s happening here (not that I’d admit that outside of MN)

So wise people of MN who is unreasonable here.

YABU - although annoying he does have to be happy with the name too

YANBU - it’s too late to change now, he will need to suck it up

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 12/12/2022 18:10

TheBirdintheCave · 12/12/2022 17:21

Isn't that more to do with how you feel about the name itself though? Like, once the child arrives you realise you don't actually like it enough to use it on a human? That I could understand.

Show quote history

It could be that!

But either way, I guess the point still stands that you might think you're set on a name but one baby arrives you change your mind.

That's why it's risky getting anything personalised this early on.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 18:10

HeadNorth · 12/12/2022 18:00

OP, I think you made a tactical mistake mentioning the crafting. Most posters seem fixated on it and determined it should not be used in considering the final name choice.

I think if you had just said you are 38 weeks pregnant and still love your joint name choice you may have had a more sympathetic hearing.

For it is worth, I am team Emilia. You both loved the name for years, your DH sounds like he is flaking a bit. Tell him he can choose the middle name.

I thought a little common sense would be had but alas you are correct, some posters genuinely think the only reason for not wanting to change the name is due to the embroidery.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 18:12

Thanks for the input everyone - fully get IABU

Now off to steam open all my Christmas cards and cross out the babies name Xmas Biscuit Giving myself the biscuit for sheer stupidity!

shinynewapple22 · 12/12/2022 18:13

A mistake to share the name really - I think it's quite common to have a few names you fancy but when the baby is born the planned names just don't seem to fit and people go with a different name completely.

HeleneLagonelle · 12/12/2022 18:13

Mynoodlesareoodles · 12/12/2022 16:20

I can't understand changing a name you've agreed on because there's one in accounts, one in HR, one on the shop floor... These colleagues aren't going to be in DH's life forever. If they all resigned next week, could you have your name back?

I assume it’s because they’ll have left the OP’s husband with a collective sense of ‘a whole horde of Jameses’, and individual memories of irritating James in Accounts, James the work experience kid whose mother came in to complain he was being overworked, James who always moaned in meetings, James who got into a fight with the CEO at the staff Christmas party etc etc.

You're being unreasonable, OP. You jumping the gun and your crafty family getting going on hand carved cradle insignias and Baby Name patchwork quilts the moment you weed on a stick are no reason for you to compel your husband into giving your child a name he doesn’t like.

Back to the drawing board. You both need to agree.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 12/12/2022 18:15

Omg what!? It’s not just my baby, fuck why didn’t NCT cover that bombshell

Clearly you don't realise a babies name is both parents decision, Otherwise there wouldn't be a thread like this 😉

VegangeIistings · 12/12/2022 18:16

The crafters are an unfortunate side-issue and imo don't come into it.

However, I do think that he agreed the name, you've had your heart set on it for years, and it's not on to suddenly change his mind now the baby is practically here.
I get it - I had the names for my kids picked out for decades before they were here, and their father agreed to their names when we got serious. If he'd have changed his mind at the last minute, I'd be really angry.

I'd love to know what the name is that he has so many colleagues with the same name. Sarah?!

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 12/12/2022 18:16

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 18:10

I thought a little common sense would be had but alas you are correct, some posters genuinely think the only reason for not wanting to change the name is due to the embroidery.

Show quote history

Bit harsh op!

Your opening post literally says

Issue is, we have been quite open with the name since finding out the sex of our child, I come from a family of crafters who have been keen to know the name for a while so they can get embroidering, so now we have family and friends who have spent time making things for her with a name she might no longer have!!

Sorry for not having the common sense to realise the issue you said you had was not in fact the issue you actually had. How very stupid of me 🙄

Of course with a little more common sense yourself you could have not name changed during the thread making it harder for later posters to have read all your posts...

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 12/12/2022 18:17

YABVU. The baby is potentially four weeks away, of course it’s not too late. Sticking to a name you “choose” five years ago seems like childish fantasies, not equal decision making.

Itsabitnotcold · 12/12/2022 18:20

Irrelevant of other people. DH and I had a girls name chosen for years before we tried for a baby, and I had chosen that name years before I met him. We ended up having a DS. But if we'd had a girl and he'd decided he didn't like the name after all it would be a big fat tough shit. That was (and will still be if I ever have a daughter) my daughters name and I would not be changing it.

Although I chose DSs name while I was pregnant and DH didn't like it. Although part of my side was that he didn't offer a single alternative, not even one I didn't like, he couldn't suggest a single name he liked. He agreed the moment DS was born but I'd have very much kept the name.

I don't know if others felt the same but it wasn't about a name I liked, it was his name, my son was called this name, I just felt it.

Confusion101 · 12/12/2022 18:20

As a teacher I understand where your DH is coming from and how someone can ruin a name. His reason isn't weak. He has heard the name being used and no longer likes it. Perfectly good reason?

All I would say is chances of him giving you your way after you go through birth are high so you could let him think he can change it for the moment and hope he gives in later.

But imo his reason far outweigh your reason! Keep the personalised things, more than likely blankets which can still be used, and use it as a funny stortm

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 18:22

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 12/12/2022 18:16

Bit harsh op!

Your opening post literally says

Issue is, we have been quite open with the name since finding out the sex of our child, I come from a family of crafters who have been keen to know the name for a while so they can get embroidering, so now we have family and friends who have spent time making things for her with a name she might no longer have!!

Sorry for not having the common sense to realise the issue you said you had was not in fact the issue you actually had. How very stupid of me 🙄

Of course with a little more common sense yourself you could have not name changed during the thread making it harder for later posters to have read all your posts...

Show quote history

But why would I also be happy to change the name but only not want to do so due to the crafters?

That’s what’s wild here, you actually thought one parent doesn’t like the name, the other isn’t fussed but is only staying strong due to crafters?

So strange, didn’t think it needed to be spelled out I like the name

Minimalme · 12/12/2022 18:22

I went off a perfectly lovely name when pregnant with ds2.

We ended up calling baby a name which dh had refused for ds1 and told me he absolutely hated, roughly two weeks before ds2 arrived.

He then agreed the name but shortly after we announced baby's birth decided he wasn't sure again (at which point I told him to get a grip)..

Ds2 is 12 now and his name is awesome - it is totally perfect for him.

Wrongsideofpennines · 12/12/2022 18:24

You need to change the name. If your husband doesn't like it then he gets much more of a say than anyone else. He did try and tell you earlier but you admit yourself that you dismissed it. And it's absolutely OK to change your mind in 5 years, particularly as trends change.

Also why did people need to know the name of the baby before they are even here? Why can't they leave a gap for a name to be completed when they arrive and you announce the name - we had several people do that for us with blankets and cross stitch things.
Even if you have had NIPT as well as a scan there is still a chance the baby could be a boy.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 12/12/2022 18:25

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 18:22

But why would I also be happy to change the name but only not want to do so due to the crafters?

That’s what’s wild here, you actually thought one parent doesn’t like the name, the other isn’t fussed but is only staying strong due to crafters?

So strange, didn’t think it needed to be spelled out I like the name

Show quote history

Yep I can totally see how you end up being the type.of person who thinks it's okay that their DH doesn't have a say in naming their own baby

bakewellbride · 12/12/2022 18:26

Yabvu and scans aren't even 100% accurate for finding out the sex so don't forget to have a back up boy name!

RumiGibran · 12/12/2022 18:26

If it helps- I feel your pain. My youngest daughter had the most beautiful name for 2 weeks - and a few days before registering her name DH attended a family BBQ (without me as I wanted to stay back with a newborn). At the event ‘apparently’ nobody could pronounce her name correctly. He came back adamant we change it to the 2nd option. I was sure it was his mom who never really liked the name (and liked the 2nd option). So I made sure we chose the 3rd option. Still irks me when I think about it- so I try not to.

IneedanewTV · 12/12/2022 18:28

yabu. This is why people don’t announce the name beforehand.
I’ve had friends change the name after baby was born and before it was registered. So we all sent cards and gifts for Natalie (not real name) and then baby was called Tabatha. It’s life. In one case the mum said the baby did not look like a Natalie. In another case mum didn’t like the abbreviations that suddenly were being used.

Scottishskifun · 12/12/2022 18:37

Find the middle ground of having a shortlist of 3 names. When baby comes see which one fits best. TBH many men after watching childbirth will give his wife choosing rights!
Get him to pick a name which you don't completely veto, a 3rd you both choose and keep your name on the list.

For what it's worth I was completely set on ds1 being one name and actually when he came I didnt think he would suit it so he was named another off the shortlist.

IneedanewTV · 12/12/2022 18:40

Itsabitnotcold · 12/12/2022 18:20

Irrelevant of other people. DH and I had a girls name chosen for years before we tried for a baby, and I had chosen that name years before I met him. We ended up having a DS. But if we'd had a girl and he'd decided he didn't like the name after all it would be a big fat tough shit. That was (and will still be if I ever have a daughter) my daughters name and I would not be changing it.

Although I chose DSs name while I was pregnant and DH didn't like it. Although part of my side was that he didn't offer a single alternative, not even one I didn't like, he couldn't suggest a single name he liked. He agreed the moment DS was born but I'd have very much kept the name.

I don't know if others felt the same but it wasn't about a name I liked, it was his name, my son was called this name, I just felt it.

I feel sorry for your husband - doesn’t even get a say in his child’s name. Dreadful.

BaileySharp · 12/12/2022 18:43

Lots of others with same name would put me off too tbh. 38 weeks isn't too late but I do get it makes life difficult for the crofters! Best tell them ASAP the name might change...

ExhaustedFlamingo · 12/12/2022 18:43

Hey OP,

I actually was in sort of a similar position to you re the crafting.

My twins arrived bloody early (cheers swine flu!) and I wasn't really prepared for their names. I'd sort of decided on the girl's name but only had a very vague idea for the boy.

They were downstairs in SCBU and the night they were born I was frantically swiping through the baby names web sites on my phone. A friend had asked me what their names were and I'd said that I was possibly going to call them X and Y.

They rocked up at the hospital the following day with two beautiful cribs made from card and paper, embossed with the two names I'd told them. I felt too guilty to change the names after that gift!! Ridiculous as it may seem to some, I just couldn't do it. And I did quite like the names, I just wasn't 100% and I hadn't had time to have a proper scout around.

13 years on I love the name and I'm glad I stuck with it. But the reasons for doing so were very iffy, and left to my own devices I probably would have switched to a different name.

What can I say? I love crafting myself and felt guilty about the time spent 😅

Also, I didn't have time to spend with the babies to really get a feel for the name like so many mums seem to say. They were in incubators with wires covering them from head to toe, and the nurses were too busy to get the babies out for a 10 minute cuddle on my chest (the machines they were hooked up to meant that it took quite a lot of work to get them out for a quick snuggle).

Also worth mentioning that I split up with my ex when I was 8 wks pregnant so there was no one else to help decide the names.

Anyway. I've never regretted it even if the reason I stuck with the name was a bit bonkers.

(As an aside, I actually fell out with the friend a couple of months later and have never spoken to them again!)

On a practical note, could your DH be persuaded to keep Emilia as the first name and to pick a second name that he could use as a cute, personal nickname for your baby? You both win then....and the crafters are happy too 😂

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 18:44

Wrongsideofpennines · 12/12/2022 18:24

You need to change the name. If your husband doesn't like it then he gets much more of a say than anyone else. He did try and tell you earlier but you admit yourself that you dismissed it. And it's absolutely OK to change your mind in 5 years, particularly as trends change.

Also why did people need to know the name of the baby before they are even here? Why can't they leave a gap for a name to be completed when they arrive and you announce the name - we had several people do that for us with blankets and cross stitch things.
Even if you have had NIPT as well as a scan there is still a chance the baby could be a boy.

It’s not a case of deciding 5 years ago and nothing since, also after NIPT and 12 scans all saying girl I think we can be pretty sure - unless baby has an inverted penis and there was an issue with their DNA!

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 18:47

ExhaustedFlamingo · 12/12/2022 18:43

Hey OP,

I actually was in sort of a similar position to you re the crafting.

My twins arrived bloody early (cheers swine flu!) and I wasn't really prepared for their names. I'd sort of decided on the girl's name but only had a very vague idea for the boy.

They were downstairs in SCBU and the night they were born I was frantically swiping through the baby names web sites on my phone. A friend had asked me what their names were and I'd said that I was possibly going to call them X and Y.

They rocked up at the hospital the following day with two beautiful cribs made from card and paper, embossed with the two names I'd told them. I felt too guilty to change the names after that gift!! Ridiculous as it may seem to some, I just couldn't do it. And I did quite like the names, I just wasn't 100% and I hadn't had time to have a proper scout around.

13 years on I love the name and I'm glad I stuck with it. But the reasons for doing so were very iffy, and left to my own devices I probably would have switched to a different name.

What can I say? I love crafting myself and felt guilty about the time spent 😅

Also, I didn't have time to spend with the babies to really get a feel for the name like so many mums seem to say. They were in incubators with wires covering them from head to toe, and the nurses were too busy to get the babies out for a 10 minute cuddle on my chest (the machines they were hooked up to meant that it took quite a lot of work to get them out for a quick snuggle).

Also worth mentioning that I split up with my ex when I was 8 wks pregnant so there was no one else to help decide the names.

Anyway. I've never regretted it even if the reason I stuck with the name was a bit bonkers.

(As an aside, I actually fell out with the friend a couple of months later and have never spoken to them again!)

On a practical note, could your DH be persuaded to keep Emilia as the first name and to pick a second name that he could use as a cute, personal nickname for your baby? You both win then....and the crafters are happy too 😂

I’m glad you still love the names!

DH has already chosen the middle name so unfortunately that bargaining chip is off the table - and for me to put that up for debate now would just be me being a petty bitch (although depending on what new shit names he comes up with tonight I might go there)

teezletangler · 12/12/2022 18:48

I think it's sad that so much is shared before a birth nowadays. There used to be a level of excitement to find out what sex a baby was after birth, then the name was another surprise.

Agree. I know it sounds daft but when people have already shared the sex and name before the birth, I find I don't even care when the baby is born. A newborn is inherently fairly uninteresting, it's the surprises that are the fun part of a new baby.

OP sorry but you need to change the name. It would be awful to give your child a name one of you doesn't like for the sake of a few personalised blankets.