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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to change unborn babies name - AIBU

277 replies

CanadianInBritain · 12/12/2022 15:36

38 weeks pregnant so am very possibly being unreasonable here but here goes nothing.

Pregnant with first baby, DH and I have been set on our names for years, a couple of months ago he made a slight musing about not being as confident with our name choice, I brushed it off as he was having other baby related worries at the time and his reasoning was a bit weak (5 people started at his work with the name and he was hearing it a lot, and decided he didn’t like it anymore)

Wasnt mentioned again until this morning, when he has pretty much said he is now 100% not happy with the name picked out and wants to go back to the drawing board.

Issue is, we have been quite open with the name since finding out the sex of our child, I come from a family of crafters who have been keen to know the name for a while so they can get embroidering, so now we have family and friends who have spent time making things for her with a name she might no longer have!!

I have said it’s a bit too late to change course now, if he had an issue he should have more strongly voiced it a few months ago or 5 years ago when we set our hearts on this name.

He has accused me of not taking his opinion into account, and tbh I can’t blame him as that’s exactly what’s happening here (not that I’d admit that outside of MN)

So wise people of MN who is unreasonable here.

YABU - although annoying he does have to be happy with the name too

YANBU - it’s too late to change now, he will need to suck it up

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 12/12/2022 18:48

As long as the baby isn’t born, the name can still change. Choosing it 5 years ago doesn’t count. Agreeing it when you have the baby in your arms is what counts. For husband and for crafters alike.

Wam90 · 12/12/2022 18:51

I was certain we weren’t going to call our baby the name that we ended up giving him because I hated it when my husband said it. He didn’t look like any other name would suit him though.
I don’t understand how people can name babies before they see what they look like 🤔.
Sorry but I think YABU

Fundays12 · 12/12/2022 18:52

zhivagodr · 12/12/2022 15:40

YABVU

the fact he has several colleagues at work with the same name is reason enough to change the name imo

Sorry op.

I would change an unborn babies name for this reason

Tulipomania · 12/12/2022 18:53

DS has a silver spoon engraved with the wrong initials which was given to him at birth. We learned then never to tell anyone beforehand what name we were considering.

SantaOnFanta · 12/12/2022 18:53

So a piece of cross stitch is more important than your husband's point of view? The cross stitch can be unpicked! You are being very unreasonable and childish.

Tempyname · 12/12/2022 18:53

Surely you want a name that DH also likes? I can appreciate it is frustrating and you are not going to get the name you wanted now - but it really should be something you both are happy with, irrespective of when the issue arises. A temporary crafting issue isn’t really comparable to a lifetime of never really liking the name your child is called.

Wrongsideofpennines · 12/12/2022 18:54

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 18:44

It’s not a case of deciding 5 years ago and nothing since, also after NIPT and 12 scans all saying girl I think we can be pretty sure - unless baby has an inverted penis and there was an issue with their DNA!

Show quote history

Apologies for not reading the full thread - assuming you are the original poster with a name change as I did check for OP's replies. Your original post didn't share that you had 12 scans for gender. They usually only tell you at 20 weeks unless all the others have been private and you asked them to check. I had 11 scans last time and they said they wouldn't be able to tell me other than at 20 weeks as they weren't looking for that.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 12/12/2022 18:57

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 18:47

I’m glad you still love the names!

DH has already chosen the middle name so unfortunately that bargaining chip is off the table - and for me to put that up for debate now would just be me being a petty bitch (although depending on what new shit names he comes up with tonight I might go there)

Show quote history

Well, in that case you can stick with your chosen name then! If he picked the middle name, you get to pick the first name - that's fair I reckon 😊

Te(e)gan always reminds me of the Walking Dead - even though the name in there is actually Negan!

TrashyPanda · 12/12/2022 18:57

He doesn’t like the name anymore.

you both have to agree on a new name

handmade gifts are irrelevant. They certainly aren’t more important than your husband

DarkDarkNight · 12/12/2022 18:58

I wouldn’t call my baby the same name as a colleague, I would be worried they work would think it’s because of them.

He is allowed to change his mind. I would never reveal a name before a baby is born, it’s asking for trouble.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 12/12/2022 18:59

ExhaustedFlamingo · 12/12/2022 18:57

Well, in that case you can stick with your chosen name then! If he picked the middle name, you get to pick the first name - that's fair I reckon 😊

Te(e)gan always reminds me of the Walking Dead - even though the name in there is actually Negan!

Show quote history

Or......he gives up the middle name and you switch it to Emilia. You can then use the middle name as your cute nickname for her (plus the crafting gifts aren't a waste).

He can't get to have the final say over both names.

I know I'm in the minority here OP but I would absolutely dig my heels in so hard they'd be practically taking root.

Craftybodger · 12/12/2022 19:01

I think he should have spoken earlier but his opinion is very important. Forget the crafters, things can be unpick/painted over. How do you feel about her name?

PurpleButterflyWings · 12/12/2022 19:01

BIWI · 12/12/2022 15:38

This is why you should never share a name until the baby is actually born! I think YABU taking into account the needs of other people rather than your husband.

The first post after the OP nailed it!

@CanadianInBritain YABVU. Never EVER share a baby's name til they are born!

Proudofitbabe · 12/12/2022 19:01

No, you can't force your husband to accept he name he doesn't want for his child just because someone embroidered it onto something! Firm up the name when baby is here. If it annoys someone who isn't the parent then it's just hard cheese.

I do think you should get a proper say in the middle name though! Especially if the child is having HIS surname.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 19:19

SantaOnFanta · 12/12/2022 18:53

So a piece of cross stitch is more important than your husband's point of view? The cross stitch can be unpicked! You are being very unreasonable and childish.

No but my point of view is more important to me…

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 19:21

Craftybodger · 12/12/2022 19:01

I think he should have spoken earlier but his opinion is very important. Forget the crafters, things can be unpick/painted over. How do you feel about her name?

How I feel? It’s the only name I’ve ever wanted and I genuinely can’t think of any other I like as much.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 19:24

Wrongsideofpennines · 12/12/2022 18:54

Apologies for not reading the full thread - assuming you are the original poster with a name change as I did check for OP's replies. Your original post didn't share that you had 12 scans for gender. They usually only tell you at 20 weeks unless all the others have been private and you asked them to check. I had 11 scans last time and they said they wouldn't be able to tell me other than at 20 weeks as they weren't looking for that.

Show quote history

Not sure why I’d need to include it in the original post tbh.

8 have been NHS (7 of which done after 20 weeks) and the rest private.

All bar the few before 16 weeks have confirmed girl, as did the NIPT done at 10 weeks. She seems to be a flasher legs open at every scan!

Craftybodger · 12/12/2022 19:29

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 19:21

How I feel? It’s the only name I’ve ever wanted and I genuinely can’t think of any other I like as much.

Show quote history

Ooh, that makes it so much harder. A calm conversation is needed. The crafters still are irrelevant. Is there a variation that honours the original but differentiates from the colleagues?

Itsabitnotcold · 12/12/2022 19:34

IneedanewTV · 12/12/2022 18:40

I feel sorry for your husband - doesn’t even get a say in his child’s name. Dreadful.

Show quote history

Except for he agreed with the girls name and refused to suggest a boys name? I went through name books for months suggested loads of lovely names. He said no to every single one. Refused to suggest a single name himself. So I chose a name myself. Quite in line with how he then made me care for the baby alone after an emergency c section and threatened to kill me or take my baby away when I begged for help. Poor him 😢

PurpleFlower1983 · 12/12/2022 19:45

YABVU, the crafters will sell their stuff to someone else, it can’t be unusual if 5 people with the name work with your DH.

Emotionalsupportviper · 12/12/2022 19:46

BIWI · 12/12/2022 15:38

This is why you should never share a name until the baby is actually born! I think YABU taking into account the needs of other people rather than your husband.

This!

Without the lovingly crafted personalised gifts, there would be no problem.

I sympathise with your husband. When I was first pregnant we chose names for a boy and a girl. The girl's name was one that a friend of mine in primary school had. She was my best friend from 5 to 11 when her family moved to another part of the country and we lost touch. I still loved the name because she was such a lovely girl.

I had my baby - a boy, and fully intended to keep the name for any daughter I may have in the future . . . BUT, the ward sister in the hospital was an absolute BITCH (she is the only person in the NHS I have ever met who has been just horrible! And guess what her name was?

Yep! Got it in one. When I had my girl, three years later, that was the last name in my mind.

whynotwhatknot · 12/12/2022 19:49

sorry i dont think you trump him because youve liked the name forever-someone hears it alot then goes off it is perfectly reasonable

maybe the emilias at work all annoying or something

Sartre · 12/12/2022 19:51

He doesn’t like the name and he made this clear a couple of months ago so it isn’t new. I wouldn’t want to call my DC the same name as multiple colleagues either so I get it.

Katela18 · 12/12/2022 19:58

Definitely YABU.

I get it's annoying since you've had your heart set on it but he has to love the name too.

As others have said, this is why you don't share the name, regardless of how 'keen' people are to know! They need to wait. When I had my first I changed my mind on the name we had agreed on for a boy as I was being wheeled into the operating theatre. If you family have started crafting it's tough, unfortunately. Your husband is more important here.

beachcomber70 · 12/12/2022 20:05

Are you always this inflexible/rigid? Life is going to be very difficult if you can't see your DH's point of view on important issues and can't adjust and adapt to situations, whether you like them or not. Best to learn to compromise and communicate because life changes constantly.

Do you really want your DH to have a child whose name he dislikes [for whatever reason] now? It's his child too. I can see his point of view. The crafters have moved too soon, that's on them. Let them unpick and start again. The baby isn't here yet.

How many names are there in the world? Thousands upon thousands. Who wants to choose a name that numerous other people they know have already chosen for their child anyway. Some beautiful names out there.

One of my sons has a common name that wasn't too common at the time. i wish now that I'd chosen something more individual for him. So what one thinks is right at the time often turns out not to be anyway.