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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to change unborn babies name - AIBU

277 replies

CanadianInBritain · 12/12/2022 15:36

38 weeks pregnant so am very possibly being unreasonable here but here goes nothing.

Pregnant with first baby, DH and I have been set on our names for years, a couple of months ago he made a slight musing about not being as confident with our name choice, I brushed it off as he was having other baby related worries at the time and his reasoning was a bit weak (5 people started at his work with the name and he was hearing it a lot, and decided he didn’t like it anymore)

Wasnt mentioned again until this morning, when he has pretty much said he is now 100% not happy with the name picked out and wants to go back to the drawing board.

Issue is, we have been quite open with the name since finding out the sex of our child, I come from a family of crafters who have been keen to know the name for a while so they can get embroidering, so now we have family and friends who have spent time making things for her with a name she might no longer have!!

I have said it’s a bit too late to change course now, if he had an issue he should have more strongly voiced it a few months ago or 5 years ago when we set our hearts on this name.

He has accused me of not taking his opinion into account, and tbh I can’t blame him as that’s exactly what’s happening here (not that I’d admit that outside of MN)

So wise people of MN who is unreasonable here.

YABU - although annoying he does have to be happy with the name too

YANBU - it’s too late to change now, he will need to suck it up

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 12/12/2022 17:22

Unfortunately YABU as your DH really needs to be behind the baby name. It must be very very hard for you though if that IS your baby's name and has been for so long. The crafters don't matter but I think it does matter that you've agreed on the name for so long and baby is nearly here.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 17:22

RumiGibran · 12/12/2022 17:20

When would have been a good time for him to say he wasn't comfortable with the name? You say he mentioned it months ago - but you were both also pre-occupied with pregnancy issues. Seems like he respected that as other issues were more important at that time. The problem with keeping a name is that there is rarely a tangible reason to dislike or like a name. You either like it or you don't so can be a very tricky process. Best of luck for your delivery and new family! (YABU)

Honestly? His death bed!

He has a name version of ‘the ick’ so I know I will need to adapt, but it sucks.

cherriegarcia · 12/12/2022 17:23

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:26

Of course not, but it’s also the only name I like so forgive me for putting myself above him (I know that’s also unreasonable but still)

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Well yeah it is unreasonable. You're not above him. This is your child and also his, equally.

How would you feel if he steamed ahead with a name you disliked? You can't do it.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 12/12/2022 17:23

You picked your child's name 5 years ago? Bizarre. You shouldn't share your name until your baby is here and that's the name you will 100% go with. Also they do get the sex wrong sometimes so encouraging people to sew a name onto things when you aren't even 100% sure of the sex is short sighted. As for keeping a name your husband no longer likes because someone made a blanket with it on, madness! Just pick a name once the baby arrives, there's no rush, they just put "baby of x" "baby surname" on the hospital tags, then you only officially register the birth a few weeks later. No rush. Pick a name you agree on.

Lcb123 · 12/12/2022 17:25

I find the idea of choosing and/or sharing the name before the birth - very strange.

TheBirdintheCave · 12/12/2022 17:25

@OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa Why is having a name chosen for a long time bizarre? My husband and I have very different name tastes and there are not many crossover points so it was surprisingly simple to settle on something we were both happy with.

MRSDoos · 12/12/2022 17:26

Me and DH had our heart sets on a boy and a girl name for at least the last couple of years. I fell out of love with the girl name as we were coming up to our gender scan last month despite loving it for all that time. DH was sad but understood. We are actually having a boy so we are using our boy name.

I have built this idea of what our son will be like with the name we have chosen for him. Yes I would be upset if DH decided at the last minute that he wasn’t in love with the same anymore, but I do understand it and we would change it.

This happens a lot, this is why people say not to set yourself on a name until you meet your baby (it’s hard and clearly I didn’t take that advice…)

JRHartley72 · 12/12/2022 17:27

You know, this being MN, I'm surprised no one has come on to suggest your DH must have had his head turned by one of the Emilias and that's why he no longer wants the name for his daughter. It's surely on the MN bingo card!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2022 17:27

I chose DD's name before I even met DH. It works for some people.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 17:27

WonderingWanda · 12/12/2022 17:22

Text the crafters 'So sorry, we are having a bit of a wobble over baby names here so hang fire on any makes'. Tell dh you are open to discussion and see what comes out of it. Digging your heals in and insisting it's too late is only going to cause a rift and he will dig in also. Is this your first child? I'd be mindful of other sudden changes in your dh's attitude. It may be he has genuinely changed his mind for some reason or that he has just decided to put you in your place.

Yes first baby, and considering it would be a foolish human to even attempt to put me in my place, he does seem genuinely on the mind change side of the coin!

rippleraspberry · 12/12/2022 17:28

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 17:08

Of course I do

In fact it’s the only name I can even imagine using, every single suggestion is a no because I’ve been set on the name for 5 years. As was DH until a couple of months ago. I can’t even fathom a different name, because for as long as we have been trying that’s been the name we would use. It’s what I’ve been calling her when chatting to bump, what is on her nursery registration forms etc.

Plus his new suggested names are pretty shit! to the point I’d rather sneak off and register her alone under the cover of darkness than have her called Teegan or the umpteen other tacky names that have flown out of his mouth today.

Am having to resist the urge to say ‘when you get a baby sliced out of you, you can name them’ every 10 mins Brew

and breathe…this has gotten far more under my skin than first thought!

Show quote history

So you need to research some names as well, not leave it all to him.

She's going to need a name and it isn't going to be Emilia. You have to fine something else that you can both agree on. Those are simply the facts and there's no point being annoyed with your husband. Choosing a name 5 years in advance of getting pregnant is pretty intense and it's not a surprise that he might change his mind.

You are a team and you'll be raising this child together - there are going to be more difficult issues than a name in the future. Work together.

I get that you're emotional about this but you need to let it go.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 17:29

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 12/12/2022 17:23

You picked your child's name 5 years ago? Bizarre. You shouldn't share your name until your baby is here and that's the name you will 100% go with. Also they do get the sex wrong sometimes so encouraging people to sew a name onto things when you aren't even 100% sure of the sex is short sighted. As for keeping a name your husband no longer likes because someone made a blanket with it on, madness! Just pick a name once the baby arrives, there's no rush, they just put "baby of x" "baby surname" on the hospital tags, then you only officially register the birth a few weeks later. No rush. Pick a name you agree on.

They might get it wrong sometimes but full genetic testing and 12 scans all confirming kind of make that near enough impossible.

And yes, most people have an idea of names when they start TTC no?

BabyFour2023 · 12/12/2022 17:29

YABVU and also BVU to of named an unborn baby 🙄 you do know scans can be wrong? Is this name unisex incase you give birth to a boy?

Jellybean23 · 12/12/2022 17:30

Choose another name between you. You should be equals in your marriage.

What are the crafters making that will still be relevant five years down the line? A pram blanket, plaque etc? It'll be in the loft or a drawer in no time. Outrageous to put the crafters before your husband.

Emilia is pretty common now. The one in our road is known as Em or Emmy which isn't particularly attractive.

thirdfiddle · 12/12/2022 17:30

*CanadianBrit1 · Today 16:38

Not had a baby before but do they really display who they are as an individual as a one day old crying potato?

gosh that is clever.*

That made me laugh. No they don't, not in any personality sense; but people like a narrative. It's such a symbolic, almost superstitious thing.

Maybe people are naming a baby on the basis of some conscious or subconscious association with someone they've known in the past, so e.g. that person is black haired and the baby is born with fair locks they might think it doesn't look like "a Stuart" because subconsciously a Stuart looks like a particular Stuart in memory or imagination.

I'm inclined to go with the minority YANBU though. You've thought it all through and agreed it. Your DH wouldn't hate the name for life, he liked it before and he would get used to it being your DD and not his colleagues in a matter of hours not days. He's probably just feeling awkward about 'what if one of the Emilias at work thinks she's named after her'.

And yes the crafters would be significant to me, as a symbolic thing. The person it affects most is baby and by telling your wider circle you /have/ given her the name, I wouldn't want to take it away again.

Also, you're doing all the hard work here, so you get at least double the votes.

Cattenberg · 12/12/2022 17:30

I’d be really disappointed to change a name I’d wanted for years, but ultimately it’s not too late and I think both parents should be reasonably happy with the name. Even if this means that neither of you get to use your favourites.

Amelia is a very popular name where I live and Emilia is popular too. It can be quite confusing at DD’s school and I never know which Amelia/Emilia DD is talking about, “not Amelia Jones or the one with the glasses…”. 😕. So, I can understand why your DH has been put off, regardless of whether he likes his colleagues.

I do prefer Emilia to Teegan, though!

Hintofreality · 12/12/2022 17:30

He’s shagging one of the colleagues with the same name and that’s why he wants to change it.

DoraSpenlow · 12/12/2022 17:30

TheBirdintheCave · 12/12/2022 17:21

Isn't that more to do with how you feel about the name itself though? Like, once the child arrives you realise you don't actually like it enough to use it on a human? That I could understand.

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Not necessarily. When my DH was born (75 years ago!) his parents had already decided on a boy's name and a girl's name. Apparently they both took one look at him and said, he doesn't look like a Nicholas and called him something completely different. The name they had chosen just didn't suit him.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 17:31

BabyFour2023 · 12/12/2022 17:29

YABVU and also BVU to of named an unborn baby 🙄 you do know scans can be wrong? Is this name unisex incase you give birth to a boy?

Scans can be, but full genetic testing and 12 scans all confirming the same seems unlikely to the point of being near enough impossible

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 17:31

Hintofreality · 12/12/2022 17:30

He’s shagging one of the colleagues with the same name and that’s why he wants to change it.

@JRHartley72 you spoke too soon! We have the first one

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 17:32

Cattenberg · 12/12/2022 17:30

I’d be really disappointed to change a name I’d wanted for years, but ultimately it’s not too late and I think both parents should be reasonably happy with the name. Even if this means that neither of you get to use your favourites.

Amelia is a very popular name where I live and Emilia is popular too. It can be quite confusing at DD’s school and I never know which Amelia/Emilia DD is talking about, “not Amelia Jones or the one with the glasses…”. 😕. So, I can understand why your DH has been put off, regardless of whether he likes his colleagues.

I do prefer Emilia to Teegan, though!

At this point I’d prefer Jeff to Teegan Blush

OvertiredandConfused · 12/12/2022 17:33

We had a short short list of names but didn’t make a decision until DD arrived. We ended up going with the one we had thought would be the least likely because that’s just who she was!

With DS, when we announced his name we assumed, and said, that we would use a well-known derivative day to day. When he was still very little, that just changed without any explicit discussion because, again, it wasn’t who he was and we use the full name. Interestingly, my father still called him by the derivative and, once DS was old enough to express a preference, he was the only person allowed to do that. 19 years old, no one uses the derivative!

JRHartley72 · 12/12/2022 17:34

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 17:31

@JRHartley72 you spoke too soon! We have the first one

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Bingo! 😂

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 12/12/2022 17:34

I can't believe one of the reasons you don't want to change your unborn baby's name, it that someone might have embroidered something 😂

If the name is that common that 5 people in his work have it, that would be enough to put me off too.

But if you really love the name you need to have a serious discussion.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 17:36

Hintofreality · 12/12/2022 17:30

He’s shagging one of the colleagues with the same name and that’s why he wants to change it.

Just the one? I’d expect him to be shagging all 5 for such a U turn so late in the day