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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to change unborn babies name - AIBU

277 replies

CanadianInBritain · 12/12/2022 15:36

38 weeks pregnant so am very possibly being unreasonable here but here goes nothing.

Pregnant with first baby, DH and I have been set on our names for years, a couple of months ago he made a slight musing about not being as confident with our name choice, I brushed it off as he was having other baby related worries at the time and his reasoning was a bit weak (5 people started at his work with the name and he was hearing it a lot, and decided he didn’t like it anymore)

Wasnt mentioned again until this morning, when he has pretty much said he is now 100% not happy with the name picked out and wants to go back to the drawing board.

Issue is, we have been quite open with the name since finding out the sex of our child, I come from a family of crafters who have been keen to know the name for a while so they can get embroidering, so now we have family and friends who have spent time making things for her with a name she might no longer have!!

I have said it’s a bit too late to change course now, if he had an issue he should have more strongly voiced it a few months ago or 5 years ago when we set our hearts on this name.

He has accused me of not taking his opinion into account, and tbh I can’t blame him as that’s exactly what’s happening here (not that I’d admit that outside of MN)

So wise people of MN who is unreasonable here.

YABU - although annoying he does have to be happy with the name too

YANBU - it’s too late to change now, he will need to suck it up

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/12/2022 21:19

PurpleFlower1983 · 12/12/2022 19:45

YABVU, the crafters will sell their stuff to someone else, it can’t be unusual if 5 people with the name work with your DH.

To be fair, presumably they're all at least 20 if they're grads

SpicyFoodRocks · 12/12/2022 21:59

I do have some sympathy for you OP. I was never that invested in my kids’ names. But it sounds like you really were. And had your heart set on this name for a long time. For want of a better word, you might be ‘grieving’ for the name you imagined and it’s a loss of sorts. Not a tragic loss of course and you will get over it. But it’s something that’s not happening the way you planned for your baby girl and that’s bound to be a bit difficult to get used to.

MichaelFabricantWig · 12/12/2022 22:08

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 19:21

How I feel? It’s the only name I’ve ever wanted and I genuinely can’t think of any other I like as much.

Show quote history

Just pick something else. There are all sorts of circumstances where people have to deviate from a name they’d set their hearts on. I did end up having boys but the girls’ name I’d always wanted since all my dolls had the name when I was a little girl became unusable because we ended up with one within our close family circle. He might not even have liked it much anyway, just went along with it because you were set on it.

MichaelFabricantWig · 12/12/2022 22:11

I’m sure it’s not the “only name you like”. What if you end up with a second girl, will she be nameless or have a name you hate?

MichaelFabricantWig · 12/12/2022 22:14

I do feel for you though - when I was pregnant I had a few mini tantrums that my H dared to have opinions on names and also a lot of the ones I liked sounded shit with his (our) surname

Skiphopbump · 12/12/2022 22:21

Of course it’s not too late to change the name.
DH and I had chosen DSs name before he was born but it didn’t feel right for him when he was born.

I’ve got a least two friends who have congratulations cards for their babies in names that changed before registering the birth.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/12/2022 23:13

Are you certain that he also loved the name for five years as well? Might it just be that he was perfectly happy with it when it was all theoretical, but now that it's all becoming real, he's started to have doubts?

Not the same thing exactly, but when you get people promising to give hundreds of thousands to everybody they know IF they win the lottery, but if they actually do win it, they don't always feel quite the same....

I’m an absolute loss to understand why men think they have any input into this anyway 🙄

When they can grow a baby, they can have an opinion

Do you think the same about women who choose to be SAHMs who think they have any input into the house they buy/rent or how the household budget is spent, if all of it is earned by their husbands? Even when you're on ML - and later, if you work PT (likely because of your baby), is it OK if he says "Well, when you go out to work FT, then you can enjoy the benefits of a higher income" ? Especially when you've already made it very clear to him that it's really your baby and he's just there as a bit of a helper; not an equal parent at all.

Be careful what you wish for: claiming priority rights in all decisions to do with your child after they are born can very soon turn into your responsibility for everything child-based as well. If you're married to a certain kind of man, he will cheerfully make sure that all of it ends up being down to you to do, as you are the primary parent.

Of course, it's completely different in cases of abuse and deadbeat dads who don't want to know and walk out on you; but in a loving, committed marriage/partnership, you're a team - for the nice bits and the considerably less nice bits.

As PP very well said, comparing it to consent to sex, if one of you doesn't want it - be it sex or a name for your joint baby - it doesn't happen.

If this were the other way around and it was the mum who had second thoughts about the name they'd both chosen, I can't imagine there would be many people telling her tough, she's too late now; she should have said something earlier, before it was agreed - before the baby is even born.

HeadNorth · 13/12/2022 06:51

Just pick something else. I don't get this and similar posts. Why should the OP 'just pick something else'? Why shouldn't her DH 'just stick with the name they chose' if it is as simple as that? Everyone seems determined that DH be given priority in naming this child, does OP have no say in her own child's name? Emilia was a joint choice, remember (and is a lovely name).

BadNomad · 13/12/2022 06:59

It's not about him getting priority. It's about their child being given a name both parents like. How many parents would be happy with their child being called something they don't like? He doesn't like "Emilia" any more. It doesn't matter that he used to like. He doesn't now. The child isn't born yet, so it's not something he just has to accept.

MilkyYay · 13/12/2022 07:02

The massive jinxiness of getting an unborn babies name embroidered over loads of stuff gives me the heeby jeebies.

Squiff70 · 13/12/2022 07:19

You want to name your child something your husband isn't happy with just to please people who have made things with a specific name on?

I just don't understand why parents share planned names of unborn babies. Surely it makes more sense to wait and meet your baby first to be confident you've chosen the right name before making that announcement?

Clearly logic doesn't come into this. Pregnant or not YABU.

ExtraJalapenos · 13/12/2022 07:21

He has a point. I think 5 people having the same name at work would put me off too, it would be too samey.
FWIW I picked name for my DD when I was 17, actually had her at aged 32. As sure as I was, I still wouldn't have told or expected anyone to make personalised stuff until after she was born/registered. I'd have definitely changed it if I also suddenly had people around me with that name.

CrabDuckDuckCrab · 13/12/2022 07:25

I'd be digging my heels in about the middle name - why does he basically get to dictate your child's entire name?!

blueflagflyhigh · 13/12/2022 07:33

He is allowed to change his opinion. Over time u can change how u feel about a name.

Plenty of time to come up with a new name.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/12/2022 08:43

We didn't completely decide on the babies' names until they arrived. We didn't even know the sex until they arrived.

MichaelFabricantWig · 13/12/2022 12:43

HeadNorth · 13/12/2022 06:51

Just pick something else. I don't get this and similar posts. Why should the OP 'just pick something else'? Why shouldn't her DH 'just stick with the name they chose' if it is as simple as that? Everyone seems determined that DH be given priority in naming this child, does OP have no say in her own child's name? Emilia was a joint choice, remember (and is a lovely name).

But they are going to have to pick something else. She doesn’t get to trump him either. They both have to agree and if that means compromise so be it.

all through my first pregnancy we were going to call a girl Charlotte. I went right off it a few days before birth. I didn’t tell my husband 😂 In the delivery room when the staff were asking about names he said “oh a girl will be called Charlotte” and I was like sure like fuck she will be! Thank goodness I had a boy 😅

do people really think just because we’d decided on that months before I wasn’t entitled to change my mind before the baby was even born?

MichaelFabricantWig · 13/12/2022 12:44

MilkyYay · 13/12/2022 07:02

The massive jinxiness of getting an unborn babies name embroidered over loads of stuff gives me the heeby jeebies.

Me too and writing the Christmas cards with her name in them? I just could not.

Banjoman · 13/12/2022 22:14

HeadNorth · 13/12/2022 06:51

Just pick something else. I don't get this and similar posts. Why should the OP 'just pick something else'? Why shouldn't her DH 'just stick with the name they chose' if it is as simple as that? Everyone seems determined that DH be given priority in naming this child, does OP have no say in her own child's name? Emilia was a joint choice, remember (and is a lovely name).

Would this be said if it was the mother that changed her mind? I doubt it!

CheesesandWines · 13/12/2022 22:21

If you want the name Alexia, go for it.

Calphurnia88 · 14/12/2022 11:29

Banjoman · 13/12/2022 22:14

Would this be said if it was the mother that changed her mind? I doubt it!

Show quote history

If AIBU is anything to go by, it's doesn't matter what sex they are, they're wrong and should be burned at the stake.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/12/2022 17:01

CheesesandWines · 13/12/2022 22:21

If you want the name Alexia, go for it.

This name to me is too close to Alexa and I'm imagining a kid, in this age of technology, in school where kids will go up and say "Alexa, tell me what the weather is like in X location" or "Alexa, play some sort of music/radio station for me" or something similar, trying to be mean to Alexa.

It's wouldn't be a name I'd go with.

Youdoyoubabe · 01/03/2023 04:06

Interesting. I would say mum carries the baby so gets to name it. Dad can have opinion or input but mum chooses her babies name. My husband wasn’t that interested until we had a boy and he wanted to name it after a family member. I did honour that wish… almost. I went for the full long version on the birth certificate but the requested shortened version for day to day. I have grown to love the name but didn’t to begin with.

I would say though, it isn’t a democratic vote. Mothers have always named their babies.

FangsForTheMemory · 01/03/2023 04:54

Youdoyoubabe · 01/03/2023 04:06

Interesting. I would say mum carries the baby so gets to name it. Dad can have opinion or input but mum chooses her babies name. My husband wasn’t that interested until we had a boy and he wanted to name it after a family member. I did honour that wish… almost. I went for the full long version on the birth certificate but the requested shortened version for day to day. I have grown to love the name but didn’t to begin with.

I would say though, it isn’t a democratic vote. Mothers have always named their babies.

You’re talking rubbish AND this is a zombie thread. The OP only posted once, two months ago.

Serrassi · 01/03/2023 09:02

YABVU. He isn’t Changing her name, she hasn’t even been born yet! Names are a discussion until the birth certificate is done.

If your family are making stuff before the baby’s even born, that’s on them, it isn’t your husband’s fault that they jumped the gun. It is very very common for parents to be to change their mind a lot on names.

Are you seriously suggesting that he has to give his child a name he doesn’t like because one of the aunties has put it on a craft pillow?

If you are very attached to the name then that is trixky. But you both have to agree…

Shelby2010 · 01/03/2023 09:08

Of course it’s not too late to change the name when the baby hasn’t even been born yet. Having several colleagues with the same name is a good reason to go off it.

As a compromise, why don’t you choose a new first name & use the original as a middle name. Or swap your current choice of first & middle names around.