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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to change unborn babies name - AIBU

277 replies

CanadianInBritain · 12/12/2022 15:36

38 weeks pregnant so am very possibly being unreasonable here but here goes nothing.

Pregnant with first baby, DH and I have been set on our names for years, a couple of months ago he made a slight musing about not being as confident with our name choice, I brushed it off as he was having other baby related worries at the time and his reasoning was a bit weak (5 people started at his work with the name and he was hearing it a lot, and decided he didn’t like it anymore)

Wasnt mentioned again until this morning, when he has pretty much said he is now 100% not happy with the name picked out and wants to go back to the drawing board.

Issue is, we have been quite open with the name since finding out the sex of our child, I come from a family of crafters who have been keen to know the name for a while so they can get embroidering, so now we have family and friends who have spent time making things for her with a name she might no longer have!!

I have said it’s a bit too late to change course now, if he had an issue he should have more strongly voiced it a few months ago or 5 years ago when we set our hearts on this name.

He has accused me of not taking his opinion into account, and tbh I can’t blame him as that’s exactly what’s happening here (not that I’d admit that outside of MN)

So wise people of MN who is unreasonable here.

YABU - although annoying he does have to be happy with the name too

YANBU - it’s too late to change now, he will need to suck it up

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 12/12/2022 16:35

I understand having vague ideas about names years before but The Name? that is crazy, you can't hold him to that. This is an individual child being born at a specific time. I'd be likely put off of if a name was suddenly all around me particularly if i didn't like the people. The crafters are silly, what if you'd looked at your baby and changed your minds once he was born. Have fun choosing something else for your lovely baby.

Stravaig · 12/12/2022 16:36

Having name options picked out is one thing, but definitively deciding a name before you and DH have even met your child is a bit — well, it's as if you're not interested in who they are as an individual in their own right, and are instead wrapped up in fantasies which you intend to project onto them.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:36

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/12/2022 16:35

His reasoning is not weak, I don't think. If you had five colleagues with the name you were about to call your child, I think this would at least cause a wrinkle in your opinion.

I agree - there are now 5 Emilias with whom he will have a work connection, who he will associate with the endless confusion that will cause with everybody always asking which one. I can well see why he doesn't want to take that 'baggage' home with him when it comes to his precious, unique little girl.

He is working with them for a year max, less than that as most won’t stay in his dept but yes I see your point.

Gah, now to try and get him away from his new favourite name of Teegan Envy

WunWun · 12/12/2022 16:37

You are being wildly unreasonable.

Sugarfree23 · 12/12/2022 16:37

Sorry Op the crafters are going to have to get crafty.

We waited until baby was born before announcing the name - then decided to change the middle name - not thinking anything off it until about a month later gift arrives - framed embroidered picture with the wrong middle name 😳
It was taken back to the framers, unframed, and redone.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:38

Stravaig · 12/12/2022 16:36

Having name options picked out is one thing, but definitively deciding a name before you and DH have even met your child is a bit — well, it's as if you're not interested in who they are as an individual in their own right, and are instead wrapped up in fantasies which you intend to project onto them.

Not had a baby before but do they really display who they are as an individual as a one day old crying potato?

gosh that is clever.

Calphurnia88 · 12/12/2022 16:38

Cherryana · 12/12/2022 15:46

You don’t know the name until you actually see your baby.

We had a name set and he came out and he didn’t look like that name.

The crafters can unpick some embroidery- you and your husband are going to be saying the name for years to come!!

I've known what I would call my children (boy and girl name) since I was a teenager. Thankfully when I got pregnant my other half loved my choices, and when we found out the sex at 20 weeks we referred to DS as the boy name but purposefully didn't tell anyone what it was.

Fast forward to baby being born, and he now has a completely different name 🤣 the name we had been using for months just didn't suit him.

So yes, definitely in the camp of not fully committing to a name until you've registered them essentially!

BadNomad · 12/12/2022 16:39

I think it would be quite sad to force your daughter to grow up with a name her father hates.

SunshineAndFizz · 12/12/2022 16:39

A name is for life, not just a 0-3 month baby gro with it cross stitched across the front.

Delphinium20 · 12/12/2022 16:40

While I have a lot of empathy for your position, OP, your child deserves to have a name origin that involves agreement from both parents. If there is a stalemate, and you are both firmly in your own camps with your own names, then I think the mother is always the tiebreaker (you are making and birthing that baby and likely going to do the majority of feeding afterwards). Yet, in this situation, if the crafters weren't in the picture and if you hadn't told anyone the name, would you consider a change? Is there a second choice you and your DH could agree on? If there's a compromise you'll both be happy with, please go with it.

Stravaig · 12/12/2022 16:40

Tegan is a lovely name, Welsh I think, and unisex, which is handy these days.

Soontobe60 · 12/12/2022 16:40

PinkParfait · 12/12/2022 15:41

He's gone off your chosen name completely because someone at work has the same name?

I don't think you're being unreasonable tbh, you're 38 weeks! He's far too late IMO, especially considering your family have embroidered things for her.

Utter rubbish! Names should be agreed between parents. Most parents I know didn’t decide on names til baby was born

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:41

Doingmybest12 · 12/12/2022 16:35

I understand having vague ideas about names years before but The Name? that is crazy, you can't hold him to that. This is an individual child being born at a specific time. I'd be likely put off of if a name was suddenly all around me particularly if i didn't like the people. The crafters are silly, what if you'd looked at your baby and changed your minds once he was born. Have fun choosing something else for your lovely baby.

Considering he had also told people in the early days I’m not taking the full hit on that decision but yes onto the ‘fun’ (aka stress) of choosing a new name.

Doesn’t help he has seemingly gone off the deep end with his new suggestions!

I might hold onto the hope this is a 1/3 life crisis and in a week he will be back to liking ‘normal’ names Grin

Choconut · 12/12/2022 16:41

You've both been set on this name for years and now as they're about to arrive he decides he doesn't want it any more? Well listen to his alternatives but if you don't like them then why should he get the final say over you. If he doesn't come up with anything that wows you then he needs to suck it up as he's the one who has baled on a decision that's been made for years.

TheBirdintheCave · 12/12/2022 16:42

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:38

Not had a baby before but do they really display who they are as an individual as a one day old crying potato?

gosh that is clever.

Show quote history

Nah, they genuinely just look like angry red potatoes 😂

I've never understood the comments of 'oh what if they don't look like a 'insert name here''. How can you look like a particular name? What does that even mean? 🤔You are the name you're given.

As to the original question OP, I'd definitely go back to the drawing board with your husband. It might turn out that ultimately he decides he likes Emilia again or you might come up with a better name.

My husband and I have our names chosen for our next baby already but I still float ideas to him every now and then just in case we suddenly change our minds.

Stravaig · 12/12/2022 16:42

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:38

Not had a baby before but do they really display who they are as an individual as a one day old crying potato?

gosh that is clever.

Show quote history

If you read your own thread, multiple people have shared that their provisional choices were all wrong when they actually met their child.

hellycat · 12/12/2022 16:43

YANBU, I have always felt that the name should be primarily the mother's choice, considering you've put yourself through what is still the considerable risk of pregnancy and the ordeal of birth. It is your body that will bear any consequences, not his. Why shouldn't you choose the name of your first child, at least? He agreed to the sodding name months ago, not as if you've just landed some way-out suggestion on him out of the blue.

Can he shorten this name in any way to something he likes a bit better and use it as his name for your daughter when she is little? That's not unusual in families anyway.

MichaelFabricantWig · 12/12/2022 16:43

YABU

you can’t give your baby a name your husband doesn’t like any more because some crafters have made things for her! Come on.

we didn’t share our names but I went off our girls’ name just before I had our first and my husband went off our girls’ name just before we had our second. Thankfully we had 2 boys!

Summerishere123 · 12/12/2022 16:44

I'd say your reason for not changing the name (crafters) is weaker than his reason for wanting to.
Ask him to come up with alternatives. If he can't find a nicer name it stays. Their may be room to have this one as a middle name.,

Unicorn717 · 12/12/2022 16:44

The dad gets a say, not the craft family. YABU.

I wasn't 100% on the name we chose for our son until we saw him and I didn't tell people for that exact reason. If he's not coming out with other options then fair enough but you shouldn't be telling people it's the name when one of you don't even like it.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 12/12/2022 16:44

Stravaig · 12/12/2022 16:36

Having name options picked out is one thing, but definitively deciding a name before you and DH have even met your child is a bit — well, it's as if you're not interested in who they are as an individual in their own right, and are instead wrapped up in fantasies which you intend to project onto them.

Ha.

or it's just picking a name you like ahead of time.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:44

Choconut · 12/12/2022 16:41

You've both been set on this name for years and now as they're about to arrive he decides he doesn't want it any more? Well listen to his alternatives but if you don't like them then why should he get the final say over you. If he doesn't come up with anything that wows you then he needs to suck it up as he's the one who has baled on a decision that's been made for years.

Don’t want to be that person who picks up on the only replies agreeing with them but this is my exact view.

I don’t see why his opinion is more important than mine, we have been so set on names since we started TTC, and his suggestions are pretty shit which doesn’t help with the matter either (no offence to the Teegans and Georgiana’s of the world)

LookItsMeAgain · 12/12/2022 16:45

Reindeersnooker · 12/12/2022 15:40

The crafter's don't get a vote.

If he really hates the name you have to compromise. What a faff.

100% this.

Couldn't you give your baby the name that the crafters have been busy integrating into blankets/whatever as a middle name and still be able to use their gifts?

I think you need to take into consideration the desires of your husband at this stage, not the crafters.

Unicorn717 · 12/12/2022 16:45

Would it be different if you decided you didn't like the name anymore but he was telling you that you couldn't change it because his family were making crafty bits?

PinsetAndTwirls · 12/12/2022 16:45

I'm possibly the only person who thinks YANBU. If he didn't like the name, he's had 38 weeks to tell you this.