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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to change unborn babies name - AIBU

277 replies

CanadianInBritain · 12/12/2022 15:36

38 weeks pregnant so am very possibly being unreasonable here but here goes nothing.

Pregnant with first baby, DH and I have been set on our names for years, a couple of months ago he made a slight musing about not being as confident with our name choice, I brushed it off as he was having other baby related worries at the time and his reasoning was a bit weak (5 people started at his work with the name and he was hearing it a lot, and decided he didn’t like it anymore)

Wasnt mentioned again until this morning, when he has pretty much said he is now 100% not happy with the name picked out and wants to go back to the drawing board.

Issue is, we have been quite open with the name since finding out the sex of our child, I come from a family of crafters who have been keen to know the name for a while so they can get embroidering, so now we have family and friends who have spent time making things for her with a name she might no longer have!!

I have said it’s a bit too late to change course now, if he had an issue he should have more strongly voiced it a few months ago or 5 years ago when we set our hearts on this name.

He has accused me of not taking his opinion into account, and tbh I can’t blame him as that’s exactly what’s happening here (not that I’d admit that outside of MN)

So wise people of MN who is unreasonable here.

YABU - although annoying he does have to be happy with the name too

YANBU - it’s too late to change now, he will need to suck it up

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2022 16:18

YABU. I had a name I had absolutely LOVED for years, DH liked it fine and so we'd agreed that we would give our PFB this name. He was born, we both looked at him and said "Nope, he's definitely not a <name> at all, he's a <name we'd thought about off and on>" and that's what we named him.

Never plant your feet firmly on a name, and never tell anyone your 'final list'.

cherriegarcia · 12/12/2022 16:19

YABU.

Sorry but people making gifts for your baby are neither here nor there and it's a bit daft to let them start personalising things before the baby is born.

Your husband - i.e. the baby's father - comes first. If he's not happy with the name then you need to listen to him and pick a different one.

Really you shouldn't share the name before the baby is born for this very reason.

'If you weren't happy you should have told me 5 years ago' is just ridiculous.

SirenSays · 12/12/2022 16:19

Could the name be used as middle name or nickname so the crafts aren't wasted?

MavisMcMinty · 12/12/2022 16:19

The thing about pre-designated names is that sometimes babies come out looking nothing like a Clive or a Mildred, and another name suits them much better.

YABU, a bit.

Mynoodlesareoodles · 12/12/2022 16:20

I can't understand changing a name you've agreed on because there's one in accounts, one in HR, one on the shop floor... These colleagues aren't going to be in DH's life forever. If they all resigned next week, could you have your name back?

Soubriquet · 12/12/2022 16:21

Yeah you’re being daft. It’s all well and good wanting to name a baby before it’s born, but sometimes you look at the newborn and the name doesn’t fit.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2022 16:21

You can't possibly think it's reasonable to put your crafter family members above your husband, the father of your baby.

Bedazzled22 · 12/12/2022 16:22

I think it’s strange to announce a name before the baby has even arrived. We had several names we liked didnt know gender (there are so few nice surprises life), and decided when he was born and saw his face. You might feel the same? Your husbands view is more important than your family of crafters…

However, what if you had the embroidered name as a middle name..? it would still be their name…

Daftasabroom · 12/12/2022 16:23

@CanadianInBritain we had a list of names for DS1, took one look at him and none of them worked, we named him after the midwife's son. It suits him to the ground.

DS2 same again, named after about a week old, he's always been called a nickname.

Cw112 · 12/12/2022 16:24

BIWI · 12/12/2022 15:38

This is why you should never share a name until the baby is actually born! I think YABU taking into account the needs of other people rather than your husband.

I'd be inclined to agree with this. Surely your family would understand and be holding off adding a name until you've officially announced it- you are both allowed to change your minds. I understand picking a name can be daunting. Myself and dh both work with young people and trying to find a name that one of us didn't associate with someone else was really difficult. But it's more important that you pick the right name that you're both happy with as you have to live with it for the rest of your dds life. So I say go back to the drawing board together or agree to hold off until you meet your little one and see what name suits her!

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:24

Apologies, OP here - made a new account as couldn’t figure out how to name change on my main one to post this and now can’t remember the password I made up for it to answer replies!

To answer some questions we had NIPT done at 10 weeks and multiple scans (more than usual due to growth concerns) every single one has said ‘yep still a girl’ we’ve had lots of ‘potty’ shots so we aren’t too worried about an even bigger surprise on the day!

Name isn’t that common, but DHs work has onboarded 120+ graduates and 5 have the name (they also just so happen to be starting in his dept on their first rotation so he is seeing the name a lot more than usual!)

It’s Emilia - so not out there but also not top 10 territory!

TBH it’s more I’m pissed about the name change as I love the name and we had decided so long ago that I now can’t think of another name I like even half as much, doesn’t help DHs suggestions of new names are fucking terrible Grin the embroidery is just a cherry on the inconvenience cake, people will of course get over it but it’s annoying.

whattodo1975 · 12/12/2022 16:25

Wont somebody pleeeeeease think of the crafters!

Seriously though, there are only 2 people who matter when it comes to name. Maybe think about having the original name as a middle name.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:26

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2022 16:21

You can't possibly think it's reasonable to put your crafter family members above your husband, the father of your baby.

Of course not, but it’s also the only name I like so forgive me for putting myself above him (I know that’s also unreasonable but still)

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/12/2022 16:26

I think it's sad that so much is shared before a birth nowadays. There used to be a level of excitement to find out what sex a baby was after birth, then the name was another surprise.

Each to their own, but I 100% agree with you. It seems like an anticlimax to me.

You have something like about 6 weeks after the baby is born to register them, and then you can change it up to their first birthday, should you want to; so I don't think it's 'leaving it late' at all. Like many parents (and almost all parents in the days before sex-identifying scans), our DS wasn't actually named until later than that - the day he was born and we learned that he was a boy! Even then, we both took a few minutes to discuss whether we both still wanted to give him the boy-name that we'd agreed on before; if we'd had any misgivings, we would have taken a little time.

Family and friends can wait as long as necessary to find out the name: this is the time for the parents to finally decide and both agree, when they are properly ready.

At any rate, if the name is now growing in popularity (unless the new starters are all middle-aged/older), it will only be a matter of time before somebody else has a baby Gladys (I'm right, aren't I? Grin) and any pre-made personalised craft items can then be given for her!

autienotnaughty · 12/12/2022 16:27

I'm with you!very frustrating to name change now. But it would unfair to make him go with it. I'd be seriously annoyed though.

DuploMum · 12/12/2022 16:28

This is why it's SOOO weird to share the name with people before your baby is born!

Also what if you don't get what you think you're getting. Boy/girl 🙄

Foodieasfuck · 12/12/2022 16:29

I think the baby’s Daddy’s opinion is more important than the crafters. My son was named when he was born and then 2 days later we changed it. A lot of the congrats cards have the girdt name we chose on there.
Better to change it now than further down the line.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/12/2022 16:29

Of course not, but it’s also the only name I like so forgive me for putting myself above him

Have you changed your own (user)name now?!

Surely there can't be only one name you like? There are books out there with 50,000 names in them and lazy people who don't like reading call their DC Aaron - there must be something that you both are very happy with?

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:31

DuploMum · 12/12/2022 16:28

This is why it's SOOO weird to share the name with people before your baby is born!

Also what if you don't get what you think you're getting. Boy/girl 🙄

When you’ve had genetic testing and 12 scans all confirming a girl I think we can be pretty sure Blush

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/12/2022 16:31

X-posted there on a couple of points.

erinaceus · 12/12/2022 16:32

His reasoning is not weak, I don't think. If you had five colleagues with the name you were about to call your child, I think this would at least cause a wrinkle in your opinion.

CanadianBrit1 · 12/12/2022 16:32

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/12/2022 16:29

Of course not, but it’s also the only name I like so forgive me for putting myself above him

Have you changed your own (user)name now?!

Surely there can't be only one name you like? There are books out there with 50,000 names in them and lazy people who don't like reading call their DC Aaron - there must be something that you both are very happy with?

Yes, I couldn’t figure out how to nc on my main account so created a new one to post this, stupidly logged out after posting and can’t remember the made up password to log back in!

And this is why you take up Apples offer of a secure password that’s auto saved Blush

RosesAndHellebores · 12/12/2022 16:32

Hmm
We had a name all chosen 28 years ago. DS was born. He just wasn't a Hugo or a Hugh. We named him something entirely different when we met him. Similarly DD was most certainly not an Oscar :)

RedToothBrush · 12/12/2022 16:33

You can't 'change' a baby's name until after the baby has been named and birth certificate done.

Up to that point you are still in the period of deciding a name.

Your relatives wanting a name in advance is jumping the gun as is you telling them, ahead of making sure you are BOTH 100% with it.

Your husband is the priority here not other family members. Using the excuse that it's rude to change your mind cos you've jumped the gun is emotionally blackmailing your other half and that's not OK.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/12/2022 16:35

His reasoning is not weak, I don't think. If you had five colleagues with the name you were about to call your child, I think this would at least cause a wrinkle in your opinion.

I agree - there are now 5 Emilias with whom he will have a work connection, who he will associate with the endless confusion that will cause with everybody always asking which one. I can well see why he doesn't want to take that 'baggage' home with him when it comes to his precious, unique little girl.