Please please help me, I’ve upset everyone

[neighfriends]

I’ve pissed off my friends and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m really struggling and would appreciate any help..

For context, I’ve got a hobby/lifestyle that takes over a lot of my everyday life and that people outside of it might not understand how big a commitment it is. My friends don’t understand when I explain why I sometimes can’t go to something because of it, and why it means it’s so much harder to organise social things on top of work, family life and everything else. I don’t drone on and on about it to them as they’re not really interested behind being polite which is fair enough!

I love spending time with them, and I probably go to 50% of things organised and I see them when we’re working and studying- I want to spend more time with them but I feel like it’s impossible sometimes and I just have too much on. They clearly think I’m being flakey, and make excuses all the time and are being more and more distant with me and I feel so upset about it.

Also recently, as much as I love being social and going out and doing things with my friends, sometimes I feel so drained and exhausted and when it rolls around I feel like I’ve got 0% battery. It’s probably a combination of worrying about them being pissed off at me on top of other stresses and recent health problems I’ve had, but I just feel exhausted with it all.

I think they see me going to my hobby and thinking if I’m not too exhausted or busy to go there then why can’t I skip it sometimes and see them more often? But I’ve tried to explain to them that I can’t do that but they obviously think I’m making excuses

in my ideal world I would go to as many social events as I can (probably around half) and see my friends when we are working, studying and on our social media and so on. But it’s not just about me and I need to consider them too and the current situation is clearly making them pissed off with me.I just don’t know what to do for the best

for the record- once I’ve agreed to go to something I’ll always go unless it’s an emergency. I wouldn’t bail on them once I’ve agreed plans. Unfortunately though we were supposed to meet up earlier this week and I had to cancel last minute (emergency situation which I explained to them) which has just annoyed them even more.

They’re great friends and we’ve been friends for years so I don’t want to lose our friendship- we haven’t drifted and when we talk and spend time together it’s all completely normal! but I know they’re getting annoyed at me for constantly not attending things and they think I’m making excuses. I don’t want to upset them but I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and have any advice? Thanks in advance x

This sounds very intense, far more intensethan is common for adukt friendships. How often are they expecting you to see them?

How often do they want to meet up?

And how comes the hobby can’t drop down a bit - are we talking something like a team
sport where you have to take part?

How old are you and your friends op? You say you're studying which leads me to think maybe early 20s? Friendships can be quite intense then

They're upset because your hobby is more important to you than they are, and you'd rather do your hobby than see them.
If that's how you feel, that's your right, but its their right to feel hurt.
You might need to look for friends who share the same level of expectations as you do around their priority.

You're choosing your hobby though, so it's not as if you can't help it. You have every right to spend your time as you wish, but they will assume you're less invested in the friendship than they are because you don't turn up.

you’re right it does sound intense, sorry it’s just the way I’ve explained it badly but it’s not actually as intense as it sounds!

it’s been going on for a while, it’s not like we are constantly meeting up everyday it’s just things like birthdays and for casual things like going for dinner, having movie nights, going for lunch. Sometimes it’s just small things like meeting up just to have a catch up. It’s not an everyday thing though and it’s been building up for a while x

What's the hobby?

Why can’t you skip the hobby sometimes? I have a group of really good friends. If we all
want to meet up it’s give and take.

Yeah I completely understand that. I guess the way I’ve seen it as that my hobby is the equivalent to work in some ways (I do have a normal job aswell, but it’s competitive so it’s not like a casual thing if that makes sense) so I suppose I’ve seen it as being the equivalent of work in some ways and therefore nobody could blame me for putting it above them (as I’m reading that back in realising how silly it sounds, but I think that’s how I sort of explained it to myself)

Adult friendships shouldn't be this high maintenance! Don't worry about it. You're allowed to see them as often as you like or don't like. You're allowed to cancel seeing them (even if it isn't an emergency), assuming you don't leave them hanging all the time.

Don't even entertain their complaints

It would help if you gave us an age bracket @neighfriends

Competitive hobbies are a bit different to other hobbies.. Do you want to tell us exactly what's happened? Sounds like there's been a blow out

Well, you’re choosing this mysterious ‘hobby/lifestyle’ over them. It’s a choice. One Kure obviously entitled to, but other people get to feel miffed that you regard seeing them as a chore that comes behind playing Dungeons and Dragons/training for ultramarathons/ macramé or whatever. I agree with pps though that the friendship group sounds as intense as the hobby.

i was going to keep it anonymous but seems a bit silly to only give half a story! It’s dressage. Sometimes I have lessons and training and other times I can’t go because I need to sort the horses, I can get cover or help if I have enough time but my friends don’t realise that if they message on the group chat about meeting at short notice, I won’t be able to immediately get cover and go because I still need to sort the horses x

In my early 20s (crying having to admit that because I’m still in denial I’m in my 20s haha)

I knew it would be horses! You're entitled to spend your time as you choose and your friends are entitled to feel a bit miffed. It's a tough one, but I think good friends would understand so maybe try and find some more friends within the hobby?

Honestly, I don’t see them as a chore at all. I love spending time with them! Obviously all hobbies are important to the individual person but if it was something that I could do at another time (eg going to the gym) then I would absolutely try to rearrange it but when there’s real animals involved it’s so much harder. Or maybe I’m just making excuses for myself 🤷🏻‍♀️ I dont know at this point!

Gosh this sounds exhausting.

I can only assume none of your friendship group have had children yet 🤣

Enjoy your hobby, make sure you're there for the big things like birthdays, weddings, hen parties etc. The movie nights and that are there way of spending their free time, you have yours. They don't get to make you feel guilty about that. But make sure you make the big stuff where you can. And let them know that's what your expectation is of your friendships.

Haha. No children thankfully, shuddering even imagining how much more stressful that would be!

Hobbies are supposed to enrich your life, not leave you drained, exhausted and have you choosing to neglect important relationships.

I had a feeling it would be horses but I like to swing by these threads that mention hobbies in the hopes that one day my username will be proved right and someone will just admit it.

Why are people so vague about their hobbies on Mumsnet? Is it really so outing if you tell us about your lacrosse/netball/knitting/larping ctivity?

In your early 20s (especially now with so many not leaving home) getting out of the house with friends is the preferred way of spending your free time but it changes pretty rapidly as people start to move in with partners etc.

When your hobby involves animals that need looking after and exercising, they are unreasonable to think you can drop 50% of that to go for lunches.

I'm in my late 30s now and the max I see friends without kids is every 6 weeks.

Tell them this.

I thought you were early 20s. Friendships at this time are really intense and if you're at uni (assuming you are) then they do demand a lot of time.

I can see it from their point of view, which isn't to say they're right but ime friends who had other serious demands on their time weren't as close because the other demand was a priority.

That's OK, in itself (and from your late 20s when everyone's lives get busier you'll find it much easier to navigate!) and it sounds like you make the effort as much as possible.

So what's happened whereby you've upset all of them?

It’s so hard to get the balance. Ive tried suggesting things rather than saying ‘sorry I can’t, no I can’t go…’ so I’m actually making an effort but then it comes across like all the plans have to circle round me which doesn’t seem fair either.

This week I was supposed to go for dinner for my friends birthday but had to cancel last minute because a horse was unwell and we had to get the emergency vets out. I tried to explain it (without boring them to death!) but they just think I’m being flakey and making excuses. Of course, horses being horses, always manage to pick the worst times to get kicked in the field, go lame, colic!