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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DD staying over at a boy's house

209 replies

lilacclementine · 08/12/2022 22:06

DD is 17. She's just out of an 18 month relationship and enjoying spending more time with friends and working for her A levels.

She's just announced that on Sat she was going to watch a sporting thing with a lad she's known for ages (they've been a bit flirty for a while) then they're going to go round to his and watch Christmas films and get a takeaway.
The kicker is she's planning on staying over as it's quite a long journey back and I can't get her.

I said no.

She said that I can't say that.

She also says that :

  1. she's not planning on sleeping with him
  2. she's pretty sensible and sober
  3. she's 17 and doesn't think I have much of a say in this.

It's point 3 that bothers me. She's not planning a night of drunken foolishness (neither of them really drink because they both play sport quite seriously) but instead a takeaway and movies. She's very clear that she's not planning on doing anything but I've told her that plans change. Then she told me that if plans did change that would also be ok as she's 17, knows her own mind, and is safe.

It just feels so strange. Technically in a year she'll be at university doing whatever she likes but this feels strangely permissive.

AIBU?

OP posts:
dontwanthislinked · 08/12/2022 22:08

I think at 17 yes YABU. She could literally move out and you wouldn't have a say.

ScreamingInfidelities · 08/12/2022 22:08

YABU she’s correct on all three counts.

Ramble0n · 08/12/2022 22:09

I don't think she needs your permission.

Stressedmum2017 · 08/12/2022 22:09

Yeah you are being unreasonable, she's 17 time to loosen the apron strings. I was up and down the country at that age, going abroad with friends etc.

TheSmallAssassin · 08/12/2022 22:09

Yes you are being unreasonable, your daughter is right. Why do you think you should have a say? I know it is an adjustment but she's not doing anything wrong.

Isahlo · 08/12/2022 22:09

yabu.

user1487194234 · 08/12/2022 22:10

Yabvu
Absolutely not your business
HTH

Climbles · 08/12/2022 22:10

She’s an adult. You should be happy she’s telling you where she’ll be.

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/12/2022 22:11

I think you just need to let her know that you'll pick her up at any point, if she's uncomfortable with a situation, feeling worried or just wants to come home. She can always make out that you called her if she doesn't want to lose face in front of him.

PeekAtYou · 08/12/2022 22:11

Yabu
You've basically taught her to lie next time.

Pineapple41 · 08/12/2022 22:11

What on earth would be the problem if she did choose to sleep with him though, assuming he’s not a creep? She’s over the age of consent and very nearly an adult!

bakewellbride · 08/12/2022 22:11

She's 17 and can do what she wants.

SpidaMama · 08/12/2022 22:12

Sorry but she's over the age of consent and seems quite sensible.

I mean you could put your foot down as she's not yet 18 and make her come home but is that really a battle you want to go into? You could just make her move out the second she hits 18 and she will never tell you the truth about where she is going again.

You know where she is, you know she is sensible. I'm afraid it just seems like something that's going to happen unless you want to make it into a bigger deal than it is.

Talk to her about being safe, not drinking excessivly and about what to do if she feels unsafe or pressured and trust her ability to deal with it.

Scary but an inevitable part of them growing up.

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/12/2022 22:12

YABU. She’s right on all three counts, and if plans changed, point 3 still applies.

Coolcreature · 08/12/2022 22:12

I also think you're being unreasonable. The fact that she's TOLD you these plans goes to show she is being sensible. Even if she was to have sex, it's her body. I'd set up a safe word between you and her, give her taxi company details for near by so she can leave if she wants to and be thankful that she trusts you enough to tell you.

Original poster
lilacclementine · 08/12/2022 22:14

Dammit.
I thought I was perhaps being unreasonable but her being 17 seems to have arrived rather fast. Im certain she was 15 only a few months ago and I asked her to leave her room door open when her BF came round.

In mitigation she's my oldest and my mum didn't let me share a room with my now DH when we were 29 (AND ENGAGED) so I've got some issues to unpack.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/12/2022 22:15

I’m with your daughter on this one. If there was going to be any shenanigans it would have already happened or will happen at any other time they are together.

You have not mentioned any concerns about this boy other than he’s a boy. It’s good that she develops platonic relationships with the other sex, because they will be the ones who are in her support network when she goes to Uni or moves out.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 08/12/2022 22:17

I’d have laughed in my mums face if she’d tried to stop this. How exactly?!

She’s 17. SEVENTEEN. If she wants to have sex (and what’s your objection to a) that and b) if she doesn’t?), it is none of your business other than providing a safe place for her to discuss her feelings on in and contraception choices.

Kindly, you are failing her on both counts.

Mumdiva99 · 08/12/2022 22:17

My mum didn't let me sleep over at a boys when I was a similar age.

So I went earlier. We DTD then. And went home for my curfew.

She should have just let me stay.....

Pjsandhotchoc · 08/12/2022 22:18

I understand your apprehension OP, but I think you have to tread very carefully here. She clearly trusts you, to have been able to tell you her plans and not made up that she was staying at a girlfriends (as I often did at 17/18!). Please don’t erode that trust.

It sounds like you have a good relationship and communicate well. Instead of telling her no, maybe open up some discussion about sex, contraception, relationships. Not just the usual protecting yourself from STIs and pregnancy, but talk about casual sex, how it differs from relationships, what she wants from this friend and if they’re on the same page. Open up that emotional dialogue instead of trying to control what she’s doing, because as has already been pointed out, at 17 you don’t really get a say.

gogohmm · 08/12/2022 22:18

Yabu, legally she can move out if she wanted. You can make the rules for your house but not when she's away. I would protect your relationship with her rather than trying to enforce rules like she's a child

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/12/2022 22:18

lilacclementine · 08/12/2022 22:14

Dammit.
I thought I was perhaps being unreasonable but her being 17 seems to have arrived rather fast. Im certain she was 15 only a few months ago and I asked her to leave her room door open when her BF came round.

In mitigation she's my oldest and my mum didn't let me share a room with my now DH when we were 29 (AND ENGAGED) so I've got some issues to unpack.

A little credit where credits is due…you are asking and taking differing opinions on board. You didn’t come across like you were threatening her with a convent 😁

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 08/12/2022 22:22

Pjsandhotchoc · 08/12/2022 22:18

I understand your apprehension OP, but I think you have to tread very carefully here. She clearly trusts you, to have been able to tell you her plans and not made up that she was staying at a girlfriends (as I often did at 17/18!). Please don’t erode that trust.

It sounds like you have a good relationship and communicate well. Instead of telling her no, maybe open up some discussion about sex, contraception, relationships. Not just the usual protecting yourself from STIs and pregnancy, but talk about casual sex, how it differs from relationships, what she wants from this friend and if they’re on the same page. Open up that emotional dialogue instead of trying to control what she’s doing, because as has already been pointed out, at 17 you don’t really get a say.

This is such a good, well reasoned answer.

Starrylight · 08/12/2022 22:22

I think especially as she's had an 18 month previous relationship by this point, that even if sex was on the cards she's going to probably apply common sense contraception wise. Can you not just get her to check in over the phone with you later on so you know she's okay?

Original poster
lilacclementine · 08/12/2022 22:23

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/12/2022 22:15

I’m with your daughter on this one. If there was going to be any shenanigans it would have already happened or will happen at any other time they are together.

You have not mentioned any concerns about this boy other than he’s a boy. It’s good that she develops platonic relationships with the other sex, because they will be the ones who are in her support network when she goes to Uni or moves out.

I don't think it's platonic in fairness! He's been hovering around for ages and the minute her and her BF broke up he's been there... a lot.

He's nice. Seems polite. Works hard at school and sport. Has a job. They work out together.

She's sensible enough. And she had an 18 month relationship and asked me to go with her to family planning so I'm not usually this Victorian.

I surprised both of us.

OP posts: