Page 9 | About DD staying over at a boy's house

lilacclementine · 2022-12-08T22:06:36+00:00

DD is 17. She's just out of an 18 month relationship and enjoying spending more time with friends and working for her A levels. She's just announced that on Sat she was going to watch a sporting thing with a lad she's known for ages (they've been a bit flirty for a while) then they're going to go round to his and watch Christmas films and get a takeaway. The kicker is she's planning on staying over as it's quite a long journey back and I can't get her. I said no. She said that I can't say that. She also says that : 1) she's not planning on sleeping with him 2) she's pretty sensible and sober 3) she's 17 and doesn't think I have much of a say in this. It's point 3 that bothers me. She's not planning a night of drunken foolishness (neither of them really drink because they both play sport quite seriously) but instead a takeaway and movies. She's very clear that she's not planning on doing anything but I've told her that plans change. Then she told me that if plans did change that would also be ok as she's 17, knows her own mind, and is safe. It just feels so strange. Technically in a year she'll be at university doing whatever she likes but this feels strangely permissive. AIBU?

Marths · 14/12/2022 10:38

CrownTheTurkey · 13/12/2022 18:28

Who doesn't? Have we missed something?

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BabyOnBoard90

Gingernan · 08/09/2023 05:00

Here's one, my eldest daughter ( 45 returned home when relationship ended) is engaged to a man 10 years older who also lives with his mum ...he's divorced and mum likes having him. My daughter is not allowed to stay over as they are not married. She's very religious which they respect. I don't mind him staying at all. I'm just happy she's happy!

My dad used to put my late husband and I in separate rooms until we were actually married ( I was 25 he was 28) when we visited from London , we weren't actually living together there but he often stayed at my house, though his mum had similar rules to my dad If I visited him.

NotAMug · 08/09/2023 07:10

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/12/2022 22:26

YANBU.

My daughter certainly would not be permitted to do such a thing at 17. And if she ever said I can't tell her what to do, then I'd tell her good luck finding her own place.

At 17, why? How ridiculous. Guessing you don't have teens (or are almost adults at 17). Your poor kids, you know they'll do it anyway, even if they don't sleep over, if you think they wont/didn't, you're probably wrong!

NotAMug · 08/09/2023 07:12

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/12/2022 22:37

Her and her age are independent of the values and principles I have.

I respect some people take a more laxed approach once their children are teenagers, but there are many cultures where you continue to guide and educate your children further indy adulthood

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Guiding then into adulthood doesn't mean controlling everything they do, it's about teaching them to be independent, sensible and safe.

NotAMug · 08/09/2023 07:23

Gingernan · 08/09/2023 05:00

Here's one, my eldest daughter ( 45 returned home when relationship ended) is engaged to a man 10 years older who also lives with his mum ...he's divorced and mum likes having him. My daughter is not allowed to stay over as they are not married. She's very religious which they respect. I don't mind him staying at all. I'm just happy she's happy!

My dad used to put my late husband and I in separate rooms until we were actually married ( I was 25 he was 28) when we visited from London , we weren't actually living together there but he often stayed at my house, though his mum had similar rules to my dad If I visited him.

FFS why have you responded on an old thread. Pointless!

Evaka · 08/09/2023 07:32

Hi OP, I was brought up by a very conservative mother so I understand where you're coming from. For many families it's not as simple as 'she's over the age of consent/she's an adult/you're lucky she tells you anything'. But others are right. She sounds sensible, he sounds like a nice lad and if they don't drink, it sounds like a very chilled and safe evening. Every crazy risk I took as a teen and beyond was as a result of trying to outfox my mum who tried to retain control far into my 20s. She stopped me doing zero of the things I wanted to do but drove a disastrous wedge between us. Sending you support so you can trust your daughter and accept she's growing up and needs freedom 💙 ❤️ 💗

Zanatdy · 08/09/2023 07:34

She’s 17, as long as boys parents are ok with her staying then I think you’re being unreasonable yes. Like you say in a years time she will be at Uni and you’ll have no idea what she’s doing. You need to loosen the reigns a bit now

NotAMug · 08/09/2023 07:34

Evaka · 08/09/2023 07:32

Hi OP, I was brought up by a very conservative mother so I understand where you're coming from. For many families it's not as simple as 'she's over the age of consent/she's an adult/you're lucky she tells you anything'. But others are right. She sounds sensible, he sounds like a nice lad and if they don't drink, it sounds like a very chilled and safe evening. Every crazy risk I took as a teen and beyond was as a result of trying to outfox my mum who tried to retain control far into my 20s. She stopped me doing zero of the things I wanted to do but drove a disastrous wedge between us. Sending you support so you can trust your daughter and accept she's growing up and needs freedom 💙 ❤️ 💗

Zombie thread, the DD has long been and gone to the boys house.

NotAMug · 08/09/2023 07:36

Zanatdy · 08/09/2023 07:34

She’s 17, as long as boys parents are ok with her staying then I think you’re being unreasonable yes. Like you say in a years time she will be at Uni and you’ll have no idea what she’s doing. You need to loosen the reigns a bit now

Zombie thread, also if you read OPs post this was resolved about 9 months ago.

Why do people reply on Zombie threads, I got all invested in this thread to then realise it was old!