About DD staying over at a boy's house

[lilacclementine]

DD is 17. She's just out of an 18 month relationship and enjoying spending more time with friends and working for her A levels.

She's just announced that on Sat she was going to watch a sporting thing with a lad she's known for ages (they've been a bit flirty for a while) then they're going to go round to his and watch Christmas films and get a takeaway.
The kicker is she's planning on staying over as it's quite a long journey back and I can't get her.

I said no.

She said that I can't say that.

She also says that :

1. she's not planning on sleeping with him
2. she's pretty sensible and sober
3. she's 17 and doesn't think I have much of a say in this.

It's point 3 that bothers me. She's not planning a night of drunken foolishness (neither of them really drink because they both play sport quite seriously) but instead a takeaway and movies. She's very clear that she's not planning on doing anything but I've told her that plans change. Then she told me that if plans did change that would also be ok as she's 17, knows her own mind, and is safe.

It just feels so strange. Technically in a year she'll be at university doing whatever she likes but this feels strangely permissive.

AIBU?

My dd is 17, I'd let her stay... not that I need to 'let' her. She'd tell me and I'd accept it. I'd trust her judgement and believe her.

She’s not asking permission. She’s letting you know where she’ll be. And as for the previous PP who suggested she gets her own place if she wants to have sex, surely the last thing you want is your 17 year old daughter living in some bedsit or shared house thinking that her mum didn’t like her.

It’s a tricky age.

They were occasionally allowed a drink with a meal. I wasn’t naive to know the possibilities of alcohol being present at parties away from home.

Two now have moved out. Mid twenties and very successful in their careers. One will always need adult support due to his needs and one is still a teen.

From experience it was always the ones with strict parents that would run into problems. Lost count the number of times I have stayed up with a mate who was pissed. Supported one going to the police (of course not her fault, parents would have unfortunately not supported her), Supported another who was kicked out when she got pregnant. They would lie about where they were going and who would be there.

@BabyOnBoard90

Sounds like you speak from experience

Do you think you are insulting that poster with this comment? Experience is exactly what drives us to want better for our children, in all aspects of their lives. That is a good thing, not bad.

Are you even 17 yet?

I'm genuinely shocked at the amount of posters saying yes to this. I have 4 dc, one being 17. If there is 1 rule they all know and would never break, its no sleepovers. Until they are adults (18+) my children will be in their own beds every night. I absolutely detest sleepovers. I will drive for miles, pick up the teenager and any number of friends, at any time but no overnights. There are many things I let slide, but they wouldn't even try on that one. Every family is different I suppose.

YABU.

It was a speculative comment.

The fact you interpreted as an insult says more about how you perceive posters comment.

@BabyOnBoard90 it's all too easy to comment and act sanctimonious when you're on the outside looking in.

The rose-tinted ideal is great in theory but, in practice, when your child becomes an actual person with the ability to think, speak and make decisions for themselves it will throw a spanner in the works.

You're going to need to relax, massively, otherwise teen years are going to push you to the brink of your sanity. You don't just get to force your ideals on your child, they have to agree. By 17, you should be cooperating - my way or the highway will not work.

The fact you interpreted as an insult says more about how you perceive posters comment.

I'm ok with that. I'm not the one making a fool of myself.

Are you an obsessed stalker? Clearly come on here and search for my posts

Even if it's with their best friend?

Wouldn't be so sure

@ObjectionSustained yes, absolutely. The only people they would stay with would be my mum and their godmother. Me and dh seem to be the go to parents for the friends, when they are drunk/ relationship/ parent drama. I feel like my house is a youth club at times so it's clearly never created any issues. I think because they are aware we are generally quite laid back, that when we do have a line, they don't cross it.

Exactly this! Surely as parent's we all seek to support our kids to succeed in life, be happy, safe, and confident? It's supposed to be about healthy/safe guidance to try and steer towards that... Not clamping down on their every move and smothering them to the point they tell you nothing at all, and engage in risky behaviour because they're treated like a 10yr old until they hit 18. It's all fun and games till they wind up in A&E on freshers week because of alcohol poisoning, or being spiked, or raped because they've absolutely no streetwise sense.

Just back down. Tell her you've thought about it and you hope she has a lovely time, stay safe and ring you if she needs you. If you don't embrace the situation then she'll do it anyway but you will have put her on her first step to defy you!

Oh to be 17 again! How exciting for her. OP you are clearly a wonderful mum. I was never able to talk about this stuff with my parents.

Your DD sounds super smart on all counts. And she’s correct in what she said.

Back down, start up the conversation about trust/bodily autonomy and consent again.

Gosh well..she seems more mature than me! And I’m 38!
If it were me going on a Netflix and chill type date, all sorts of thoughts would be dashing through my head..should I sleep with him? Should I not sleep with him? If I do will we end together? If I don’t will we not end up together? What if I do and I then want to be with him but he cools off? What if I end up really getting involved..? etc etc etc! To be so incredibly cool about it, I’m impressed - particularly at age 17. My concern would be that she seems a little naive to be honest, and a bit too keen to appear a fully fledged adult in control of her emotions. Because she isn’t, not really.

It's fine. I was at residential college living away from home at 17, with no curfew and stayed over at my boyfriends regularly then
My parents didn't have a clue what I was doing every day/night as I was well, not there!

How does she seem naive? From literally everything OP has stated. She sounds like a very sensible, and pretty clued up 17yr old?

What are you talking about?

Arrh yes I know exactly what you mean. My eldest also started secondary school 5 minutes ago and is now picking Universities.

Tell her its when plans change suddenly that mistakes are made and pack her off her with a lecture about consent and a 3 pack of condoms. Nothing makes sex seem less cool than potential parental approval.

i can see I’d be unreasonable too then. There’s no way my DD would be staying at a boys house who wasn’t her boyfriend. My DD is only 16 at the moment and to be honest she wouldn’t even suggest it.

Ugh. You sound like my mum did. And tbh, I really resented her for it and found her excruciatingly embarrassing. It’s an old fashioned approach at best. Weird approach at worst.

Each to their own of course. But that's a bit extreme, and weird? I think my first sleepover at a friend's was when I was around 7 or 8 for a party. I definitely had a sleepover in a tent in a friend's back garden when I was 11 with mates. Frequently stayed over at friends houses in fact. I suspect my folks took the same stance I did with my own Dd. That if you teach your kids to speak up, and apply some gut feeling judgement. Then you don't have to worry that everyone in the world is a potential pedophile? Especially if your child is 17 and stopping at a mates house.