About DD staying over at a boy's house

[lilacclementine]

DD is 17. She's just out of an 18 month relationship and enjoying spending more time with friends and working for her A levels.

She's just announced that on Sat she was going to watch a sporting thing with a lad she's known for ages (they've been a bit flirty for a while) then they're going to go round to his and watch Christmas films and get a takeaway.
The kicker is she's planning on staying over as it's quite a long journey back and I can't get her.

I said no.

She said that I can't say that.

She also says that :

1. she's not planning on sleeping with him
2. she's pretty sensible and sober
3. she's 17 and doesn't think I have much of a say in this.

It's point 3 that bothers me. She's not planning a night of drunken foolishness (neither of them really drink because they both play sport quite seriously) but instead a takeaway and movies. She's very clear that she's not planning on doing anything but I've told her that plans change. Then she told me that if plans did change that would also be ok as she's 17, knows her own mind, and is safe.

It just feels so strange. Technically in a year she'll be at university doing whatever she likes but this feels strangely permissive.

AIBU?

She is 17! You ABVU 🤣

This!

I'm absolutely sure your child being told they'll be kicked out of the house until the point they leave & never speak to you again will make you feel a credit to yourself

Buy yourself a pet. You can boss it around far easier

Feel free to share next week's lottery numbers too

I doubt that poster actually has a child.

She’s not going to tell you if she is going to f him.

YABU. She is slowly edging into what she will be doing at uni. She sounds like she has a good moral compass. Give her guidance and hope for the best. It seems like a natural progression before leaving home. YANBU however for being a good parent and thinking about her best interests. You just care. Just let go of the reins a bit maybe x

YABU.

My parents didn’t let me stay over boys’ houses until I was 18. Still lost my virginity when I was 16 so it didn’t really stop anything 🤷‍♀️

Also - you sound like an amazing mum and she’s very lucky to have you.

Did your daughter have a nice evening @lilacclementine ?

She did!

He made her a stir fry, they watched the match with friends (all of his friends and all their girlfriends/ boyfriends - so very cosy which made me smile,) she played with his cats, met his mum and they watched a film. I didn't enquire further but she was in a very cheerful mood, he was texting her from the minute she got home and he's coming to watch her match on Friday and they're having a curry after. I feel a bit foolish for my initial reaction.

This was Mumsnet at its best.
"Am I perhaps being a bit stupid?"
Mumsnet, pretty unanimously, "Yes"

"Oh. I'll fix it".

Thanks to everyone. Even the "I'd never let my daughter do something like that" couple who reminded me so much of my dreadful mum that it helped a lot !

My mum did this when I was your daughter's age and in the end I'd lie and have friends cover for me. trust is gained and that works both ways. You've done well raising an honest sensible young lady by the sounds she's telling you her plans and she's being truthful please don't ruin it for yourself XXX

Love the update OP. Sounds like you're a great mum and she knows it.

I've got 2 DDs, 19 and 21. I haven't always got it right, nor have they, but we've got through the teenage years somehow. It's not easy trying to strike the balance!

I think what is unreasonable, is that anyone thinks they can control what a 17year old does. If they really want to have sex they will, regardless.

Lovely update, you have a lovely relationship. All the best to you both. Merry Christmas!

Bybway of reassurance, when I was DD's age, most of my friends were boys. I used to stay at their houses quite often, sometimes just 2 of us. Nothing ever happened, becsuse we were just friends, and real life is not like a porn film. (There were slightly different rules for any actual boyfriends.)

I know times are different now, with regard to some boys expectations and understanding of consent. If he is a nice lad and your daughter trusts him then i woukd respect her judgement and wouldn't have a problem with it

That is true, but in many of those cultures, children just learn to do stuff behind their parents' backs. My husband comes from a culture like this, and it was just normal for kids to lie and go under the radar.

Refusing to acknowledge that a 17yo is almost an adult is just going to destroy trust in the relationship. I've seen it time and time again - people who parent like this just create distance between themselves and their kids, even if they never realise it. They also lose the ability to set actual boundaries to keep their children safe because the trust is gone and the kids just presume that their parents are always unreasonably controlling.

It sounds like you’ve raised a educated, sensible, and empowered young woman. It’s not unreasonable to feel like you do, but she’s right.

OP you really took the advice on the chin! Even though not all of it was expressed kindly! You sound like a lovely mum!

I entirely reject this notion that there's a universal approach to parenting and building a bond with your own child. For every anecdote that reinforces your ideals, there are ones that contradict them.

Every individual, culture and social norms differ entirely. And normal functional relationships can emerge from all of them.

So no, my child couldn't, but each to their own.

Please, you don't have a daughter.

Who doesn't? Have we missed something?

You’ve just socked your mothers parenting skills right where the sun doesn’t shine & ensured history doesn’t repeat itself - WELL DONE 👍🏻