About DD staying over at a boy's house

[lilacclementine]

DD is 17. She's just out of an 18 month relationship and enjoying spending more time with friends and working for her A levels.

She's just announced that on Sat she was going to watch a sporting thing with a lad she's known for ages (they've been a bit flirty for a while) then they're going to go round to his and watch Christmas films and get a takeaway.
The kicker is she's planning on staying over as it's quite a long journey back and I can't get her.

I said no.

She said that I can't say that.

She also says that :

1. she's not planning on sleeping with him
2. she's pretty sensible and sober
3. she's 17 and doesn't think I have much of a say in this.

It's point 3 that bothers me. She's not planning a night of drunken foolishness (neither of them really drink because they both play sport quite seriously) but instead a takeaway and movies. She's very clear that she's not planning on doing anything but I've told her that plans change. Then she told me that if plans did change that would also be ok as she's 17, knows her own mind, and is safe.

It just feels so strange. Technically in a year she'll be at university doing whatever she likes but this feels strangely permissive.

AIBU?

"My darling DD, mummy had a knee-jerk reaction. I mean, it was only last week that I was changing your nappies. You'll understand this someday. Go, enjoy yourself, and remember I am only a phone call away if things go sideways. I love you, and want you to be both safe and happy."

Well, at her age, maybe not "mummy," but the gist remains.

Oh, I think with a couple of posters on this thread they definitely still have their teenager calling them 'mummy'

To be perfectly honest, my boys are now men, at 40 and 41, and STILL call me "mama" (USA) when things are really bad, or they're sick. I hear "Mama" on the phone, and go into crisis mode.

Fantastic parenting 😂

There is no way my DM would have ever let me stay over at a boy's house at 17. But I would have lied to make it happen. I lied all the time as a teenager. My DM never had a clue as to where I really was.

Thank you

I'd assume my husband had a weird enmeshed relationship if he was calling his mum mummy/mama at 40 and wanting her because he is sick. Yuck.

she's not planning on sleeping with him

That may be the case, but he may have a different idea. He's a teenage lad and they generally think with their balls. Everyone seems to be aware that he fancies her, so there's a distinct possibility that he will try and make a move. I presume they won't be there alone together though - his parents are going to be home?

I think trying to stop her from going would be unreasonable. But I would be pointing out that whilst he might come across as the nicest lad you can imagine, that might change if they're alone together. Make sure she's clear that she shouldn't let herself feel pressured into something and give her some tips on what to do in an emergency. At least let the thought get into her head that she might find herself in a situation she's uncomfortable in.

I had this with my mother, when I was 19!stated over with some uni friends (3 of them all male) because it was safer then waiting for last bus at midnight in dodgy part of town and we were skint . They were concerned for my safety she wasn’t, didn’t have sex we were only friends ( didn’t have sex until I was 21!) told her where I was and her reaction was so horrendous it ended our relationship . I think as she trusts you and told her you should let her just make sure she is ok and can contact you

Yes you have some issues to unpack. YABU. I agree with her point 3 the most!

Yabu she is 17 she could move out

My daughter is a couple of years younger and honestly, I’d rather the focus with her be on her personal safety. That means her being able to be honest as to where she is and who she’s with and when we should expect her home. I’ve told her when she moves out to uni or whatever, I hope she has a similar system with her friends so they can all try to keep themselves and each other safe.

She does still need permission to stay out btw at this age but when she’s 17, like I said above, I’d rather not be laying down the law with her and concentrate more on her being safe.

I would also say no to this at 17, she's still a minor and you still have PR until she's 18.

I have a 16 year old and the answer would be a firm no for sleeping over at a boyfriends house.

really sometimes 'my dear mama' does seem too formal 😅

SHe sounds like a lovely, sensible sporty girl. Give her the benefit of the doubt

You can tell which posters commenting still have kids in nappies and no idea of the teenage years

Your dd sounds sensible op, its really good she is speaking to you about it.
My ds's 16 yo girlfriend has just spent the last 2 nights here, they are both sensible kids and I would much rather have them safe under my roof.

I have an almost 19 year old and a 16 year old and have the same views. When my youngest is 18 then it's up to her where she spends her nights but her boyfriend won't be able to stop at our house overnight

So it's up to her where she spends her nights? Could be at her boyfriends, could be somewhere unsafe putting herself at risk.....but you'd rather that than let her boyfriend stay over even when she's 18?

@Briie When she's 18 yes but I would still like to know where she is and if she is safe. She's only 16 at the minute though and the answer would be no to staying overnight at a boyfriends house. I remember when I was 19 and engaged, my fiancé and I were living with my dad. We slept in separate bedrooms due to not being married (his rules) but I respected it.

I have a daughter and can imagine I will be thinking the same as you when she is 17 and has a boyfriend or says she is staying at a boys house! However when i look back at myself being 17 I was sensible, but I was having sex and there would have been nothing my mum could do to stop me, you can't lock her up at home, that will backfire on you. Best thing to do is trust what she is saying and teach her safe sex and boundaries etc.

@PepsiMaxAholic oh right it's just that you said even when she's 18 she can stay where she wants but her boyfriend can't stay over.

As long as the guy is aged 17-18 then what is the issue? She is over the age of consent. If he was older than 20 then I’d wonder what a grown man is doing around a girl who recently left secondary school. Your Dd will just get better at lying and won’t tell anyone where she is. Hopefully she is on the pill/implant.

So you literally mean no sleepovers at all ? With their friends at a younger age with parental supervision ? That sounds quite unusual. Or do you just mean no to the staying over at 16/17 where there is possibly alcohol or no parents ?

You are being ridiculous and massively UR.

Next time, she will stay with her friend "Jenny" and you will be out of the loop. If you say no to reasonable requests as teenagers, they will lie and do it anyway.