About DD staying over at a boy's house

[lilacclementine]

DD is 17. She's just out of an 18 month relationship and enjoying spending more time with friends and working for her A levels.

She's just announced that on Sat she was going to watch a sporting thing with a lad she's known for ages (they've been a bit flirty for a while) then they're going to go round to his and watch Christmas films and get a takeaway.
The kicker is she's planning on staying over as it's quite a long journey back and I can't get her.

I said no.

She said that I can't say that.

She also says that :

1. she's not planning on sleeping with him
2. she's pretty sensible and sober
3. she's 17 and doesn't think I have much of a say in this.

It's point 3 that bothers me. She's not planning a night of drunken foolishness (neither of them really drink because they both play sport quite seriously) but instead a takeaway and movies. She's very clear that she's not planning on doing anything but I've told her that plans change. Then she told me that if plans did change that would also be ok as she's 17, knows her own mind, and is safe.

It just feels so strange. Technically in a year she'll be at university doing whatever she likes but this feels strangely permissive.

AIBU?

In fairness me too!

YANBU.

My daughter certainly would not be permitted to do such a thing at 17. And if she ever said I can't tell her what to do, then I'd tell her good luck finding her own place.

Can you not find a middle ground OP? Say it's okay if she checks in with you, and maybe offer to pay for a taxi if she decides she wants to come home?

That way you're still applying some boundaries to the situation. But open to giving her the freedom too?

Lemme guess, your baby's 10 months old? 😂

But.... as people have pointed out, we have a great relationship. She's open, doesn't lie, makes sensible choices and is a lovely person. I'm super proud of who she's becoming.

Me telling her no wouldn't stop her having sex if she wants to - as people have pointed out she's over the age of consent and sex doesn't have to happen at night!

I think your approach would just lead to her being less safe and lying. Also- using homelessness as a threat when an almost adult doesn't do what you say feels a bit off.

I had an instinctive knee jerk reaction. We had a discussion.
I felt "off" about my stance and checked the MN hive mind and yup, I have more thinking to do.

I get where you’re coming from OP - it’s down to our upbringing, mine was the same. It made me never tell my mother anything.
It sounds like you have a lovely open relationship with your DD - don’t spoil it.

Lemme guess, your baby's 10 months old?😄

I never understood this mindset that teenagers can only have sex at night when they sleepover. People can have sex at any time of the day, if they want to they will 😂. Plus at 17 whatever she chooses to do with her free time is truly up to her, as long as she is safe then who cares. Make sure you’re available in case she feels uncomfortable & wants to come home & allow her to spread her wings a bit.

Her and her age are independent of the values and principles I have.

I respect some people take a more laxed approach once their children are teenagers, but there are many cultures where you continue to guide and educate your children further indy adulthood

She's right. By 17 I'd moved out and been living with a boy for a while.

Naturally every parent has their own approach - I just personally just wouldn't tolerate that behaviour or attitude.

I mean she's telling exactly where she's going, with who and what her expectation is in terms of staying over. I understand your concern but as you've said - they've been talking/flirting for a while so she's not just going off and jumping into bed with anyone - which at uni is likely on nights out etc.

She sounds sensible, she's been honest with you - and yes, plans change - but she's clearly clued up and if you're concerned about sex (which she will have had in her last relationship potentially?) then as long as she knows the risks and is on contraception and is as open in terms of who she spends her time with, I'd trust her.

Honestly, until my own girls are this age I'll never understand but from personal experience (as a sensible teen, my parents never trusted me even though they had no reason not to), but I hope to god my daughters feel able to tell me their plans and feel obliged to explain them in such a sensible manner.

When I was in halls of residence there was a rule that boys in your hall had no curfew and boys from other halls had an 11pm curfew. Hysterical!

I thought it was doing so well, but as someone wisely pointed out upthread it's hard to shake upbringing.

With her 18 month relationship we had some really frank discussions and I think (well, hope) that I helped. I even went with her to help advocate after a pretty terrible first appointment with the doctor talking about contraception!

I honestly shocked myself with the string "no!"

How old is your child?

If that's your view, great. You'll have a really easy time of alienating any dc by the time they're 18.

It's difficult, and the answer is different depending on circumstance. When I as seventeen, I was dating a 26 year old (very, very hot male). Fairly sure that shouldn't have been encouraged.

A seventeen year old dating someone of similar age, that's fine in my view.

Blah blah blah

I think your daughter’s honesty with you is proof you’ve been doing well! It’s a testament to the relationship you’ve built with her, I only hope if I ever have a daughter I can have the same.

Maybe talk to her about your apprehensions, why you initially said no, and why after thinking about it you realise she is an adult and you respect her right to make these decisions herself.

Honestly, your 7mo PFB will not always be this easy to "guide and educate".

If this is the worst your 17yo does you will be extremely lucky.

What exactly is wrong with her behaviour and attitude? I'm genuinely not sure

@BabyOnBoard90

17 year olds have sex. It's perfectly normal. Calm down.

She could be a career criminal if she likes, doesn't mean I'll tolerate it.

I'm not expecting a child to be a Saint, but I do expect boundaries to be respected.

How do you plan on preparing your child for adulthood in that case? Would you tell them they can't have sex, if they approach you regarding contraception advice? Will you tell them absolutely no experimenting with alcohol until 18? No, staying out past 10pm? The reality is that if they go off to uni then they'd be woefully unprepared and potentially extremely vulnerable to bad situations.

I don't think I said at any point I'd be able to stop them having sex

Wow! Best of luck with that!