About DD staying over at a boy's house

[lilacclementine]

DD is 17. She's just out of an 18 month relationship and enjoying spending more time with friends and working for her A levels.

She's just announced that on Sat she was going to watch a sporting thing with a lad she's known for ages (they've been a bit flirty for a while) then they're going to go round to his and watch Christmas films and get a takeaway.
The kicker is she's planning on staying over as it's quite a long journey back and I can't get her.

I said no.

She said that I can't say that.

She also says that :

1. she's not planning on sleeping with him
2. she's pretty sensible and sober
3. she's 17 and doesn't think I have much of a say in this.

It's point 3 that bothers me. She's not planning a night of drunken foolishness (neither of them really drink because they both play sport quite seriously) but instead a takeaway and movies. She's very clear that she's not planning on doing anything but I've told her that plans change. Then she told me that if plans did change that would also be ok as she's 17, knows her own mind, and is safe.

It just feels so strange. Technically in a year she'll be at university doing whatever she likes but this feels strangely permissive.

AIBU?

Hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t have to be night time to have sex 😬 YABU but I know my husband will feel the same when my daughters are 17. Glad she’s sensible though—that’s 9/10th of the battle.

When I was 17, I just discovered new friends through work and some 10 years older than me. My parents tried to forbid be from seeing them, I wasn't allowed out anywhere. It made me run away once and resent them and lieing where I was saying I was with school friends when I was with new friends. The day I turned out 18 was amazing and told them to get stuffed and went off the rails big time. Something to think on. Good luck x

Sorry but yes YABU. She sounds a lot more clued up than I was at 17. She’s been honest with you and as you say, she’s not much of a drinker. She’s known this boy a long time do it’s not like he’s a stranger. And whether or not it’s platonic she’s old enough to know her own mind. My parents WERE very Victorian in their values but my mother would always say she didn’t want to hear the details about what I was doing but she did always want to know where I was and if I badly needed a lift I could call any time if I had to. She was very wise in that respect because she knew a teenager would do whatever the hell they wanted to regardless do it was better to have her on side. And it worked for us. She’s not a little girl any more and you need to trust her.

Sounds like you've raised a sensible daughter.

Glad you managed to support her.

Glad you have acknowledged you are a little unreasonable. You sound a great mum btw and just carry on with what you’re doing - talking!

You're so lucky to have an open and honest daughter. You've obviously got a great relationship.
I have an adult child and know just how difficult it can be to cut those ties but it sounds like that's exactly what you need to do.
Good luck.

Hopefully she will have a lovely time. Because you've had a chat and sort of given your consent for her to stay over and give her an option to get home should she need it, she won't have to lie if anything goes wrong and she needs help. You've left the door open for more communication on the matter should she need it and she'll respect the trust between you both.
Hope you both have a lovely evening

This!

I'm with you on this really.

Boys for damn sure aren't at 17, its the saftey aspect and while I agree with most saying no she'll just rebel, you've done what I would do, say yes but with a heavy caution about protection and a get out plan, like you've done.

I'm sorry, but those who just see this as a freedom issue for a young adult are missing the point, young boys vary widly in maturity and many a 'nice boy' has ended up being a monster.

I had a strict upbringing and did rebel at university, but was always mindful of my parents , so never went off the rails.

All the best op

Aww @lilacclementine I can totally relate covid seems to have made time stand still a little bit. My Dd is 18 and just at Uni- I suddenly realised she might want to be out and about doing young adultsy things on Christmas Eve, and not have our usual cosy time, the other day.

I try my hardest when struggling with conundrums like these to try and think back to 17 year old me...and I would have been absolutely delighted to be invited to a date like that, you handled it so well.

Whatttt? This is none if your business! How do you plan to stop her and why?

So you mentioned that your parents / own mum wouldn’t have allowed it. Hence this is a belief you have set up in your mind from your younger years. However times do change and these days as you have heard from other posters - your daughter is legally allowed to have sex and this can happen anywhere at any time and probably already has. ( sorry but being realistic here!)

I completely empathise with your feelings as it’s so hard to let go of our eldest especially and those 3 years between 15 and nearly 18 go so quickly. However the best gift you can give your daughter is your trust. Keeping a good relationship with her means she will stay open to talking to you / bringing her worries to you and therefore more likely to take your caring advice and opinion. I’ve heard the analogy that the childhood years are like being a ‘Manager’ but the teen years you become a ‘Consultant’ in the process.

The pace that young people want to separate from their parents is often much faster than their parents ability to keep up with the change. Obviously, if you feel she is in danger on other occasions with her choices ( this one really doesn’t sound like it) then of course you must tell her your feelings and concerns. However she needs to start being able to evaluate her own situations and make the right decisions. That is what creates a strong and confident young woman. If I was you I’d let her know it’s fine but also that if she ever felt uncomfortable she can call you at any point. We have a code word in my house and I’d be straight there. If you have trust between you she will have shared the address. I have found it also helps to meet the other person first - sorry I’m not sure if you have or not. Usually also I would have hoped you have sat down with her on many occasions prior to talk about things like consent and the value of her own body. Our biggest role as a parent is to help our child develop so they eventually separate and become independent of us. If we helicopter them they become anxious and unable to make good decisions when we are not there. And we will not be there forever.

I get it. I have a teen daughter and I know how headstrong they can be. I was once a teen and I know what I was like. But, YABU. As hard as it is you need to let her make her own decisions, she's not a baby anymore and doesn't need your permission for things she wants to do, unless of course its under your roof then it's your rules.

She sounds pretty sensible so I'm sure it will all be fine. Better she's staying over than trying to treck home. And even if she was going to sleep with him surely it's better that she's under a safe roof than under a bus shelter 🤔.

Whilst she lives at your house she lives by your rules. It’s totally fine to not allow sleepovers but obviously at her age, lack of sleepovers doesn’t mean lack of sex. If you’re trying to deny her sex then that’s foolish. But if you want her home for her own safety to keep an eye on her and so you aren’t awake worried all night that’s also totally fine. Your DD sounds very sensible but at 17 on “sleepovers” I wasn’t always where I said I was and was in some very dangerous vulnerable situations that my parents knew nothing about.

@BabyOnBoard90 you do realise that if she wanted to have sex at someones house, she would? Your house your rules but once she under someone else's roof it's their rules.

I slept with my first BF at 16. We then spent the next 5 years together and were engaged with a house. I'm now married with two kids and never turned into a reprobate because I slept with someone at 16.

I think the whole unfolding of this situation modelled honesty, self-reflection, and really good listening for your DD. That in itself is a win.

I’m assuming from the “bit yet an adult” responses that you mentioned somewhere that you live in a country where 18 is the legal age of adulthood. I’m in Scotland where it’s 16, and to me it makes sense that the age of consent and age of legal adulthood are aligned

At 17 I stayed at a boyfriends house. But they're not together are they so don't see a reason why she would stay? Meet up yes but staying I wouldn't agree with. At 18 she can do what she wants

I don't have DDs, but with either a DD or my DSs I'd make sure they had condoms, no matter what the 'plan' was. Plans can change and it's best to be prepared. Even if DD is on another form of contraception, it doesn't protect against STDs. And if she's not, there is no way she should rely on anyone but herself to protect herself.

My mother kicked off about a very similar situation when I was a similar age to your daughter. It did, in my opinion, irreparable damage to our relationship. I’ve never really told her anything since. Be very careful.

My question would be; "who else will be there apart from you and boy"?

One to one I'd expect her to hold her own and be fine.

as only girl among a gang of his older brothers male mates with booze ..... Mm hm.

Well done OP

Sounds like brilliant parenting to me 👍👍

Good for you

I left home at 15 so the idea of telling my dd what she can do at 17 seems absurd. So hard letting them make their own choices but you need to bite your tongue and let her decide for herself.