About DD staying over at a boy's house

[lilacclementine]

DD is 17. She's just out of an 18 month relationship and enjoying spending more time with friends and working for her A levels.

She's just announced that on Sat she was going to watch a sporting thing with a lad she's known for ages (they've been a bit flirty for a while) then they're going to go round to his and watch Christmas films and get a takeaway.
The kicker is she's planning on staying over as it's quite a long journey back and I can't get her.

I said no.

She said that I can't say that.

She also says that :

1. she's not planning on sleeping with him
2. she's pretty sensible and sober
3. she's 17 and doesn't think I have much of a say in this.

It's point 3 that bothers me. She's not planning a night of drunken foolishness (neither of them really drink because they both play sport quite seriously) but instead a takeaway and movies. She's very clear that she's not planning on doing anything but I've told her that plans change. Then she told me that if plans did change that would also be ok as she's 17, knows her own mind, and is safe.

It just feels so strange. Technically in a year she'll be at university doing whatever she likes but this feels strangely permissive.

AIBU?

Every night? So no going to friends, no staying at grandparents, no residential trips, no holidays?

sorry, YABU. You have to trust that you have brought her up to be sensible. 17 is well old enough to decide these things for herself.

It's hard, but you have to let them live their lives

She's 17.
Legally she can sleep with a hundred different blokes a night and there's Bob all you can do about it.
You don't get to say no to another adult, which is what she is for her choices outside the home.
Stop being so controlling.

I respect some people take a more laxed approach once their children are teenagers, but there are many cultures where you continue to guide and educate your children further indy adulthood

that is guide and educate not dictate what they can do. I had fairly lax perenting because my parents trusted me, i was a very relaxed parent to teenagers and they were fine.
If you bring your children up to have a good open and trusting relationship there is no need to worry. If you are from a culture that thinks it needs to control people, meh. You make a rod for your own back.

I'm not expecting a child to be a Saint, but I do expect boundaries to be respected.

just the girls, or the boys too?

I think it’s ok to feel apprehensive as you don’t really know the boy, I would have a chat about her safety and about the possibility of a codeword she could text you if she felt uncomfortable/unsafe?

I stayed out at her age but it was only to my boyfriends house/friends houses, my parents didn’t really know the friends I was staying out with but I was also always with another friend or current bf so they didn’t need to worry so much.

So.... apart from a couple of notable exceptions (!) most people fell on the side of telling me I was being unreasonable. Frankly the exceptions didn't sound like we parented the same way at all which made me think. I'm very low contact with my
Mum who parented the same way as the exceptions: do as I say, threats of being thrown out, her way or the highway, obsession with me being a "good girl". I lied and lied as a teenager and a young woman and our relationship has never recovered. I've never shared anything of my life with her and she wonders why me and my sister avoid her.

Anyway, I'm a grown up. I can take it. This was why I posted- DD and I are usually on the sane page about most things now so this caught me unawares. I got up early in the cold and offered her a lift to 7.30am conditioning training. We have our best conversations in the car!

I stressed the safety aspect- she might have one plan about the evening but he might have a different one. She's 5foot 3 and 7 .5 stone. He's 6 foot 2 and plays rugby. Initially she was quite offended on his behalf but eventually I think she understood my anxiety. We now have a code word, plus she's now been added to the family Uber account so if she needs/ wants to come home we will find the £40+ for the trip. She did stress though that he's nice, has been respectful so far as to her boundaries and she's known him and his whole group of friends for years.

So- she's going and I'm getting used to my new, very-nearly-a-proper-adult daughter. On her way out of the car she magnanimously said she's forgotten to eat her advent calendar chocolate today so I could have it.
Proper adult!

That's lovely - good for you 🙂

Well done @lilacclementine! And in teen language 'you can have my advent calendar chocolate' translates into 'thanks Mum, you're the greatest, love you' (in case you didn't know)!

What are her boyfriends parents like? Can you have a chat with them?
I have a 17 yr old and don't want her sleeping with her boyfriend yet.... I don't care if she's over 16....

@lilacclementine your update really made me smile. Lovely, well done!

It really does!
@lilacclementine what a mature DD you have.

@lilacclementine both you and your daughter sound lovely and indeed you can have my advent chocolate is the highest accolade.

I hope he lives up to her expectations and she has a lovely time. But I think your concerns do you credit. Well done for articulating them and making a plan.

YABU, she’s 17. You’re right in another year she could be at Uni doing whatever she likes.

I agree with you, except she is isn't legally an adult until 18. However, in reality you can't tell a 16/17 year old what to do or not do, only guide them in making their own decisions (sometimes bribery can work though!)

OP, I am a bit late to the party but just want to say that you sound like a lovely mum and your daughter sounds as if she's inherited it too.

My youngest child (also a DD) has just turned 18 and I've had my share of kneejerk reactions to things (most of which I've managed to keep to myself), so I know how you feel.

(BTW I was not allowed to share a bed at my parents' house with my parter of 8 years when we were 30...)

This is a shame. Having grown up with very similar- not being able to discuss anything with my mum at age 16/17/18, being expected to never have any physical relationship until marriage etc, being told at 15 that I could get cancer if I had sex or ruin my body by putting chemicals in it if I took contraception. When I needed contraception at 18 after being in a relationship since 17 (and lasted until 21), it all had to be done in secret. I was told that if I got pregnant I would be made to leave. When I had to have a colposcopy at 22, I felt ashamed and again kept it a secret (back then you were called from 21 for a smear). I now have a lot of issues as a 40 something adult around sex and relationships and feel a lot stem from this.

It sounds like OP has a fantastic relationship with her daughter. I hope to have the same with my girls.

@lilacclementine

I'm glad the car chat went well. Well done-bring a mum to teenagers is a tough gig!!!

I liked your update. The part where you said this:

I lied and lied as a teenager and a young woman

stuck out a lot, that's basically the path you were writing with your daughter by not letting her do stuff. The most well behaved children in the world still rebel when being told no when they are old enough to make sensible decisions themselves. Glad you let her go, you sound like you have a great relationship with her x

Code word is a great idea, I used it a couple of times as a teenager
Once was at a nightclub and there was a shooting, rang my dad and managed to sob the code word at him and he was already on his way (had heard about it)
If I rang him now and said it, he would be keys in hand and ready to go

So.....would your daughter be allowed to do this at 18?

I'm really glad you've done what you've done- you sound like a really supportive parent, OP.

FWIW, when I was a bit older (early 20s), I went to stay with a male school friend after a nasty break up- I thought he just wanted to be a supportive friend, he had other ideas, and really tried to pressure me into sex. I was able to leave, as I had my own money, and I knew the area well, so knew where would be busy and I could get a taxi on a Saturday night.

It sounds awful, but a lot of rape/sexual assault does come from someone known to the victim, not a stranger.

I'm sure he's a really nice lad, but it's good she has an exit plan- and even if she doesn't need it now, it's still there for the future.

I have also seen some similar situations with sixth formers at the school where I work, so it does make me wary.

I do also think it's worth talking about the dynamics of sex in this sort of situation- what happens if one of them wants more and the other doesn't? What's going to be the impact on their friendship group?

You are not being unreasonable, you are being extremely unreasonable. She’s 17 for goodness sake. And what’s more you even say he’s nice and seems polite.

Perhaps this is something you should be encouraging!

It sounds as if you have a reasonable relationship with her, why drive her away?

When l was 17 l was doing the same thing. I’m in my 40s now and didn’t grow horns out my forehead.

My children are only 5 and 7 but you sound like the kind of parent I hope to be in a decade OP. It’s not easy to admit when you don’t get something right but it is such a positive example to set.
Love this heartwarming thread!

I can see how it's a dilemma for you, but you've raised her well. She has been open and honest with you and if you don't handle this correctly you might find that she shuts down on you in future. It's your job to counsel her and make sure that she understands how to stay safe and re-iterating what consent means to her/you. The compromise here is that you explain that you're worried about her being safe and you arrange to check in with each other. You have to consider whether it's time to give her that trust. She trusted you to speak to you about this and as OP have said, she could have lied.