About DD staying over at a boy's house

[lilacclementine]

DD is 17. She's just out of an 18 month relationship and enjoying spending more time with friends and working for her A levels.

She's just announced that on Sat she was going to watch a sporting thing with a lad she's known for ages (they've been a bit flirty for a while) then they're going to go round to his and watch Christmas films and get a takeaway.
The kicker is she's planning on staying over as it's quite a long journey back and I can't get her.

I said no.

She said that I can't say that.

She also says that :

1. she's not planning on sleeping with him
2. she's pretty sensible and sober
3. she's 17 and doesn't think I have much of a say in this.

It's point 3 that bothers me. She's not planning a night of drunken foolishness (neither of them really drink because they both play sport quite seriously) but instead a takeaway and movies. She's very clear that she's not planning on doing anything but I've told her that plans change. Then she told me that if plans did change that would also be ok as she's 17, knows her own mind, and is safe.

It just feels so strange. Technically in a year she'll be at university doing whatever she likes but this feels strangely permissive.

AIBU?

If that's your justification for encouraging underage experimentation then more power to you.

My ideals clearly differ

Cheers 😘

So what the hell are you talking about then? You can’t stop them, as you admit, by upthread you said My daughter certainly would not be permitted to do such a thing at 17.

I think you’re acting sanctimoniously and spouting rubbish honestly.

Genuinely don't care what you think tbh

Because you can’t explain how in one breath you’re saying you wouldn’t allow it and then in the next admitting you couldn’t stop it.

I probably had those ideals when my daughter was seven months too. Things become much more complex when they become teens. Mine weren’t sexually active at this age. But I think I would have struggled to ‘ban’ them if they had wanted opposite sex sleepovers. I don’t think it would have been good for our ongoing relationship.

You can bring them up a certain way with boundaries. But if they then want to ‘disobey’ you, it’s still better to keep talking to them and not being too authoritarian after 16 I think.

I wouldn’t let my 17 year sleep over at a boys house, and I wouldn’t allow a boy to sleep over at our house.
Everyone is right though. She is almost an adult and over the age of consent. It is hard to accept your baby becoming an adult and letting go, but then I suppose that’s a “me/you” problem and not a daughter problem. One more year somehow get used to this. I’m on your side 😉

Saying I wouldn't allow my daughter to stay over at a boy's house or speak to me in such a manner, is clearly distinct from physically barring her from engaging in sex.

Don't blame me for your inadequate comprehension

Yep, they clearly do. My Dd is now 24, works full time, lives in a nice home with her partner of 7yrs, doesn't drink alcohol, and doesn't use drugs. So I'd say I'm pretty chuffed with how it's all panned out

Rightttt, so she can have sex just not in the safety and privacy of her friend/boyfriend’s home? Got it.

YABVU.

Whatever works for your children, is what works for them.

I don't accept its authoritarian to disallow opposite sex sleep overs, but even if it objectively is - its still not something I'd be permit a 17 year old.

Sounds like you have a good relationship. If she wants to have sex she will-best to discuss contraception and consent than try and ban it

That's really good for you. Glad it worked out

What if your kids are gay and want same sex sleepovers? Anything is possible…

Who knows, I don't intend to be making the arrangements.

Not quite, although I agree in this case OP is in the wrong. If, for example, she had sex for money/drink/drugs, she would be considered a victim of child sexual exploitation. If she was in porn, it would be considered child sexual exploitation/abuse material. So, yes, she's an adult in some ways I suppose, but not legally.

Either way, I was living in my own at that point

Yep, same here.

I'm actually surprised at the number of posters saying OP is being unreasonable.

Only thing I'd add to pp is that if something happened that she wasnt comfortable with, she would be less likely to tell you and get some support if you'd tried to talk her out of it.

A lot of us have probably been there, when a boy / man who we've thought was a good friend, took advantage of us when we were vulnerable (like asleep at his house). I'd be making sure in those situations she has the confidence to stand up for herself, use clear words to stop him and not worry about hurting his feelings.

But if she wants to sleep with him...then fine

I thought you were going to say she was 14!

I think YABabitU.

BabyOnBoard90 · Today 22:26

YANBU.

My daughter certainly would not be permitted to do such a thing at 17. And if she ever said I can't tell her what to do, then I'd tell her good luck finding her own place.

Yep, same here.

I'm actually surprised at the number of posters saying OP is being unreasonable
.............

Its not that I'd want to encourage it. But pragmatically...out of my friends at that age, the parents who would have said no to that kind of thing, had the teens who would lie about being out with friends while they were off at some random guys house or car that no one had any idea where it was, and ended up being in unsafe situations.

Your daughter and this boy sound sensible and very nice young people, op. I understand your concern but it is really nothing to do with you. She says she is safe; believe her. Your little girl is almost grown up! Don't question her, just be the mum she loves and can talk to. I'm sure all will be well.

Your daughter is the one who’ll be doing it in cars in dark car parks then.

Sounds like you speak from experience

Mmmm I actually think it could be more complex. I was sleeping over at 17 and it was fine (now my DH!)
However one of my friends has a teenager who's just turned 19, and when she was 17 she went to stay over at a boy's house overnight and really bad things happened. The boy basically knew he had her "trapped" for a prolonged period of time She's still recovering now and I don't think she'll ever get over it - she's repeatedly asked her mum (my friend) why on earth she allowed her to stay over and didn't insist on coming and picking her up, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. It depends how well you know the boy, and not only the boy but also his family etc.