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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop taking our dog to see his ex-owner?

222 replies

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:07

So 14 months ago I took on a dog whose owner was moving into a care home. It was a social media plea from her children and it came with the stipulation that they would like the dog to visit their mum regularly etc which was fine (we didn’t sign a contract or anything, more of a verbal agreement and the dog’s microchip is now legally signed over to me). I live around 40-45 minutes away and have been visiting every month since.

My circumstances have now changed though, new jobs and working days and hours and also a lot of illness with my child requiring hospital investigations etc and I’m now struggling to commit to that visit because it usually takes up at least half a day. I’ve said I can try and visit every 6-8 weeks instead so she doesn’t stop seeing the dog completely but her family have started getting really funny over it, although I don’t think they can legally do anything about it?

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Bunda · 06/12/2022 19:12

I think it's a bit unreasonable tbh. You agreed but yes things change. But it doesn't sound like much has changed just life getting in the way.

Yourwan · 06/12/2022 19:13

Could they pick up the dog and bring it to visit their relative?

Original poster
DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:14

Bunda · 06/12/2022 19:12

I think it's a bit unreasonable tbh. You agreed but yes things change. But it doesn't sound like much has changed just life getting in the way.

My child has suddenly developed an ongoing medical issue and condition… I would say that’s a pretty big life change don’t you?

OP posts:
Original poster
DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:15

Yourwan · 06/12/2022 19:13

Could they pick up the dog and bring it to visit their relative?

I’ve offered that to them but they said they can’t do that because they don’t have the time and don’t live that locally to their mother anymore…

OP posts:
Saucery · 06/12/2022 19:15

YABU. Yes, it’s a verbal agreement but morally I think moving visits to every 2 months is wrong. Could you manage every 5 weeks?

PacificallyRequested · 06/12/2022 19:16

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say you'll still visit every couple of months. I would perhaps (kindly) offer the family the choice between that, or stopping coming altogether and let the lady say goodbye to her former dog, and see what they'd prefer. If they realise it's every two months or nothing they might be a bit more accommodating. If they'd wanted to guarantee that she'd still see the dog regularly, one of them could have rehomed it.

TheTartfulLodger · 06/12/2022 19:16

I suppose it depends upon the specific agreement. If you specifically agreed you would honour their wishes with regular visits and they now feel you are reneging on that then I can understand why they may feel a little let down. Obviously you have priorities and a lot going on but is it just while you have other things to do, or do you just not want to do it anymore in general? Personally I think I would have found it difficult to keep it going because as time goes on naturally the dog will start to feel more yours than thiers. If they specifically asked for someone who would honour these visits and you specifically said you could then it is bound to be awkward when that is no longer possible.

StaceySolomonSwash · 06/12/2022 19:16

Your circumstances have changed and you now can't keep to the arrangement. You promised in good faith, but shit happens. It's not a Dog-share! Just say that the arrangement no longer works for you and it's finishing on (date).

SnarkyBag · 06/12/2022 19:16

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable they could come and collect the dog and bring him back if it means that much to them though I suspect they don’t want the inconvenience. Funny isn’t how no one from this poor ladies family would keep the dog and bring to visit regularly yet they expect a complete stranger to keep up with an informal agreement regardless of changes in circumstances

secular39 · 06/12/2022 19:17

I don't know why the other posters are saying YABU. But I probably would not have agreed to this agreement in the first place. I would only consider the idea if I was being paid to look after the dog, or the relatives would pick the dog up and let it see the relative. But YANBU. If you no longer can do it give the dog back to the owners.

TourmalineGiraffe · 06/12/2022 19:18

I think this is bizarre.

If the family couldn't or wouldn't take the dog on and commit to this arrangement themselves they really have no right to pressure you.

Each visit you make is a very kind gift, should not be a pressure and needs to fit into your life.

TheTartfulLodger · 06/12/2022 19:18

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:14

My child has suddenly developed an ongoing medical issue and condition… I would say that’s a pretty big life change don’t you?

Show quote history

Then you need to consider is another person may be more suitable for the task you accepted now that you have had a significant change of circumstances.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 06/12/2022 19:19

Imo break contact. What if their circumstances change and they start demanding ddog back? Dangerous road imo.

iknowwheretheothersockgoes · 06/12/2022 19:19

I'm so sorry to hear about your DC, OP. I hope you are getting the right support.

I think it's totally understandable in your position and I think I would do the same.

It's not nice for the previous owner, but circumstances change.

PacificallyRequested · 06/12/2022 19:20

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:15

I’ve offered that to them but they said they can’t do that because they don’t have the time and don’t live that locally to their mother anymore…

Show quote history

In that case, fuck 'em. If they can't be bothered to do that for their mum, why should you put yourself out?

TheTartfulLodger · 06/12/2022 19:21

secular39 · 06/12/2022 19:17

I don't know why the other posters are saying YABU. But I probably would not have agreed to this agreement in the first place. I would only consider the idea if I was being paid to look after the dog, or the relatives would pick the dog up and let it see the relative. But YANBU. If you no longer can do it give the dog back to the owners.

I think they probably think it's unreasonable because the dog wasn't willingly given up by its owner and that would have been an enormous emotional wrench in itself. The owner went into a care home and looked for a new owner who could offer a specific arrangement which is no longer happening.

MadeofElephantStone · 06/12/2022 19:22

You've been very generous facilitating that much contact. The dog is legally yours and can do as you please. If the lady's family wanted her to see the dog regularly then they should have assumed ownership themselves but I doubt they wanted the burden of a dog to care for. That's the risk you take when you rehomed pets, you lose any rights to access them. If it doesn't work or you anymore then stop and spend that precious time with your child.

biscuitcat · 06/12/2022 19:22

I find it odd that people are objecting so much to this - you've had a huge change in circumstance and have offered a reasonable compromise, both in terms of still visiting but less frequently or for them to pick up the dog. At the end of the day, if their mother still seeing the dog was such a priority then they should have kept it themselves.

BeardieWeirdie · 06/12/2022 19:23

I can’t believe a PP thinks you should re-home the poor dog again so that someone else could take DDog to its ex-ex-owner more frequently than a couple of months. I think an offer of an offer every couple of months is more than generous - many would be grateful for a doggy photo and update at Christmas.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2022 19:24

Frankly you were insane to agree to this. I mean seriously there would always be a time it would just be a lot.

Set boundaries and if they're that bothered, they can do the 'off' month.

Sunsetintheeast · 06/12/2022 19:24

TheTartfulLodger · 06/12/2022 19:18

Then you need to consider is another person may be more suitable for the task you accepted now that you have had a significant change of circumstances.

Show quote history

Bloody hell! Really? Planet earth a bit tough for you?

PrettyMuchBollocks · 06/12/2022 19:24

I think I’d tell them I would aim to visit every 2-3 months, and will send them (previous owner or one of their relatives) a fortnightly video of the dog enjoying a walk/game/play with the kids. That way they can still watch their dog having fun. It’s unreasonable of them to expect you to drive an hour and a half, plus visiting time more frequently in your current circumstances.

VillanellesCoat · 06/12/2022 19:24

Sprouttreesareamazing · 06/12/2022 19:19

Imo break contact. What if their circumstances change and they start demanding ddog back? Dangerous road imo.

Valid point.
OP you began this in good faith. Your circumstances have changed. It’s not like you just couldn’t be bothered.

I suspect maybe the family are feeling a bit guilty - their mom in a care home, unable to keep her (now your) dog, and they live away so maybe can’t/won’t visit often. They’re possibly projecting that onto you letting their mom down.

You’re not letting anyone down. You’ve offered them the opportunity to borrow your dog and they’ve turned that down. Just as they are prioritising their needs, you need to prioritise your child’s needs.

CockSpadget · 06/12/2022 19:25

YANBU at all imo. The family should be bloody grateful that you have consistently taken the dog for visits, for the length of time you have. You have more pressing issues to deal with right now. If it’s that important to the family that their relative sees the dog, one of them can help out with visits.
All the best to your little one.

Sunsetintheeast · 06/12/2022 19:25

Plus they can’t find the time, but you should?! The cheek of that.

sounds like you are kind and caring to me OP.