Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop taking our dog to see his ex-owner?

222 replies

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:07

So 14 months ago I took on a dog whose owner was moving into a care home. It was a social media plea from her children and it came with the stipulation that they would like the dog to visit their mum regularly etc which was fine (we didn’t sign a contract or anything, more of a verbal agreement and the dog’s microchip is now legally signed over to me). I live around 40-45 minutes away and have been visiting every month since.

My circumstances have now changed though, new jobs and working days and hours and also a lot of illness with my child requiring hospital investigations etc and I’m now struggling to commit to that visit because it usually takes up at least half a day. I’ve said I can try and visit every 6-8 weeks instead so she doesn’t stop seeing the dog completely but her family have started getting really funny over it, although I don’t think they can legally do anything about it?

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 06/12/2022 19:43

Tell them you will make every effort to get there when you can.

Then block them.

Prescottdanni123 · 06/12/2022 19:44

I really feel for the person in the care home. Feels like they had to give their dog up unwillingly due to circumstances completely beyond their control. But people have busy lives and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You have tried to compromise by only taking the dog to visit every 6-8 weeks and suggested that they pick the dog up and handle the visits more frequently. If their parent seeing the dog mattered to them so much, they would be bending over backwards to provide visits, I know I would be in their situation. Just be polite and firm. That you can only do 6-8 weeks.

CockSpadget · 06/12/2022 19:44

@TheTartfulLodger do you realise that dog rehoming centres are full to bursting, and healthy dogs are having to be euthanised because there is nowhere for them to go? The cost of living crisis has seen more dogs than ever being dumped on them. The probability of this dog being rehomed at the current time, with someone who will agree to these regular care home visits are slim to none. By your reasoning everyone who has multiple hospital appointments should rehome their dog. Don’t be daft.

FurAndFeathers · 06/12/2022 19:44

TheTartfulLodger · 06/12/2022 19:37

I'm a dog owner too and I'd be pretty pissed off if I had set up a social media search just to find someone who could take my dog on with a specific caveat that I had regular visits, to then be told tough luck love a few months later.

Show quote history

Well you’re a pretty crappy dog owner if you’d put your dog through multiple rehomings just do you can sporadically see it

and you have unreasonable expectations of strangers if you expect them to spend more time and effort facilitating the contact than you’re prepared to do

NameChange1718 · 06/12/2022 19:45

How old is the dog?
I would be worried that if you let them take it in the future they might not bring it back. I would offer them 3-4 times a year and videos every month or nothing at all.

The dog is yours now

Scotty12 · 06/12/2022 19:46

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You could offer them the dog back if it’s a problem for them. Otherwise there’s really not an awful lot more you can do. It’s not like you’re some kind of paid help.

Suzi888 · 06/12/2022 19:46

TourmalineGiraffe · 06/12/2022 19:18

I think this is bizarre.

If the family couldn't or wouldn't take the dog on and commit to this arrangement themselves they really have no right to pressure you.

Each visit you make is a very kind gift, should not be a pressure and needs to fit into your life.

I agree.

So sad for the lady and the dog- but the family should have taken the dog on if they wanted this arrangement. I am not sure I would have agreed to it in the first place. I juggle a lot as it is. Lucky dog that he has found another home.

dancingqueen123 · 06/12/2022 19:46

YANBU

Original poster
DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:47

TheTartfulLodger · 06/12/2022 19:18

Then you need to consider is another person may be more suitable for the task you accepted now that you have had a significant change of circumstances.

Show quote history

I’m definitely not re-homing my dog again - he is very settled and is a much loved member of our family!

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 06/12/2022 19:48

VillanellesCoat · 06/12/2022 19:25

I mean, in a nutshell, this 100%

Show quote history

Yep! Absolutely got a cheek telling you to do something they're not prepared to do themselves.

You did them a big favour taking the dog in the first place.

Newmumatlast · 06/12/2022 19:49

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:15

I’ve offered that to them but they said they can’t do that because they don’t have the time and don’t live that locally to their mother anymore…

Show quote history

Bit rich of them when they clearly cannot be bothered to put themselves out for their own mum. They are probably more mad that she now has a less frequent visitor putting the pressure on them... but they're her kids

Georgeskitchen · 06/12/2022 19:49

You need to be firm with them, OP.
Tell them you will visit with dog quarterly. If they wish more visits then they come and collect the dog themselves.
Then close the conversation down.

ArrrrrghStopLickingTheDog · 06/12/2022 19:50

Ignoring @TheTartfulLodger stupid comment , what has the previous owner said @DatingAdvice72 ? Do they understand your circumstances?
So sorry that your child is ill, it must be hard

Rhondaa · 06/12/2022 19:50

'So sad for the lady and the dog'

It is sad for the lady that her family won't help put however if I end up in a nursing home there is not a chance I'd expect a stranger to keep trawling through with a dog to see me.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 06/12/2022 19:53

They can't be arsed taking the dog to visit their mother but they expect you (with an unexpectedly poorly child) to do it for them.

Fuck that shit!!

CarefreeMe · 06/12/2022 19:54

I feel very sorry for the lady but you can’t help your circumstances changing.

I would do it every 6 weeks.

It’s only 2 extra weeks that she won’t see the dog but it will also make your life easier.

After a few months you could reduce it to every 8 weeks.

Original poster
DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:55

It does sometimes feel like they think the dog still belongs to their mum and I’m just ‘dog sitting’ which is obviously not the case since I pay for his whole upkeep, care for him, etc! I pay for the petrol there and back, they’ve never even offered etc which I didn’t mind or ever really think about until now…

I do feel sorry for her as she’s a lovely lady and I do think her kids have just dumped her in a home and then buggered off sort of thing, but equally he is settled in with our family now and he doesn’t particularly enjoy the journey in the car either if there is traffic and we get delayed or it’s very hot or cold weather wise, but we’ve kept it going because I know how much she enjoys the visits but it’s a question of are the visits actually benefiting the dog at all or potentially just causing stress for him?

I would feel absolutely awful cutting all contact though but if the family start getting hostile and I do have any concerns about them taking him back then I absolutely would!

I’ve never looked at it from these types of angles before so thank you for all the different perspectives!

Thank you for all the well wishes for my child too, hoping we get down to the bottom of it as soon as possible! X

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 06/12/2022 19:56

I'd stop going but I'd take photos of the dog and send them to her in a letter and keep her updated. Old people love letters. 🤷🏻‍♀️

YANBU though, sounds like the family can't be bothered to see her so wanted you to step in as replacement.

forrestgreen · 06/12/2022 19:56

It'd be nice to send over some photos every few months. But say due to family chronic illnesses it's not feasible any more.

Nevermind31 · 06/12/2022 19:58

Yanbu - it’s quite an ask of them to have someone else visit their mother regularly when they don’t plan to. You offered that they could take the dog on their regular visits - they declined - that’s on them. I suspect they wouldn’t actually have found many other people who would have accepted this stipulation.
also not sure how well the dog takes it to flip flop between owners.
your child and their medical needs come before an unrelated person.

Peashoots · 06/12/2022 20:00

Absolute cheek of them. They’re lucky the dog ended up in a living family home and should be grateful. Cheeky fuckers.
to the PP suggesting you need to rehome the dog 😂 😂 😂 on another planet mate.

Goldpaw · 06/12/2022 20:00

I feel sorry for the lady in the care home having to give up her dog and only being able to see it every month for a visit. And now, just over a year later, every 6-8 weeks.

Everyone else on the thread seems more concerned with you v. the family and what they could be doing.

The person most affected by this is the lady, not her family.

pechecreme · 06/12/2022 20:00

If it was that important to them, then they should have taken the dog on themselves or other family members.

Sadbeigechildren · 06/12/2022 20:01

It's really sad for them but you are reasonable to offer less frequent contact. They were very lucky to get you and should be doing it themselves. Best wishes for your child.

Hmmmm2018 · 06/12/2022 20:02

I initially thought you were being unreasonable but actually thinking it over I think you are being more than reasonable. Presumably if none of them can come and collect dog to take to the owner they are not local they presumably don't see her every month. I think they are passing their guilt at not visiting enough on to you. As your life circumstances have changed I think you would be ok to say it is not feasible anymore, it is not as if you are 5 minutes away and can just pop in. Suggest that they can have the dog back and do it themselves if that it what they want, bet they won't.