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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop taking our dog to see his ex-owner?

222 replies

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:07

So 14 months ago I took on a dog whose owner was moving into a care home. It was a social media plea from her children and it came with the stipulation that they would like the dog to visit their mum regularly etc which was fine (we didn’t sign a contract or anything, more of a verbal agreement and the dog’s microchip is now legally signed over to me). I live around 40-45 minutes away and have been visiting every month since.

My circumstances have now changed though, new jobs and working days and hours and also a lot of illness with my child requiring hospital investigations etc and I’m now struggling to commit to that visit because it usually takes up at least half a day. I’ve said I can try and visit every 6-8 weeks instead so she doesn’t stop seeing the dog completely but her family have started getting really funny over it, although I don’t think they can legally do anything about it?

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Quincythequince · 07/12/2022 18:02

Hoppinggreen · 06/12/2022 20:54

So it’s inconvenient for them but apparently not for you?
Cheeky fuckers
They wouldn’t take the dog and you were very kind to do that and to visit their Mum ( when they couldn’t be arsed) but if you have other things going on it’s tough.
I feel for the lady and if you can go sometimes it would be a kind thing to do but you aren’t obliged to

Show quote history

This!

queenMab99 · 07/12/2022 18:11

Does the old owner really want to see it so often? Or is it the relatives just trying to minimise their own guilt. I am very attached to my dog, but if I was in those circumstances, I would just be thankful and happy that my dog had a good home and loving owners, once I was sure of that, I would be pleased to say goodbye and may be have an occasional phone call from his new owner to let me know how he was getting on.

babytum · 07/12/2022 18:13

People agree to many things in good faith at the time but things change, life happens and priorities have to move.
If her family are that concerned they can take the dog to see their mother but they aren’t accepting that compromise because it doesn’t suit them.
It also doesn’t suit you now, your priorities have changed. You don’t owe the original owner or her family anything. You did a very kind thing for as long as it suited. You took in a dog that needed a home, you facilitated visits, the owner knows her dog is safe and settled.
I’d be withdrawing altogether. You can’t be everything to everybody all the time, you’ve a sick child to look after and you’ve enough to contend with now.

KrystynaZ · 07/12/2022 18:48

You gave them your word that you would take the dog on monthly visits. No they can't force you to do it, but I guess it depends on how much you want "your word" to be worth.
That old person probably looks forward to those visits all month. Why don't you hire a dog sitter to take him for the visits.

FurAndFeathers · 07/12/2022 18:53

KrystynaZ · 07/12/2022 18:48

You gave them your word that you would take the dog on monthly visits. No they can't force you to do it, but I guess it depends on how much you want "your word" to be worth.
That old person probably looks forward to those visits all month. Why don't you hire a dog sitter to take him for the visits.

Oh don’t be daft!

why should the Op pay to facilitate a visit the ex owners family won’t?

why is it her responsibility?

and no she did not giver her word to maintain 4 weekly visits ad infinitum. Stop making things up

MadelineUsher · 07/12/2022 22:39

DemBonesDemBones · 07/12/2022 16:32

It's one visit a month, I think you're being enormously unreasonable and cruel.

Why do so many people take the time to throw in their (horrid) little thoughts without actually taking the time to read the OP?

Genevieva · 07/12/2022 22:47

Totally reasonable. She has been able to see that the dog is happy and settled. Say you will visit her again in the new year. After that leave it for c.4 months, then after that leave it for c.6 months. That should be your last visit.

Genevieva · 07/12/2022 22:56

@caringcarer if you really want to talk contract law then it is possible to throw it back the other way. No one is talking about taking this to court so it is somewhat irrelevant. I don't think the OP's offer for them to take the dog instead of her is a material breach of contract. Plus contracts get broken all the time. Sometimes there are consequences, sometimes there aren't. What are you suggesting? That the OP gives the dog back to the old lady? That is clearly not possible. The old lady's family don't want the dog and don't even want to take it to visit once. She has had 14 visits from the OP - probably more visits than she has had from her own kids. She is settled into her new life. She knows the dog is happy and settled. It seems to be her relatives pushing this arrangement not her and it was not their dog, so in contract law it is a void condition anyway!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/12/2022 22:57

Another vote here for the lovely idea of sending pictures and a written update every so often; that way the lady can also show the pictures round and reminisce, which many seem to enjoy

However if the family still object I'd seriously think about blocking them; you've already been very kind, and now with a poorly child (hope they recover fully and quickly by the way) there's only so much you can do

ozymandiusking · 07/12/2022 23:14

Just out of interest, how does the dog react when it goes to visit its previous owner?
Would that not affect how it bonds with you?
I don't think the family can have any say in what you do with the dog. If you don't want to visit don't. Either, rarely or never.

TheCatterall · 07/12/2022 23:14

@DatingAdvice72 basically it’s hard luck to them. You did what you could whilst you could and unexpected circumstances have arisen (a bit like their Mum going in a home and leaving a dog homeless…).

Offer to send videos and photos to an email account or phone if that helps.

Does it not confuse the dog seeing it’s old owner and having to leave?

Onlystar · 07/12/2022 23:17

Their demands are too much.
realistically the dog should be the priority here if it wasn’t for you it may well have ended up in a shelter.

you’ve explained life changed.
I think they are being unreasonable.
that said I would probably offer some photo updates between the two months.

Grimchmas · 07/12/2022 23:21

I think moving to every 2 months is fine. Maybe with a quick photo update in between if you want.

What does the actual ex owner think or want? Are they actually really pleased to see the dog when you visit?

Either way I'd have less to do with the family than I would the person in the care home. They don't sound easy or flexible to deal with.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 07/12/2022 23:34

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:15

I’ve offered that to them but they said they can’t do that because they don’t have the time and don’t live that locally to their mother anymore…

Show quote history

There’s your answer.
“You can appreciate how difficult it as you, like me don’t have the time or live locally to her, plus I’d have even less time now as my child has been diagnosed with a life long medical condition requiring frequent medical appointments”. I could send her photos ( only suggest this if you want to).

Daffodilsandtuplips · 07/12/2022 23:38

Sorry, I misread about your daughter illness.

Runnerduck34 · 07/12/2022 23:56

Tbh I think the family/ previous owner Abu to expect to give a dog up for adoption and still get access visits every month.
It's clearly an arrangement that was unlikely to work long term. For any number of reasons. If contact with the dog was important to the previous owner( and I understand how heartbreaking it would be to give up a dog and move to care home ) then one of the family should have taken the dog on.
You've kindley offered a solution- they collect dog, and they turned it down. If dog had been rehomed via dogs trust or similar previous owners would have had no visits and tbh they now have no rights.
So it's very kind of you to continue this for long ( but possibly confusing and unsettling for the dog) but your circumstances have now changed and your priority has to be your daughter going every couple of months is fine imo.

milkyaqua · 08/12/2022 02:04

Don't tie yourself further to this bunch of loons by offering to send updates, photos, videos. It's your dog now. The old lady should already have a framed photo of it. The end.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/12/2022 05:24

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:15

I’ve offered that to them but they said they can’t do that because they don’t have the time and don’t live that locally to their mother anymore…

Show quote history

So they 'don't have time', but expect you to keep going even though your situation has massively changed??

They're piss takers.

I'd set it out like this.

Depending on how much you want to share:

Dear unreasonable people,

I have been taking pooch to see your mother monthly for the last x years /months.

I can no longer do this (at all?) as my situation has changed in an unpredicted and life changing way. This is a permanent situation.

My child's medical needs HAVE to take priority for me.

As I saidn(on x date) I'm happy for you to take Fido to see your mum but I can no longer commit to these visits long term...

If you want me to continue I may be able to do this on an 8 weekly basis, and review this as time goes on.

The alternative if you're unable to take Fido to your mum, we arrange a goodbye visit.

If course we'll continue looking after Fido as per our original commitment. Let me know your preference.

..........

They'll probably argue /want you to justify but hold your boundaries.! (say repeatedly... 'it's all in my letter /nothing has changed /that is still my position).

Good luck

HikingforScenery · 08/12/2022 05:30

TheTartfulLodger · 06/12/2022 19:18

Then you need to consider is another person may be more suitable for the task you accepted now that you have had a significant change of circumstances.

Show quote history

I agree with this tbh

Very sorry to hear about your child and I hope they receive treatment successfully.

However your being unfair by going back on your word. The former owner probably looks forward to those visits and they keep them going. Their health is important too, especially as you agreed to it.

Rehome the dog and let someone who can take it to visit the ex- owner.

KrystynaZ · 08/12/2022 05:30

Genevieva · 07/12/2022 22:56

@caringcarer if you really want to talk contract law then it is possible to throw it back the other way. No one is talking about taking this to court so it is somewhat irrelevant. I don't think the OP's offer for them to take the dog instead of her is a material breach of contract. Plus contracts get broken all the time. Sometimes there are consequences, sometimes there aren't. What are you suggesting? That the OP gives the dog back to the old lady? That is clearly not possible. The old lady's family don't want the dog and don't even want to take it to visit once. She has had 14 visits from the OP - probably more visits than she has had from her own kids. She is settled into her new life. She knows the dog is happy and settled. It seems to be her relatives pushing this arrangement not her and it was not their dog, so in contract law it is a void condition anyway!

She has had 14 visits from the OP - probably more visits than she has had from her own kids. Surely this is an arguement for why OP should continue the visits!

TwoTwoOne · 08/12/2022 05:30

HikingforScenery · 08/12/2022 05:30

I agree with this tbh

Very sorry to hear about your child and I hope they receive treatment successfully.

However your being unfair by going back on your word. The former owner probably looks forward to those visits and they keep them going. Their health is important too, especially as you agreed to it.

Rehome the dog and let someone who can take it to visit the ex- owner.

Show quote history

you are
the horror!

Quincythequince · 08/12/2022 05:32

KrystynaZ · 08/12/2022 05:30

She has had 14 visits from the OP - probably more visits than she has had from her own kids. Surely this is an arguement for why OP should continue the visits!

Show quote history

No, it’s bloody not.
The OP owes her nothing and is finding this an inconvenience.

Quincythequince · 08/12/2022 05:33

Rehome the dog so the former owner, who gave it up, can see it regularly??!

People on here are lunatics, honestly.

SaySomethingMan · 08/12/2022 05:35

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:55

It does sometimes feel like they think the dog still belongs to their mum and I’m just ‘dog sitting’ which is obviously not the case since I pay for his whole upkeep, care for him, etc! I pay for the petrol there and back, they’ve never even offered etc which I didn’t mind or ever really think about until now…

I do feel sorry for her as she’s a lovely lady and I do think her kids have just dumped her in a home and then buggered off sort of thing, but equally he is settled in with our family now and he doesn’t particularly enjoy the journey in the car either if there is traffic and we get delayed or it’s very hot or cold weather wise, but we’ve kept it going because I know how much she enjoys the visits but it’s a question of are the visits actually benefiting the dog at all or potentially just causing stress for him?

I would feel absolutely awful cutting all contact though but if the family start getting hostile and I do have any concerns about them taking him back then I absolutely would!

I’ve never looked at it from these types of angles before so thank you for all the different perspectives!

Thank you for all the well wishes for my child too, hoping we get down to the bottom of it as soon as possible! X

You would cut contact and effectively steal the dog off the poor old woman?
If her relationship with her children is as bad as you describe it, isn’t she suffering enough?

They didn’t force you to accept the terms, you did so willingly and got a dog for free out of it.

Autumnisclose · 08/12/2022 05:40

Just tell them the dog has died and move on. The family are using you to visit their relative because they can't be bothered.