Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop taking our dog to see his ex-owner?

222 replies

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:07

So 14 months ago I took on a dog whose owner was moving into a care home. It was a social media plea from her children and it came with the stipulation that they would like the dog to visit their mum regularly etc which was fine (we didn’t sign a contract or anything, more of a verbal agreement and the dog’s microchip is now legally signed over to me). I live around 40-45 minutes away and have been visiting every month since.

My circumstances have now changed though, new jobs and working days and hours and also a lot of illness with my child requiring hospital investigations etc and I’m now struggling to commit to that visit because it usually takes up at least half a day. I’ve said I can try and visit every 6-8 weeks instead so she doesn’t stop seeing the dog completely but her family have started getting really funny over it, although I don’t think they can legally do anything about it?

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
BeautifulDragon · 06/12/2022 20:03

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:15

I’ve offered that to them but they said they can’t do that because they don’t have the time and don’t live that locally to their mother anymore…

Show quote history

The absolute cheek of 'em!!

YANBU OP. If it's too much hassle for them, then it's definitely too much for you.

I think you've been a saint for doing it for this long tbh.

SD1978 · 06/12/2022 20:04

It's up,to you. The family didn't want the dog, you've adopted it, it's up to you how often you go. Expecting regular visits is ridiculous. You do what you can, and offer them to pick the dog up if they want it to be more regular. You pay for the animal, I assume there is no contribution from the family, so anything you do is on your terms, not theres!

Bunda · 06/12/2022 20:05

@DatingAdvice72 totally misread that! OP yes you are being completely reasonable! So sorry!!!!

Readaboutyourself · 06/12/2022 20:05

Totally reasonable. It does sound a bit like they want a regular visitor for their mum but can’t be bothered to do it themselves.

EmmaDilemma5 · 06/12/2022 20:07

I don't think you're unreasonable.

I think her kids were very unrealistic in thinking a stranger would commit indefinitely to monthly visits.

It's sad, but if they wanted mum to continue having her dog visit, THEY should have stepped up and taken the dog in.

Unfortunately, as sad as it is, that's life.

Robin233 · 06/12/2022 20:07

Sounds like it's not really doing the dog any good all the travelling
Photos and vid and a card at Christmas.
It's sad but maybe it's the visits the ex owner likes with or without the dig.

Rainbowshine · 06/12/2022 20:09

I’d switch to sending photos or videos - the care home might be able to help with showing them to the previous owner. Perhaps a short email to say a funny/cute thing the dog did would be nice.

Bypass the family members as much as possible. It’s not your fault that they moved further away nor that your circumstances have changed (good luck with that, it would be a heartless person who would still expect you to be going this often in this situation).

badassbaby · 06/12/2022 20:09

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:55

It does sometimes feel like they think the dog still belongs to their mum and I’m just ‘dog sitting’ which is obviously not the case since I pay for his whole upkeep, care for him, etc! I pay for the petrol there and back, they’ve never even offered etc which I didn’t mind or ever really think about until now…

I do feel sorry for her as she’s a lovely lady and I do think her kids have just dumped her in a home and then buggered off sort of thing, but equally he is settled in with our family now and he doesn’t particularly enjoy the journey in the car either if there is traffic and we get delayed or it’s very hot or cold weather wise, but we’ve kept it going because I know how much she enjoys the visits but it’s a question of are the visits actually benefiting the dog at all or potentially just causing stress for him?

I would feel absolutely awful cutting all contact though but if the family start getting hostile and I do have any concerns about them taking him back then I absolutely would!

I’ve never looked at it from these types of angles before so thank you for all the different perspectives!

Thank you for all the well wishes for my child too, hoping we get down to the bottom of it as soon as possible! X

Cheeky fuckers!
They don't have the time but you do?
Tell them to jog on!
Absolute piss take.

viques · 06/12/2022 20:12

Is there another way you could keep the ex owner informed? A little WhatsApp video of the dog, or a couple of pictures, could fill in the gap between the longer visits, and would give the ex owner something to look at and talk to carers about.

caringcarer · 06/12/2022 20:12

If you made an agreement in order to take the dog to visit its former owner in a care home you should continue to do that or offer the family to take the dog back and for them to re-home with a person who will do that. Did you buy the dog for full value or get it cheaper because you agreed to the visits?

gogogogogogotime · 06/12/2022 20:15

The family are taking the piss but I'd feel sorry for the lady who had to give him up and go into a home. I think I'd visit or call and explain to the lady that the circumstances have changed and work it out with her, I'd maybe visit occasionally and send letters/ postcard updates. Does she love seeing the dog and does he like seeing her/ getting a fuss when he's there? I'd sort it with her.
I also had the mean thought cross my mind that a pp mentioned to tell them it died to be done with it but I'm not sure I could do it if she'd be upset!!

HermioneWeasley · 06/12/2022 20:16

Another chance to use this meme!

you have kept this up for over a YEAR and they don’t have time to do this terribly important thing for their mother, but you should?

To stop taking our dog to see his ex-owner?
Cherrysoup · 06/12/2022 20:17

As a dog owner, I’d be gutted not to see the dog regularly but life gets in the way and frankly, her family are bloody cheeky to get funny about it if they’re not prepared to help. My lot mostly enjoy going places in the car so hopefully the dog isn’t stressed by travelling. It’s a big commitment, imo, which you’ve happily done til now, but your child comes first.

Schnooze · 06/12/2022 20:18

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:15

I’ve offered that to them but they said they can’t do that because they don’t have the time and don’t live that locally to their mother anymore…

Show quote history

You have an ill child that you didn’t used to have, just like they don’t live locally to their mother any more. Circumstances unfortunately change and neither of you have the time. Offer what you can and offer them the opportunity to make it more. That’s all you can do really.

LemonSwan · 06/12/2022 20:19

Have you spoken to the lady and the care home. It’s a shame your not closer because if so then you never know one of the team might like a trip out to collect the dog and take the lady for a walk.

If not possible can she afford 1-1 care for a short period to visit the dog and take on a walk? Or sometimes there are befrienders or volunteers who work with the home who might like this kind of arrangement. Obviously she would have to pay the accessible taxi.

The family should really be sorting all this out though. They do sound useless.

Gagaandgag · 06/12/2022 20:19

I agree with sending letters with photos or even a Moonpig card etc you can easily do one of those in a few mins!

Cut down the visits. That way you aren’t technically breaking your agreement! And unless you signed some kind of agreement the family don’t have a leg to stand on. I wonder why they didn’t take the dog!

I feel for the lady who had to give up her dog it must have been heartbreaking!
Glad the dog is happy and has a lovely caring home.

sentientpuddle · 06/12/2022 20:21

What about reducing visits (massive commitment & YANBU!) & printing off & sending her some photos on a more regular basis? I know it'd still take time, but you could make them personal, add in wee updates about how the dog's doing 'look! Here's Woofy at the park annoying the ducks. Here he is getting a treat at his favourite coffee kiosk. We're planning a visit in date-in-future' etc.

If the woman's family complain, eff 'em!

offyoufuckcuntychops · 06/12/2022 20:21

OP, you have been very kind in sticking to the arrangement until now, but your child has to take priority over the dog's previous owner. If the owner's family were so desperate to facilitate contact, they could have found another way.

Whoever is suggesting re-re-homing the dog is batshit and clearly doesn't give a shit about dogs.

howaboutchocolate · 06/12/2022 20:23

Goldpaw · 06/12/2022 20:00

I feel sorry for the lady in the care home having to give up her dog and only being able to see it every month for a visit. And now, just over a year later, every 6-8 weeks.

Everyone else on the thread seems more concerned with you v. the family and what they could be doing.

The person most affected by this is the lady, not her family.

It's not the old lady's dog any more though. It's sad when you have to give up a dog but by rehoming it, it becomes another person's beloved pet. The OP has been very generous by taking it to see the old lady, most people who rehome dogs never see them again! It was an unrealistic expectation that the OP or anyone else could keep up visits forever. People move, circumstances change, the OP shouldn't have to be tied to this family for the entire life of the dog/old lady. Clearly the old lady's family are living life as they please otherwise they would have taken the dog on or go to visit their mum more often.

maddening · 06/12/2022 20:25

I would say if her family can facilitie by picking up and taking the dog to visit the former owner and return the dog- all at mutually convenient times then they can do that, otherwise it will be every 3 to 6 months.

Rainbowshine · 06/12/2022 20:28

I would be cautious about letting the family take the dog for visits without you, that would be massively upsetting for the dog

caringcarer · 06/12/2022 20:28

A verbal contract is still a contract. You took the dog on specific agreement you would visit former owner every 4 weeks. You should offer the dog back or pay extra to former owner if you got dog cheaper because of this agreement. The owner will feel like you got her dog under false pretences.

howaboutchocolate · 06/12/2022 20:35

caringcarer · 06/12/2022 20:28

A verbal contract is still a contract. You took the dog on specific agreement you would visit former owner every 4 weeks. You should offer the dog back or pay extra to former owner if you got dog cheaper because of this agreement. The owner will feel like you got her dog under false pretences.

Dogs aren't a random possession to be "got"! Rehoming a dog isn't a guaranteed thing in any circumstances, and the family were daft to think that an arrangement like that could be upheld. They can't just keep rehoming the poor dog every year so that their mum can see it once a month! It's the OPs dog now, she can do what she likes and whatever is in the best interests of her family and the dog.

workistoomuch · 06/12/2022 20:35

Yanbu. It is a horrible situation but at least they know the dog is happy and loved.

MadelineUsher · 06/12/2022 20:38

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:15

I’ve offered that to them but they said they can’t do that because they don’t have the time and don’t live that locally to their mother anymore…

Show quote history

They don't have time! They don't want to drive!

You have been a kind soul, but I would withdraw from this "deal" of regular monthly visits, like she's your relative, now that your child is so unwell and your circumstances have clearly changed.

You could let the old owner know this is the case, and that you'll maybe come by occasionally once things are settled down... Most former owners make do with fond memories and a few photographs of their dogs.

Swipe left for the next trending thread