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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop taking our dog to see his ex-owner?

222 replies

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:07

So 14 months ago I took on a dog whose owner was moving into a care home. It was a social media plea from her children and it came with the stipulation that they would like the dog to visit their mum regularly etc which was fine (we didn’t sign a contract or anything, more of a verbal agreement and the dog’s microchip is now legally signed over to me). I live around 40-45 minutes away and have been visiting every month since.

My circumstances have now changed though, new jobs and working days and hours and also a lot of illness with my child requiring hospital investigations etc and I’m now struggling to commit to that visit because it usually takes up at least half a day. I’ve said I can try and visit every 6-8 weeks instead so she doesn’t stop seeing the dog completely but her family have started getting really funny over it, although I don’t think they can legally do anything about it?

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
kingtamponthefurred · 08/12/2022 07:12

TulipCat · 08/12/2022 06:02

These people are trying to outsource all aspects of care for their mother because they don't want to do it. They are using you as an unpaid carer. Offer them the dog back, but if they refuse then just stop the visits, rather than all this back and forth about when you will go. I take it they don't give you petrol money when you visit their mother? Be clear - the situation is that you can no longer do the visits, do they want to look after the dog or do they prefer not to, and have the visits stop? Your child is more important to you than the dog or this woman and her family. Things change and that is the risk they took when asking a stranger to commit to looking after their mother for them for free.

This is good advice. You cannot continue the arrangement because your circumstances have changed and you have too many other commitments. Call the family's bluff by offering the dog back to them. It's very unlikely that they will take you up on it. It is a pity that the original owner had to give up her pet, but it is probably better that she comes to terms with this. She will have her memories and she will know that the dog is well cared for.

OrangeCinnamonLatte · 08/12/2022 07:20

I would stop liaising with the family and only the ex-owner and home if necessary tbh.

NamelessNancy · 08/12/2022 07:54

kingtamponthefurred · 08/12/2022 07:12

This is good advice. You cannot continue the arrangement because your circumstances have changed and you have too many other commitments. Call the family's bluff by offering the dog back to them. It's very unlikely that they will take you up on it. It is a pity that the original owner had to give up her pet, but it is probably better that she comes to terms with this. She will have her memories and she will know that the dog is well cared for.

Show quote history

Sure, but the OP would have to be prepared for the risk of the family agreeing to take the dog back and find someone else to continue the visits. Shit for the OP and dog but quite possibly their legal right based on the info we have.

Hopefully they wouldn't want the hassle though.

CPL593H · 08/12/2022 08:12

KrystynaZ · 08/12/2022 05:30

She has had 14 visits from the OP - probably more visits than she has had from her own kids. Surely this is an arguement for why OP should continue the visits!

Show quote history

The OP took on a dog, not responsibility for the former owner.

CPL593H · 08/12/2022 08:23

Also, while I sympathise with the former owner, things have changed for the OP, who has until now maintained the agreement. She has an unwell child but is still willing to keep the visits up on a schedule that she can manage. I can't believe that people are saying that the dog should be rehomed (again) when it is settled with the OP and her family, without thought to its real welfare and needs.

howaboutchocolate · 08/12/2022 10:55

I think some of these people have never had a dog. and don't realise how it becomes part of your family.

you mean like how the dog is now part of the OPs family and she gets to decide what's in the best interests of her dog and her family?

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 08/12/2022 11:07

I would do this months visit and have a chat with the owner in the care home as ultimately it is her/your dog and not for her family to decide (on the basis she is of sound mind).

Riverlee · 08/12/2022 11:23

I think that, considering the circumstances, it’s definantly reasonable to scale down the visits. You’ve been very generous up to now. If the family are so desperate, they can bring the relative to you!

Are there any therapy dogs/companion dogs nearby that could visit the home?

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 08/12/2022 11:28

I think you’ve been really kind in doing what you’ve done so far. Most people would have told the family to ‘sod off’ straight away. Perhaps you
could do one last goodbye visit but make it clear that you won’t be back.

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 08/12/2022 11:29

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:15

I’ve offered that to them but they said they can’t do that because they don’t have the time and don’t live that locally to their mother anymore…

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So it’s OK for them to move (and presumably not see their mum as much) yet they expect a stranger to take the dog for visits. What cheeky fuckers.

theemmadilemma · 08/12/2022 11:32

DatingAdvice72 · 06/12/2022 19:15

I’ve offered that to them but they said they can’t do that because they don’t have the time and don’t live that locally to their mother anymore…

Show quote history

Then they can fuck off. It's fine for you to put yourself out but not them. You aren't local either at 45 mins away.

Grimchmas · 08/12/2022 11:32

howaboutchocolate ·

Given that there are half a dozen people on here saying that the OP should return the dog/find another new owner who will take the dog for monthly visits, I think the poster you quoted might well be on the same page as you (and me).

The dog could live for years more, as could the person in the care home. For all that I as the person in the care home would love the monthly visits it isn't a reasonable or fair arrangement.

Grimchmas · 08/12/2022 11:37

Oh and OP please don't hand the dog over to the ex family to take him to see her if they decide they have had a change of heart. They could very easily swan off into the sunset with him if they decide it would be better to rehome him again to somebody else who will run this fool's errand. If I were you they wouldn't be given sole charge of him (which I know they don't currently want but now they they know you want to end/change the arrangement they may just decide to change their minds).

Ylvamoon · 08/12/2022 11:37

I think this is a very sad thread.

And while I have sympathy for the OP, I can also see that OP originally agreed to this arrangement. Is it really that difficult to give someone an afternoon every 4-5 weeks?
Because at the receiving end is an elderly person that just wasn't able to keep the pdog anymore due to frailty.

The visits are probably a highlight for this person, something to look forward to, something to live for.
Cut the contract with the relatives, but please don't abandon this elderly person.

Sidge · 08/12/2022 12:15

OP why don’t you move the old lady into your home with you and your family. Then she can see the dog all the time as well as her family not having to visit and they’ll save all that money on care home fees! You’ll save time and money not having to visit and the dog won’t be stressed at the car journey. Win win!

Meanwhile, back in the real world… you adopted the dog. It is not theirs. You have been doing a lovely thing by facilitating visits but it is no longer feasible for you to do so. Her own family are unable and unwilling to facilitate visits. So just stop. Give them warning you are unable to continue the visits on a regular basis but will visit as and when it is convenient for you (if at all).

If they don’t like it, well , tough luck. They made a request, you honoured it, but can no longer do so under the same conditions. They either find a workaround or suck it up.

Soothsayer1 · 08/12/2022 12:20

You've been played, they have used the dog to trick you into becoming this woman's unpaid carer

Letthekidsplay · 08/12/2022 13:57

I think you should explain you can no longer commit to monthly visits and offer them the dog back to rehome with a family who can as it was part of the agreement when you adopted it.

Riverlee · 08/12/2022 14:02

“Meanwhile, back in the real world… you adopted the dog. It is not theirs. You have been doing a lovely thing by facilitating visits but it is no longer feasible for you to do so. Her own family are unable and unwilling to facilitate visits. So just stop. Give them warning you are unable to continue the visits on a regular basis but will visit as and when it is convenient for you (if at all).”

This!

it’s telling that they want you to visit, but can’t be bothered themselves.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 08/12/2022 14:27

Letthekidsplay · 08/12/2022 13:57

I think you should explain you can no longer commit to monthly visits and offer them the dog back to rehome with a family who can as it was part of the agreement when you adopted it.

Don't talk such utter bullshit! OP has done more than enough and offering them the dog back when they didn't want it in the first place is just so unreasonable.

CPL593H · 08/12/2022 14:38

Letthekidsplay · 08/12/2022 13:57

I think you should explain you can no longer commit to monthly visits and offer them the dog back to rehome with a family who can as it was part of the agreement when you adopted it.

Do you honestly feel that would be in the best interests of this dog? He/she has already had to adapt to a new family after leaving a clearly caring owner. They are not inanimate objects to be passed around like parcels and if the former owner is as nice as described, hopefully she would accept that the dog is better off in the new settled home, even if she sees it less, than having yet another mammoth change.

MXVIT · 08/12/2022 14:41

do they give you any money at all towards the dog? food, flea treatments, toys, vets bills etc?

if not then tell them to jog on! If her kids were that assed about dear old mum being able to see the dog whenever then why didnt they step up and take it in.

I'd say accept the 6-8 weeks or no more visits

Greydogs123 · 08/12/2022 14:52

You’re not unreasonable. Things change and if they wanted their mum to see the dog that badly they’d find the time in their busy lives to take it for a visit. If it was me I would say that I’d go very other month, when possible, but would send a photo or two with a little note in between. It’s a real shame for the lady, but at least her dog is in a loving home having a great life.

ChillysWaterBottle · 08/12/2022 17:09

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 08/12/2022 11:29

So it’s OK for them to move (and presumably not see their mum as much) yet they expect a stranger to take the dog for visits. What cheeky fuckers.

Show quote history

They expect OP to do it because that was what OP agreed to do. It was the basis in which she got the dog, and it wasn't like they asked OP specifically - she actively volunteered and agreed to the terms! I would personally give some grace for an unwell child and I think it's fine to cut down the frequency of the visits for a while but the amount of people acting like the family are being cheeky for wanting OP to uphold her end of the agreement is bizarre. What's worse is all the speculation about their relationship with their mother and their motivations which seems both irrelevant and frankly nasty, and designed only to justify breaking an agreement.

BettySwallocks · 08/12/2022 17:13

Time to close the book on this one
You did what you could for over a year and now it's not possible
It's your dog
It's your life
If the family thought the dog visiting was vital they should have taken it on themselves and not rehomed it.

BlusteryLake · 08/12/2022 17:13

The real issue is that the set up was unrealistic on both sides, and should have had a time frame on it, eg, OP agrees to do the visits for the first six months then tail off at an agreed rate. For either party to expect this to be sustainable until either the dog or the old lady dies is totally unrealistic.

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