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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's kids and grandparent hand outs

203 replies

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:20

I'm fully expecting to be old I am being unreasonable but I'm feeling really quite upset and wondered if I could run something by your wise Mumsnetters. I am a regular by the way I've just name changed in case I'm spotted by SIL.

DB and SIL have children, lots of children. I have none. I only have one sibling. My parents are not wealthy but they're OK and have a bit of spare cash and are generous. They've spent A LOT of money on my nieces and nephews over the years - I get this, they're grandparents. But as a childfree woman I've had very little from them. Every Christmas I see the bags and bags of gifts (when they were smaller) now it's fat envelopes each. Please don't turn this into a thread about the wastefulness of plastic at Christmas, it's not about that.

Recently I was told they had a savings account set up for eldest nephew for his Uni fund. There is a bit of a gap between him and DB's next child so the others are not yet Uni ready. I wasn't supported for Uni (didn't expect to be) and just got on with it, student loan and all.

So my AIBU is am I BU for being a bit pissed off that brother gets all this preferential treatment via his kids when I get nothing? If I had kids they'd probably all get less as the money would be spread out.

OP posts:
upfucked · 02/12/2022 15:24

But your brother isn’t getting anything that you’re not. What you mean is am I being unreasonable to be jealous of my nephew and nieces.

Original poster
Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:25

I'm not jealous of them at all. Brother is getting a lot of money into his 'family home' than I am.

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 02/12/2022 15:26

They’re not favouring your brother they are doing it for their grand children

Flamingogirl08 · 02/12/2022 15:27

YABU and a bit childish tbh

aSofaNearYou · 02/12/2022 15:29

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:25

I'm not jealous of them at all. Brother is getting a lot of money into his 'family home' than I am.

I think you are wrong to focus on that, whether you are right to feel annoyed or not. It is the nieces/nephews you are jealous of, they aren't an extension of your brother.

monsteronahill · 02/12/2022 15:31

I think framing it as your brother getting money into his household that you're not is the wrong way to think about it - I'd see it as your nieces and nephews having incredibly generous and thoughtful grandparents.

Original poster
Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:31

FWIW I'm not jealous. I love my nieces and nephews. I also give them gifts and handouts, why can't we have a discussion without mud slinging.

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 02/12/2022 15:32

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 02/12/2022 15:26

They’re not favouring your brother they are doing it for their grand children

This, basically.

cavily1806 · 02/12/2022 15:33

They're probably in a better financial place now than when you went to uni, especially if brother also went around same time. Tbh I agree with a PP who said it sounds like you're jealous of the children.

Y7drama · 02/12/2022 15:33

I can See it’s hurtful if you think that they effectively prefer your brother as he has produced the grandchildren.

Coyoacan · 02/12/2022 15:33

Even having just one child costs a lot of money. I'm so sorry you feel that way but as a grandmother I would do the same

Sprouttreesareamazing · 02/12/2022 15:33

I have lots of dc. We manage alone. Your db is selfish to have lots of dc if he is sponging off his dps to support them. Yanbu to be pd off if they didn't support you back when you needed it.
But Golden Boy can be their go to not you in the future.

user1474315215 · 02/12/2022 15:34

I think this is really unfair. I have three adult DC, two of whom have children. I love buying the DGC gifts, taking them out for the day etc and I save their parents a LOT of money on childcare. I'm very conscious, though, to find ways of treating my child free DD and her partner - it would be so unfair otherwise.

ImAvingOops · 02/12/2022 15:34

I think it's hard to see your parents give other children in the family more support than they gave you, their own child. I think it's natural for gps to help out grandkids, especially if they have more money now than they did when you were university age, but it would be nice if they were sensitive to the fact that are investing a lot in your brothers household but nothing to yours. They probably mean no harm and think that because they aren't giving your brother money directly, that they are treating you both equally. But they aren't seeing how he financially benefits from their gifts to his dc.
Not sure what you can do without causing ructions.

millypeggyandpandora · 02/12/2022 15:35

nobody is mud slinging! You asked a question which people are answering. YABVU by the way.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 02/12/2022 15:36

You are not corporations- your nephews and nieces aren’t subsidiaries of your brother. They are individual people with their own relationships with your parents. Money to them isn’t money to him and you’re hurting yourself and your relationships with your family by framing it that way.

MolliciousIntent · 02/12/2022 15:36

YABU, they're giving gifts and assistance to their grandchildren. Presumably if you had children they'd do the same for them.

sweetbambi · 02/12/2022 15:41

yabu I understand it might feel unfair but unless there is some specific reasons or drip feed your parents will see your brother as needing the money more right now. they are helping the grandchildren and want to help support them. I am really sorry this feels unfair

Stressfordays · 02/12/2022 15:44

My brothers probably feel the same about me and my kids tbh. My mum treats my children a lot and saves me ££££ on childcare. She does it because she loves them and is able to do it. She does it so I don't struggle too. My parents didn't have much money when we were growing up but much more comfortable now. My mum (and my Dad when he was alive) enjoy doing this for the grandkids.

Original poster
Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:46

Sorry, I've not said this before, don't mean to drip feed. DB is not short of money, he has a very well paid job and SIL also works, they benefit from a lot of free childcare but don't need the money.

OP posts:
Itsbeenashortyear · 02/12/2022 15:47

Yes yabu. It’s not lonely going into your brother household. It’s the grandkids that are being treated.

Do you expect your parents to tot up what they are spending on the grandkids and give you the same?

You not being supported through Uni is irrelevant. If you had or have kids I am sure they would do the same.

You need to stop comparing yourself to the grandchildren.

Original poster
Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:47

Loads of posters who know me and my situation better than I know myself.

OP posts:
Itsbeenashortyear · 02/12/2022 15:48

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:46

Sorry, I've not said this before, don't mean to drip feed. DB is not short of money, he has a very well paid job and SIL also works, they benefit from a lot of free childcare but don't need the money.

Again, that’s irrelevant.

Your parents are treating their grandchildren. You aren’t their grandchild.

luxxlisbon · 02/12/2022 15:49

So you think for every gift or bit of money your parents give their grandchildren you should get one too?

Your brother isn’t getting anything.

Your parents want to treat their grand children at Christmas and are in a better financial position now and can help the eldest at uni. None of that makes you hard done by.

Funding their adult daughter really isn’t the equivalent to them giving their grandchildren gifts.

TrixJax · 02/12/2022 15:49

Your parents are getting pleasure from giving to their grandchildren. It just so happens it's only your brother that has kids. That's not your parent's problem. You are free to make gifts to whoever you want to too.

It's common that grandparents move onto giving the more expensive gifts to grandchildren rather than their own children, happens in lots of families.

As long as they are sound mind and can make own decisions then their money their choice