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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's kids and grandparent hand outs

203 replies

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:20

I'm fully expecting to be old I am being unreasonable but I'm feeling really quite upset and wondered if I could run something by your wise Mumsnetters. I am a regular by the way I've just name changed in case I'm spotted by SIL.

DB and SIL have children, lots of children. I have none. I only have one sibling. My parents are not wealthy but they're OK and have a bit of spare cash and are generous. They've spent A LOT of money on my nieces and nephews over the years - I get this, they're grandparents. But as a childfree woman I've had very little from them. Every Christmas I see the bags and bags of gifts (when they were smaller) now it's fat envelopes each. Please don't turn this into a thread about the wastefulness of plastic at Christmas, it's not about that.

Recently I was told they had a savings account set up for eldest nephew for his Uni fund. There is a bit of a gap between him and DB's next child so the others are not yet Uni ready. I wasn't supported for Uni (didn't expect to be) and just got on with it, student loan and all.

So my AIBU is am I BU for being a bit pissed off that brother gets all this preferential treatment via his kids when I get nothing? If I had kids they'd probably all get less as the money would be spread out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:51

I'm broke and childfree.
DB is wealthy with loads of kids.
Kids get loads spent on them. I get nothing.

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 02/12/2022 15:51

If my adult children questioned why I give to my GC.....I'd be shocked. You honestly sound like a teenager having a tantrum.

It's entirely up to your parents what they give their GC.

medicatedgift · 02/12/2022 15:52

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:46

Sorry, I've not said this before, don't mean to drip feed. DB is not short of money, he has a very well paid job and SIL also works, they benefit from a lot of free childcare but don't need the money.

So because my DS earns more than my Dd, when they have kids I'm supposed to give less to DS's kids?

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 02/12/2022 15:52

Unless you are really struggling financially YABVU. I had my children before my (older) sibling did and my parents have spoilt them in every way possible; according to them because they bring them so much joy and love spending time with them. It’s horrible to be jealous of children, my sister was too and it’s caused irreparable damage to our relationship. Tread very carefully OP. You should be pleased your parents are enjoying such a lovely relationship with their grandchildren.

britneyisfree · 02/12/2022 15:52

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:51

I'm broke and childfree.
DB is wealthy with loads of kids.
Kids get loads spent on them. I get nothing.

I understand what you're saying op. It would piss me off too!!!

catandcoffee · 02/12/2022 15:52

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:51

I'm broke and childfree.
DB is wealthy with loads of kids.
Kids get loads spent on them. I get nothing.

This must be a wind up thread.

Original poster
Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:53

medicatedgift · 02/12/2022 15:52

So because my DS earns more than my Dd, when they have kids I'm supposed to give less to DS's kids?

Show quote history

That's a very weird interpretation of what I've said!
Perhaps you didn't understand my posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:53

It's not a wind up thread.

OP posts:
Motheranddaughtertotwo · 02/12/2022 15:54

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:51

I'm broke and childfree.
DB is wealthy with loads of kids.
Kids get loads spent on them. I get nothing.

So they don’t help you when you’re in trouble? Have you asked for help? Do they know you’re struggling? Your parents not helping you if they can is a separate issue to what they spend on your nieces and nephews, don’t mix the two.

britneyisfree · 02/12/2022 15:55

I assume OP is broke and perhaps down on her luck. She can't manage her outgoings without difficulty.

Her brother lives a good life and has a wonderful family and can manage outgoings with ease.

Her parents provide other relatives with funds as gifts when they don't actually need them.

A little of this money could change her day to day rather than the difference it will make to other relatives in the longer term.

Hope I've got the gist of that right op.

SpotlessMind88 · 02/12/2022 15:56

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 02/12/2022 15:26

They’re not favouring your brother they are doing it for their grand children

Absolutely this.

NoSquirrels · 02/12/2022 15:58

Have your parents always historically favoured your brother?

Why didn’t they support you financially at university?

NoSquirrels · 02/12/2022 15:59

Your parents not helping you if they can is a separate issue to what they spend on your nieces and nephews, don’t mix the two.

I agree with this, btw.

fruitstick · 02/12/2022 16:00

I think YABU but I completely understand why. It's OK to feel hurt but there's not much you can do.

My parents both died before I had children. My siblings' kids all had savings accounts/funds set up by my mum and dad and money left to them in their will. My children obviously got nothing and they didn't exist.

One sibling had two children, the others had three so technically 'more money' was going into one family than the other but i think you'll drive yourself mad totting things up like that.

Have you tried talking to your parents about your financial situation or asking for their help?

I feel for you, but not sure what you can do other than work on making yourself feel better about it.

SpotlessMind88 · 02/12/2022 16:00

catandcoffee · 02/12/2022 15:51

If my adult children questioned why I give to my GC.....I'd be shocked. You honestly sound like a teenager having a tantrum.

It's entirely up to your parents what they give their GC.

Well said!!
OP you're an adult. Time to provide for yourself instead of expecting your parents to subsidise your life because you're broke.

Itsbeenashortyear · 02/12/2022 16:01

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:51

I'm broke and childfree.
DB is wealthy with loads of kids.
Kids get loads spent on them. I get nothing.

But again that’s 2 separate issues.

if you need help from your parents, speak to them.

amiold · 02/12/2022 16:01

Have some kids if you want the same. That's the only way to compare.

Original poster
Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 16:02

Sorry, I think I've shot from the hip and not explained it properly. Brother is the blue eyed boy and I've always been the less favoured. I was always a disappointment to them.

University and supporting me wasn't an option that was ever discussed. DB is younger than me and lived at home while studying so was indirectly supported.

If I can explain this actually brings me to tears on occasion. It's not a case of being jealous of my nephews and nieces - not at all. I'm possibly a bit jealous of brother.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2022 16:02

My mum and dad are very scrupulously fair about me and my brother and what we each get. They have also said that my DC is a separate person and they are very generous.

I am sorry you're struggling.

HomeRabbit · 02/12/2022 16:02

I suspect since you are asking the question YANBU.

Looking back in terms of decades, was there a favourite?
We were looking Xmas photos - year after year it's obvious my brother got the big ticket items. Teens years I was working, he was subsidised because he had less money.
20s I got married, mostly paid for by me. He got a massive house deposit.
Etc, etc.
I had the only GC. It does her head in. She adores my brother, he just can't be bothered with her. She's a bitch to me because of that, bitter , so much so that my teens pick up on it.

It's got so bad, it's almost a joke. My high earning brother &wife are about to be gifted their low mileage, newish car. She gave my DD £200 for driving lessons.

If there's favourites in play, then even if you'd provided the prettiest, most adorable kids your brother would still have 'won' .

Sorry it sucks, I'm not planning on doing any old age looking after, suggest you start reflecting on that.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/12/2022 16:04

Rightly or wrongly, I would feel the same way OP. However I rationalised it, it would hurt a bit.

Original poster
Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 16:05

amiold · 02/12/2022 16:01

Have some kids if you want the same. That's the only way to compare.

Sorry IVF failed! I tried.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/12/2022 16:05

If you’ve always felt that your parents have always favoured your brother, then it’s understandable you feel this way.

Could you ask them not to discuss money with you at all?

EezyOozy · 02/12/2022 16:05

YABU.

HomeRabbit · 02/12/2022 16:05

So sorry @Theprinterwillnotbloodywork I wrote my response before I read your last post.

It sucks doesn't it. Sending an unmumsnetty hug to you. Live your best life. Keep looking and gather lovely cheerleaders to share your good news moments with.