Brother's kids and grandparent hand outs

[Theprinterwillnotbloodywork]

I'm fully expecting to be old I am being unreasonable but I'm feeling really quite upset and wondered if I could run something by your wise Mumsnetters. I am a regular by the way I've just name changed in case I'm spotted by SIL.

DB and SIL have children, lots of children. I have none. I only have one sibling. My parents are not wealthy but they're OK and have a bit of spare cash and are generous. They've spent A LOT of money on my nieces and nephews over the years - I get this, they're grandparents. But as a childfree woman I've had very little from them. Every Christmas I see the bags and bags of gifts (when they were smaller) now it's fat envelopes each. Please don't turn this into a thread about the wastefulness of plastic at Christmas, it's not about that.

Recently I was told they had a savings account set up for eldest nephew for his Uni fund. There is a bit of a gap between him and DB's next child so the others are not yet Uni ready. I wasn't supported for Uni (didn't expect to be) and just got on with it, student loan and all.

So my AIBU is am I BU for being a bit pissed off that brother gets all this preferential treatment via his kids when I get nothing? If I had kids they'd probably all get less as the money would be spread out.

he isn't thinking oh gosh that's presents for David's octuplets coming up at £800, I better send the other two cheques for £800 so they match.

I don't think that's what the OP is thinking, either!

I think seeing the huge difference in resources reserved/given by her parents to her brother's family, in comparison with what she didn't receive from those same parents, is making her face the very sad fact that her parents don't regard her with the same love & approval.

They may not realise this is what it looks like. They may not mean to do this.

So it's worth her having a conversation with her parents about this.

Or withdrawing from them, so she is not so emotionally conflicted. It's a tough place to be, where the OP is.

Thanks for all the messages. There’s some who really understand and I really do appreciate that level of understanding and the eloquent way some can say it better than I can.

There are also a lot of very nasty ignorant people but I’m not going to focus on them.

A lot to think about. Thank you to everyone who has commented.

The pain you feel is very real and comes from a deep childhood hurt I can understand.

However, expecting mummy and daddy to give you £80 because an 12 year old got £80 is very fucking weird.

You need therapy and I mean that genuinely. It’s not fair that you have to carry this around with you.

I'm very lucky my DB doesn't think your way as my parents spoil my kids and my DB doesn't know if he'll ever have any.

Luckily my DB doesn't see my loving parents' money as anything to do with him, it's their money to spend how they like. They have always been fair between us but this doesn't mean my DC get less so they can subsidise him. DC are their own (little) people with their own relationship with their GPs.

It's like if my brother thought I should get less in their will because my children have had more in life. He would never even think such a thing, although we've never been money oriented much, even when struggling. And never ever expected any help from parents even if we were down to our last £10.

If you had had children, your parents would have given your children a lot too. That is what grandparents do. It doesn't necessarily depend on the income of the parents, it's just a natural thing to want to give to grandchildren.

Many grandparents didn't have much to give when they were younger so they make up for it with their grandchildren.

I'm sure they love and value you, op, maybe even more than anyone else but you are not a child any more. If you needed financial help would your parents not give it to you?

There's nothing you can do about it. Being upset is only going to hurt you. Don't let that feeling spoil your life.

When your parents eventually die, you and your brother will probably split their estate between you equally.

I hope you have a good, fulfilling life. That's more important than anything else.

I get you OP. I have 2 sisters, one has 2 kids, I have one and youngest doesn't have any. Grandparents gifts are always scrupulously divided between the three of us. The children's 'gifts' come out of their mothers' shares.
I think your parents are being mean spirited and very unfair. But as PPs have said, their money, their choice. Just like it's your choice whether to look after them in their dotage😉😉.
Honestly, the number of times you read stuff like this when parents favour one child but then expect the disadvantaged one to look after them.
No. Fuck off. Get golden balls/tits to do it.

This. You aren’t really understanding that where there were two of you who were recipients of your parents’ resources, there are now six (or whatever the number). You are all individual people. This is not about your brother.

As grandparents, their generosity is given out fairly and equally.

OP has an issue with her parents seemingly being more generous to her sibling.

Except they aren’t. They’re being generous to their grandchildren.

It’s bound up with childhood treatment no doubt.

As parents they might be lacking. As grandparents they can’t be faulted,

Your nieces and nephews are not sub-parts for your brother, they are their own separate people.

You are being a bit wierd being jealous of children. Presumably your parents treated you when you were a child? As an adult, you are now clearly responsible for yourself, whether or not you choose to have your own children. It sounds a bit like you feel you should still have child status because you haven't had your own dc.

Lucky for the people on here that come from functional families, where all grandparents spoil all grandchildren.

Those of us whose families are less rosy, know what this particular dynamic stems from.

Instead of berating OP for jealousy and bitterness etc, try understanding why she may feel hurt.

Ah, I am familiar with the favoured child dynamic. That is what it ultimately boils down to, rather than being about the grandkids getting more and OP being ignored.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to redress the disparity, so if you can learn to ignore it and maybe do as a PP suggests (If I were you (and my situation was close to yours) I'd limit my contact with them all, and live my own life as fully and freely as I could - my solution in a situation where I was the infertile sibling and so saw a lot of family resources and parental approval & regard going to my siblings, was to emigrate & get a job where I earned a fair bit of dosh, so I could establish myself independently. But that's a fairly dramatic response!)

You can't make it fair. I have a dc, my sister has dc - but none of these children will ever match up to DB and the golden grandchild, as DB was the golden child and we were poor seconds. It does hurt, I feel for you.

Sorry, YABU. It’s grandparents’ prerogative to treat their grandchildren.

please don’t be jealous of children.

Presumably your parents treated you when you were a child?

If you read @Theprinterwillnotbloodywork ‘s posts, you’ll see that her parents didn’t treat her equally with her broth and they still aren’t.

That is what is painful for the OP.

It's rubbish when parents treat siblings differently. I think this is a lot less about them helping the kids than about you seeing what they're capable of but never getting it yourself, even when you were a child.

Honestly op. I get that if your struggling for money, It would be great if your parents offered to help out a little if they are in a position to. I think you're confusing the issue around their grandkids though. I see nothing wrong with them buying gifts for them, it's not a reflection on you. It feels a little that you have a calculator out working out how much was spent on your family versus your brothers, particularly when you go down the road of mentioning that your brother lived at home for longer than you did so they were indirectly supporting him. Do you start working out how much food ye both consumed separately.
Honesty op, that's no way to live .
Ask them for help if you need it but I think you're ire is pointing in the wrong direction

Have you ever actually asked, or hinted to, your parents for financial help, OP.

They may see you as independent and self sufficient and might think you'd be smothered or infantilised by such support.

I kinda see where you are coming from re the student fund. Eldest GC will obviously be over 18 then.

Uni is a LOT more expensive than it was a few years ago, COL for students is ridiculous. My son is essentially limited to uni halls due to the cost of private housing. Food goes up regularly. Tuition fees are massive now.

Were you parents in a less comfortable position when you was a student?

I voted YANBU, these are just contextual factors to consider

You are complaining about them helping with uni fund and you had to do it by yourself. Perhaps they didn't have the spare cash and your grandparents didn't have the spare cash either to help when you were going through uni. Circumstances change and if they can do it, why shouldn't they? If it was all for your brother then yes but seems it's only the children you're complaining about. You should be happy the child is wanting to further their education rather than lazing around and getting into trouble. We are here only a short time so please try not to make it into a jealous ridden one. Your parents are only trying to make the world a little better for the youngsters. My sister doesn't have any little ones and I have 3. If anything she would be contributing towards the fund rather than asking why my mams helping. If she had any sprogs then I would expect my children to get less as there is another child same as if we had anymore anything they got would be less because there's more of them. So yes I have a similar situation but thankfully don't have the same results.

Wow! Jealous - much?! What a horrible attitude to have towards children born a generation after you, into a much tougher economic climate. Why shouldn’t their grandparents spoil them, with their own money? Were you hoping to wait in the wings and receive this money as inheritance? Is this what this is about? A smaller ‘pot’ at the end?

Op how old are you and how old is your brother?

OP isn't the devil for feeling this way. It may be wise to keep these feelings to her self around the family.
I wonder if there is a longer history of DB being favoured? And if OP feels like her parents would bail her out if she needed help?

YABVU. I’ve got a DD and my sisters are both child free so far. I would hate to think my sisters resent anything my child receives from her grandparents, and my parents will do the same for my sisters kids if/when they have any.

My dd does get more financial gifts from my parents than my sisters and I received, purely because my parents are much more financially comfortable than they were when my sisters and I were children, we certainly don’t ask for them or rely on them.

Sorry I didn't realise these threads exist to make people feel better.
It's a forum where people give opinions. If she doesn't like it she shouldn't have asked AIBU. What a silly thing to say.

As for you OP I understand. My younger brother has been and always will be the golden child. He still lives at home with them. But my situation is a bit different as I'm the one with kids and he hasn't got any.

My kids get nothing from my mum/step dad - other than a coat each at Christmas. And that's fine, I've accepted it (begrudgingly). They don't help with childcare. They don't even babysit for an hour so me and DP can have a meal or anything. But I know hand on heart if my brother does have kids in the future they will be treated amazingly - because they are my brother's kids. But I will love my potential nieces and nephews just the same.

The ironic thing is, if they need a dogsitter whilst they are at work, it's me that does it. If they need something picking up from the supermarket it's me that does it. If they want something ordering online, it's me that does it. (They aren't elderly, btw, mid 50's). My brother does nothing for them despite living with them. But he was always my mum's golden child from day 1 (I was 6 when he was born) and it was made very clear, even to the extent of other family members and friends commenting on it throughout my childhood.

Sorry I'm rambling. But basically what I'm saying is, whether you had kids or not, I'm guessing they would still favour your brother's offspring because they favour him.

Could you speak to your brother directly and ask him to transfer money from kids accounts to your account ?

I actually think this is one of my favourite all-time comments.