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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's kids and grandparent hand outs

203 replies

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:20

I'm fully expecting to be old I am being unreasonable but I'm feeling really quite upset and wondered if I could run something by your wise Mumsnetters. I am a regular by the way I've just name changed in case I'm spotted by SIL.

DB and SIL have children, lots of children. I have none. I only have one sibling. My parents are not wealthy but they're OK and have a bit of spare cash and are generous. They've spent A LOT of money on my nieces and nephews over the years - I get this, they're grandparents. But as a childfree woman I've had very little from them. Every Christmas I see the bags and bags of gifts (when they were smaller) now it's fat envelopes each. Please don't turn this into a thread about the wastefulness of plastic at Christmas, it's not about that.

Recently I was told they had a savings account set up for eldest nephew for his Uni fund. There is a bit of a gap between him and DB's next child so the others are not yet Uni ready. I wasn't supported for Uni (didn't expect to be) and just got on with it, student loan and all.

So my AIBU is am I BU for being a bit pissed off that brother gets all this preferential treatment via his kids when I get nothing? If I had kids they'd probably all get less as the money would be spread out.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 04/12/2022 08:50

If you were my sibling and I found this thread about how envious you were of my dc getting Christmas off their grandparents or that they helped with child I'd have nothing to do with you. What the hell is wrong with you. If you had your own dc I imagine your dps would be the same. Your reaction to this is not at all normal and completely unreasonable.

lanbro · 04/12/2022 08:52

I have 2 dc, 1 dn. I would hate to think my dsis was jealous that my dps probably spend twice as much buying for mine than for hers...it's not for us, it's for the dc.

However, my dps have always made us equal, I got uni paid for, dsis got a new car, any monetary handouts are equal regardless of if it's needed - have your parents favoured your brother growing up and this is a pattern?

Rosie219 · 04/12/2022 09:02

What would make you happy? Do you want your parents to give you the same amount of money as they give your brother and his children combined? Seems unreasonable to me.

Scotty12 · 04/12/2022 09:07

I can see how you might feel hurt and unfairly treated. I do think you are being unreasonable though. No doubt your parents have more money now than when you were a child. What would you like to happen?

JenniferBarkley · 04/12/2022 09:34

YANBU in your feelings (I suspect I may well feel the same in your shoes), but feelings are often irrational.

Some people view presents per household, some per person. You see this issue come up on here time and time again at this time of year, in lots of different scenarios.

I'm a per person type myself.

Even in the example you give with the £80 football strip - you discuss each DN getting a gift worth £80, no mention of anything for your brother but want £100 for yourself! That's unfair in my eyes.

I can fully believe that your parents favour your brother but I'd let this issue go, it doesn't paint you in a good light.

If money is tight, don't be spending on family who don't treat you well in other ways though.

WindyHedges · 04/12/2022 09:37

I wonder if there is a longer history of DB being favoured? And if OP feels like her parents would bail her out if she needed help?

I think the OP has already said that her brother has always been favoured. It sounds as though the OP has had struggles which her parents have not noticed or helped with.

It seems to me that this is what is at the heart of the OP’s painful feelings: that her parents treat her and her family with less thought and care than her brother and his family.

Nosecamera · 04/12/2022 09:39

I'm not going to tell you your gut feeling is wrong. I bet he was favoured as a child and even if you did provide them with grandchildren, your brother's would always be the focus of their time and energy.

Snugglemonkey · 04/12/2022 09:56

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 02/12/2022 15:51

I'm broke and childfree.
DB is wealthy with loads of kids.
Kids get loads spent on them. I get nothing.

You say you are not jealous of the kids, but it really sounds like you are. It brings your parents joy to spend money on the children.

I had children a long time after my siblings and saw my parents shift over to giving mostly to their grandchildren while having no children. I really didn't begrudge it for a second. Your niblings will have it easier than you did. As will mine. Do you not want that for them?

Summerfun54321 · 04/12/2022 10:01

It sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for a long time. You can’t change the situation because even explaining the hurt you feel won’t change your parents view. There are two ways of looking at this, one your way and one your parents way and neither are wrong. Just different. You can either pity yourself or use the hurt to fuel your own ambition and look for your own purpose and determination. What are your own ambitions and how are you going to get there without family money?

Summerfun54321 · 04/12/2022 10:03

It’s ok to feel jealous and wish the situation were different but you need to move on and accept it and realise that you just can’t rely on the things your DB does. Letting the resentment consume you is hurting you and only you.

topcat2014 · 04/12/2022 10:16

I'm 100% with the OP. I would feel slighted too, especially as money is not tight.

billyt · 04/12/2022 10:52

Coyoacan · 02/12/2022 15:33

Even having just one child costs a lot of money. I'm so sorry you feel that way but as a grandmother I would do the same

Surely you're saying the OP is right, then? There is more money coming into he household which helps relieve the burden.

But also, using your reasoning about just one child costing a lot of money. Perhaps OPs DB and his wife should have thought about money before having lots of children?

BronnauMawrion · 04/12/2022 11:00

My parents are well off in their retirement. They have set up a £30+k trust fund for each of my two children. They told us of this at a family dinner, and gave me & DH and DB & DSIL a smaller cash gift at the same time. DSIL "joked" that she thought their puppy should get £30+k as the dog "was a grandbaby too". This "joke" has been made several times since. It is obviously an issue for her.
Everyone now thinks she's a complete nutjob and my Dad has even told me he regrets giving her anything at all for being so grabby.
Although the knowledge of the trusts has alleviated mine & DHs worries for the future (we can save for our own retirement in the knowledge that our DC have a good nest egg for house deposit etc) it makes no difference to my DB & DSIL as they are already comfortable and can already save for their future.

ouch321 · 04/12/2022 11:23

mrsm43s · 02/12/2022 16:08

You and your brother are both treated equally (i.e. no big gifts).

Your nephews and nieces are given gifts from their grandparents.

Your parents are entitled to spend their money how they like, and treating/helping out grandparents is a perfectly normal and lovely thing to do. If you had children, no doubt they'd buy them generous gifts too.

You are not being treated unfairly at all. In fact, it feels like you are suggesting you alone should get amount matching what your parent share between your brother and multiple grandchildren. This would be really unfair, why do you think you are entitled to 4/5/6 times the amount that everyone else gets?

You are one individual
Your brother is one individual
Each grandchild is one individual.
Money given to the grandchildren is not money being given to your brother!

Well it is in a roundabout way.

So let's say sibling was going to buy a bike for his child for £500.
Grandparents give them £500 so they can buy the bike for grandchild hence brother no longer needs to take the money out of his own pocket. Thus he is £500 better off than he would have been.

There was a thread the other day about women who don't have children being deemed lesser and of lower value. This is a good example of this.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 04/12/2022 11:43

topcat2014 · 04/12/2022 10:16

I'm 100% with the OP. I would feel slighted too, especially as money is not tight.

Me too.

Coyoacan · 04/12/2022 12:30

@billyt

Ok, so you say the Op is right to be resentful and where does that get her? She is going to fall out with her parents and the rest of the family and continue to be resentful.

Why encourage people in their baser reactions to situations?

Seeingadistance · 04/12/2022 14:37

LimeCheesecake · 02/12/2022 16:34

You are seeing your brothers children as extensions of him, rather than people in their own right.

Exactly this.

My childless uncle had a similar attitude after my grandfather, his father died. My DGF had taken out some kind of policy for each grandchild, which paid out on his death. My grandparents had four children, and three of those children had each had two children. So me, my sister, and my four cousins all received money on my DGF’s death. We were all young adults by this time. My grandmother was the only other beneficiary.

My childless uncle fell out with his siblings as he thought that he should have received basically 2 grandchildren’s worth of money, even though our parents didn’t inherit anything, and we, the grandchildren, were all separate human beings in our own right.

If you would like your parents to support you financially, OP, you should talk to them about that. But this has nothing to do with the gifts your parents choose to give to their grandchildren. You have fallen into a very distorted way of thinking about this.

Seeingadistance · 04/12/2022 14:44

mrsbyers · 02/12/2022 17:09

I e experienced the same , the worst for me was when my mother said that she was going to change her Will to leave a third each to me and my brother and the other third to his two kids , I tried to have children of my own and don’t and my nephew and niece will inherit from me and their own parents when we pass so I was not happy and said so

Yeah, if I were your parents, and you complained that your share of inheritance was too small, I’d definitely take that on board, and change my will to make sure that you received nothing.

TarasHarp55 · 04/12/2022 15:00

I understand where you're coming from Op. I have a DD with no children, unlike her siblings who have several. So I always tend to compensate her for that. I don't see why she should dip out itms.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 04/12/2022 15:14

ouch321 · 04/12/2022 11:23

Well it is in a roundabout way.

So let's say sibling was going to buy a bike for his child for £500.
Grandparents give them £500 so they can buy the bike for grandchild hence brother no longer needs to take the money out of his own pocket. Thus he is £500 better off than he would have been.

There was a thread the other day about women who don't have children being deemed lesser and of lower value. This is a good example of this.

Show quote history

If their grandparents bought my child a present that was what I was going to buy them it doesn’t mean I don’t then buy them a present. It just means I have to think of something else to get them instead.

NoSquirrels · 04/12/2022 15:28

So let's say sibling was going to buy a bike for his child for £500.
Grandparents give them £500 so they can buy the bike for grandchild hence brother no longer needs to take the money out of his own pocket. Thus he is £500 better off than he would have been.

But if he didn’t have kids at all, he wouldn’t need to spend £500 on a new bike so he’d also be ‘£500 better off than he would have been’.

It’s a mad argument.

No one has children (hopefully!) thinking they’ll gain a monetary advantage.

There are ways people without children are advantaged - no child-related costs, for a start. There are ways people without children are disadvantaged - society is structured to family groups.

But by grandparents treating everyone as an individual - children and grandchildren - then it is a ‘fair’ system. Unless someone believes they are entitled to more than an equal share because of virtue of birth order or age.

Y7drama · 04/12/2022 16:26

Seeingadistance · 04/12/2022 14:37

Exactly this.

My childless uncle had a similar attitude after my grandfather, his father died. My DGF had taken out some kind of policy for each grandchild, which paid out on his death. My grandparents had four children, and three of those children had each had two children. So me, my sister, and my four cousins all received money on my DGF’s death. We were all young adults by this time. My grandmother was the only other beneficiary.

My childless uncle fell out with his siblings as he thought that he should have received basically 2 grandchildren’s worth of money, even though our parents didn’t inherit anything, and we, the grandchildren, were all separate human beings in our own right.

If you would like your parents to support you financially, OP, you should talk to them about that. But this has nothing to do with the gifts your parents choose to give to their grandchildren. You have fallen into a very distorted way of thinking about this.

Show quote history

wills being about complicated feelings though. A Will is the last chance for a parent to acknowledge their dc’s. Your uncle may have felt his siblings were acknowledged through their dc’s and he wasn’t. I can understand that, although I don’t think I would feel that way. Would depend on relationships before I guess.

Penguin92 · 04/12/2022 21:21

So let’s ask this question then, what could your parents do to make you feel better? Give you a load of cash? Because the money is for your nieces and nephews, not your brother. Also, yes the money is going into his family home, just like the money to pay for the children goes straight back out again, I do not get your stance at all. YABU

Coyoacan · 05/12/2022 15:30

There was a thread the other day about women who don't have children being deemed lesser and of lower value. This is a good example of this

Oh dear, this is such a sad way to look at the world.

I am happily a mother, but if I hadn't had a child, I would have done all the things I would have liked to have done and couldn't because of having a child.

I really don't think anyone is being helped by being encouraged to become bitter and twisted about what other people get.

Seeingadistance · 05/12/2022 15:57

Y7drama · 04/12/2022 16:26

wills being about complicated feelings though. A Will is the last chance for a parent to acknowledge their dc’s. Your uncle may have felt his siblings were acknowledged through their dc’s and he wasn’t. I can understand that, although I don’t think I would feel that way. Would depend on relationships before I guess.

Show quote history

Yes, definitely lots of complicated feelings involved, and inheritance is always a very emotional issue. My point though, was that the OP, like my uncle, seems to see her brother and his children as being almost the same person. It’s this inability to see parents and their children as being separate individuals which is at the heart of this.

For what it’s worth, it was only when contributing to this thread that I realised that I have no idea how much money my sister and cousins received after our DGF died. I had given it no thought at all. I am regularly surprised by posts on here where MNers know the detailed financial business of other family members, and it usually leads to grievance and hurt. Better, I think, to limit your concern to your own affairs! When it comes to the financial affairs of other people - what you don’t know can’t hurt you!