Brother's kids and grandparent hand outs

[Theprinterwillnotbloodywork]

I'm fully expecting to be old I am being unreasonable but I'm feeling really quite upset and wondered if I could run something by your wise Mumsnetters. I am a regular by the way I've just name changed in case I'm spotted by SIL.

DB and SIL have children, lots of children. I have none. I only have one sibling. My parents are not wealthy but they're OK and have a bit of spare cash and are generous. They've spent A LOT of money on my nieces and nephews over the years - I get this, they're grandparents. But as a childfree woman I've had very little from them. Every Christmas I see the bags and bags of gifts (when they were smaller) now it's fat envelopes each. Please don't turn this into a thread about the wastefulness of plastic at Christmas, it's not about that.

Recently I was told they had a savings account set up for eldest nephew for his Uni fund. There is a bit of a gap between him and DB's next child so the others are not yet Uni ready. I wasn't supported for Uni (didn't expect to be) and just got on with it, student loan and all.

So my AIBU is am I BU for being a bit pissed off that brother gets all this preferential treatment via his kids when I get nothing? If I had kids they'd probably all get less as the money would be spread out.

Being given financial help by parents as an adult isn't something anyone should expect.

My brothers children are older than mine...should I expect my parents to backdate the money they spent on them and give it to my children... 🫤

Thanks there's a lot of support here and I appreciate it.

I can also take the knocks too, I wouldn't have posted on AIBU otherwise. It helps to see both sides. Also thanks to those who got the offensive post removed.

The assumption that single, childfree people don't need money and should just limp along on a pittance is extremely offensive.

Looks like growing resentment that he had an easier life.

He stayed home for uni, could you not of done the same? So yes he got help but he picked a uni close to home it’s not that they actually rented him a place or paid rent to somebody he just didn’t move out.

I don’t think it would cross any persons minds to go of I’ve brought the grandchildren something best make sure to offer daughter £80 for her gas bill. They are enjoying buying gifts the childrens want and enjoy making them happy at a guess.

Yes it indirectly helps your brother as it means he doesn’t need to buy it but it’s not a snub on you personally. If you need money speak to them but honestly it wouldn’t ever cross my mind to offer someone money for gas or electric or to do a food shop for them unless they where either very clearly struggling or asked me.

You are seeing your brothers children as extensions of him, rather than people in their own right.

In my world, adult children should be helping their parents, not complaining that they aren't being given gifts as if they were children.

You’re unreasonable about Gift buying, they buy for all the family members, the gifts are for the grandchildren themselves. If the family becomes bigger they buy for each member. Generally adults get less than kids. However the uni money I can see isn’t really fair. Did they really give you nothing at all?

OP, I get you completely and your parents are a being a bit insensitive not to think of you more. But then, the kind of parents who have an obvious favourite are not the kind to dwell too much on other peoples sensitivities. The Uni fund is the one that would really burn, they are literally doing more for a grandchild than their own child. Even if they have the means to do this now and didnt then, they could have a conversation with you about it acknowledging the disparity. I have one sibling only, she doesn't have children and I do. As it happens, I'm the poor one and they are good to me and children. But it's not in any kind of a lavish way and they are very good to my sister too, in slightly different ways. I really don't think they have ever made her feel 'less than' because she doesn't have children. And I would pull them up on it fairly fast if they did. Your brother sounds a bit of a dose with his shiny super-sized family 🙄 and his paw out. Five children, FFS.

I understand what you mean but they are all individual people. Your parents get joy and love from their relationship with your brother but also with each and every individual grandchild. I also presume your brother gives them a larger gift than you? I give PIL/DPs a gift from myself and then one from the children to "even out" a bit more the amount we receive vs them.

My DP were not fair with how they treated me and my siblings so I try to always make time for each of my children and treat them as individuals with their own lives and tailor things to them.

It's really disingenuous to say that gifts to the grandchildren don't benefit the brother.

Look at it like this - no one has any kids, no one gets a handout from their parents, everyone is as well off as their individual circumstances (career choice, opportunities etc) allow. OP earns what she earns, her brother earns what he earns, no one gets extra.

Add in the children, and OP still earns what she earns, brother likewise, but he benefits only in as much as he doesn’t have to spend the £80 per child on football kit. Maybe he wouldn’t have anyway.

He might have to pay a bit less than he would if his parents weren’t directly treating the grandchildren, but overall the gift is not to him.

I do appreciate that if historically he’s always been golden boy though, it feels different.

You do realise grandchildren normally have a “ higher hierarchy “when it comes to grandparent love and worry right ?
Its only normal they like to spoil them . I’m sure they will do the same for any children you have . You should be happy for your nephews not jealous !!

Ironically DB rarely remembers to buy parents a Christmas card and never a mothers/fathers day card. Gifts are extremely rare the other way around.

I can get where you're coming from. Although I also think it would be unfair on the children for them not to be treated by their grandparents. I never had any and my parents struggled to afford basic things for us as children so I was raised completely differently to how my child/ren will be raised due to them having grandparents.

On a similar type of note FIL told me the other month that they have savings bank accounts for each GC for when they're older, which I thought was really thoughtful initially. But then I thought about it and BIL has several children whereas we only have one, so FIL is spending more in total on BIL's children technically speaking. I personally think it should be like a will whereby money is split evenly between the children who then split it down to the grandchildren. But then that's probably seen as unreasonable. And I am very grateful that they are giving anything to the GC as I never got a penny from any GC as a child.

Depends entirely on whether they give DBrother more than you in the value of the present? If its the same then YABU. The grandchildren are individuals not an extension of DB

Have you spoken to your parents about how you feel that they can afford to help a grandchild with uni costs now when they couldn't support you?

Whilst I think they should be free to spend their money how they want I do I think you need to call them out on this sort of inequality.

YANBU. I do wish grandparents would think about the impact their generosity can have , if it’s not given out fairly and equally. It’s hurtful.

Don't be silly, he's a man!! And no doubt one with a BIJ and you know he has 5 children to think about. Don't let YOURSELF be landed with the dutiful daughter role as your parents age. Suit yourself, everyone else seems to be doing so.

What on earth is offensive about an adult being expected to support themselves financially??! Have I missed something? Is the brother not supporting himself and his family financially, with his wife?

Whether the OP is single by choice or not, childfree by choice or not, barring a disability or inability to support herself why does she feel entitled to financial help from her parents for living when she’s an adult herself, and has no dependents either? Is self-sufficiency too much to ask?

It’s utterly ridiculous to say that by giving to their grandchildren her parents are effectively giving to her brother. By that measure, anyone anywhere who has ever given anything to my D.C. is helping me financially - no, they’re not doing something nice for the children, they’re helping me financially. Jesus wept.

OP I understand what you are saying, and it does stem from your brother being the favourite. He knows it and that is why he enjoys all the handouts.

If this were me (and it was me) I would concentrate on my own life and living it the best I can. Do buy your family presents but cut your cloth according to your coat.
Can't you complain to your parents if you feel really bad? Although if this were me I would not but I'm not you.
My brother and sisters got loads of help in so many ways and I got none. I am glad I didn't because everything I have ever done is off my own bat and not someone' else's (bank account)

I think you are jealous really. It’s understandable because he has what you want, but that’s what that feeling is called. You need to stop comparing and certainly need to stand on your own feet financially. At this stage you should be treating your parents if anything not the other way around.

So the OP is broke, her parents give loads to the well off DB’s kids and nothing to her, and she’s the one who should be helping out the parents? Really?

Wow, pretty startling lack of empathy there.

And it doesn't sound as if her parents have killed themselves in the service of her needs, including emotional ones (i.e the favouritism towards the brother) so I see no great call for treating them. Especially if Goldenballs doesn't bother his arse doing so.

Yabu, they are giving to their grandchildren, not your DB.

You would very resentful.

They're doing it for their grandchildren, not your brother. My parents forked over a lot of money for my wedding last month, my brother knows how much they spent and is fine with it as it's just a part of moving along through life with family. Just the same, husband and I don't get jealous that our niece and nephew get loads of gifts as we know it's about the children, and I'm sure ours will be just a spoiled when we have our own children. It's not about equality, it's about equity.

Recently I was told they had a savings account set up for eldest nephew for his Uni fund. There is a bit of a gap between him and DB's next child so the others are not yet Uni ready. I wasn't supported for Uni (didn't expect to be) and just got on with it, student loan and all.

Did they support your DB through uni? Parents often start unloading their assets in later years to the benefit of GC (and to save on inheritance tax) in a way which they were not in a position to when their own DC were young.