Brother's kids and grandparent hand outs

[Theprinterwillnotbloodywork]

I'm fully expecting to be old I am being unreasonable but I'm feeling really quite upset and wondered if I could run something by your wise Mumsnetters. I am a regular by the way I've just name changed in case I'm spotted by SIL.

DB and SIL have children, lots of children. I have none. I only have one sibling. My parents are not wealthy but they're OK and have a bit of spare cash and are generous. They've spent A LOT of money on my nieces and nephews over the years - I get this, they're grandparents. But as a childfree woman I've had very little from them. Every Christmas I see the bags and bags of gifts (when they were smaller) now it's fat envelopes each. Please don't turn this into a thread about the wastefulness of plastic at Christmas, it's not about that.

Recently I was told they had a savings account set up for eldest nephew for his Uni fund. There is a bit of a gap between him and DB's next child so the others are not yet Uni ready. I wasn't supported for Uni (didn't expect to be) and just got on with it, student loan and all.

So my AIBU is am I BU for being a bit pissed off that brother gets all this preferential treatment via his kids when I get nothing? If I had kids they'd probably all get less as the money would be spread out.

You and your brother are both treated equally (i.e. no big gifts).

Your nephews and nieces are given gifts from their grandparents.

Your parents are entitled to spend their money how they like, and treating/helping out grandparents is a perfectly normal and lovely thing to do. If you had children, no doubt they'd buy them generous gifts too.

You are not being treated unfairly at all. In fact, it feels like you are suggesting you alone should get amount matching what your parent share between your brother and multiple grandchildren. This would be really unfair, why do you think you are entitled to 4/5/6 times the amount that everyone else gets?

You are one individual
Your brother is one individual
Each grandchild is one individual.
Money given to the grandchildren is not money being given to your brother!

Thanks, IVF was a long time ago and I've built a new life. It still hurts like fuck that DB is golden balls and always will be. Ironically he announced SIL was pregnant with their 2nd child the same week my last attempt at IVF failed.

I think if you had children your parents would buy them things and provide childcare too.
You haven't and because your a grown up your parents feel they have done their bit raising you and may not realise you need their financial support.
Your nieces and nephews are the next generation and your parents like spoiling them, I know my parents do.
Maybe it's the emotional support your missing.

@Theprinterwillnotbloodywork well adopt.

Are you resentful to your brother for having kids?

I don't have kids. My brother does. My parents by his kids (one bio and one not ) and his ex's partners little one (non-bio) and have taken the ex's daughter on holiday (even post separation). I have never felt annoyed about any of it. They're kids and it's nice for them so I'm happy for them. You sound a bit bitter but perhaps there more to it.

Yes so it's the background not the kids themselves.

My parents are the same with my brother. I put a post up once explaining similar and got slated by MN. Don't take it serious.

So sorry. Did your parents offer any help with the cosy of the IVF? I’m guessing not.

Cost, not cosy.

LOL! Don't ever venture into any kind of caring profession will you?

But why do you need money in your family pot, when it's just you?

Some grandparents divide what they have equally between their children, regardless of how many grandchildren they have and how they're distributed between children.

Some parents think they've done what they need to do for their children and now they want to bestow on their grandchildren.

Obviously, your parents are in the second category. You want them to be in the first.

I completely get where you are coming from and think posters have been really harsh on you.

People are saying your brother isn’t getting anything but by your parents frequently paying for stuff for his kids, your brother saves money, but you get no similar benefit. I don’t have kids but my siblings do, my parents pay for a lot for them (even though siblings are not short of cash) but my parents like to be scrupulously fair and so find a way to treat DH and I to a similar value.

I agree parents should treat both children but it is standard they spend money on grandchildren. Have a chat with your parents.

Sure if you told parents about area s you were having difficulty funding they would help you out.
Your family may think you very comfortable financially as don't have children and costs that come with them.
Your anger seems to be towards brother because he went to uni close to home and had a few children.
Never know he may be helping your parents out. My parents are great at getting things for my children they have more time for shopping picking things up ECT. But on other side if their car getting work done, going on holidays or need some oil on trank I try pay for those things. People would hear kid saying Granny got me new coat but won't hear Granny saying they paid my car repair bill.

Do you think childfree people live for free? I have one wage and a home to run - not my parents problem I know. But by funding his childcare and buying gifts and clothes and everything else they are saving him money.

YANBU. They're subsidizing his lifestyle but not yours.

I'd be cooling toward them.

So what do you want OP? Your parents to say "We bought the grandkids some bits and because you don't have children here's £50?"

So if OP wants a lifestyle that costs a lot of money she is just out of luck, eh?

You clearly are jealous and it is absolutely pathetic.

It was really helpful when my teens clocked the favouritism. Allowed me to detach from the hurt.
Recently I met some old school friends they actually used the phrase 'Goldenballs' about my brother, they knew my parents and my teen and 20s well.

Do you have some witnesses to voice the dynamic they see?

Exactly this.

Maybe occasionally yes, that would be nice. For example, there's five kids. One is a big footie supporter and likes to have the current kit, they buy it for him every year. It's about £80 so they give the other 4 gifts to the value of £80. That's £400. So if they said to me, Printer, here's £100 towards your gas bill?? Does that makes it clearer?

@HomeRabbit thanks for the understanding - you get it, you've been there.

It's really disingenuous to say that gifts to the grandchildren don't benefit the brother.

Lots of posters are trotting out the line that it’s your parents’ money and they can choose how they spend it - but that’s the whole point. Your mum and dad are choosing not to give you money or treat you and it’s extremely hurtful. And you can be upset about it yet still love your nieces and nephews. So no you are not being unreasonable.

I've reported that spectacularly offensive post about adoption.

I'm so sorry, OP. People are misunderstanding what's going on, I think. It's not about the children, it's about their indifference to you, and their spoiling of your brother.

I'd see it, and walk on by I think. Also perhaps you need to make your tight finances more visible. If you are also spending a lot on the DC who are so well provided for by others, then scale back.