Brother's kids and grandparent hand outs

[Theprinterwillnotbloodywork]

I'm fully expecting to be old I am being unreasonable but I'm feeling really quite upset and wondered if I could run something by your wise Mumsnetters. I am a regular by the way I've just name changed in case I'm spotted by SIL.

DB and SIL have children, lots of children. I have none. I only have one sibling. My parents are not wealthy but they're OK and have a bit of spare cash and are generous. They've spent A LOT of money on my nieces and nephews over the years - I get this, they're grandparents. But as a childfree woman I've had very little from them. Every Christmas I see the bags and bags of gifts (when they were smaller) now it's fat envelopes each. Please don't turn this into a thread about the wastefulness of plastic at Christmas, it's not about that.

Recently I was told they had a savings account set up for eldest nephew for his Uni fund. There is a bit of a gap between him and DB's next child so the others are not yet Uni ready. I wasn't supported for Uni (didn't expect to be) and just got on with it, student loan and all.

So my AIBU is am I BU for being a bit pissed off that brother gets all this preferential treatment via his kids when I get nothing? If I had kids they'd probably all get less as the money would be spread out.

I'm a grandparent in similar situation but the DC with the DGC is the one who is less well off. We have helped a lot both with childcare and buying things from time to time. Our other DC doesn't seem to mind at all but I am always conscious of trying to make things fair in the long run in the (increasingly likely) scenario that they do not have children of their own. It is a dilemma.

I wonder what you should do OP.
Why are you earning less than DB?
Should you tell the DPs you are hurt?
I'm not sure what you should do for the best. Can you move away and therefore not know what DPs are doing.

do your parents actually know you are struggling and need help? That’s the biggest thing.

Good God. Did you scream and stamp your foot as you typed that?

Of course YABU.

I see your point but on MN the majority are parents and won't. By the way I'm a parent and grandparent before anyone starts. To say they're not paying into your husband's household is so utterly naive, every moment they give in the way of free child care is money your brother doesn't have to find from their money.

This.

I don't thin you're unreasonable AT ALL, @Theprinterwillnotbloodywork

Siblings with DC can be very self-centred within families - they see themselves as 'naturally' having priority because they've produced the grandchildren. It's unfair.

I can see how hurtful it is that your parents have started a fund to support your nephew at university when you - their own daughter - received no support from them.

Money in families means more than simply the material resources it brings. Money often symbolises regard and priority. Your parents appear to be showing their overwhelming regard for their son, over you - simply because their son has children. But you are worthy of their support, as yourself.

Could you have a conversation with them framed in this way? Not about what they give to your brother for his children, but about what this generosity symbolises, for example, when your needs were not met when you went to university, and are overlooked now? And emphasise it's not about having an equal amount of cash lavished on you, but about how you, in comparison. appear to receive no indication of their ongoing care and approval and that this matters to you.

YANBU - it's hugely hurtful when parents show this kind of favouritism. They probably don't realise that's what they're doing. They will probably say - as many PP here say - that it's "natural" for grandparents to lavish resources on grandchildren. All you're asking them to do is to think about how this feels to you - that they are uncaring or dismissive of your life choices (or lack of choice - not having children is often NOT a choice).

What rubbish, providing free childcare is advantageous to the brother as he doesn't have to pay it.

I can see what op is on about.
The brother does aave loads so in essence it is financially better for him than op.
He doesn't need to buy many presents or give big cash, he doesn't have to pay for kid's uni etc. That is all money into his pocket via GP's generosity towards the children.

I can see why all that plus no support at uni would make one humhph.

Sorry IVF failed! I tried.

Oh, a huge unMumsnetty hug from me, @Theprinterwillnotbloodywork Most PP on MN are parents and won't have any understanding of the conflict in your feelings. Because I'm guessing that you don't like being envious of your brother. Your parents seem to have behaved badly in their parenting and have set up this dynamic.

If I were you (and my situation was close to yours) I'd limit my contact with them all, and live my own life as fully and freely as I could - my solution in a situation where I was the infertile sibling and so saw a lot of family resources and parental approval & regard going to my siblings, was to emigrate & get a job where I earned a fair bit of dosh, so I could establish myself independently. But that's a fairly dramatic response!

The fact you wanted to have children and couldn't is significant here. I am sorry OP.

You are blaming uour parents for not spending money on children you have not got!

I am a parent but I totally get and am sympathetic to the OPs feelings. So there are some of us! My only sibling couldn't have any children and because I love her and am mosly not a dick, I would like to think I would shut down any of that kind of favouritism. Thankfully, my parents are fairly ambivelant about all of us 🤣. Well not really, but they're not the lavishing or adoring type.

Sweet Jesus, could you be more of a c**t?

All these posters going on about the precious grandchildren when your parents' own daughter is struggling is making me sad and angry all at once.
It's a separate point.
Mary and Jack have Ann, Bob and Cat. When Ann has a baby Deke, do you expect them to give Bob and Cat £50each twice a year to equal what they give Deke? When Bob has Triplets, do you expect him to spend £150 on Deke, £50 on each triplet and send Cat £150 twice a year to make it even?

They should treat their kids fairly, and then the grandkids fairly to each other.

They should help OP out as she's struggling because they're her parents, not because her brothers kids get £500 a year spent on them. They should help what they can afford / she needs, not calculate how much money they've given the kids in the last decade and only offer that..

I’m in a very similar position OP and I totally understand. It is a case of extra money put into your brother’s household over yours.

They should help what they can afford / she needs,

This is true @SleepingStandingUp but it's clear that her parents have rarely thought about the OP's needs throughout her life. She's now seeing how they treat their grandchildren, who happen to be the DC of their favourite child. And she's realising all over again, in ways that she can't overlook (as we do when we're children ourselves) that her parents have rarely considered her needs.

It seems to me that the OP is realising this by seeing the contrast with the way her nephews & nieces are treated so generously. THis is driving home how care-less or thoughtless her parents were for her, as a child & growing up.

There must be quite deep pain there, I imagine.

I think the response from @WindyHedges is pretty much spot on.

Obviously your parents can spend their money how they wish, so in that respect YABU. However, I would feel exactly the same as you do at how unfair it seems. Absolutely your brother will be benefiting from his 5 kids getting money getting spent on them.

Some of the comments on here are intentionally cruel. I have no idea why people choose to be so nasty.

Sorry OP, if you are university educated, why are you broke and needing hand-outs from your parents?

Sorry OP that your getting lots of judgmental comments here, I’m guessing most of the people making such comments have children and don’t understand your perspective at all…

Im childfree too. I have 2 elder brothers, one is childfree and the other has 2 lovely children (now teenagers though!) … My DM is very generous even though she doesn’t have a lot herself, of course she dotes on her grandchildren… but she doesn’t forget her childfree adult children either. She always makes a point to treat me when I visit and doesn’t let me pay for anything which I protest about because I don’t want her to feel taken advantage of but she insists. She makes a point to buy everyone nice gifts for Christmas , birthdays etc … This generosity is there for all her children , there are no favourites from what I can tell… Also at Christmas I make a point of finding a really nice gift for my childfree brother and his DW , as well as gifts for the other brother and his family. I would never want any of them to feel left out or that I favour one over the other.

OP it sounds to me like your parents are favouring your brother in a financial way, perhaps because he has children maybe? … Either way it’s a shitty thing to do, and I definitely see this as an example of discrimination against the childfree…

No one is saying that yours or OPs money shouldn't spend money on her /you but it sounds like your Mom likes to spend money on you. She isn't thinking oh gosh that's presents for David's octuplets coming up at £800, I better send the other two cheques for £800 so they match. And yes I have kdis now, but I didn't expect financial recompense for the 14 years my parents brought presents for my niblings but not me

You must be reading a very different thread.

OP has been attacked by the entitled parent brigade. Told to adopt ffs. Some shameful responses. Predictable but shameful nonetheless.

I completely understand OP. It must hurt.

I’ve also spent a lot of money myself on my niece and nephew and any inheritance I do receive (just lost my dad) is now set aside for them in my Will I helped my niece financially through Uni and will do the same with nephew etc as I do have more disposable income and adore them so they both already have quite a nice savings pot.

My mum I think was concerned that my brother would squander any inheritance or need to use it to pay debt and the kids would end up with nothing but again I don’t see why I should be impacted. It was me and my husband who uprooted to be nearer to parents last year to help care for my dad and my mum as she ages too so it felt like a kick in the teeth at the time.

Having read all your further updates I'm really struggling with any other response than"GROW UP!"

It's for the grandkids not the kids. Your parents might not have been as fortunate when you were younger to pay for things that they now pay for for the grandkids. If you had kids they would be doing the same with your kids. They are not singling anyone out, they are just spending money on their grandchildren.

My mum didn't spend a lot on us but spoils her grandchildren. I do feel a bit sorry for my child-free sister in that respect. She would never feel that way though, she spoils the kids too!
Try to see it as them having relationships with people. Not your brother's children, human beings that they love and love them in return.