Fairly contributing to finances with baby

[ChampagneLassie]

DP earns a lot and has enjoyed generous increases lately. I got made redundant and subsequently had a baby who is now 8 months so no income. We both had approximately equal savings pre baby but I'm running down my savings to live on whilst he's adding to his and it doesn't feel fair. Presently we split joint finances 50/50 and each deal with our own personal. We're TTC with intention that I'll wait till B2 is 1 before getting a job.
I'd have hoped we'd be getting married by this point but not on the cards. He's open to discuss this and paying more. I don't know what I think is fair to ask for. Im conscious that the longer this goes on the bigger impact to me long term. Ideally he'd value me homemaking and SAHM for time frame and just pay for everything till I got another job but that seems unlikely. I'm thinking all joint expenses Any suggestions?

I'm a single parent and it's hard doing it alone with one child. If I were you I would not be even considering a second child until the tight git steps up financially. Either you are a partnership or you aren't and it doesn't sound like you are. He won't marry you, won't support you financially... Is there anything appealing about him?

As an unmarried sahm you’re immensely financially vulnerable. Why is marriage not on the cards? I wouldn’t be TTC right now.

You have no job and are caring for a baby whilst still paying 50/50. OP you know that's not right. He needs to be paying more!

If you’re at home with a small baby and no income he should be paying for everything including your spending money.

You are in a very financially vulnerable position and it would be very unwise to have another baby until this is sorted and you have financial security (marriage, joint ownership of home, etc).

Don't have a second baby without being married. He should be covering 100% of all household expenses and your personal expenses whilst you are at home looking after the baby, unless he doesn't think of you as a family then that is what should have happened as soon as you were made redundant. If you can get another job and put the baby in childcare and each pay the cost in accordance with your then earnings. You are subsidising his life at the moment not the other way round. I imagine you are covering the cost of childcare and all household cleaning cooking shopping etc which would presumably have been shared equally previously so by doing all of those things you are saving him money.

Holy shit OP you are incredibly vulnerable right now. Stop running through your savings. Stop paying 50%. Get an income of your own ASAP and don't under any circumstances get pregnant again.

Exactly this. He should be paying for EVERYTHING. If he isn't having to dip into his savings, why should you be taking a penny out of yours?

How can you pay 50/50 when you have no job? Absolutely unfair of him to expect you to use your savings.

I never understand once people move in and have kids why their money isnt joint.

X amount spent on bills
X amount for savings
X amount for each partner to do with as they wish

Your job is to look after the child , house etc and support him working

you have no income so he pays 100%

personally i would be looking to go back to work as soon as possible, and even then costs should be split proportional to the income

no way would i be having a second child unless married

Any solution that doesn’t give each ‘partner’ equal access to money and when everything is paid for, the same amount of disposable income to spend on whatever they like is utter bollocks. Sorry but he doesn’t seem like he values you at all. Have you heard of financial abuse? Your best bet would be to get on contraception, get the baby into nursery and go back to work. Then you have options.

Don't have another baby with him.

What? You are paying from your savings! After having his baby and staying home looking after it! How did you end up doing that? We pooled finances and even before that we just shared what we had. I couldn't be with a bloke that thought his money was his etc.

That's horrendous OP, you shouldn't have had to touch your savings...why weren't you provided for 100%? That's the right thing...

I can’t even with these posts right now. Do NOT have another baby with him under any circumstances

When I went on maternity leave my DH offered to put his ENTIRE salary in the joint bank account so it would cover all bills and I'd have easy access to any money I needed (he didn't realise I'd get maternity pay so we then adjusted to take that into account [.

Your partner should do the same.

Omg you have a child together why is everything just not being shared !!

Your partner should absolutely be supporting you and his child while you are on maternity leave. This is why DH and I agreed to combine finances completely when we got married, as it is completely unfair on the parent who is not working (either gender, as DH did take some shared parental leave too).

You need to ask whether that is an option for your relationship, and if not and marriage is not on the cards I would not risk another pregnancy at this stage.

There was a post the other day where the OP had got an earful from her friend for suggesting that she get married before TTC due to being a v low earner with no savings, and there was a considerable pileon in the comments about how unreasonable OP had been to even mention it. And yet we're still being deluged with posts from women in incredibly vulnerable positions! I don't get it.

I'd say you should get married before DC2 even if just a very quiet cheap one (in case he pulls the "I don't want a big expensive circus" card). He should pay all household expenses and give you an amount for you to buy things for you and the DC. You should absolutely not be paying for any routine life expenses from your savings!

When you start back at work, I prefer the route where you basically put everything in one pot and have the same spending/saving money each. If that doesn't work, you should pay proportionately at least so for eg if he earns 50K and you earn 25K, he should put in 2/3 of the bill/mortgage/nursery money and you pay 1/3.

Why would you be paying? I am on maternity allowance. I am self employed. So my income has dramatically reduced. I pay no bills. My DP transfers me money for things the children need, groceries etc. A set budget we worked out together based on what I would usually spend. These are expenses I usually cover, but the maternity allowance would not stretch to. If there are extra expenses, I can take from joint savings, or just tell him he needs to transfer more (which is what I do as I dislike touching savings). So I still have about the same amount of personal money as I did while working, as does he. We save less.

You also need to have money for yourself and not to have to go cap in hand asking for money for moisturiser or whatever. We prefer separate accounts, but it is important to us both that we each have personal money, and obviously that our bills etc are covered. It is not ok for someone to be depleting savings while the other is profiting. He is profiting from your unpaid labour. Are these savings he pays into joint? Is anything about your finances joint?

I would be discussing how much he is going to transfer monthly so you are not negatively impacted, or entirely merging everything so you can both access what you need.

If you're a SAHM you need to combine finances. You can't contribute if you're not earning and it's not fair that you'd have nothing to spend personally. All money goes into a pot, all expenses comes out (mortgage, bills etc), you each get a set amount of personal money to spend and rest into savings.

If he's not open to it, stop TTC. Get a job. You're too vulnerable. The current situation of demanding you pay when you're not earning is financially abusive.

Do not have another baby until you’ve ironed this out. Agree while you have no income he should be covering all costs.

I could not spend my life with someone so selfish as to make me live off my own savings while he earned enough to be able to add to his. He does not value you at all.

Don't bring a second child into this. Look into getting some work, even if only part time, so that you can be financially secure independent from him, and then consider whether you want the rest of your life to be like this.

Stop TTC! Stop having sex with him full stop.

If he’s got enough salary to put money into his savings he’s got enough money to cover 100% of household outgoings. Frankly he also ought to replenish your savings pot too.