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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fairly contributing to finances with baby

211 replies

ChampagneLassie · 30/11/2022 13:31

DP earns a lot and has enjoyed generous increases lately. I got made redundant and subsequently had a baby who is now 8 months so no income. We both had approximately equal savings pre baby but I'm running down my savings to live on whilst he's adding to his and it doesn't feel fair. Presently we split joint finances 50/50 and each deal with our own personal. We're TTC with intention that I'll wait till B2 is 1 before getting a job.
I'd have hoped we'd be getting married by this point but not on the cards. He's open to discuss this and paying more. I don't know what I think is fair to ask for. Im conscious that the longer this goes on the bigger impact to me long term. Ideally he'd value me homemaking and SAHM for time frame and just pay for everything till I got another job but that seems unlikely. I'm thinking all joint expenses Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 30/11/2022 14:33

He should be covering your pension contributions and half of your lost income. You should also be paying expenses proportional to income not 50:50.

having a 2nd child in this situation is a horrible idea. He should replenish your savings and change the arrangement going forward.

cptartapp · 30/11/2022 14:34

All monies into a joint pot relative to what each earns by %. So if his income is four times yours, he puts four times more in. That's when you're working.
If you're not in work he pays for everything.
Poor choices. Big trouble ahead.

Theskyisfallingdown · 30/11/2022 14:34

Did you already know all the stuff in that citizens advice bureau link, OP? How are you mitigating all the huge disadvantages and vulnerabilities you’ve chosen to have so far?

FlorettaB · 30/11/2022 14:34

I’d be checking the going rate for full time childcare near you and using the CMS calculator to see what he’d need to pay you if you split. If you do split, the CMS payment would be all he’d have to contribute and for you to have an income you’d have to cover the cost of childcare. It may be doable with one child but it’s very unlikely you’ll be able to cover childcare costs for two children.

CloudyYellow · 30/11/2022 14:35

gaf · 30/11/2022 13:38

As an unmarried sahm you’re immensely financially vulnerable. Why is marriage not on the cards? I wouldn’t be TTC right now.

This
Not being old fashioned but why do women have children before getting married and then end up with men that behave like this because they can.

LeavesOnTrees · 30/11/2022 14:35

In your situation, unless your partner steps up you can't afford a second child.

RandomMusings7 · 30/11/2022 14:36

CloudyYellow · 30/11/2022 14:35

This
Not being old fashioned but why do women have children before getting married and then end up with men that behave like this because they can.

Show quote history

Cause the moment broodiness hits, all reason goes out the window. Its sad really

MolliciousIntent · 30/11/2022 14:39

CloudyYellow · 30/11/2022 14:35

This
Not being old fashioned but why do women have children before getting married and then end up with men that behave like this because they can.

Show quote history

Because they care more about having kids than actually being able to provide them with an emotionally and financially secure home. They focus on what they want and disregard what's actually best for the children.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 30/11/2022 14:39

It's so sad, to read yet another post about a vulnerable woman with no income, a baby and a tight, financially controlling partner......

He needs to be stepping up and supporting both you and the baby 100%.

Dacadactyl · 30/11/2022 14:39

How long were you together before you got pregnant OP? Does he have other children? Did you discuss your first baby?

Quitelikeit · 30/11/2022 14:40

Well you’re not going to be able to show him the thread now after some of your recent posts

however I find it ridiculous that you are paying to stay at home and look after his child!!!

seems sad that he was not willing to support you even a bit to give your child the experience of being home with its mum for a year or two

do you realise that full time nursery fees for two babies is going to be at least £2000pm does he realise this?

FinallyHere · 30/11/2022 14:40

with intention that I'll wait till B2 is 1 before getting a job.

If this really is a jointly agreed intention, how does he expect your life to be funded? Does he really expect you to use your own savings to pay household expenses 50:50 while you are not working and growing your joint baby?

What rent are you charging g him for his half of the baby in your womb?

Go on, ask him.

I'm so sorry for your situation.

girlmom21 · 30/11/2022 14:40

Don't keep spending your savings if he wants you to stay at home until a second baby is 1. That's bonkers.

Original poster
ChampagneLassie · 30/11/2022 14:43

CloudyYellow · 30/11/2022 14:35

This
Not being old fashioned but why do women have children before getting married and then end up with men that behave like this because they can.

Show quote history

Honestly in my case I sort of ran out of time and I guess a bit like musical chairs this one was there. The alternative was literally go it alone IVF and sperm bank so.

To answer a few Q.
We rent.
My savings are considerable, I could live off them for 10 years (but note I don't own property) . Whether he says or goes I want to focus this time on my baby and ideally have another and I'll get a job when I'm ready.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 30/11/2022 14:45

No offence but im not surprised he doesnt want to marry you 😬

"He was just there". Poor bloke.

pattihews · 30/11/2022 14:47

I've read all your posts, OP. Okay, I get it — you want, you want, you want.

What I'm not hearing is how you're planning for decent, secure futures for your children, let alone yourself.

TicketToParadise · 30/11/2022 14:47

ChampagneLassie · 30/11/2022 14:30

The opposite I felt I was running out of options, I'd have loved to have met someone who ticked all the boxes. It didn't happen. In the end I felt it was this or go alone which would have been a much bigger financial burden. I love him but I do think the arrangement is unfair. I guess I'm looking to try to change it without it feeling like a fight. I'd have hoped he'd have wanted to do it and he'd have thought these things, particularly with the pay increases but he hasn't. I also don't want him to push me to get a job I don't want or put off TTC hence I've been wary of how to bring this up.

Jesus wept

What on earth is wrong with you, choosing to bring a child into such a shit show for no other reason than money essentially.

Original poster
ChampagneLassie · 30/11/2022 14:48

I think it is a joint intention and I was hoping he'd think about the finances. He wanted a bigger gap till next baby but I said that means even longer me not earning and he agreed.

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 30/11/2022 14:50

OP you are completely blinded by your want of a second child. Stop TTC with a man who doesnt want the commitment of marriage. You need a shake. This situation is ridiculous.

Every time someone asks why on earth did you have a second child with an arsehole they get flamed, yet posts like this show clearly that some women are completely ignoring of all warning signs their partner is an arse. It’s so frustrating.

RandomMusings7 · 30/11/2022 14:50

Do you realise how utterly selfish it is to have another baby when you know your partner is useless and most probably won't stick around?

It's one thing when families break apart due to later events, but to plan it out that way and be so blase about who you chose to father your children shows absolte disregard for the well-being of your potential children.

It's all about you, isn't it?

Original poster
ChampagneLassie · 30/11/2022 14:50

Well it's not like that either. I mean if I were 28 I'd have given him short shrift and held out for someone who was willing to commit. But I'm not. I love him, we have a great relationship in lots of ways.

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 30/11/2022 14:51

RandomMusings7 · 30/11/2022 14:50

Do you realise how utterly selfish it is to have another baby when you know your partner is useless and most probably won't stick around?

It's one thing when families break apart due to later events, but to plan it out that way and be so blase about who you chose to father your children shows absolte disregard for the well-being of your potential children.

It's all about you, isn't it?

Yes agree with this. He won’t marry you, seems completely nonplussed about your financial well-being. Put your child over your want of an imaginary not yet conceived one and if he refuses to marry you I’d leave.

RandomMusings7 · 30/11/2022 14:52

ChampagneLassie · 30/11/2022 14:50

Well it's not like that either. I mean if I were 28 I'd have given him short shrift and held out for someone who was willing to commit. But I'm not. I love him, we have a great relationship in lots of ways.

You have savings to last you 10 years, yet going the sperm donor route would have been to expensive?

I don't buy it

NameIsBryceQuinlan · 30/11/2022 14:53

You are a family unit, he should be supporting you.

I actually was in a similar position, unmarried, not working much because our son has additional needs. My dp (now DH) paid for everything it wasn't even a discussion. It was our family. He would never have let me run through savings

Itsbeenashortyear · 30/11/2022 14:53

ChampagneLassie · 30/11/2022 14:48

I think it is a joint intention and I was hoping he'd think about the finances. He wanted a bigger gap till next baby but I said that means even longer me not earning and he agreed.

It’s a not a joint intention though.

You chose not to get another job when made redundant and live off savings. That was the joint intention. You would both still be joint financing the bills. That was the joint intention. There’s never been a joint intention that he becomes the sole earner.

i wouldn’t marry someone who wanted kids with me because I was ‘just there at the right time’. It’s not even decent relationship because you won’t visit the original agreement of continuing to both pay towards bills because you know he has never had any intention of being the sole earner and that you have always been fully aware of this.