Fairly contributing to finances with baby

[ChampagneLassie]

DP earns a lot and has enjoyed generous increases lately. I got made redundant and subsequently had a baby who is now 8 months so no income. We both had approximately equal savings pre baby but I'm running down my savings to live on whilst he's adding to his and it doesn't feel fair. Presently we split joint finances 50/50 and each deal with our own personal. We're TTC with intention that I'll wait till B2 is 1 before getting a job.
I'd have hoped we'd be getting married by this point but not on the cards. He's open to discuss this and paying more. I don't know what I think is fair to ask for. Im conscious that the longer this goes on the bigger impact to me long term. Ideally he'd value me homemaking and SAHM for time frame and just pay for everything till I got another job but that seems unlikely. I'm thinking all joint expenses Any suggestions?

Why are there threads like this every day? I can't believe what some woman have to put up with. There is something seriously wrong with society that men think this attitude is acceptable and women are conditioned to expect next to nothing. Very depressing.

No one is suggesting the OP doesnt pay her 50% of everything, but what is not being acknowledged is what his 50% is. The OPs work and time is not free to him, he doesn't get that benefit from a girlfriend, he needs to pay for her time or pay for someone else's to do the same work. It is that simple.

If OP wasn't doing it, they would have to pay someone else. Her being made redundant and then picking up the work that someone else would have to be paid to do, doesn't mean he gets her work for 'free', just as he wont allow her anything for 'free'. That is fairness.

@Propertyindisrepair

@TheMatriarchy yrah I get that. But in this situation the OP didn’t even ask him or agree for her to be sahm. I suspect becaue she knows full well he’s really not actually committed and she was hell bent on having a kid and being a sahm

hes clearly a dick. But I don’t think he’s ever pretended to be otherwise.

and maybe he actually wouldn’t be a dick if the op actually asked him

What jumps out to me here is that when he asked about a pre-nup you said no, you believe in sharing, but he clearly doesn't believe in sharing.

I think you see the three of you as a family, whereas he still sees you as independent individuals.

I get that he never said he was up for supporting the three of you financially while you stay at home. But he was happy to have one child and he is happy to have another, and happy for you to stay at home for several years doing unpaid labour which would have to be paid for out of your joint income if you went back to work, so I do still think he is having his cake and eating it. I think he twigged that your biological clock was ticking and you knew your best chance of having the children you wanted was to stay with him even in less than ideal circumstances, and he's taken advantage of that.

Clearly it isn't fair for the two of you to be paying 50:50 when he is earning a high salary and you are earning nothing. If you invested your savings in a property and he paid the mortgage you would at least have a joint asset and some security. I know you say you could live off your savings for 10 years, but what if it takes you 18 months to get pregnant again, then nine months of pregnancy, then a year's maternity leave? You'll have burned through a third of your savings. And that's assuming you find a job easily after 5+ years out of the workplace, which is far from guaranteed.

In your shoes I would definitely talk to him about managing your finances more fairly, but I would also try to get a job. I know you don't want to, but you have no financial security other than your savings right now, and you have no idea how long it will take you to get pregnant and have a healthy full-term pregnancy.

I would talk to him about doing half of the domestic duties and childcare or charge him for his 50% that you currently provide. Or is he going to share the load and you get back to work..how did you start a family with a man when you hadn't agreed how you would be managing this as a couple. You can't have another baby until you have sorted this out.

Joint account that all his salary goes into. All expenses come out of that, household, children's needs, personal expenses. Nothing else is fair given the circumstances and choices you have both made.

Thanks for the compliment and you're suggestion I think that is the best way to go. I guess I'd hoped he'd have realised and suggested this himself. But this sits more comfortably than me demanding something or comparing with the cost of the service I am delivering.

I despair reading posts like this!!

General learned wisdom from these types of posts needs to be… Don’t have a baby with someone who is selfish and doesn’t want to marry you and don’t give up work to be their unpaid drudge and childcare whilst running down your own safety net. You’re absolutely buggered if he decides to piss off elsewhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

Not having a baby with someone who doesn't want to commit properly is 100% sound advice to someone who is in their early 20s, but when they're in their late 30s not having a baby with the person they're currently with might mean not having a baby at all.

Yes in an ideal world you wouldn't be in that situation but some people are, and I can see why some choose to take these risks.

And I'm not a, SAHM as such, circumstances are such that I didn't get mat leave, I was intending on getting a job but logically having another baby sooner makes sense from career perspective a d my personal well being.

I had a interview this afternoon for a role... I'm deliberating. Maybe I do get a job and if I decide and am able to get pregnant again deal with it.

Was this a virgin birth? If not, charge him for childcare and housekeeping. Both of those services are valuable services that cost money if provided by someone other than a romantic partner. Why should he carry on as normal with a free babysitter while you have to bankrupt yourself looking after the child who is both of your responsibilities? Why should the fact that (boiled down to essentials) because you sleeping together, therefore he's allowed to benefit from your work without giving anything in return?

Do the interview, go for the job op. You need the security. Can I suggest when it comes to sharing the load when you work. You do mornings and he does pick up? Preferably you are at work still since you started late so he has to pick her up and cook her dinner on his own. He has to empty her bag and put the dirty clothes in the wash etc. think of it as training him to care for her as it doesn’t seem like this relationship will last forever, since he doesn’t seem to value you very much.

He should be paying you to look after his dc

If you get the job, take it.

The fact that you went for the interview in the first place shows that your current unemployed status is bothering you.

OP,youre clearly not reading when the girls are saying. You should not be thinking about getting pregnant.
you should fix your relationship and start demanding partnership. The relationship you have now is not fair at all.

Children are not tick boxes because your biological clock is ticking. Great fun for your kids to have a disinterested father and a resentful unhappy mother.
Sort your shit our first....

Agree I'm the same. I'm younger and was a lot younger when I had my DS. I know this will get judged but OP if you want your 2nd baby I would do it because you are 39 and there's so many issues here. You've started now so...

I can't believe you have not bought a house despite earning well!!

Agree with the other poster about marriage it's not just on women. Why are men having babies with women they are not marrying also?

I'm a SAHP and my DH pays for everything from his salary. It's family money and I'm as entitled to it as he is.

Your so called partner is a tight git. He should be paying everything! Don't have another baby until you've sorted this issue.

Why are men having babies with women they are not marrying also?

Because they can walk away from the burden of parenthood at any time and all it costs them is 16% of their income, if that.

While the women are left holding the baby, the lion's share of work, the financial burden and the career tax if they don't go back to work immediately.

Women are fucked over, men benefit, on average. Such a stupid question...

As for "you might as well have a second baby since you started...", do you think another baby needs to be born to an unenthusiastic selfish father who will probably abandon them in the near future? Are babies nothing but accessories to broody women? Fuck their right to being born in stable families and having two involved enthusiastic parents, right @Closuretime?

He could of wore a condom? It's not poor him. OP will be left holding the baby!

The man obviously agreed. He probably was and is stringing her along about this baby and the 2nd "wanting a gap" oh please He knows full well what he is doing. OP is 39 FFS

Don't forget to claim CMS OP if it all goes tits up because none of this sounds great..

Yes OP will be left holding the baby. That's why she should've been a HELL of a lot smarter before getting into this situation. The man holds all the cards in. She is old enough to know this and to know that (at her age) if he "hasn't put a ring on it", her options are limited.

Many people on her chastising me for wanting and having a baby without being in a super stable relationship. Presumably if I was single and IVF you'd condem that? I have sufficent resources to look after 2 children on my own. I've planned for the worst case scenario hoping for the best and now trying to muddle through the middle. He is a good dad when I compare with others I know in terms of practical involvement and he doesn't shirck that. If we split I think we'd be amicable and I'd have majority of care but he'd be involved and not be a dick. He comes from a very large and stable family so it's not just him but his extended family too who I could count on and if he did try to weasle out of anything he'd be blasted by them. I've not been irresponsible. Naive.

I didn't trick him, we both wanted and actively TTC. And he loves being a father, says she is best thing he's ever done.

Of my friends about half are "stable" families planned pregnancies. The other half weren't even planned! And you know 2 of the unplanned ones the couples seem strongest and happiest - now 3 & 4 children and 10+years together. There isn't one right way to do everything.