Fairly contributing to finances with baby

[ChampagneLassie]

DP earns a lot and has enjoyed generous increases lately. I got made redundant and subsequently had a baby who is now 8 months so no income. We both had approximately equal savings pre baby but I'm running down my savings to live on whilst he's adding to his and it doesn't feel fair. Presently we split joint finances 50/50 and each deal with our own personal. We're TTC with intention that I'll wait till B2 is 1 before getting a job.
I'd have hoped we'd be getting married by this point but not on the cards. He's open to discuss this and paying more. I don't know what I think is fair to ask for. Im conscious that the longer this goes on the bigger impact to me long term. Ideally he'd value me homemaking and SAHM for time frame and just pay for everything till I got another job but that seems unlikely. I'm thinking all joint expenses Any suggestions?

I was going to say he’s being awful until I read that you’re basically using him to fund your desire for a baby.

Onviously he agreed to that. But I’d say he’s pretty clear that the whole relationship is ultimately transactional.

i actually understand that he doesn’t want to subsidize you staying at home
when you’ve made a decision not to do it on your own but to use him for his resources.

i think you’re as awful as he is in this arrangement

i feel very sad for any children brought into this massively dysfunctional set up

He just wasn't in a rush for a baby. He doesnt begrudge money on baby at all and his assumption seems to be that everything joint comes from joint account - so childcare would be joint too. It's just that my share is from savings.

You’re in a relationship with someone with whom you have a child and are TTC another but you’re worried about being too pushy?! That sounds like early days dating worries: “if I ask him to be exclusive he might dump me!”

Money aside, do you feel like an equal partner in the relationship, as in you feel fully loved and respected? Or did you settle for someone who wasn’t that into you but was willing to procreate because the clock was ticking?

Honestly OP, I would concentrate on getting back to work and forgetting about another baby. This guy is married to his wallet, he has no interest in getting married to you (share all his worldly goods with you? I think not!) and honestly I doubt he wanted a baby, he just went along with whatever you wanted. I doubt he will stick around, especially if another expensive mouth to feed arrives on the scene. You will most likely end up on your own with the child(ren) anyway so you would be wise to push back for now, try and get him to take the padlock off his wallet to support his family and make sure you keep your 'running away fund' well stocked up.

I agree with everyone saying he should be paying for everything more or less or you should be going back to work and contributing proportionally to your salaries to all expenses including childcare.
BUT, if you are just trying to get some money out of him right now, I have two propositions that he absolutely can’t argue with.
If you were to split up, he would have to pay child maintenance of 16% of his income. As your finances are separate and he doesn’t want to get married and you are doing all the childcare, he should start paying you the equivalent directly now.
Or. He should pay you his half of what full time child care (50hours per week at least) would cost, otherwise you’re massively subsidizing him at the moment.
Would either of these options put your savings in a healthier position OP?

Not really, I met someone had fun, fell in love and assumed we were on same page re marriage, babies. Aware of my age I prioritise baby over marriage but assume that will come soon. And here I am. Trying to now tackle some of the bigger stuff that I'd been to nervous to bring up before.

Why assume you’re on the same page.

You we’re together for years, most young couples discuss future in that timeframe, let alone when you’re in the mid 30’s!

It’s unbelievable that you’ve never had a conversation beyond baby, assumed marriage would happen and now are too nervous to talk about it. How can you have a relationship without any communication? Or does that sum things up, because it’s not a real relationship, just a situation.

What a prince!

Stop paying half. Stop eating into your savings. Do not have another baby.

And honestly - if he thinks this has been the right way to behave, Leave the Bastard.

Do you see why a lot of people are confused that the person you have sex with, live with, have had a child with, is someone you can’t discuss finances with? It’s not imperfect, it’s dysfunctional.

We did discuss it, lots and he led me to believe he was, on the same page. And I waited and ultimately he wouldn't commit to marriage but agreed to have a child. So my options were end it (which we had a break and I wasde asted) or try. Marriage wasn't as important to me, baby was more important but over time I now feel strongly I'd like to be married and like some of responses, on here I feel I've been a bit of a mug. I thought he'd be proposing when I had the baby. It's not gone like that

Propose to him.

You absolutely can.

And to circumvent potential silly excuses tell him you want a small register office type of deal. No actual wedding reception, a couple hundred pounds and one hour of his life to get it done.

Then at least you'll know where you stand.

Why is he a bastard?

He has never told op he intends to be the sole earner in the family.

Op chose to not look for other work after she got made redundant. And they kept the 50:50 in place with her being really happy to continue to pay it.

Op is fully aware he doesn’t want to finance the whole family. She is aware he wanted to wait for a baby and doesn’t want another so soon. But she does. She won’t broach the subject because she knows he will stop TTC and want her to go back to work instead.

He hasn’t pretended to be anything other than what he is. He isn’t going to get married and sees them as separate entities, financially. Both contributing half. Op says he is open to adjusting it. Maybe he will suggest op goes back to work and both pay half the childcare fees.

Op admits she wouldn’t even be with him if her biological clock wasn’t ticking away. Her being at home wasn’t a joint decision. It was hers because she can afford to finance it.

So he told you he wouldn’t get married, but would have a child. You went ahead with the child assuming he would propose anyway?

Yes you've got it. I'm just looking to nudge the dial so I'm not too screwed.
To answer other posters. We talk openly now, he doesn't want to get married until he's sure we're going to last "forever" I so wonder if at this point it is largely financialky influenced though. When we met iwas higher earner with much more assets and he asked omif I'd want a pre nup to protect me and I'd said no I believe you share everything. Situation has changed somewhat

@Itsbeenashortyear i totally agree - this is a rare scenario loke
thos where I have no sympathy for the op

he told her who he was.

she didn’t want to have a baby on her own and wanted to use his resources

he hasn’t demanded that she doesn’t work. I think op said is she worked theyd share the childcare costs??

OP has put herself right in this situation with full knowledge and wants another baby!

Wtf

I really wasn't that fussed about marriage, but aware of biological clock. Over time I've become much keener on being married. I guess I've changed.i don't like that we have different surnames. Meeting other married parents and we're not. All his family are married and there is pressure from them too and I find it somewhat embarrassing. I guess partly it would signal his commitment which I suppose I perceive to not be there

I think the OP is getting a hard time for being upfront about something a lot of women lie about - getting pregnant when everything isn't quite as you'd want it to be, because there's not enough time to try to fix everything (or find "Mr Right". Lots of women do exactly the same thing but pretend they're more in love than they are, or that they can't see their partner's flaws, or "never wanted marriage anyway".

The thing is OP, this situation is untenable, and your DP should really see that. He wanted a baby too (it was planned) and he needs to step up and cover some of the cost. That includes paying more towards household costs because you're looking after the baby. Or to put it another way - he'd be paying half of the childcare (£1500/month for us) if you did go back to work, so at the very least he should be paying you £750 more a month to cover this.

Good luck

OP it sounds like his commitment isn’t there. You need to ask him to confirm. And then you will know.

i have a friend in almost the exact same situation. He wouldn’t marry her. Wouldn’t share finances (they bought a house but all split 50/50). They had IVF for the baby and split that 50/50.

Guess who’s last name the baby has and guess who does most of the childcare. Guess who’s reduced their hours at work and who hasn’t etc

she stays with him because she doesn’t have the courage to leave is my view. I could be wrong of course. But I struggle not to roll my eyes when she talks about how lovely and nice he is.

its unlikely you’re going to get the happy ending you want. Time to move forward with a realistic plan for your future

he doesn't want to get married until he's sure we're going to last "forever"

Why would you have another child with someone who feels like this?

Sounds like you’re just an option for him.

This
deargod, over and over women are sleep walking i to this
never have a baby deliberately without the legal backing of a marriage - that’s what marriage is for. Not a wedding day. Not romance. Legal and financial protection
of course he doesn’t want to get married- you’re the one that taking the financial hit and being exposed . You’ve already allowed him to do that when you went and had a baby and continued to live with him without marriage. Why would he change that when he’s laughing all the way to the bank
please don’t be an idiot- time or another child will just make this situation worse. Stop right now

You can't nudge him into marriage
It seems like he's telling you in so many words
He won't marry you until he's sure you'll last forever?
No one knows that do they?!
It seems your scared to discuss this properly as hell say what you don't want to hear
Propose to him, then you'll see
It's actions than count, not words

I'm quite confused tbh. Are the savings so considerable that he feels you can easily afford 50:50? If the savings are so considerable how come you are renting? You want to have a 2nd even if you're alone, how will you support yourself?