Fairly contributing to finances with baby

[ChampagneLassie]

DP earns a lot and has enjoyed generous increases lately. I got made redundant and subsequently had a baby who is now 8 months so no income. We both had approximately equal savings pre baby but I'm running down my savings to live on whilst he's adding to his and it doesn't feel fair. Presently we split joint finances 50/50 and each deal with our own personal. We're TTC with intention that I'll wait till B2 is 1 before getting a job.
I'd have hoped we'd be getting married by this point but not on the cards. He's open to discuss this and paying more. I don't know what I think is fair to ask for. Im conscious that the longer this goes on the bigger impact to me long term. Ideally he'd value me homemaking and SAHM for time frame and just pay for everything till I got another job but that seems unlikely. I'm thinking all joint expenses Any suggestions?

You’re not working, living off of dwindling savings and paying jointly to all bills? Does he realise that he had a part to play in creating your baby?

This should have been ironed out before you decided to TTC again! Does he pay anything towards the baby as is?

OP you are in an extremely vulnerable position. If I were you I would shelf TTC for now and get back to work. You need to protect yourself here.

If he won’t marry you, or take the financial responsibility for the family he has helped create he is never going to be fair to you.

How does he think you are funding everything?

You are absolutely mad to plan another baby with this dude.

You are totally at his mercy financially speaking and he's not stepping up.

He can leave you anytime and you will get zero. Zilch.

You are saving him thousands in childcare cost and domestic labour. While the relationship and baby has cost you your income and financial independence.

100% unfair.

100% stupid.

I deapair for the state of affairs of women nowadays

This is crazy. Why are you putting yourself in this position and looking to have another baby?

What’s your plan when the savings run out?

This!
Honestly baffles me people who live like this! He's your partner and babies father.

I'm going to link that thread in hopes @ChampagneLassie has a look and has a revelation.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4686219-apparently-im-old-fashioned-and-anti-feminist?page=1

Wow I wasn't expecting quite such strength of opinion, I'm sort of tempted to show him this. He's not sure about long term commitment / marriage (which makes me sad) . I desperately wanted a child (and want a 2nd) and TBH if he'd not agreed I'd have been looking at doing it entirely on my own. I'm also aware if we split I'd be much worse off than current situation financially and the chances of meeting someone else and being able to have another child seem low (I'm. 39). He's not a monster, he'd probably say I should have got a job before baby for mat leave if I wanted & was my choice to do this and draw on my savings. Which it was... I think the kicker is costs going up, my investments have gone down and his earnings and ability to save have gone up.

Are you very young OP?

I wouldnt TTC unless married to him. But then again, id be concerned about marrying someone so stingy as well.

I was unmarried when we had our first but i was only 21. We got married when i was 25 because i refused to move in with him properly until we were married. I wouldve left him if marriage wasnt on the cards.

You’re an idiot to be TTC for baby number 2 in this situation, an idiot for TTC for number 1 when not protected by marriage but that ship has sailed.

You wouldn’t be worse off as he would have to pay child support.

He's not sure about long term commitment / marriage

what the fuck does he think a baby is then??? Less of a commitment than marriage, which can be easily dissolved? A kid binds you together for life.

Basically what he is saying is that he is happy to use you as incubator to get offspring, but god forbid he take on an actual legal financial commitment that would protect you and baby.

He is not a good man. And your broodiness is blinding you to it

Do you live together? Does he at least do his share with the baby?

Why are you TTC in this situation? You’re caring for your baby full time and having to pay 50:50 and use up your savings? That’s mad. Why would you add another child to this?

Absolutely get back to work as soon as possible, boyfriend can pay half the childcare fees. Never leave yourself so vulnerable as to be dependent on a bloke without the legal protections of marriage. Whose house is it? Are you at risk of homelessness if the boyfriend wants to break up?

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I don’t understand how having another kid could improve anything? Get your own career back up and running, your pension building up, and make yourself less vulnerable.

Hi OP, I think his money has to be joint money now - you are a family unit.

If you were married then this would be in law, but since you're not it's just - the situation. Are you living together? You should not be contributing to joint costs at all while your income is zero, and obviously you should have access to the family money for things you need too.

If he insists on retaining some cash for 'just him', you can ask him to pay 70% of his income into the joint account and he gets to keep 30% in his sole account. But anything less than that is wildly unfair.

Don't TTC again until he's on board, will you? It's much harder on you if he buggers off leaving you with 2 kids to support :(

Not sure about long term commitment or marriage? Give me strength.

You want to see how quickly he comes round to the idea when you stop acting like his WIFE.

No sex on tap, no meals cooked when he returns from work, no ironing done for him etc etc. Not keen on commitment my arse. He is SELFISH.

@RandomMusings7 people on here have said many times having a kid is not a commitment to the other adult. (As demonstrated by parents who saunter off in to the sunset, never to be seen again). It’s a commitment to the kid. Well. By whichever parent sticks around.

The opposite I felt I was running out of options, I'd have loved to have met someone who ticked all the boxes. It didn't happen. In the end I felt it was this or go alone which would have been a much bigger financial burden. I love him but I do think the arrangement is unfair. I guess I'm looking to try to change it without it feeling like a fight. I'd have hoped he'd have wanted to do it and he'd have thought these things, particularly with the pay increases but he hasn't. I also don't want him to push me to get a job I don't want or put off TTC hence I've been wary of how to bring this up.

(Important to not peddle the myth that a man impregnating you means he is committed.)

I cannot believe what I'm reading here.

I've run the calculations, he's paying considerably more than that. Unless I moved which I wouldn't want to do the costs wouldn't change much if he left.

You live together and have a baby together, frankly what's his is yours and vice versa, he sounds really stingy!

Why have you agreed to have a second child?!

If he doesn't want to pay your expenses (including spending money) while you're not working, you need to bill him for half the cost of a full-time nanny and housekeeper. That's what you're saving him by doing his share.

Please tell me the house is at least in joint names?

I get that you want a second child, but suspect that before too long you're going to end up as a lone parent. So plan with that in mind.

Well yes you should have worked while pregnant really. But not sure how realistic it was to get a job, if you were pregnant when made redundant.

Also, a lot of people on these sorts of threads forget that actually, the women are usually doing what suits them.

You have decided that having a baby and then having a 2nd is more important than financial security. I don’t think it’s a good choice, but it’s still a choice.

How much of this does he want? Or is it a case of you want it and he is going along? I imagine that sometimes, these men feel like their partner got pregnant, gave up work and want more kids while financially relying on them and they never agreed to that long term.

This is the 2nd thread today where a woman has not worked since early pregnancy and it’s ended up with huge financial disparity.

He should be paying more. But I do wonder if these men sometimes feel railroaded into being the only wage earner. Would be better if they just said that rather than starting ttc for another child.

Personally, I think the relationship is destined for the bin. You want marriage, he doesn’t. Regardless of ins and outs that makes you vulnerable and he is fine with this. I wouldn’t be ttc another no matter how badly I felt I wanted one. Making the your financial situation worse won’t help.