Fairly contributing to finances with baby

[ChampagneLassie]

DP earns a lot and has enjoyed generous increases lately. I got made redundant and subsequently had a baby who is now 8 months so no income. We both had approximately equal savings pre baby but I'm running down my savings to live on whilst he's adding to his and it doesn't feel fair. Presently we split joint finances 50/50 and each deal with our own personal. We're TTC with intention that I'll wait till B2 is 1 before getting a job.
I'd have hoped we'd be getting married by this point but not on the cards. He's open to discuss this and paying more. I don't know what I think is fair to ask for. Im conscious that the longer this goes on the bigger impact to me long term. Ideally he'd value me homemaking and SAHM for time frame and just pay for everything till I got another job but that seems unlikely. I'm thinking all joint expenses Any suggestions?

Well yes your right and I'm not looking for sympathy. Suggestions for how to approach something more equal. Baby is only 8 months.

I understand why you made the decision you did for a longed for baby, I would never have done this, but I can see why you did, and hoped the rest would come good, but it hasn't and it is unlikely to.

You have to save yourself now and your baby, if you go ahead with the second child then you do so knowing it is going to be extremely hard on your own, without the resources, without security and two under two is beyond knackering and it will be for another 16 years or more. By signing up for another child you are sabotaging your whole life by a few hormones.

You have your much loved baby, now is the time for seeing clearly the terrible position you are now in, and getting a new job as soon as possible. Split the cleaning and finances and get back to your high earner status asap. Protecting yourself AND your baby so you have options and security.

Your dp has played a blinder, he basically has a baby without the cost, he has a clean house and cooked dinners without lifting a finger or paying anyone else too. Sex on tap, and a 'grateful' wife type at home doing it all and using her savings and paying HIM to be there! Why on earth would he get married? There is no incentive or upside for him now op. I would start letting him know that if you are not married in the next 12 months then you will be reconsidering your future, and Australia looks very appealing.

You have given him everything and paid for the privilege.
Don't compound your mistake by having another baby whatever you do.

'I have decided not to go ahead with a second child, I have come to realise I have been left in a precarious position with a man that seems unwilling to commit to me in any way. Unless you are able to offer marriage within the next year and you are able to give the baby and I the security we deserve, then I can't see that we have a future at all. In the meantime I would like all of my savings replaced and access to joint money as I look for a job'

That is how you bring it up.

You lay your cards on the table.
Stop side stepping the issue, come out with it, and mean it. You have settled for second best, it is time now to look at what you are now saddled with very very clearly.

I don't see your situation as being particularly unfair. You've made the decision to stay at home. Why should he fund that? I think it's fair that you pay money out of your savings. Particularly given the situation that it seems a fairly transactional relationship. You're not really a team. Neither of you sound great to me. I bet he would be delighted to know that he was 'just there'. You're using him as a sperm donor and he's enjoying a home with no commitment.

Suggestions for how to approach something more equal.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position.

You have given away all your negotiating power, are not happy with your situation (nor should you be) and are now wondering what you can leverage to improve the hand you have chosen.

That's a really tough position to be in.

I think the OP is getting a hard time for being upfront about something a lot of women lie about - getting pregnant when everything isn't quite as you'd want it to be, because there's not enough time to try to fix everything (or find "Mr Right". Lots of women do exactly the same thing but pretend they're more in love than they are, or that they can't see their partner's flaws, or "never wanted marriage anyway".

I agree @Rumplestrumpet

Idon't see your situation as being particularly unfair. You've made the decision to stay at home. Why should he fund that? I think it's fair that you pay money out of your savings.

The OP is at home caring for the baby they both created, why shouldn’t he fund that?

This.
There has been a drip feed here. The considerable savings change the optics of this scenario along with OP not wanting to work. If you can live for 10 years on your savings I can see why he thinks 50/50 is reasonable.

I just can’t get my head around these
kind of relationships. You have a child
together. You’re the mother of his child. What’s his should be yours and vice versa. Sounds so clinical and cold all this ‘his money’ nonsense. I’m on maternity leave and have full access
to OUR joint funds, which is how it should be.

Don’t have another child with this tight arsed knob.

I don’t understand why you had a child with someone who isn’t sure your relationship is forever and doesn’t want to commit. Why did he have a child?

Are you proposing to share your savings with him OP?

Because it wasn’t a joint decision. Op decided to just not find another job when made redundant because she could afford to finance it.

Yes I think that was the case initially, but my investments have tanked whilst costs have risen and rather than going back to work at 6 months I'm still not working now. Furthermore his earnings have gone up and he's done very well such that it seems much less fair now. I guess I think me funding 6 months might arguably be fair but it doesn't feel fair now.
We rent for various reasons. Owning a property wouldn't really change any of this and isn't something I particularly want to do.

Thanks this is a helpful suggestion re childcare. The maintenance is less than his 50% now

I'm trying not to drop feed. We had approx equal amount savings when we had baby. But whilst I'm eating into mine, he's earning very well and adding to his. I agree I think it's fair I drew on them to some extent. It feels less fair now. I'll need my savings to support me if I ever do want to buy a, property, retire, can't work for some reason etc etc and until I am working again I increasingly realise I do have to rely on myswlf

NRFT.
I think you have two separate issues

1. marriage

2. Money
   i would tackle 2) first. He should fund all the household expenses rent utilities food etc, everything he is using as well. You should get the family allowance even if he has to pay it back. You are just left with your own expenses car, but not all fuel as you’re taking the baby places, clothes hair.

3. not sure what you can do about this one but it’s not such a pressing issue once you have sorted out the money

Someone asked if he's a good dad. I think he is. I do lion share of childcare and household but I think that's pretty standard compared with others I know. I don't think he'll be tight with her.

Respect to you OP. At least you’ve had the balls to admit you got pregnant in far from ideal circumstances. A lot of people can’t seem to see that on MN.

The main issue is that you didn’t communicate. You got what you wanted (a baby) and he got what he wanted (a relatively casual relationship), but neither of you thought what would happen when these two things collided. I think the only thing you can do is lay it straight to him, that your finances are deeply precarious while he adds to his wealth, with no shared assets. You have to be prepared though for him to say you should get a job and financially contribute. For what it’s worth, I think that would be your best option - not many people, (married or otherwise) have the luxury to sit at home having babies in quick succession without a second income.

If this is a purely transactional relationship (and that seems it’s how he sees it) your way ahead is clear. You continue to pay half the costs, however he either does 50% of the childcare or pays you to do it. He should also do 50% of the domestic labour (housework, mental load stuff etc) if he isn’t he should consider financially compensating you for this.

This way you both do 50% of everything. Currently he pays 50% of bills and does less than 10% of the rest. That isn’t fair and he should see that. Your choices re employment, childcare etc are each your own but you both have equal responsibility for bills, childcare and domestic labour. He needs to work out how to manage his share of the latter.

Why on earth are you renting if (pre baby) you were both high earners with enough savings to live on for ~10 years?! That's crazy!

You've made some strange decisions. Why stay with him if he's not willing to give you financial security through marriage and/or other things? (fully shared finances including savings, he pays for everything while you're not earning including paying into your pension, sorting wills and life insurance to make each other the beneficiary, etc etc) You must protect yourself. If I were you I would be looking for a job and would go back to work ASAP. If you split you wouldn't be entitled to UC (because of your savings) so you would need to look into shared ownership, I think that's the only way you could do it - use savings to buy your share outright and pay rent for the rest.

The main issue is that you didn’t communicate. You got what you wanted (a baby) and he got what he wanted (a relatively casual relationship), but neither of you thought what would happen when these two things collided

@WibbleW0bble excellent point

Take him to somewhere they train teens to work in a nursery, go under cover and work there.

Then tell DH even though you are both able to keep your DC at home in a loving parents arm's....you will be handing baby over to said poorly paid disinterested teen so you can work full time and no baby 2.

Ive moved frequently, we might move abroad, I thought I'd wait till I was settled with someone before buying a property - I worked in finance and investments normally outperform property so the idea of selling my investments to buy property feels risky to me. Lots of reasons.

I stayed with him mainly because I love him, like so much that it hurts in some ridiculous teen angst way. Now I also stay with him because of the baby. But mostly I really love him. Someone said I should have more self respect. I am disappointed in myself about this, I do deserve better.

What's odd..
You feel you can't talk about money with him.
He is not sure if you are 'forever' but is happy for you to get pregnant repeatedly.

You both seem to be passively sleepwalking through major life decisions but are on different pages. You have got what you wanted and are now trying to draw him onto the same page as you. He hasn't changed his trajectory though.

You reap what you sow and all'

Ive moved frequently, we might move abroad

For the love of God, unless you are moving back to your home country, do not even contemplate moving abroad with this relationship set up. Total disaster waiting to happen.