Fairly contributing to finances with baby

[ChampagneLassie]

DP earns a lot and has enjoyed generous increases lately. I got made redundant and subsequently had a baby who is now 8 months so no income. We both had approximately equal savings pre baby but I'm running down my savings to live on whilst he's adding to his and it doesn't feel fair. Presently we split joint finances 50/50 and each deal with our own personal. We're TTC with intention that I'll wait till B2 is 1 before getting a job.
I'd have hoped we'd be getting married by this point but not on the cards. He's open to discuss this and paying more. I don't know what I think is fair to ask for. Im conscious that the longer this goes on the bigger impact to me long term. Ideally he'd value me homemaking and SAHM for time frame and just pay for everything till I got another job but that seems unlikely. I'm thinking all joint expenses Any suggestions?

Neither of those statements matches what you've said throughout the thread.

OP he doesn’t love you the way he wants you to.

that won’t change.

and it’s a dysfunctional environment to bring a child up

you are weirdly in denial

That's the thing practically wise I do just think it will be a massive strain... and one which we don't financially really need to do, if we were a team and pooling and I could depend on him. He works long and erratic hours with international travel. Its all very well him saying he'll share this stuff (which he does), but i think it will be harder than he realises. My job would be in Central London and we live over an hour away by train, just the thought of being that far from my daughter makes me quite anxious. I'm nervous of stressing myself out. Add a potential pregnancy into mix and it seemed way too much.

Really? Not intentional. I mean I was the driving force and it wasn't him saying let's, have a child. He said he wanted to at some undermined future point and I pushed it due to age.

There IS a right way to do things in the world we currently live in, and that is to take very seriously your exposure to men that have no interest in commitment. You owe it to your current child, and possible future ones not to take risks with their lives. You could become seriously ill, have an accident or be otherwise unable to work in the future, with two dependents on your own, that is a terrifying prospect for anyone with a lame duck - and he is a lame duck. He is cherry picking the best bits, being a father, having a cute baby and a cosy set up without any investment financially, emotionally, legally or otherwise. You have handed it all to him on plate, and paid the bill!

Now you are justifying your less than perfect set up by comparing yourself to the accidental pregnancies and there are plenty of people in precarious positions that make it work. No they don't! The strong couples with unplanned pregnancies may have been worried sick about money/health/logistics. They were happy anyway, because they are happy together. This is not your set up. At all. You have a reluctant lame duck and now you are going to double down with him by compounding your issues with a second child.

Utter madness.

You're enabling him to have his career with international travel whilst also having the joys of being a father, without him having to make any sacrifices for this.

How easy will it be for you to go back to work after baby n2 ?
You will have been overtaken by other fathers in the same position as your partner in the meantime. Then there's organising and paying for wrap around care, whilst you're running around doing the pickups, drop offs and staying home when the DC are ill because his job is more important / pays more.

I said it earlier, but you are really falling into the mummy trap and your best option is to either get married or go back to work now to keep your foot in the door.

I understand, it's easy to think we'll go 50/50 before you get pregnant, but having a baby puts a woman at a massive disadvantage financially and practically. You'll find you can't just stay late if there's a deadline, you'll be seen as a 'mummy' at work who can't fully commit and whose progression will be slower.

In your position I think you should definitely go for the interview and take the job if offered.
As your finances are not an issue I'd buy a property and live there
You need an asset and stability
You have your own space, you can't rely on him coming round to your way of thinking. If he was a decent man then of course he would've by now. He's a single guy with all the trappings of a family
If he doesn't come round put in a claim for CMS and that would help towards childcare
Take the initiative for yourself and your DC
You say your nervous about broaching the subject
Stand up for yourself and DC
Forget marriage and another DC

It isn't something he financially needs to do, but it is something you financially need to do.

There is no "we" here, because he doesn't share his money with you.

You need an income because you are currently burning through the nest egg you have built for yourself paying 50% of your shared expenses out of savings whilst he continues to profit from your unpaid labour at zero cost or risk to himself.

CMS is 20% of net income, he currently contributes a good wack more than that. He also supports with the practical stuff on a daily basis.

We've had a good chat, he's open to paying all joint expenses...until I get a job and open to that being after B2.

Interview went very well, they're very keen. I feel quite conflicted. I really don't want to jeopardise my chances of a 2nd baby for short term financial reasons. Im concerned that trying to juggle my LO, childcare and a pregnancy might be very difficult and leave me very exhausted and stressed.

Im concerned that trying to juggle my LO, childcare and a pregnancy might be very difficult and leave me very exhausted and stressed.

Being a working parent is stressful. There’s not really any way around that. But at some point you’ll want a job and have to juggle 2 children (if all goes well with a second pregnancy) and you’ll have to do it with much longer out of the workforce so potentially lower salary/more to prove. The full-day nursery years are the easiest to handle in terms of childcare too, school is harder. Or perhaps you could afford a nanny or nanny share?

If I were you, I’d go back to work, get my feet under the table, become eligible for enhanced maternity leave and not get pregnant before that.