Fairly contributing to finances with baby

[ChampagneLassie]

DP earns a lot and has enjoyed generous increases lately. I got made redundant and subsequently had a baby who is now 8 months so no income. We both had approximately equal savings pre baby but I'm running down my savings to live on whilst he's adding to his and it doesn't feel fair. Presently we split joint finances 50/50 and each deal with our own personal. We're TTC with intention that I'll wait till B2 is 1 before getting a job.
I'd have hoped we'd be getting married by this point but not on the cards. He's open to discuss this and paying more. I don't know what I think is fair to ask for. Im conscious that the longer this goes on the bigger impact to me long term. Ideally he'd value me homemaking and SAHM for time frame and just pay for everything till I got another job but that seems unlikely. I'm thinking all joint expenses Any suggestions?

investments normally outperform property so the idea of selling my investments to buy property feels risky to me

Also, sure, this may be theoretically correct. But you are a parent now. Surely the prospect of having no home and no way to finance a home in x amount of years is far more risky than the abstract risks of investments vs property?

have you taken into account the less riskier benefit of leverage from property?

also the mortgage b rent benefits and lack of cgt on residential property?

There isn't anything wrong with renting & many wealthy people do it for convenience.

It's a huge flag that he doesn't want to commit despite having a baby

I think, given that he doesn’t want to commit to you wholeheartedly and long-term, that’s the basis on which to have the discussion.

DP, I understand you don’t want marriage and although you know my feelings on that - I am a bit hurt you don’t consider our relationship strong enough to be ‘forever’ - I have accepted that instead we have a no-commitments approach and so we are and will remain financially separate. It is starting to feel a little uncomfortable though that you are earning more and saving more, whilst I am eating into my savings as the parent who is staying at home to provide childcare. Can we discuss on that basis how to equalise things better? I could return to work on a FT basis and then we’d need to split the childcare costs - I don’t want to do that if it’s not absolutely necessary because for a lot of reasons I think it makes sense for me to keep having a career break and have another baby as soon as possible. And there are other benefits to me being at home too.

If you disappeared tomorrow, how much would he have to pay someone to do all the things you do?

Full time nanny, cleaner and housekeeper.
That is what you are bringing to the table financially. As someone who worked in finance it seems odd you've not included this in your part of the 50/50 set up.

But if he disappeared tomorrow, Ops living expenses would also massively increase. Plenty of single parents work in professional roles and don’t have housekeepers and cleaners.

That argument may work if Op being a sahp was something they agreed together. Op says above they didn’t. She just decided she wasn’t going to work and was going to self fund it.

Thats the issue. It’s never been discussed because Op took the decision to stay at home unilaterally. She knows it’s not something he would agree to fully, but won’t raise it incase she doesn’t get her 2nd baby.

If dp unilaterally decided to be a sahp, I wouldn’t be happy about funding it either. It should be a joint decision and that’s when it’s discussed.

This, is the sort of tact I'm. Going down

You're a family. Mat leave isnt a holiday it's for the purposes of ensuring the child has a bond with primary caregivers. I cant believe anyone expects their 'partner' to contribute 50pc when they're not earning. I use the term partner in inverted commas as the whole point of a partnership is you both recognise the others contribution and help each other out. If you split now youd be so vulnerable having used your savings to live on.

Families pool resources. This means all money into a central pot, shared savings and equal spending money. Alternatively you can go back to work while he takes some shared parental leave

If you can't share a bank account you shouldn't share a baby, but I do get that a biological clock ticking can make people lose sight if that or make it less important. I think he's a jerk but at the very least he should be paying you as though you're a full time nanny.

Well yes this does cross my mind a bit now. However I think I'm much safer with flexibility of renting, for example I could easily move for a new job. Appreciate the concern but that isn't a problem I need solving.

Depending on where you live a fulltime nursery place for one child is about £1200 / month, a cleaner who does all your household cleaning and laundry would be about (say 6hrs a week at £15/hr) £360/month. So say £1600/month is what it would cost to outsource what you are doing, so he should be transferring you £800/month for his share.

This is assuming he does 50% of childcare in evenings and weekends and shares cooking and all other household and child admin equally too. If he doesn't you need to charge extra for that too. Look into fulltime live in nanny costs, its about £35,000 per year.

At the moment he is having his cake and eating, its exploitative of him and in no way should you consider any more children (or carrying on with the relationship) if he doesnt change his ways.

Although personally, I would be getting back to work asap, and adding to my savings and pension again, as someone who is happy to take advantage of their partner like is, is not a long term bet.

Bottom line, without the security of marriage there is no way you should be doing any of his 50% domestic and childcare for free.

How many red flags do you need. The utter bullshit that some women will put up with from their DPs is staggering. Please want more for you and your DC and do not have another child with this man.

@TheMatriarchy as others have said this is a situation where the op has made a unilateral decision to stay at home. No indication her partner is requiring her to do this at all

it seems quite possible if she went back to work he might do more - it hasn’t been discussed because op doesn’t want do it

I wanted to focus on the practical. Emotional stuff re baby and I had no idea what it was going to be like. I also thought I might want to hire a nanny and workasap, I really didn't know.i guess I wasn't too worried re finances. But I'm reevaulating now, things change.

I think many of responses in this thread have hit on that relationship isn't that secure. Which I fear. We have been doing couples counselling (I initittard as I wanted more emotional intimacy) but its seems like we just go around in circles, he brings up really banal every day things and generally ends up conceding that we're both a bit tired and life is tough with a baby. the counsellor is very feelings focused but it's on the miniutia - ie he says I snapped at him. B/c he took too long getting up to help with baby and counsellor encourages 10 mins of him saying how he feels and then same me saying how I feel about this one incident. I think he thinks relationships should all be like the early days, (I'm first long term woman he's lived with) and is looking for froth and fun and I'm increasingly frustrated he doesn't just value what we have.

If I went back to work I imagine I'd have to do more, coordinating nannys/nursery etc. He might pay half cost but I'd be doing bulk of the life admin.

🙋‍♀️I get it. And responses here have given me pause for thought re TTC. I was in denial about how bad it all is. Its not just money at all.

I love him, so much and I really thought with a baby he'd be committed and everything would just evolve naturally. I didnt imagine that it would feel like this. 😥

Based on your last couple of posts and the fact that he doesn't want to get married he doesn't sound very mature or reliable. It also sounds like perhaps you sense that you like him more than he likes you? I may be wrong just picked that up from what you've said. In any case, if he views you as a partnership he should be paying all (factoring in mat pay), and if he views you as individuals (and you're ok with that) he should be paying you for your childcare, cleaning, admin, etc. services at market rate.

I think you should ask yourself why you so desperately love someone who’s just not that into you OP.

id say there’s a whole host of issues underlying this…

You seem articulate and bright. It sounds as though you have had a good career.

If this was a work based problem how would you approach it?

Cold hard facts about the financial situation seem easy to lay out. Your eating into your savings, he's adding to his. You've both had a baby, but your bank balance is suffering. The balance needs restoring. What are the options? That's how I'd approach this. Give him the problem and ask for his solutions. These will tell you a lot about how he views you and your 'worth'. Go from there.

If this was a work based problem how would you approach it?

Excellent advice from @JuneOsborne

If I have understood the situation correctly, OP prioritised have a baby over getting married, figuring that share costs 50:50 with this man would be better than going it alone.

Now that OP has a better understanding of the reality, which means that she is sharing costs 50:50 and doing all the household and parenting work, the question of a fairer division of work xx and costs has appeared.

Usually, I'm all for fairness in that division, so long as both parties agreed together to share the enterprise.

Promising to go halves in order to get agreement and then trying to change that division further along the road does not, to me, satisfy the fairness test.

Thinking of it as a business venture helps I think to show up that unfairness.

Cold hard facts about the financial situation seem easy to lay out. Your eating into your savings, he's adding to his. You've both had a baby, but your bank balance is suffering. The balance needs restoring. What are the options? That's how I'd approach this. Give him the problem and ask for his solutions. These will tell you a lot about how he views you and your 'worth'. Go from there.

@JuneOsborne excellent advice!

He is using you and treats you like you are his bangmaid.

This is such a strange post because ultimelately you've had a baby with someone who wasn't really arsed about having one isn't massively keen on having another, would prefer you to get a job but will essentially go along with whatever you want for an easy life.

I don't pool my finances with my dh. We have separate finances and always will. We both contribute to our household and kids though. So even on mat leave whilst being paid I did pay the bills but once I moved over to smp he took over. Likeqise he paid for the children's childcare because he earned more than me. Youc You can have a committed relationship with separate finances but the key is to be on the same page re shared costs so mortgage, rent, bill, all kids expenses.

You don't have the great relationship you think you do. If I was dwindling down my savings I would share that information with my dh. He would not be OK with that and we'd work things out. That is what your partner should be doing. If he isn't convinced that you are forever hence doesn't want to marry you he shouldn't be ttc with you either.

It's really tough because he has shown who he is from the get go and really hasn't wavered but you've ignored so many red flags to get a baby.

For now you've asked for advice. I'd say speak to him, explain you can't afford a 50:50 contribution because you have no actual income. See what he says. Explain your investments aren't bringing in much, how he responds will tell you how committed he is to you. I'd put ttc on hold if not off the table.

*ultimately even.