Fairly contributing to finances with baby

[ChampagneLassie]

DP earns a lot and has enjoyed generous increases lately. I got made redundant and subsequently had a baby who is now 8 months so no income. We both had approximately equal savings pre baby but I'm running down my savings to live on whilst he's adding to his and it doesn't feel fair. Presently we split joint finances 50/50 and each deal with our own personal. We're TTC with intention that I'll wait till B2 is 1 before getting a job.
I'd have hoped we'd be getting married by this point but not on the cards. He's open to discuss this and paying more. I don't know what I think is fair to ask for. Im conscious that the longer this goes on the bigger impact to me long term. Ideally he'd value me homemaking and SAHM for time frame and just pay for everything till I got another job but that seems unlikely. I'm thinking all joint expenses Any suggestions?

But they're not really a family unit, he's just some bloke she used to have a baby because "he was there".

I don't understand families with his and her money. As a family you should pool your resources together and have our money.

All income into joint account. All expenditure out. What's left as disposable income you save or share the enjoyment of.

Jesus Christ.

I think that seems harsh. I didnt think we'd be where we are now with a baby. I hadn't thought if it as selfish to have another child when our relationship isn't perfect... I guess I've not encountered perfection and assume everyone is muddling through

Not everyone, trust me. Your relationship is crazy, it's by no means "standard". Child is magnifying glass to the problems in your relationship, not some kind of quick fix or band aid.

There is not perfect and then there is your situation.

if he is happy with you running your savings down whilst at home caring for his child that no relationship.

Your entire life seems to be built on dust.

They're not a family unit in any worthwhile sense until they get legally married. What's his is his alone legally.

I'd obviously be paying 100% of everything if I'd done it alone. But moreover i didn't really want to do it alone and I'm very glad I didn't. I wanted to be with him and have his child and i don't regret that at all. The relationship isn't where I'd hoped it would b by this point.
To answer Q we've been together for 3.5 years, baby was planned, finances were always 50/50, we didn't discuss what happened post baby.

I really think you need to talk to him regarding finances.

Your missing out on your earning and possible promotions / experience to stay at home and raise a baby. He has the possibility to do that, because you are the one at home.

Your finances should be 100% together.

The fact you started TTC when your relationship wasn’t in a good place, and then continue to TTC for number 2 when it has gotten worse is baffling.

Develop some self respect.

OP you are in danger of falling into what I call the 'mummy trap', normally this would be hard enough whilst married and with a supportive partner, but without it's positively reckless.

Ok so you have savings which could last 10 years, but you don't own your own home and you'll need to support your child /children for at least 18 years.

Getting back into work after a maternity break of a few years is always very hard and you might have to accept a much lower salary.

I speak from experience and friends' and acquaintances' experiences. The only mothers I know who earn ok when their children start school are the ones who hung onto their careers during the baby years, often paying enormous amounts in childcare.

With a supportive partner this is all ok and you both muddle through together.
Without, it's a full-on struggle.

It's not about your relationship being perfect but you both being onboard to pool resources to fund the family.

You are basically two housemates that enjoy each others company, shag each other and have babies but are essentially only concerned with their own separate wants - even when it comes to big ticket items like children. You are not a partnership or a team.

You have chosen to accept this set up as your very comfortable financial cushion lets you short term and I would be very worried about your long term security when the money runs out.

My advice would be to reflect on the bigger picture before bringing another child into such a dysfunctional "family".

Instead of looking at this situation in terms of how you’d be worse of without him than you are right now, run those calculations again and see how your financial situation would look in 5 years time if you were a single mother, working, claiming whatever benefits you’re entitled to, building a pension pot and you’d held onto your savings Vs no savings, no maternity pay, no pension, and poorer prospects.

Given that you are paying 50 % of costs, I hope you are a) invoicing your partner for providing child care, and b) he is paying 50% of all child related costs.

Your financial position is very precarious- I would do everything you can to maintain your own career and insist your partner shares childcare costs.

Dragging innocent children into this mess is awful.

Ffs. Every single day. It’s so depressing.

Is he a good dad, @ChampagneLassie?

Does he spent time with baby? Do any feeds, nappies, nightwakings?

Buy stuff for the baby unprompted?

Not all women who are in precarious relationship situations are there because of domestic violence. From what you've said here, you are one of those women. He's willing to have two children with you, tying you together effectively for the rest of your lives, but he's not willing to marry you because that's too big a commitment? What an absolute joke. I would be laughing if I hadn't seen it all before.

This man is in a much better financial position than you are, he's not married to you and you are not working. Wake up! If he decides to leave you, you will be up the creek without a paddle. You may wish to believe he'd never do that but this is a man who neither wants to provide for the mother of his children or encourage her to provide for herself by staying economically active. If I were in your shoes I would certainly not bank on him sticking around. Please look in to protecting yourself here.

You have kids. You're living together as though you're married. Everything that anyone earns, or gets paid in benefits, goes into a joint account and you bloody share it. It's called being a family.

baby was planned

So he wanted a child and was aware that you weren't using contraception?

It sounds like he wasn't keen on a baby for financial reasons and now he's viewing it as your decision and responsibility. It seems like he thinks of you as two individuals rather than a couple with shared responsibility for a baby. In my view he should be paying until you are earning, depending on the disparity in your savings. But you need to have an honest conversation about what you and he both want. It's a tricky one as it sounds like he would prioritise his financial position over having another baby, and using the fact you desperately want another one to essentially force you into paying as you want it more. I personally don't think I could get past it as well as the lack of commitment; it shows an incredibly uncaring attitude and a certain level of apathy towards you.

All money goes into one pot.
Bills paid for, whatever’s left is joint to spend on whatever.

Anything else isn’t fair!

Totally agree. When I got married, both our wages went into our joint account and all bills were paid from that account. We did transfer a small amount to our own accounts each month for personal things but mainly used the joint account. When I became a SAHM nothing changed except of course I was not earning so not putting any money into our account. But all bills came from it and I used it to buy things for the children and for myself. I used my personal money mainly to buy birthday and Christmas gifts for my husband. When money got tight due to inflation I stopped taking any money from the joint account until I went back to work.

We never argued about who had spent what and trusted each other not to waste money. We did discuss the cost before buying expensive things which tended to come out of any ravings.

My daughter, who has just bought a house with her partner, was horrified when I told her how we managed our finances!

Having another baby with this tight bastard should be way down your list (if not taken off it completely!). He is expecting you to pay half of everything while you are earning nothing but are at home taking care of his child?

Surely you can see how wrong this is OP - is this really how your saw your life / family panning out? Is this what you would consider a loving, caring relationship??

I guess that is what has led me to bringing it up. I want more but I don't want to be too pushy